Indiscretions of Archie

by P. G. Wodehouse

  CHAPTER X. DOING FATHER A BIT OF GOOD

  Reggie Van Tuyl approached the table languidly, and sank down into achair. He was a long youth with a rather subdued and deflated look,as though the burden of the van Tuyl millions was more than his frailstrength could support. Most things tired him.

  "I say, Reggie, old top," said Archie, "you're just the lad I wanted tosee. I require the assistance of a blighter of ripe intellect. Tell me,laddie, do you know anything about sales?"

  Reggie eyed him sleepily.

  "Sales?"

  "Auction sales."

  Reggie considered.

  "Well, they're sales, you know." He checked a yawn. "Auction sales, youunderstand."

  "Yes," said Archie encouragingly. "Something--the name orsomething--seemed to tell me that."

  "Fellows put things up for sale you know, and other fellows--otherfellows go in and--and buy 'em, if you follow me."

  "Yes, but what's the procedure? I mean, what do I do? That's what I'mafter. I've got to buy something at Beale's this afternoon. How do I setabout it?"

  "Well," said Reggie, drowsily, "there are several ways of bidding, youknow. You can shout, or you can nod, or you can twiddle your fingers--"The effort of concentration was too much for him. He leaned back limplyin his chair. "I'll tell you what. I've nothing to do this afternoon.I'll come with you and show you."

  When he entered the Art Galleries a few minutes later, Archie was gladof the moral support of even such a wobbly reed as Reggie van Tuyl.There is something about an auction room which weighs heavily upon thenovice. The hushed interior was bathed in a dim, religious light; andthe congregation, seated on small wooden chairs, gazed in reverentsilence at the pulpit, where a gentleman of commanding presence andsparkling pince-nez was delivering a species of chant. Behind a goldcurtain at the end of the room mysterious forms flitted to and fro.Archie, who had been expecting something on the lines of the New YorkStock Exchange, which he had once been privileged to visit when it wasin a more than usually feverish mood, found the atmosphere oppressivelyecclesiastical. He sat down and looked about him. The presiding priestwent on with his chant.

  "Sixteen-sixteen-sixteen-sixteen-sixteen--worth threehundred--sixteen-sixteen-sixteen-sixteen-sixteen--ought to bring fivehundred--sixteen-sixteen-seventeen-seventeen-eighteen-eighteennineteen-nineteen-nineteen."

  He stopped and eyed the worshippers with a glittering and reproachfuleye. They had, it seemed, disappointed him. His lips curled, and hewaved a hand towards a grimly uncomfortable-looking chair with insecurelegs and a good deal of gold paint about it. "Gentlemen! Ladies andgentlemen! You are not here to waste my time; I am not here towaste yours. Am I seriously offered nineteen dollars for thiseighteenth-century chair, acknowledged to be the finest piece soldin New York for months and months? Am I--twenty? I thank you.Twenty-twenty-twenty-twenty. YOUR opportunity! Priceless. Very fewextant. Twenty-five-five-five-five-thirty-thirty. Just whatyou are looking for. The only one in the City of New York.Thirty-five-five-five-five. Forty-forty-forty-forty-forty. Look at thoselegs! Back it into the light, Willie. Let the light fall on those legs!"

  Willie, a sort of acolyte, manoeuvred the chair as directed. Reggie vanTuyl, who had been yawning in a hopeless sort of way, showed his firstflicker of interest.

  "Willie," he observed, eyeing that youth more with pity than reproach,"has a face like Jo-Jo the dog-faced boy, don't you think so?"

  Archie nodded briefly. Precisely the same criticism had occurred to him.

  "Forty-five-five-five-five-five," chanted the high-priest. "Onceforty-five. Twice forty-five. Third and last call, forty-five. Sold atforty-five. Gentleman in the fifth row."

  Archie looked up and down the row with a keen eye. He was anxious tosee who had been chump enough to give forty-five dollars for sucha frightful object. He became aware of the dog-faced Willie leaningtowards him.

  "Name, please?" said the canine one.

  "Eh, what?" said Archie. "Oh, my name's Moffam, don't you know." Theeyes of the multitude made him feel a little nervous "Er--glad to meetyou and all that sort of rot."

  "Ten dollars deposit, please," said Willie.

  "I don't absolutely follow you, old bean. What is the big thought at theback of all this?"

  "Ten dollars deposit on the chair."

  "What chair?"

  "You bid forty-five dollars for the chair."

  "Me?"

  "You nodded," said Willie, accusingly. "If," he went on, reasoningclosely, "you didn't want to bid, why did you nod?"

  Archie was embarrassed. He could, of course, have pointed out that hehad merely nodded in adhesion to the statement that the other had a facelike Jo-Jo the dog-faced boy; but something seemed to tell him thata purist might consider the excuse deficient in tact. He hesitateda moment, then handed over a ten-dollar bill, the price of Willie'sfeelings. Willie withdrew like a tiger slinking from the body of itsvictim.

  "I say, old thing," said Archie to Reggie, "this is a bit thick, youknow. No purse will stand this drain."

  Reggie considered the matter. His face seemed drawn under the mentalstrain.

  "Don't nod again," he advised. "If you aren't careful, you get intothe habit of it. When you want to bid, just twiddle your fingers. Yes,that's the thing. Twiddle!"

  He sighed drowsily. The atmosphere of the auction room was close; youweren't allowed to smoke; and altogether he was beginning to regret thathe had come. The service continued. Objects of varying unattractivenesscame and went, eulogised by the officiating priest, but coldly receivedby the congregation. Relations between the former and the latter weregrowing more and more distant. The congregation seemed to suspect thepriest of having an ulterior motive in his eulogies, and the priestseemed to suspect the congregation of a frivolous desire to waste histime. He had begun to speculate openly as to why they were there at all.Once, when a particularly repellent statuette of a nude female with anunwholesome green skin had been offered at two dollars and had found nobidders--the congregation appearing silently grateful for his statementthat it was the only specimen of its kind on the continent--he hadspecifically accused them of having come into the auction room merelywith the purpose of sitting down and taking the weight off their feet.

  "If your thing--your whatever-it-is, doesn't come up soon, Archie," saidReggie, fighting off with an effort the mists of sleep, "I rather thinkI shall be toddling along. What was it you came to get?"

  "It's rather difficult to describe. It's a rummy-looking sort ofwhat-not, made of china or something. I call it Pongo. At least, thisone isn't Pongo, don't you know--it's his little brother, but presumablyequally foul in every respect. It's all rather complicated, I know,but--hallo!" He pointed excitedly. "By Jove! We're off! There it is!Look! Willie's unleashing it now!"

  Willie, who had disappeared through the gold curtain, had now returned,and was placing on a pedestal a small china figure of delicateworkmanship. It was the figure of a warrior in a suit of armouradvancing with raised spear upon an adversary. A thrill permeatedArchie's frame. Parker had not been mistaken. This was undoubtedly thecompanion-figure to the redoubtable Pongo. The two were identical. Evenfrom where he sat Archie could detect on the features of the figure onthe pedestal the same expression of insufferable complacency which hadalienated his sympathies from the original Pongo.

  The high-priest, undaunted by previous rebuffs, regarded the figurewith a gloating enthusiasm wholly unshared by the congregation, who wereplainly looking upon Pongo's little brother as just another of thosethings.

  "This," he said, with a shake in his voice, "is something very special.China figure, said to date back to the Ming Dynasty. Unique. Nothinglike it on either side of the Atlantic. If I were selling this atChristie's in London, where people," he said, nastily, "have an educatedappreciation of the beautiful, the rare, and the exquisite, I shouldstart the bidding at a thousand dollars. This afternoon's experience hastaught me that that might possibly be too high." His pince-nez sparkledmilitantly, as he gazed upon the stolid thr
ong. "Will anyone offer me adollar for this unique figure?"

  "Leap at it, old top," said Reggie van Tuyl. "Twiddle, dear boy,twiddle! A dollar's reasonable."

  Archie twiddled.

  "One dollar I am offered," said the high-priest, bitterly. "Onegentleman here is not afraid to take a chance. One gentleman here knowsa good thing when he sees one." He abandoned the gently sarcastic mannerfor one of crisp and direct reproach. "Come, come, gentlemen, we are nothere to waste time. Will anyone offer me one hundred dollars forthis superb piece of--" He broke off, and seemed for a moment almostunnerved. He stared at someone in one of the seats in front of Archie."Thank you," he said, with a sort of gulp. "One hundred dollars I amoffered! One hundred--one hundred--one hundred--"

  Archie was startled. This sudden, tremendous jump, this whollyunforeseen boom in Pongos, if one might so describe it, was more thana little disturbing. He could not see who his rival was, but it wasevident that at least one among those present did not intend to allowPongo's brother to slip by without a fight. He looked helplessly atReggie for counsel, but Reggie had now definitely given up the struggle.Exhausted nature had done its utmost, and now he was leaning backwith closed eyes, breathing softly through his nose. Thrown on his ownresources, Archie could think of no better course than to twiddle hisfingers again. He did so, and the high-priest's chant took on a note ofpositive exuberance.

  "Two hundred I am offered. Much better! Turn the pedestal round,Willie, and let them look at it. Slowly! Slowly! You aren't spinning aroulette-wheel. Two hundred. Two-two-two-two-two." He became suddenlylyrical. "Two-two-two--There was a young lady named Lou, who wascatching a train at two-two. Said the porter, 'Don't worry or hurry orscurry. It's a minute or two to two-two!' Two-two-two-two-two!"

  Archie's concern increased. He seemed to be twiddling at this volubleman across seas of misunderstanding. Nothing is harder to interpret to anicety than a twiddle, and Archie's idea of the language of twiddlesand the high-priest's idea did not coincide by a mile. The high-priestappeared to consider that, when Archie twiddled, it was his intentionto bid in hundreds, whereas in fact Archie had meant to signify that heraised the previous bid by just one dollar. Archie felt that, if giventime, he could make this clear to the high-priest, but the latter gavehim no time. He had got his audience, so to speak, on the run, and heproposed to hustle them before they could rally.

  "Two hundred--two hundred--two--three--thank you,sir--three-three-three-four-four-five-five-six-six-seven-seven-seven--"

  Archie sat limply in his wooden chair. He was conscious of a feelingwhich he had only experienced twice in his life--once when he had takenhis first lesson in driving a motor and had trodden on the acceleratorinstead of the brake; the second time more recently, when he had madehis first down-trip on an express lift. He had now precisely the samesensation of being run away with by an uncontrollable machine, and ofhaving left most of his internal organs at some little distance from therest of his body. Emerging from this welter of emotion, stood out theone clear fact that, be the opposition bidding what it might, hemust nevertheless secure the prize. Lucille had sent him to New Yorkexpressly to do so. She had sacrificed her jewellery for the cause. Sherelied on him. The enterprise had become for Archie something almostsacred. He felt dimly like a knight of old hot on the track of the HolyGrail.

  He twiddled again. The ring and the bracelet had fetched nearly twelvehundred dollars. Up to that figure his hat was in the ring.

  "Eight hundred I am offered. Eight hundred. Eight-eight-eight-eight--"

  A voice spoke from somewhere at the back of the room. A quiet, cold,nasty, determined voice.

  "Nine!"

  Archie rose from his seat and spun round. This mean attack from the rearstung his fighting spirit. As he rose, a young man sitting immediatelyin front of him rose too and stared likewise. He was a square-builtresolute-looking young man, who reminded Archie vaguely of somebody hehad seen before. But Archie was too busy trying to locate the man at theback to pay much attention to him. He detected him at last, owing to thefact that the eyes of everybody in that part of the room were fixedupon him. He was a small man of middle age, with tortoise-shell-rimmedspectacles. He might have been a professor or something of the kind.Whatever he was, he was obviously a man to be reckoned with. He had arich sort of look, and his demeanour was the demeanour of a man who isprepared to fight it out on these lines if it takes all the summer.

  "Nine hundred I am offered. Nine-nine-nine-nine--"

  Archie glared defiantly at the spectacled man.

  "A thousand!" he cried.

  The irruption of high finance into the placid course of the afternoon'sproceedings had stirred the congregation out of its lethargy. Therewere excited murmurs. Necks were craned, feet shuffled. As for thehigh-priest, his cheerfulness was now more than restored, and his faithin his fellow-man had soared from the depths to a very lofty altitude.He beamed with approval. Despite the warmth of his praise he would havebeen quite satisfied to see Pongo's little brother go at twenty dollars,and the reflection that the bidding had already reached one thousand andthat his commission was twenty per cent, had engendered a mood of sunnyhappiness.

  "One thousand is bid!" he carolled. "Now, gentlemen, I don't want tohurry you over this. You are all connoisseurs here, and you don't wantto see a priceless china figure of the Ming Dynasty get away from youat a sacrifice price. Perhaps you can't all see the figure where itis. Willie, take it round and show it to 'em. We'll take a littleintermission while you look carefully at this wonderful figure. Get amove on, Willie! Pick up your feet!"

  Archie, sitting dazedly, was aware that Reggie van Tuyl had finished hisbeauty sleep and was addressing the young man in the seat in front.

  "Why, hallo," said Reggie. "I didn't know you were back. You rememberme, don't you? Reggie van Tuyl. I know your sister very well. Archie,old man, I want you to meet my friend, Bill Brewster. Why, dash it!" Hechuckled sleepily. "I was forgetting. Of course! He's your--"

  "How are you?" said the young man. "Talking of my sister," he said toReggie, "I suppose you haven't met her husband by any chance? I supposeyou know she married some awful chump?"

  "Me," said Archie.

  "How's that?"

  "I married your sister. My name's Moffam."

  The young man seemed a trifle taken aback.

  "Sorry," he said.

  "Not at all," said Archie.

  "I was only going by what my father said in his letters," he explained,in extenuation.

  Archie nodded.

  "I'm afraid your jolly old father doesn't appreciate me. But I'm hopingfor the best. If I can rope in that rummy-looking little china thingthat Jo-Jo the dog-faced boy is showing the customers, he will be allover me. I mean to say, you know, he's got another like it, and, ifhe can get a full house, as it were, I'm given to understand he'll bebucked, cheered, and even braced."

  The young man stared.

  "Are YOU the fellow who's been bidding against me?"

  "Eh, what? Were you bidding against ME?"

  "I wanted to buy the thing for my father. I've a special reason forwanting to get in right with him just now. Are you buying it for him,too?"

  "Absolutely. As a surprise. It was Lucille's idea. His valet, a chappienamed Parker, tipped us off that the thing was to be sold."

  "Parker? Great Scot! It was Parker who tipped ME off. I met him onBroadway, and he told me about it."

  "Rummy he never mentioned it in his letter to me. Why, dash it, we couldhave got the thing for about two dollars if we had pooled our bids."

  "Well, we'd better pool them now, and extinguish that pill at the backthere. I can't go above eleven hundred. That's all I've got."

  "I can't go above eleven hundred myself."

  "There's just one thing. I wish you'd let me be the one to hand thething over to Father. I've a special reason for wanting to make a hitwith him."

  "Absolutely!" said Archie, magnanimously. "It's all the same to me. Ionly wanted to get him generally braced
, as it were, if you know what Imean."

  "That's awfully good of you."

  "Not a bit, laddie, no, no, and far from it. Only too glad."

  Willie had returned from his rambles among the connoisseurs, and Pongo'sbrother was back on his pedestal. The high-priest cleared his throat andresumed his discourse.

  "Now that you have all seen this superb figure we will--I was offeredone thousand--one thousand-one-one-one-one--eleven hundred. Thank you,sir. Eleven hundred I am offered."

  The high-priest was now exuberant. You could see him doing figures inhis head.

  "You do the bidding," said Brother Bill.

  "Right-o!" said Archie.

  He waved a defiant hand.

  "Thirteen," said the man at the back.

  "Fourteen, dash it!"

  "Fifteen!"

  "Sixteen!"

  "Seventeen!"

  "Eighteen!"

  "Nineteen!"

  "Two thousand!"

  The high-priest did everything but sing. He radiated good will andbonhomie.

  "Two thousand I am offered. Is there any advance on two thousand? Come,gentlemen, I don't want to give this superb figure away. Twenty-onehundred. Twenty-one-one-one-one. This is more the sort of thing I havebeen accustomed to. When I was at Sotheby's Rooms in London, this kindof bidding was a common-place. Twenty-two-two-two-two-two. One hardlynoticed it. Three-three-three. Twenty-three-three-three. Twenty-threehundred dollars I am offered."

  He gazed expectantly at Archie, as a man gazes at some favourite dogwhom he calls upon to perform a trick. But Archie had reached the end ofhis tether. The hand that had twiddled so often and so bravely lay inertbeside his trouser-leg, twitching feebly. Archie was through.

  "Twenty-three hundred," said the high-priest, ingratiatingly.

  Archie made no movement. There was a tense pause. The high-priest gave alittle sigh, like one waking from a beautiful dream.

  "Twenty-three hundred," he said. "Once twenty-three. Twice twenty-three.Third, last, and final call, twenty-three. Sold at twenty-three hundred.I congratulate you, sir, on a genuine bargain!"

  Reggie van Tuyl had dozed off again. Archie tapped his brother-in-law onthe shoulder.

  "May as well be popping, what?"

  They threaded their way sadly together through the crowd, and made forthe street. They passed into Fifth Avenue without breaking the silence.

  "Bally nuisance," said Archie, at last.

  "Rotten!"

  "Wonder who that chappie was?"

  "Some collector, probably."

  "Well, it can't be helped," said Archie.

  Brother Bill attached himself to Archie's arm, and became communicative.

  "I didn't want to mention it in front of van Tuyl," he said, "becausehe's such a talking-machine, and it would have been all over New Yorkbefore dinner-time. But you're one of the family, and you can keep asecret."

  "Absolutely! Silent tomb and what not."

  "The reason I wanted that darned thing was because I've just got engagedto a girl over in England, and I thought that, if I could hand my fatherthat china figure-thing with one hand and break the news with the other,it might help a bit. She's the most wonderful girl!"

  "I'll bet she is," said Archie, cordially.

  "The trouble is she's in the chorus of one of the revues over there,and Father is apt to kick. So I thought--oh, well, it's no good worryingnow. Come along where it's quiet, and I'll tell you all about her."

  "That'll be jolly," said Archie.