Stitching the Soul

by Courtney Peppernell

  You are someone else’s

  memory, friend, family

  You are a stranger’s glance

  a cashier’s conversation

  a waiter’s last patron

  You are an atom that exists

  in a world constantly on the move

  you deserve to value yourself

  the way the sky values the moon

  You can hold your head up or down, or however the hell you like.

  It’s your walk.

  I remember the fear, how it gripped me when I realized it was much less looking up to women and more about falling for them. The way a woman moves, speaks, thinks. How I wanted my lips on hers, how I wanted conversations late at night and dates over candlelight. The constant feeling of people watching if I went to hold her hand, the wanting to tell the world loving women didn’t define me, didn’t change who I was, my dreams, my hopes, my drive for life. But then things did start to change. I no more feared what people would say or think because it wasn’t going to change the love I felt. I started to believe in the world again, the rise and fall of my chest as I breathed change in. How beautiful it is to change, to be open to things different than what we have always perceived. I started to tell the world I was in love. Because love is a wonderful thing, and love always wins.

  She will continue to grow, without all the comments you made about her wearing that dress or how she did her hair. She will find light under all the self-destruction, and she will regain her energy from everything you drained from her. She will find her way back from the despair you stitched into her skin, and you will see a new her begin again without you.

  You lose her by never acknowledging she is her own person—a separate existence to you. You bring heartache when you rather control than share. You lose her by never being fair, by taking her for granted instead of showing her she is the best thing to happen to you.

  Time and time again,

  I am in awe

  of a woman’s resilience.

  How she can take back her

  heart and home,

  even when it is burned down

  again and again.

  You are worthy of your story

  It’s yours

  You deserve to have a stage

  If only one soul to listen

  There was a time she measured herself in small steps, rising in the morning to take a shower, filling the empty cupboards with food, remembering to turn the lights back on after weeks of darkness. And now she rises in the morning with purpose, ties her shoelaces the way she tied all the old memories together and forgave them. She looks in the mirror and knows each new day is still a journey, but one worth taking.

  When you are whole by yourself, this frightens some people. When you are strong, in spite of suffering, some people don’t understand. But carry yourself, anyway, tell your story the way you need to. Every journey is worth knowing, the good, the between, and the harrowing.

  You are surrounded by people who are trying to mold you to fit an idea that they perceive as beautiful. You will be expected to smile instead of standing up and fighting harder than most to be a leader. But you were born strong. Never let the world take away your voice.

  Courage is not always meant for battlefields. Sometimes courage is found when you see someone else in trouble, and you speak up.

  You have to start by not wishing to be somebody else. When you wish to be someone other than yourself, you start to lose who you are. Trying to become someone else is not the same as becoming the best version of yourself.

  She had a dream, and in her hands, she was holding her heart. But she remained still, so it crumbled to dust. You need to move. Your heart is broken, not dead. Get up. Open the curtains. You are more than dust. You are a warrior who bled, and your blood is worth every color in the sky.

  If I could talk to my younger self, I would tell her to forgive herself. Being soft in a hardened world isn’t a bad thing. I would apologize to her for never allowing her to use her voice for fear of what others may say. I would tell her to be braver, live every moment like it’s her last day.

  I know what it’s like to want things all at once. To have your goals achieved in minutes, to be free of all the moments pushing you to your limits. But the journey is part of the lesson. You need to walk the path to find what is in your heart.

  Let every moment that pains you

  make you stronger and kinder.

  The trauma is yours,

  but you are not the trauma.

  On a rainy Sunday, she took out the pieces of an old jigsaw puzzle and began to piece together a picture of the moon. How it reminded her of her journey, placing each piece of herself back together again. How she hoped to become whole meant becoming her own friend.

  You belong to a life filled with experiences that will shape you and allow you to grow your soul. You belong to a life that will show you love, kindness, and courage. Even if there are moments when you feel all things rushing against the current. You belong to a life feeling safe and at peace. You deserve to feel empowered; you deserve to feel like a masterpiece. And more than anything, you deserve to always be yourself.

  If your soul needs to breathe

  Your true self knows its limitations and its boundaries. Your true self never punishes your soul for these either. It knows there are some journeys meant for you and others that aren’t, and both outcomes are simply meant to be.

  Growing into yourself is terrifying at times. All the pressure to find out who you are, what you like, our passions, your goals, your drive in life. It is overwhelming. No one teaches you to stop and breathe. No one teaches you that you will always be growing. The flowers grow, blossom, wilt, and return again. A constant life cycle of learning, of blooming, and so too do you.

  You cannot physically see someone’s heart from the outside. You don’t know of the scars it bears or the stories it wants to share. But people often hint at the journey their hearts have taken. It’s in their eyes when you offer kindness rather than anger. It’s in the way they walk after you tell them to enjoy their day. It’s in their smile when you offer a smile first. It’s in their spirit when you acknowledge their worth.

  I’ve been inhaling and exhaling and learning to let go of all the things that hold me back. I have been tending to my heart and listening to my soul, realizing to let go and to breathe is the first step in becoming whole.

  We speak of mountains and the bravery of climbing them. Of the challenge we face with them, of the power they hold over our becoming. We forget the road we took to reach the mountain; we forget the courage it took to attempt the road to the mountain. We forget the sleepless night before, when we willed ourselves to take the road to the mountain to climb it. There are so many steps you take before attempting any hurdle, any challenge. You should be proud for even rising to climb the mountain.

  The world moves so fast, sometimes it is impossible to breathe. When this happens, remind yourself to feel the air around you, the way it kisses your skin. Remind yourself to notice the ground beneath you, the grass, the pavement, the sound of your footsteps. Notice every color in the sky, the birds, the clouds, the sun and stars. Remind yourself of the gratitude you have for every single breath.

  Life is meant to be more than dreams and aspirations and busy days. Life is meant to be noticed, to be absorbed, to be treasured. Notice when the sun catches the glass of your window, when the birds call out in the trees, when the waves crash into the shore, when the clouds part to reveal the moon. More than that, notice the person who lets you cut in line, the delivery driver who asks about your day, the friend who calls to see how you are, the wish you made late at night upon the brightest star. Life is meant to be noticed, not wasted away.

  When you breathe, breathe deeply; and when you laugh, laugh from the dep
ths of your soul. When you love, love with all your heart. When you are hurting, feel the pain, understand it, and let it go.

  Things will feel different someday.

  Your breath won’t catch every time

  you hear their name

  and see an old photograph

  or old message.

  You will feel free, healed, moved on.

  I have memorized your heartbeat in the way I have memorized the lyrics to my favorite song. I know the patterns of your breathing, the touch of your skin. I know your scent; it tastes like Sunday morning. I know my love for you is greater than all the stars burning.

  The first moment I saw you, I forgot to breathe. The first moment you spoke, I forgot to breathe. The first moment you kissed me, held my hand, told me you loved me, I forgot to breathe. But the moment you told me I was everything you had been hoping to find was the first time I breathed instead of forgetting.

  Make space for the ache

  live with it

  collect yourself slowly

  face every moment with it

  choose to breathe through it

  And more than anything, I hope you will find someone who reminds you to breathe. Who understands all your dreams, your needs, and insecurities. Who doesn’t try to push you to be someone you are not. Because you deserve that kind of support, that adoring love, that breath of fresh air.

  If they say you are broken, just know your soul was never meant to be perfect; it was always meant to split and to splinter, so that the light could shine through.

  Your hand is meant for my hand.

  Your lips meant for my lips.

  Your heart meant for my heart.

  Your soul meant for my soul.

  Your whole being

  meant for taking

  my breath away.

  I have been at war with myself for such a long time, the moments of insecurity, of doubt, of wondering if anything about me is ever good enough. I have found myself at the place falling stars return dreams, where forests become homes for the lost and weary. I am always gently reminding myself each breath carries worth. Each heartbeat carries value. Each small triumph the greatest I will ever know.

  Find the place that helps you recover and go there as surely as you need it. Use this place to breathe courage back into your soul, to lay all the burdens of the day to rest. To acknowledge any heartache or moments of yourself you believed less. No matter how difficult some hours, or days, or weeks feel, know that this is your safe space, your place to rest, recover, and heal.

  It can take years for someone to know their worth. To validate themselves in the way they deserve. To acknowledge their strengths, accept their flaws, look forward to every new day. It can take scars and bruises and battles to finally realize we make ourselves whole. So, if you are lucky enough to have a hand reach for you, reach back in kindness. Don’t undo all the work someone has put into their soul.

  Here you are thinking about all the things that have broken you, left you hanging by threads. Forced you to crawl into a cave so deep with so many words left unsaid. But you forget about all the things you still have. You forget that the person steering the ship is you. You forget that these things broke you but they did not destroy you.

  You are still here.

  Inhale the morning light as fully as you can, embrace the things to come, the dreams to be had, the goals to be won. Welcome the love in your heart as much as you have welcomed the sun.

  We aren’t made to always be full of energy; we can’t always be the light or the storyteller or the life of the whole room and party. You are allowed days to feel exhausted, to feel as though your bones are too heavy and your voice cracks open with insecurities every time you speak. You don’t have to always be the shoulder for someone else to lean on. You are still worthy even when you don’t feel like smiling; you are still strong even when all you want to do is stay in bed. Sometimes the world expects too much. Sometimes we are all guilty of forgetting we are all just human.

  I will be honest, I am still learning how to breathe steadily when my path leads me through things I cannot control. I am still learning to let go of the things that do not add to my own value. I am still learning to listen to my heart every time it says to slow down. I am still learning that while the leaves may fall, they will grow once more.

  You have this heart, and it wants to be loved and to be told it is the first choice. To be respected, promised things that aren’t broken, adored in the way it should be adored. And I know it hasn’t been easy; there have been moments so unkind and unforgiving, so devastating. But this does not diminish your heart, the wonder that it holds, or the strength it has to endure such disappointments. You have a beautiful heart; I just wanted you to know.

  It takes disaster, brokenness, chaos to realize the value in this world. If only people would look at the stars more, stare up into the deepest parts of the universe, and see just how vast, how fleeting, how all-encompassing life really is. Maybe we would all live a little differently.

  The breathing will be shaky, uncontrollable, sharp. But then it will become steady, in control, free. It is important to breathe through the anxiety, breathe through the panic, keep breathing to reach the place of peace.

  A whole world exists in every inhale and every exhale. It is filled with compassion and understanding. It is filled with hopes that you stay and that you continue forward. Which is why you must always continue breathing, always continue inhaling and exhaling.

  If your soul needs a friend

  Even when you have no reason, and the world no longer feels like the place you want to be, remember there is someone here hoping for you. Someone here in your corner, and that person is me.

  It’s three in the morning, and we are all together in this heartache.

  You can weather every storm that comes your way. But just in case you need a little encouraging, remember there is a lighthouse atop every hill, wishing the best for your soul and its strength, its courage, its very will.

  If you are wondering why the earth still hopes to see you smile or the flowers rise again to hear your dreams, know that it is because without you the universe stops spinning.

  There are lyrics that will make you feel things and movies that will make your heart beat fast. There are bright colors lighting up the sky, laughter in the middle of crowded rooms, people to tell you that they miss you, moments when you will be reminded of the unconditional love you have. There are cities to be lost in, museums to take in, traveling to be ventured, roads to be taken, conversations to be had. There are so many things ahead of you. So many reasons to stay.

  When thinking about the days ahead, just remember that worry will not bring closure, and guilt will not ease the past. You must move forward and follow your heart.

  You are brave for rising out of bed when you don’t feel you can. You are brave for choosing to live, even when you had no reason to. You are brave for sharing your story in the hopes it may help someone else. So, if no one has told you how brave you are today, I hope you know how brave I think you are.

  Don’t make your body the enemy. It is your map, your home, your canvas, your certainty. It deserves to be told it is beautiful, even on the days you notice every stretch mark and scar. Your body is the vessel for you soul; it is an entire earth of your being.

  You have spent too long in the spaces between longing and dreaming. If you needed a sign to start accomplishing rather than fantasizing, this is it.

  It doesn’t matter to me what books you read or movies you love. It doesn’t matter the clothes you wear; the color of your hair, eyes, or skin; when you end or where you begin. It doesn’t matter where you come from, where you are headed, how many tears you have cried, the things you have laughed over, the places you have been. All that matters are the moments yo
u stayed true to yourself, what you wanted, how you grew, how you replenished your soul.

  If you have done something kind today, or beautiful, or accomplished a goal you never thought you would, I am proud of you. Even if you think no one notices or cares for all the wins you have, know that you are still doing bright things. Know that everything you do and all that you have achieved matters.

  It takes many hands to build skyscrapers that stand tall against the skyline. Just like it takes many kind words to build someone up. Tell people they are magic; watch them stand tall against their own skylines.

  The thoughts sometimes feel like too much rain, hurtling down so heavily, they’re almost drowning you. But look up to the sky; tell the dark, angry clouds you are not afraid. Tell the whole damn universe you are the king or queen of your story and no one can strip you of your bravery.

  I knew someone once who had become so damaged, she no longer knew how to respond to kindness or the love she deserved. But she’s older now, a little wiser, a lot stronger. And she knows the strength she has, the fire in her bones. She is more than I ever imagined, more than I ever could have hoped to have known.

  We let ourselves go sometimes. The real defeat is when we punish ourselves for our setbacks rather than applauding ourselves for starting fresh again.