Kilo : being the love story of Eliph' Hewlitt, book agent

by Ellis Parker Butler

  CHAPTER VIII. The Medium-Sized Box

  As Eliph' walked briskly toward Miss Sally's house the Colonelwas having an interesting conversation with Attorney Toole, in theattorney's office over the Kilo Savings Bank.

  Attorney Toole had been a lawyer at Franklin, and he had come down toKilo because he preferred a being a big toad in a small puddle, ratherthan a little toad in a middle-sized one. This was one of his reasons,but another was that he had complete and full faith in Richard Toole,and intended to be a political power in the land. He could not be muchof anything in Franklin, for that town was hard and fast Democratic, andToole was a Republican. The first step to political preferment is to beelected to something or other, it does not make much difference what,and to rise from that to greater things, but a Republican had nochance in Franklin; couldn't even get an appointment as dog police orwharfmaster; couldn't get elected to any office at all.

  So Toole packed up his law books and moved to Kilo, where he was in aRepublican town, a Republican county, and a Republican congressionaldistrict, in a Republican State that formed part of a Republican nation.He selected Kilo, after considering other good little Republican towns,because the Republicans of Kilo needed aid and assistance; they were outof office; kicked out.

  Every so often the small town of the West turns the regular party outof office and puts in a Citizens' ticket, just to show that the peoplestill rule, and to let the greedy officeholders, some of whom get asmuch as one hundred dollars a year in salary, know that their officesare not life positions. When Attorney Toole descended on Kilo, theCitizens' Party was "in," and the Republicans were "out," and theattorney saw an opportunity of making himself valuable to his party byworking to put the party "in" again.

  Never before had the Colonel climbed his stairs, and Toole smiled likean Irish sphinx when the Colonel entered his office. He smiled most ofthe time, not because he thought a smile becoming to his freckledface, but because he found things so eternally amusing. In law a man isconsidered innocent until he has been proved guilty; in Kilo AttorneyToole considered everything amusing until it had been proved serious,and he considered the Colonel and Skinner, and the whole Citizens' Partythey had been instrumental in organizing, as parts of the same joke.They would stand until he was ready to lazily push out his hand andtopple them over. It was almost time to topple them, now, and he wasglad to see the Colonel; he motioned him to a seat, and smiled.

  The Colonel took his hat from his mat of coarse iron-gray hair, and laidit carefully on the floor. Out of his small sharp eyes ignorance andcunning peered, and the mass of beard that hid the greater part of hisface could not hide the hard line of his mouth.

  "I jest dropped up," he explained, after he had acknowledged theattorney's cheerful greeting with a gruff "mornin'," "I jest dropped up,sort of friendly-like, thinkin' you might have nothin' to do, an' mightlike to sit an' chin a while. You don't charge nothin' for sittin' an'chinnin' do ye?"

  Toole said he did not.

  "I didn't figger you did," said the Colonel. "If I'd thought you did Iwouldn't have dropped up, for I ain't got no money to spend on lawyers.I'd sooner throw money away than spend it at law. But I figgered you wasyoung at the law yet, and didn't have much to do at it, and I sort ofrun across a case I thought might amuse you, like, when you ain't gotnothin' to do. Folks don't seem to have much faith in young lawyers, andyou can't blame 'em; old ones don't know much. All any of 'em care foris to get people into trouble so they can charge 'em fees to get 'em outof it. So I thought mebby you'd like to hear of this case so you couldkind of mull it over in your mind whilst you're loafin' up here."

  "That was kind of you," said Toole.

  "I always like to do a good turn when I can," said the Colonel, "whenit don't cost nothin'. An' this case I was tellin' you about is a mightygood one for a young lawyer to study over. Soon as I heard of it I saysto myself 'I'll tell this case to Attorney Toole, an' he'll be gratefulto hear of it.'"

  The country client usually begins in some such way as this, anxious toget all the advice he can without having to pay for it, and Toole merelysmiled.

  "Mebby you know," said the Colonel, "that there was a feller took boardof Sally Briggs a while back; feller by the name of William Rossiter,that come through here peddlin' lightnin' rods and pain killer and landknows what all. Well, he was a rascal. He took board off of Sally Briggsfour weeks, and then he cleared out, and she nor no one else has seenhide nor hair of him since, and he never paid her one cent. All heever let on was to leave this letter stickin' on the pin cushion in hisbedroom."

  The Colonel dug the letter out of his vest pocket, and Toole read it. Itwas short:

  Dear Miss Briggs: I'm off. Good-by. Business in Kilo is no good. Sorry Ican't square up, but I leave you the box in my room in part payment. W.R.

  "Prosecution's exhibit No. 1," said the attorney.

  "Jest what I was tellin' Miss Sally," said the Colonel. "I says to herto keep that paper, and it might come handy. Mebby you heard that me andMiss Sally was what you might call keepin' company?"

  "That's interesting," said Toole. "Been keeping it long?"

  "Quite some consid'able time," said the Colonel. "Long enough, landknows, and we'd a-been done with it by this time and married, if thatSkinner hadn't come crowdin' in where he wasn't wanted. What right hasa man like him to come pushin' in like that? His wife ain't been deadtwelve months yet. It ain't decent of him, is it?"

  "Do you want a legal opinion?" asked Toole, reaching for a large lawbook that lay on the table.

  "No, I don't!" cried the Colonel in alarm; "I don't want to run up nocharges. I don't care whether it's legal or not, it ain't friendly,after him and me has worked together buildin' up this Citizens' Party,and all. What does he mean, sendin' Miss Sally porterhouses, when sheonly orders flank steak, like he was wrappin' up love and affection intoevery steak? He's got mighty proud since he set out to build that thereKilo Opery House of his. He's a fool to spend money on an opery house inthis town. He's a beefy, puffy old money bag, he is. He needn't tell MEhe expects to get even on what he spent on that Opery House Block outof what he'll make on it; he just built it to make a show, so some dumbidiot like Sally Briggs would think he amounted to more than others, andmarry him."

  The Colonel brought down his hand with a bang on the attorney's table.

  "What kind of an idiot did you call Miss Briggs?" asked Toolepleasantly.

  "I didn't call her no kind!" declared the Colonel. "All I say is, I'vebeen married once already, and I know how women are. And I know Skinner.He's lookin' for to pay for that opery house with Pap Brigg's money thathe'll git if he marries Sally. But he won't git it! I'm a-goin' to----"He was going to say he was going to get it, but he caught himself intime, and substituted "I'm a-goin' to see to that."

  "I see," said Toole, "and you want to retain me as your attorney in caseyou have to sue for breach of promise?"

  The Colonel scowled.

  "I don't want to retain, and I don't want to sue, and I don't want nofees to pay. You get that clear in your mind. If I did, I'd go to alawyer that had some experience. I jest dropped up----"

  "Well, any time you wish, you can just drop down again, Colonel," saidToole, but not ill-naturedly.

  "Now, don't git that way," said the Colonel. "I jest dropped up to doyou a favor, and you git mad about it! I don't call that friendly. Ifyou was to do me a favor I wouldn't git mad."

  "Go ahead with the favor, then," said Toole, leaning back in his chairand putting his feet on his table.

  "Miss Sally," said the Colonel, "she told me all about this fellerRossiter, an' what he said, an' what she said, an' how he come to go toher house for board, an' how he skipped off, an' she showed me thenote he left on the pin cushion, an' then she come down to business.'Colonel,' she says, 'have I a right to take an' keep that box? Have Ia right to open it? Is it mine by law? If I open it can he come back an'sue me, or anything?'

  "'Can he?' says I. 'That's the question. Can he?'

  "'It'
s a large box,' says Miss Sally.

  "'A large box, hey?' says I. 'Of course if it was a small box, MissSally--but it is a large box! How large?'

  "'Quite large,' she says. 'About medium large. Not too large. Besidesanything very large it would be small, but beside anything very small itwould be large.'

  "I nodded my head to her, to let her see I knew what she was tryin' tosay. 'Medium large,' I says, 'yes, I know just about how big you mean,but what I'd like to know is, is it heavy?'

  "'Medium,' she says, 'just medium heavy.'

  "Well, there she was! A medium heavy, medium-sized box. If it had beena little bit of a light-weight box I'd 'a' told her to open it and keepit, for there couldn't have been much in it; and if it had been a bigheavy box I'd have told her she'd better leave it alone; for therewouldn't be any tellin' whether she had any right to open a box likethat one might have turned out to be. I didn't know how the law stood onthat kind of a box. But it was medium-sized, and I didn't know WHAT tosay.

  "'Miss Sally,' I says, 'I'd like to help you out on this. Any time I cangive you any advice on anything, I'm glad to, but I don't know what tosay about a box that is medium size and medium heavy. You'd ought to getthe law on that subject before you touch that box. Don't you touch thatbox. Don't you open it unless there's a law officer standin' by to seeyou do it.'

  "She seen that was good advice," continued the Colonel, "and I sat thereright in her parlor and thought it over. 'Miss Sally,' I says, after Ihad thought all I could about it, 'I believe Attorney Toole would tellyou what to do about that box. There ain't nothin' a lawyer needs morethan to be popular, and there ain't no way to git popular quicker thanby doin' little favors, an' he ought to be glad to do a favor for you,for you're almost an orphan. Your ma's dead, an' Pap Briggs ain't overlystrong, an' you're liable to be an orphan almost any minute. I can tellby the looks of Attorney Toole,' I says, 'that he's got a good heart,and if you say the word I'll ask him what he says to do about that box.'She seemed sort of put out at what I'd said about orphans, but I seenshe was willing to have me ask you about that box, and I seen it wouldbe doin' you a favor, too, to tell you about it, so you could sort ofexercise your mind on it, so I jest dropped up----"

  "Colonel," said Toole, "this is a very serious case." He put his handover his mouth to hide the smile he could not prevent from coming to hislips.

  "You don't mean to tell me!" exclaimed the Colonel. "I was afraid theremight be somethin' wrong about it somewheres. But I ain't goin' to go tono expense about it. It ain't my box----"

  "I would not take a case like this for money," said the attorney,turning suddenly and facing the Colonel with a seriousness thatfrightened that cautious soul. "I would not take a case involving amedium-sized, medium-heavy box; a box left for board by a man from partsunknown, now departed to parts unknown; a box that may contain stolenproperty; I would not take such a case for money, Colonel. But I'llundertake it for friendship. For friendship only. You ARE my friend,aren't you, Colonel?"

  "Surely! Surely!" exclaimed the Colonel eagerly.

  "A medium-sized box," said Toole, turning his head to hide his smile,"should be opened only in the presence of an attorney-at-law. That islegal advice and worth five dollars, but I charge you nothing for it,you being my friend. Consider it a gift from me to you."

  "I'm much obliged," said the Colonel gruffly.

  "And now," said the attorney briskly, "for the MODUS OPERANDI, as welawyers say. Has the client, the lady in the case, a hatchet?"

  The Colonel thought.

  "I ain't right sure," he said at length, after he had searched hisbrain; "seems like she ought to have, but I've got one, an' I'll loan itto her."

  "Good!" exclaimed Toole briskly. "That is better yet. A medium-sized boxleft by a transient in payment of default of a board bill shouldalways be opened, if possible, with a hatchet not the property of theplaintiff. Chitty says that. It was so ruled in the case of MUGGINS vs.MUGGINS."

  He took from his desk a bulky volume, and ran over the pages rapidly.

  "Box," he said, "small box-medium box. Here it is. Humph!"

  The Colonel leaned over the book, but the attorney closed it quickly.

  "Bring an ax," he said. "A hatchet would do, but an ax is more legal.Hatchets for small boxes, axes for medium boxes. There is a later casethan MUGGINS vs. MUGGINS."

  "I'll fetch the ax," agreed the Colonel.

  "Can you be at the house in half an hour?" asked the attorney.

  The Colonel could.

  "You're right sure there ain't goin' to be no charges to this?" he askedanxiously, and when the attorney had once more assured him there wouldbe none, he picked his hat from the floor and shuffled into the hall anddown the stairs.