A Quest for Chumps (Departed Dimensions Book 1)

by G. M. Reinstra

“None taken,” Remmy said with a shrug.

  The sound of Nivin clearing his throat echoed through the chamber. Everyone looked up to find that he was standing on top of the chandelier, one hand gripping the chain for support while the other loosely hung by his side. His hair was waving in the non-existent wind.

  “How did you get up there?” Remmy asked.

  “Did I offend you Nivin?” Lorenza said with a grin. “Then get down here and prove me wrong.”

  Nivin gracefully leapt down from the chandelier, landing with a roll to evenly distribute his weight through his body as he fell. He stood up and tossed his hair to the side, then crouched down in front of a boulder slightly smaller than one of the ones John had picked up moments ago. He heaved upward until was red in the face, but the boulder did not budge. He tried several more times without any success. After a moment, he stood upright to face John and Rialta. He motioned toward the fissure in the rocks ahead of them.

  I think Remmy and Rialta should go ahead and scout for us while we clear this path. I just need a moment to warm up a bit before I can help out. Truly, there is no limit to my ability to carry away these boulders. I think maybe I just slept a little funny last night or something. I’ve got a crick in my neck that I need to work out is all. You two just go ahead, we’ll take care of things here. Incidentally, John, your right boot is untied.

  “Oh, thanks,” John said as he kneeled down to retie his boot. “I guess he has a point,” he added to Remmy and Rialta. “Would you two mind scouting out the path ahead? It would probably be best if we know what we’re getting into. You’re both the smallest, so it should be easy for you to stay out of sight and out of trouble.”

  “Seriously, is nobody else curious about how he got up there?” Remmy said, looking to Rialta and John for support.

  “Oh let’s just go already, Remmy,” Rialta said, grabbing Remmy by the wrist as she walked toward the mound of boulders. She led him up to the tunnel, then nodded for him to proceed ahead of her. The two of them began to sidle through the narrow gap in the rocks piled before them.

  Rialta followed close behind Remmy, eager to ensure that he did not leave her sight as they proceeded through the narrow passage. Crawling through this path already made her feel claustrophobic, a feeling which she thought would somehow become much worse if Remmy lost her.

  When they finally emerged on the other end, they found themselves in a nearly identical circular chamber, only this one was dotted with a much larger number of stalagmites sticking out of the ground. There was a similar makeshift prison in this room, but unlike the other chamber, its prison was not empty; its floor was littered with gremlin bones. There were also two passages leading away from this chamber, one to their left, and one to their right. A series of distant clinking and clanking noises echoed from the opening to the right.

  In the very center of the chamber was a large wooden table. Rialta took a few steps forward to investigate it—but she immediately wished she hadn’t. Sitting on top of the table was a gigantic heap of mealy, moldy bread and green, tainted meat. The massive mound had been crudely piled together to form a disgusting mockery of a sandwich. Rialta doubled over and let out several dry heaves as the stench of the culinary abomination reached her nose.

  “What’s the matter?” Remmy whispered, but Rialta simply shook her head in response, doing her best to regain her composure. Just then, however, she heard a series of muffled, echoing footsteps approaching from their left. She bolted toward Remmy, who took a step back in response.

  “Rialta, what are you—”

  Rialta grabbed Remmy by the collar and pulled him down behind a large stalagmite just in time. Slowly, she peeked out from their hiding place to see what was happening. A gigantic, muscular gremlin garbed in grimy leather armor had come stomping into the large chamber from the tunnel to the left. As Rialta watched its massive form tread into the chamber, she noticed a very large silver necklace hanging around its neck. Behind this huge gremlin followed a very squat, wrinkled, chubby gremlin in neat green robes. This older gremlin was wearing a golden crown encrusted with several large, glittering precious stones. Rialta supposed he must have been a sort of king.

  Trailing the gremlin king was a small group of much smaller, emaciated gremlins, all of which were wearing tattered rags. These gremlins eyed the hideous sandwich in the center of the room with a look of longing as they passed through, but none of them dared to approach it. The smaller gremlins all looked very haggard and anxious, while the large, armored gremlin and the king confidently led the others to the opposite side of the chamber. When all the gremlins reached the entryway leading into the right tunnel, the large gremlin stopped and turned to face the others.

  The beast began to speak. It wasn’t any language that Rialta had ever heard before—and it consisted primarily of noisy, off-putting grunts—but she could tell that whatever the gremlin was saying was a series of demands to the little gremlins wearing rags. He kept pointing back and forth between the gremlins and the tunnel as he shouted. The smaller gremlins cowered under his tirade, but the king seemed to adopt a rather smug expression as the others were being chastised.

  “What should we do?” Remmy asked Rialta.

  “Just stay quiet for now,” Rialta whispered. “Let’s just watch and see what we can find out.”

  When the huge gremlin finished his speech, the procession of gremlins collectively disappeared into the cave on the right. As soon as the chamber was clear, Remmy darted out from behind the stalagmite.

  “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Rialta hissed as Remmy sprinted toward the table.

  But Remmy did not respond. He retrieved his tome from within his pack and held his palm open above the disgusting sandwich sitting on the table in the middle of the room.

  “Gods above, please hear me.”

  Remmy was whispering his prayer, but the acoustics of the cavern carried his words to Rialta as though he was right beside her. She felt a sheen of sweat form on her forehead as Remmy began to pray. She looked toward the distant entrance on the other side of this chamber, fully expecting the gigantic gremlin to come dashing through it at any moment and pound their faces into a bloody pulp.

  “Remmy!” Rialta hissed, gripping the side of the side of the stalagmite. “Come back!”

  But Remmy had not heard her.

  “We ask you this day to bless this food,” Remmy said, and he sounded surprisingly sincere. “We are grateful for the abundance you offer us, and the abundance you provide to our families and friends.”

  Rialta’s jaw dropped. “Is now really the time to say grace?” she whispered anxiously.

  “We appreciate this food, for we know what it means to go hungry. We appreciate your gift, for we know it is holy, and of your design. It’s, like, totally bitchin’, and we can’t get enough of it.”

  Rialta felt a shiver run down her spine when, to her astonishment, a gentle choir of voices seemed to issue from the center of the room. Remmy was apparently equally surprised, as his eyes shot open wide and a huge, silly grin broke across his face. He returned his focus to the blessing and continued to mutter prayers, holding his hand steady over the sandwich. The ethereal voices seemed to hum and whisper in harmony with Remmy’s prayer, and suddenly, a gentle blue light issued from the palm of his hand. Rialta watched in amazement as the light seemed to imbue the sandwich with energy. “Holy shit, he really is a cleric,” she muttered, completely transfixed by the light flowing from Remmy’s hands.

  “Please hear our prayers, and take it easy up there, my guys,” Remmy concluded. With his prayer finished, he seemed to snap back to reality. The ethereal voices stopped singing, and the light coming from his hands faded away. He looked around the chamber, confused.

  “Get over here!” Rialta said, frantically gesturing for Remmy to join her behind the stalagmite. Remmy complied, and he ran to her at once.

  He had not returned a moment too soon. The moment his long robes swept behind the stalagmite,
the massive gremlin with the silver necklace stepped back into the chamber, his focus immediately centering on the sandwich on the table. The beast grunted, and with a greedy look in his eye, he charged directly toward it. He seized his sandwich and snapped off nearly half of it in one giant bite. He chewed for a moment, then paused. His mouth still full, the gremlin stupidly cocked an eyebrow and lifted the sandwich up to eye-level to inspect it.

  Rialta looked back and forth between Remmy and the gremlin. “Remmy,” she whispered, nudging him in the ribs, “what exactly was your prayer supposed to—”

  But she was cut off by an enormous, thundering explosion. It was so massive, so powerful and deafening that the chamber trembled and dirt and dust rained down from the ceiling. She stood as still as a statue, startled by the loud noise.

  Rialta’s stunned stillness was fortunate just then, because massive chunks of the former gremlin were spewing all over the interior of the chamber. She would have been covered in its viscera had she stepped out from cover to see what had happened.

  “What the hell was that?” Rialta finally said as her senses began to return to her. She looked around in horror at the remains of the armored gremlin, the last bits of which were finally coming to a rest in the furthest corners of the chamber.

  “I blessed his sandwich,” Remmy said with a shrug.

  “But how did that make him explode?” Rialta asked as she continued to gaze around the chamber, equally amazed and disgusted.

  “I dunno, it just sort of made sense, right?” Remmy said, looking thoughtful. “I mean, that big gremlin was bullying all the other ones. It seemed like he was having them do his bidding, so it was a reasonable conclusion that his intentions were hardly good. And if he was motivated by evil, it only makes sense that he’d be sort of…” Remmy twirled his wrist, searching for the right word, “… sort of, I don’t know allergic to something imbued with holy magic.”

  “Allergic!” Rialta shouted, clutching her hair so tightly in her hands that she threatened to pull it out. “Remmy, he’s literally been blown to bits! It’s not like he broke out into hives!”

  “Well excuse me, princess!” Remmy said. He casually walked over to retrieve the gremlin’s silver necklace, which was now lying on the ground just beside the stalagmite. “The point is it worked, didn’t it?”

  “That is not the point!” Rialta seethed, stepping out from the stalagmite and drawing her wand. “The point is that you’ve effectively summoned every last gremlin in this cave to our position!”

  Remmy’s face went blank. “Uh oh,” he said.

  “You think?” Rialta spat. Just then, a clamor of footsteps began to issue from the cave to the right, and a dull thud issued from behind them as John pushed one last boulder out of his way. Nivin and Lorenza followed into the chamber behind him.

  “What happened?” John said, looking back and forth between Rialta and Remmy, then at the mess of gremlin guts splattered across the chamber. They heard the echoing, distant voices of angry gremlins shouting from the tunnel to the right.

  “Don’t worry about that now,” said Rialta. She took a defensive stance and she aimed her wand toward the corridor on the right. “We’re about to have a fight on our hands…”

  A troop of nearly fifty gremlins stood at the entrance of the chamber, their eyes wide in shock as they looked about the room. All of them were clutching torches, shovels, and pickaxes.

  “John! With me!” Rialta shouted, beckoning him to her side. He nodded and charged toward her. “Nivin, Remmy, find the one with the crown and try to flank him! He’s important to them, we might need him as leverage!” With this, Nivin sprinted in a wide arc and aimed his bow toward the king’s right side. Remmy looked confused for a moment before running to catch up with Nivin.

  “Lorenza!” Rialta shouted. “Stay with me!”

  Lorenza shifted over to stand immediately to Rialta’s right, and she raised her horn to her lips, ready to play.

  A brief moment of silence passed while Rialta huddled between John and Lorenza, anxiously awaiting the assault that was sure to begin in an instant. She felt her heart thudding against her ribs as she held her wand outstretched toward the gathering mob of gremlins.

  Suddenly, the king let out a roar. The gremlins charged into the room, but stopped short just past the opening arch of the large chamber. One of the gremlins leading the front of the pack held up a hand and shouted something as it came to a sudden halt. The gremlins behind it followed suit, each of them coming to a stop. Rialta and the others held their fighting stances on their side of the room, eyeing the gremlins warily.

  The gremlin that had commanded the others to stop shouted something and pointed at Remmy. The gremlin king looked at Remmy in response, and his eyes widened in shock before letting out a howl tinged with rage and—if Rialta was not mistaken—perhaps a hint of fear. The remaining group of gremlins turned as one to face the king. Many of their numbers began to shout at him, apparently demanding his silence.

  One of the smaller gremlins, who was carrying a pickaxe, slowly approached Remmy and Nivin as though he’d been chosen as an envoy. Rialta adjusted her stance when he approached, but the smaller gremlin held his arms up in surrender as he walked toward them. He stopped about ten feet away from Remmy, then dropped his pickaxe onto the floor in an unmistakable a sign of good faith. Nivin and Remmy looked to Rialta, who nodded in approval. Each of them relaxed while the gremlin slowly continued his approach. He very carefully walked up to Remmy, and he slowly raised his hand to point at the necklace Remmy had picked up just moments ago.

  “I think he wants the necklace,” Rialta whispered.

  “Hey, finders keepers, buddy,” Remmy said, jerking the necklace back toward his chest.

  “Just give him the damned thing,” John muttered. “I took plenty of jewelry from the viceroy’s place. I’ll give you one of his necklaces if it really means that much to you.”

  Remmy sighed and he carelessly tossed the necklace to the gremlin, who deftly snatched it out of the air and immediately began to inspect it. The gremlin king seemed to grow even more anxious, and the crowd of gremlins all around him seemed to be leaning forward as one to await the outcome of their envoy’s appraisal.

  Suddenly, the envoy let out a shriek of victory, throwing his hands back and craning his neck to the ceiling of the cavern as he screamed. Rialta reactively took aim with her wand once more, but there was no need. The horde of gremlins began to pile on the king, who shrieked in pain as his subjects proceeded to pummel him with their shovels and pickaxes. Rialta winced and turned away from the violent assault. The gremlins were at least merciful, as the king’s execution did not take long. As soon as it was apparent that the king was dead, the horde of gremlins ran past the group and out of the room through the opening John and Lorenza had created just moments ago. The gremlins ignored Rialta and her friends entirely on their way out.

  John gaped as the last of the gremlins retreated from the caverns. “What just happened?” he asked.

  “I—I think that one with the crown and his massive lieutenant gremlin friend were enslaving the smaller and weaker ones,” Rialta said. “Once Remmy killed the muscle of the operation, the others turned on their master and made a run for it.”

  “Remmy did this?” John asked incredulously as he nodded to the gremlin chunks covering the chamber. “How? I thought you were the one who made that explosion.”

  “He… blessed a sandwich.” Rialta replied.

  Nivin threw his hands down by his sides and let out a little huff of indignation as he gestured to the gory mess all about the room. What the hell are you talking about, Rialta?

  “I’m with him,” John said. “What the hell are you talking about, Rialta?”

  “I’ll explain it all later!” Remmy shouted impatiently. “We have a more important matter at hand: do you think they took the emerald with them?” he asked.

  “No, look!” Rialta shouted as she pointed to the king’s crown. It had been uncere
moniously flung across the floor in the midst of the portly gremlin’s chaotic demise. She rushed over to pick it up and show the rest of the group the massive, glittering emerald centered in the crest of the crown. She trotted over to John and handed it to him.

  John held the crown up to the light to inspect it. “Yep, this has got to be what we’re looking for,” he said.

  “Excellent!” Rialta shouted with a smile. “Good work, everyone!”

  “Yeesh, Rialta, have a sense of decorum,” Remmy said shaking his head with a solemn frown.

  “What do you mean?” Rialta said, her jubilant disposition evaporating.

  “Uh, do you not see the dead body and the gremlin chunks plastered all around this room?” Lorenza said, shaking her head at Rialta in disapproval.

  “But they were our enemies,” Rialta said, astonished. “They enslaved all the other ones.”

  “All the same, Rialta. It’s pretty morbid of you to celebrate anything in here,” John said. “Even a jerk like me knows that.”

  “Are—are you all serious?” Rialta said, eyeing them each in turn.

  Nivin began to scowl in disapproval, but the corner of his mouth twitched and gave him away.

  “Are you all messing with me?” Rialta asked, putting her hands on her hips.

  “Lighten up, princess,” John said, and he slapped her on the back.

  Lorenza and Remmy broke into laughter as Rialta let out a groan.

  “You’re going to have to wise up a bit more if you want to keep hanging out with us,” John said with a smile.

  “Indeed I shall,” Rialta said dryly. She snatched the crown from John’s hand and made her way into the tunnel behind him.

  Chapter 26

  The Viceroy’s Return

  Nearly a month had passed after the “cave incident,” as Remmy had taken to calling it. The days were becoming shorter, and the weather on Tyntala had become much colder. The bouts of rain that were once a common occurrence had frozen into sleet and snow. Rialta found herself wearing the Cloak of Nightshade near constantly, even when just walking around the Chasm. Thin though it was, it was easily the warmest piece of clothing that she owned.