Stitching the Soul

by Courtney Peppernell

  There are moments our love feels like the world—unpredictable, unforgiving, unstable. But I am reminded that in the world there is also light and trees that grow again. So, my love for you continues to grow, continues to move through every turn and every bend.

  You have left your

  fingerprints

  across my body

  and all over my heart.

  Even in the moments

  we are apart,

  I still feel your touch.

  We spent that rainy afternoon making origami at your coffee table. You made dragons and love hearts, swans and roses. And then you made a paper crane, told me to make a wish; but you had forgotten I’d made my wish long before. And oh, how it came true, how I’d always longed for someone like you.

  You said nothing. But it wasn’t the bad kind of nothing. It was the kind of silence that caused fireworks. Invisible tethers sprouting from our hearts and joining us together.

  Find the person who makes your body fold and collapse against their touch. Find the person who wants to grow with you, learn with you, keep you safe. Find the person who makes you see stars every time you kiss. Find the type of love that makes you want to exist.

  We were sitting in your car, watching the waves roll toward the beach, and the sun was sinking, colors splayed across the sky. And you asked me if I had ever heard of a double sunset. You said the theory was really just a planet orbiting two stars. But when you looked at me, the fading light of this world catching in your hair, you said you’d rather believe a double sunset was just two suns going to sleep in each other’s arms.

  Love someone the way you love the little things in life. A few extra minutes in bed, how bread tastes when dipped in soup, fresh air when you’ve been at work all day. When you love someone like the little moments that consume your day, that love becomes as simple and pure as the sun rising and setting in that magical kind of way.

  We will always think of things that break us. But remember to think of the things that make you whole. When you find a passage in a book that speaks to you, a funny comic online, a sunny day in a big city, or the smell of fresh air in a small town. The butterflies you feel for someone who turns your world upside down. Think of the things that make your heart burst with love.

  But your heart does more than circulate the life around your body. It feels deeply for words that fit the moment; it treads carefully and carefree, sometimes unsure of what will be. It soaks in reminders, opportunities, things that make it beat. It glows when you are in love and pushes you to stand on your own two feet. It is a friend to your soul when you feel so lost.

  The way love has made me fall and break; the way it has made me push boundaries, drive miles; the way love has made me blind. Yet here I still am, breathing, living, loving.

  When You Fall in Love

  It’s falling in love with insecurities

  and flaws

  knowing you have them too

  It’s falling in love with their past

  because they are now your

  present and future

  It’s falling in love with their hopes

  and dreams

  and sharing your own too

  It’s falling in love with every good morning

  and goodnight text

  because you can’t start or end your day

  without them

  It’s falling in love with knowing how much

  you care for someone

  even if you never thought it was possible

  It’s a summer’s day

  and your smile makes

  the blood in my veins

  run wild

  It’s a fall day

  and your laugh

  might be the best sound

  in the world

  It’s a winter’s day

  and my heart

  is not contained

  in my rib cage

  because of you

  It’s a spring day

  and the way you look

  in the early hours of the morning

  makes my skin burn in all

  the right ways

  I think you are

  beautiful in all the seasons

  But I have been

  thinking about you all day

  and I just wanted to remind you

  how much you take my

  breath away

  There is something so gentle about the way you take my hand and press your lips to my knuckles. Something so simple, but a love that’s given me hope.

  There will always be best and worst parts of people. There will always be moments life feels stagnant, unfulfilling, boring. Love is what fills the space between mundane and exciting; it takes hold with such force, it cancels everything out. My love for you is all things: cooking dinner so you don’t have to, doing laundry while you are at work, waiting patiently outside the bar for you to pick me up—even if it’s three in the morning, you still tell me to call. My love for you is laughing as you kiss my neck, begging me to dance to our song. It’s drinking the last of the wine while you wash the dishes at night. For every standstill moment of my life, for every exciting moment, I will love you even more. You are my light, my love, the person always standing on the other side of an open door.

  Your ex’s name tastes like burnt coffee. And it’s not because of you. It’s my fault. I feel anger thinking about all the people who haven’t treated you in the way you deserve. Who haven’t looked at you and seen all the wonder and grace of the universe. I wish I had met you at the beginning of time, told you everything would be all right when your hand eventually found mine.

  These moments with my head on your chest, listening to your breathing, your stomach making funny sounds, the TV noise in the background. I live for these moments. I feel your love as you run your fingers through my hair, as you run your nails across my back, drawing on my skin. These simple moments in bed after a long day, when you are holding me, and I just know in the end everything will always be okay.

  Make a throne of your heart

  And only allow a queen to take residence

  But even if they like different movies, or songs, or books, they should still want to know yours. When someone loves you, they want to know what your favorite things are.

  Here you are

  despite all your scars

  And for all the things I wish for you

  I wish more than the sky and its stars

  that you love yourself as much as I do

  Here you are

  like all the colors

  melting in the sky

  I will always say goodnight

  But never goodbye

  Here you are

  and we’ve been getting older

  Sorting through moments

  difficult to define

  But you bring the light

  and I know it’s a sign

  Here you are

  thinking no one sees your demons

  as you fight to keep them at bay

  But I see it all

  and I promise

  I’ll return each day

  Sometimes I think about

  how snow only falls in certain places

  or how our thoughts get stored away

  in secret spaces.

  I think about driving down a highway

  with my hand in yours,

  with that sleepy smile I adore

  and knowing you’ll always stay.

  I think about the color of your eyes

  in summer and your favorite shirt;

  it’s the one you took from me.

  Sometimes I think about things

  and everything we can do.
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  But if I’m honest, the thing

  I think about most

  is you.

  I know we’re all just afraid to let someone in. It’s when they get too close and knit themselves into our skin. We think, Where else can we go if we see them in everything?

  I see a universe in you

  the way it reflects in your eyes

  and in the way you talk

  and hold yourself

  even in the moments you hide

  Out of all these souls

  yours makes me fold

  and I just want you to know

  that you are safe with me

  Your heart is a home

  I just always want to hold

  From here until you will have me

  if why I think you are enough

  needs reason after reason

  I will be here

  with my hand over your heart

  reminding you season to season

  You deserve all the love

  a person can possibly have

  And every single part of me hopes

  you know you are a person

  I think the absolute world of

  Love is sweats and messy hair. It’s cooking together when you’re tired after work, and it’s walking hand in hand at those little county fairs. It’s makeup on pillows and talking late at night. It’s falling asleep midconversation and laughing about it the next day. It’s showing that you care with texts like “love you” and “be home soon.” It’s spending weekends sleeping in and watching movies until noon. It’s breathing in their scent, and nothing smells as good. It’s having someone who always reminds you to just be yourself. It’s leaving butter and toast on the kitchen counter for breakfast and making extra dinner so they have leftovers. It’s standing in the middle of a crowded room and watching their face light up when they see you. Love is soft lips and wiping away tears. Love is hidden notes and encouragement through the years. Love is wanting their happiness shared with yours. Love is checking in, two souls wrapped together, skin to skin. Love is power, oxygen, everything that is right. Love reminds us of magic, like the stars at night.

  If your soul needs empowering

  Sometimes I look at you, and I wonder who made you feel like you weren’t strong enough to face each and every day. I wonder who made you feel as though you weren’t smart enough to go your own way. I wonder what I can do to show you that you do not need to seek shelter in other people’s acceptance. You do not need other people’s permission to begin. There is a perfectly good home within your own skin.

  It takes strength to show kindness to your soul while you are healing. Some of us fear being vulnerable around others. We are so afraid to unmask ourselves and show our true colors to the rest of the world. But there is no shame in recovery. We are only human. We are allowed to make mistakes and learn from them. There is such beauty in redemption. Such wisdom in growing. Be a friend to your heart while it undertakes its journey.

  It’s not always about telling yourself that you are fearless and radiant and brave. It’s about acknowledging all your faults and not despising yourself for them.

  People fear those who stand up for themselves. The people who fight day in and day out for the rights of the vulnerable. They fear the people who fight the chains. So, continue breaking them.

  You will meet someone, and they will become the person who consumes most of your thoughts. You will envision a future and be consumed by expectations of how it’s all going to turn out. You will fall so in love, much of everything else won’t matter as such. Until, one day, things aren’t going like you planned, and you start to think about your own dreams, but they are nowhere to be found. You start to wonder who you are in the world without this person, but you can’t find the answer. To love someone doesn’t mean you have to lose yourself. There is great magnificence in knowing your way and not being afraid to leave people behind.

  Each new day brings the sun back to us, and we can leave our troubles on the windowsill as the night takes them with her. So, I wanted to remind you that if you feel you can’t go on, know that you are needed: who you are, will be, and were.

  We don’t all live without regret. I always try to see each mistake as a lesson. Something that needed to be taught. But there is one person I deeply regret. And it’s not because of how she acted or the lies she told. It’s not because of how selfish she was or all the things she thought she controlled. It’s because in the process of loving her, I forgot what it was to be me. In the time she acted poorly, I ignored all the signs. And I think that’s life’s greatest tragedy, when you allow another to treat you badly and your response is “it’s fine.”

  It’s about transformation. Instead of finding boredom, find passion. Instead of being discouraged, find encouragement. Sometimes it’s not even what you draw from others, it’s what you draw from within. Inspiring yourself is a place to begin.

  The sun will always carry hope every day it rises. You must learn that it also carries respect, strength, and goodwill. All the things you should take with you as you go about your day. When someone says you are beautiful, capable, strong, and a person who will achieve their dreams, I hope that person is yourself.

  In the beginning, there will be more bad days than good. On those bad days, you won’t want to get better. You will tell yourself it is easier to stay in pieces. Recovery is not warm tea and a handful of sleepless nights. It is an ache that makes it unbearable to wake up. But it is also finding a new person among the grief of all the pieces. It is never giving up on the road to surviving.

  Success is merely how you perceive it to be. You can be in love and be successful, have a family and home that is your own and be successful. You can have a song on the radio, a book in stores, or know all the notes to your mother’s favorite song on piano. You can be sober, staying clean and be successful. The world may have defined success, but your gift is to decide what success means to you.

  Magic is more than stars,

  her eyes, and dreams

  It is standing in the shower

  after a long day,

  exhausted,

  tired from the world,

  in despair

  And yet the water feels

  cleansing,

  warm,

  filled with repair

  The bravery isn’t to stay

  broken

  The bravery is to survive

  And show off the scars

  “Calm down” isn’t always what someone wants to hear. Try to remember that, for some people, the illness holds on with all its might. It wraps its jaws so tightly around the heart, it feels impossible to even move. But even if calm thoughts seem unimaginable, it does not mean you cannot live. It does not mean you are useless, replaceable, or unimportant. Because you are stronger than the jaws locked around your heart. You can do anything, my friend.

  You can’t blame yourself for every mistake you’ve made. Sure, there will be some you are ashamed of. Maybe you broke that girl’s heart, when she was always kind to you. But if you live the rest of your life building a house out of all the mistakes you’re ever made, then you are never going to call it a home. Keep your mistakes as lanterns, hanging on the tree outside, a reminder that even error can bring us back to light.

  Progress is personal. Someone’s biggest accomplishment may be something that came naturally to you. This doesn’t make it any less important. People struggle with different emotions and skill sets. How far they have come or how far they have to go is part of their journey. Never diminish someone else’s progress.

  We lose things all the time: books, sweaters, friends, and love. But losing yourself is a loss of a different kind. If you are out there in the world, searching for who you are, take your time.

  Throughout
life, lots of people will tell you that they love you. Some will leave no sooner had they told you, others will stay awhile, and a rare few will stay for all your life. But to give love to yourself, that takes diligence, bravery, forgiveness. Anyone can tell the world they love themselves; few actually mean it.

  But you notice worth when it is wrapped around someone. It has a different glow. So, I hope you never settle when it comes to your worth. That you know it and acknowledge it and let others see it too. Because who you are and how you shine should be known. You should be taught to understand you are worth the world.

  You can rely on yourself, but that doesn’t mean you have to reject people willing to help you. There are souls in this life who want what is best for you. Surround yourself with good people. Surround yourself with people who care about what you do.

  You don’t have to punish yourself for breaking your own promises. But you must try to keep them. If you are trying, you are always keeping that promise.

  Life felt simpler when we were younger. We wanted to climb trees and run through sprinklers. We liked to swashbuckle friends and ride bikes in the late afternoon. We liked to be pilots of jungle gyms and pirates of the sea. We liked to be first ladies and magicians and talk to fairies. What inspires children changes when we grow. But maybe as children we really did have all the answers—to be kind to others, to fill our lives with wonder, to fight for the things we believe in, with voices as loud as thunder.

  Caring for Yourself

  Just remember you are a home

  to a soul that needs rest

  and sleep and soft words