Just Like Heaven

by T L Bradford

  There in front of me is a large wooden cross. Hanging from the cross is Josh, only he is barely recognizable. His arms have been stretched out and bound to the cross by ropes. His feet are bound and tied to the base. If it wasn’t for the blond highlights, now streaked with blood and matter, I might not be able to identify him. What I see is a bruised purple mass affixed to the pole. Blood drains copiously from his nose and mouth to the ground. His head hangs low.

  I rush up to touch his face to see if he is still alive. What greets me is a horrific site. Josh’s face has swollen to 3 times its normal size. He has multiple lacerations on his face and missing teeth. But by far, the worst injury is the pulpy mess that exists as his eye.

  I hear high pitched screaming and moaning. I can’t tell where it’s coming from. Someone grabs my shoulders and shakes me hard. I can’t hear what they are trying to say to me over the screams. They keep telling me I have to calm down. My eyes drift back to Josh, but they bring my head back around and slap me hard in the face. The screaming stops. It was me.

  When my eyes re-focus, it’s Mrs. Jennings from across the street who is holding my face in her hands. I can’t make out the words she’s saying. It all sounds garbled. She makes me sit down on the ground, then she takes out her cell phone, and she makes a call.

  What seems like mere minutes later, I see lights and hear sirens around the house. There’s a horde of people in uniforms on the back porch. Mrs. Jennings is sitting next to me, holding my head. It’s necessary because I am unable to sit up on my own. My entire body has gone numb. The scene is so surreal I feel my mind slipping away. I step outside of myself to deal with what is happening.

  I’m asked a question I do not understand, but Mrs. Jennings grabs my arm and pushes me toward an ambulance. I take a seat near the front. Two EMT’s come in after, carrying a stretcher. It’s Josh on the stretcher. My initial reaction is to run and get as far away from him as possible. Seeing him makes it real and I don’t want this to be real.

  One of the EMT’s applies a defibrillator to Josh’s chest. There is no response, only the flat hum of the machine. They try again, and the faint beat of a pulse can be heard.

  They administer all types of injections and apply bandages to him. There is blood everywhere. I cannot even see his face, or what’s left of it, anyway. We drive for about five minutes when the heart monitor goes off again. He flat lines. They charge up the machine again to shock his heart. The monitor comes back to life.

  We make it to the Emergency Room, and Josh is whisked away from me down a hall. I stand there, lost, and confused. Minutes later, Mrs. Jennings is by my side again. She tells me to take a seat. I do, not knowing what else to do. She comes back a minute later with a clipboard and some paperwork. She begins filling it out as best she can. I sit there unmoving and in shock.

  A little while later, a nurse comes out and asks for family members of Josh. “He’s his cousin,” I hear Mrs. Jennings say.

  “Come with me.” I’m terrified to go with her. I think she will tell me the thing I don’t want to hear, so I stay sitting still.

  “It’s fine, she can come with you,” she says, indicating Mrs. Jennings.

  We both make our way to another room in the back where she talks to us. I only hear bits and pieces of what she says.

  “Multiple contusions…lacerations…cardiac arrest…retinal detachment.” There are too many words for me to cope with. My mind shuts down and goes to that familiar place I would escape to in my mind during my childhood when I received my beatings. I’m only vaguely aware of someone else beside me, holding my arm tight.

  I know I need to call someone, but at the moment I can’t make my fingers dial. I feel a vibration on my phone. It’s a text from Gemma.

  8:50 pm

  What’s going on? I saw something on the news about an accident at your house. Are you okay? - Gemma

  8:55 pm

  Where are you? -Gemma

  8:59 pm

  Where’s Josh? They’re saying something might be wrong with him. - Gemma

  9:03 pm

  Oh my god, Noah! Please answer me. Tell me where you are. - Gemma

  I can’t answer her. I have no idea where I am. Mrs. Jennings takes my phone and starts typing a reply back. Then she covers my hands with hers.

  “I told her where you are. I remember her. She was such a nice girl.” I say nothing in reply, unable to form words.

  I have no idea how much time passes before familiar faces start to show up. First, are Gemma and Ash, then Sarita and Olive and lastly, Kai. We are all sitting in a quiet room for visitors of ICU patients. I hear whimpers and cries from everyone in the room. I see the strange sight of Ash comforting Sarita who is crying uncontrollably.

  Gemma took my phone to call Josh’s family. I’m so useless; I’m incapable of making the call. Instead, I sit there, like a wooden statue. I’m not even able to cry; I am so numb.

  Kai comes over to sit on my other side. He takes hold of my hand and squeezes.

  “I’m a poor substitute I know, but I’m right here for you,” his words sound distant and hollow. I only turn my head toward him.

  A doctor comes in the room to give us an update on his condition. After he speaks, Gemma comes over to me and places her hands on the sides of my face. “Listen to me Noah, this is important, you have to come back to us, okay? Josh needs you. We need you. He’s struggling sweetheart and may not make it. I have talked to his family. They are on their way here.”

  She sounds like she’s miles away. Someone gets a blanket and puts it around my shoulders. I’m not sleepy. I sit up and continue rocking in my seat, cozy in my mental hideaway.

  Josh was in surgery for hours. I never slept. I’m the only one awake when the surgeon comes into the room.

  She tells us that Josh is in very critical condition. He survived the initial surgery but is far from out of the woods. He is being heavily monitored and is stable for the moment.

  Not long after the surgeon leaves, Josh’s family arrives. Gemma takes them to the side and talks to them. She points over to me, no doubt briefing them on my mental excursion. Chloe comes over to sit with me and takes my hand. She doesn’t say anything, only squeezes. I can only look at her. I wish I could say something, comfort her in some way, but it doesn’t happen. I stare into the void.

  In an effort to break my trance, Josh’s family permits me to visit him in the ICU. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to see him like that. It’s so cowardly of me.

  Barely two months ago, Josh was in the same position as me right now. He was there for me. He was so strong. Even when he was scared, it’s this thought that moves me from the chair I’d sat in since I arrived.

  I am given a visitor pass, and I move slowly down the hall toward Josh. The room is dark.

  “He will not be able to speak with you, unfortunately; we have had to put him in a medically induced coma to help him cope with the pain.”

  She ushers me in and closes the door behind her. I turn around and see a form in the bed. I approach him slowly. Some of the swelling in his face has gone down, and the blood has been removed. He has a large patch over his right eye. There is blood seeping through it. His left arm is in a cast. His entire torso is wrapped in bandages.

  Purple and black bruises overlay every inch of his skin.

  I reach over to take his right hand. It feels cold.

  Finally, able to speak, all I can think to say is “It’s my fault. I’m so sorry. I’m always sorry.”

  Throughout the day, people filter in and out of his room. I stay nestled in a chair in the back corner the whole while. I see and hear everything happening, but I’m far, far away.

  Gemma comes up to me at one point. “Noah? Noah, are you there? I’m worried about you. You have to eat something. Here, I brought you some juice.” Her face looks pained and concerned. Getting no reaction, she leaves the juice by my side and goes back to sit with Josh.

  I hear parts of her conversation with Ash about me.
“What do we do? We can’t just leave him here. He doesn’t even know what’s going on.”

  “You said his parents are on their way, right?”

  “Yes, I called them. I told her he’d had some mental breakdown and I have no idea what to do! He’s had panic attacks before, but never anything like this, Ash.”

  Ash leans over and holds Gemma tight to his chest as she cries. I should be the one holding her, telling her everything will be okay. But I don’t.

  That afternoon, Josh flat lines again. Cardiac arrest. It appears to happen in slow motion. The hospital crew comes running into the room; they shout orders and bring in a machine to revive him. The first attempt fails. They try again. The second attempt fails. Surely, the third try will succeed? No.

  The world goes hazy again as I drift in and out, unable to cope with the scene before me. Before I leave, I hear a small beep. He’s holding on. It’s unstable, but there is a heartbeat. Very weak.

  My mind takes an extended leave after hearing Josh’s family say their final goodbyes in case he does not pull through. The doctors are suggesting I be removed from the room for medical and psychiatric attention. The only words that are clear to me are a catatonic state. Chloe says no, she thinks I’m better off near Josh.

  I don’t come back to myself until I hear the voice of my mother. She is the only one able to break me out of my trance.

  “I know you can hear me, Noah. This is your mother. For the last time, goddammit this family needs you!” She looks broken down and aged. How long has it been? When did she get here? I’ve lost all concept of time.

  “Ma?”

  “Oh my god, Noah! You came back! Baby, oh my god.”

  My mother grips me tight. My arms are like heavyweights. I’m unable to lift them. She keeps talking to me shouting words, most of which are incomprehensible to me. She jumps up and runs outside to find someone.

  I walk over to Josh’s bed and hover over him. He looks peaceful in sleep. Aside from the cuts on his face and a bandage on his eye, he looks like Josh again. The swelling has gone down. It must have been days past…

  I kiss his forehead. “I’ll be back,” I tell him. Then I slip out the door, down the elevator and into a cab.

  The house has been cleaned up when I arrive home. The cross was removed, and the blood washed away. The food in the kitchen has been put away, and the casserole tossed. The only remnants are yellow police tape surrounding the backyard.

  I check my phone to find out what day and time it is. Six days have passed since the incident. It feels like it just happened yesterday. I hardly remember eating or sleeping. It’s a complete blank. I’ve let everyone down. I was weak.

  The last thing I want is to be in this house. Everywhere I turn, I see a piece of Josh. I walk over to the fridge to get bottled water. I see what was left of the meal he attempted to make for me. It looks terrible. Despite myself, I grin inwardly. Typical. He tries so hard, just for me. I take it out anyway and heat some of the risotto. It’s the first thing I can remember eating in days. It’s perfectly awful.

  I look around the house trying to figure out the first thing I should do. I smell like shit, so a shower is first on the list. I enter our room and see the rumpled sheets, still unmoved from our lovemaking. I can see him lying there on his stomach, pillow clenched to his chest, floating in the mess of the fluffy white duvet, his one eye sheepishly looking over the sheets at me…

  I tense with the vision, then quickly go to get a towel out of the closet. I stand under the rainfall cascade showerhead and let the stress of the days wash away from me down the drain. Every time I close my eyes, I see him. I have to focus my thoughts away from him. I have things to do. That won’t be so easy, though. As I walk out of the shower, directly in front of me is a message on the mirror. It’s a giant heart with the words Josh loves Noah in the center written in his handwriting.

  I drop to my knees, feeling like my heart exploded in my chest. It starts low and deep, then builds to a crescendo. My grief rips through me like a volcanic eruption. All the pain, confusion and ache from the past week comes rising through my body, shaking me to my foundation. The sounds coming from me are foreign. I’m howling like a wounded animal on my bathroom floor. I wail, so long and so loud my body physically pains like I too have been beaten.

  It’s my fault. I knew the consequences, but I wanted him anyway. I couldn’t protect him. I wasn’t strong. I was warned. I never told him. He had no idea what was coming.

  Sometime later, someone picks me up from the floor and drags me over to the bed. They have to help me walk. I roll onto the sheets that still smell of him and let loose anew. A strong, solid body holds me and keeps telling me to let it out. I do. When there are no more tears to cry, and I am spent, I fall asleep on the bed gripping his pillow as if it was his body.

  I crashed the rest of that day and did not wake up until the following afternoon. When I walk downstairs, I hear faint voices in the kitchen. As I walk in, I see it’s Kai and Jacob sitting at the kitchen island.

  “Noah, it’s good to see you up,” says Kai.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “We came here yesterday after you took off from the hospital. We were worried about you.”

  “You shouldn’t have come here.”

  “We’re here because we’re afraid you may try to harm yourself.”

  “You can leave now.”

  “No, we’re not going to do that,” Jacob says.

  Sensing the futility of this argument, I walk over to the cabinet and get a mug down to pour some coffee. I sit down at the island and sip slowly.

  “I know who’s responsible,” I say. They both stop to stare at each other, then turn to me.

  “The police are investigating. They’re saying it was a home invasion. They’ve arrested three assailants already,” Jacob says.

  “Did they say who they were?” I ask.

  “Some crazy cult followers,” Kai says.

  “Did they release their names?”

  “I think so, here, let me bring it up on my phone.”

  I scan the names, but none of them look familiar. None of the faces look familiar either.

  “This isn’t right.”

  “What is it? What’s going on?” Jacob asks me with a worried look on his face.

  “He’s not here. They didn’t arrest him.”

  “Who?” Kai says.

  “Tobias.”

  Jacob sputters on his coffee. “How do you know it was him?”

  “He threatened us a while back and that he would harm us if he found out we were involved. The night he was attacked, I got a text on my phone with a twisted biblical verse.”

  “What the hell is going on?” Kai asks.

  Jacob says, “Tobias and his family were all part of a religious fundamentalist church. They followed the bible to the word. Members of the church have been known to act out against others when they find anything that conflicts with their beliefs. It was one of the primary reasons I had to end my friendship with him years ago. I couldn’t take the hypocrisy anymore.”

  “So, you think your father did this to Josh?” Kai asks me.

  “I know he did.”

  “What are we doing here, then? We need to alert the authorities,” Kai says.

  “It’s useless. He has law enforcement in his back pocket.” Jacob nods his head in agreement.

  “What are we going to do?”

  “Leave that to me.”

  A man like Tobias Sinclair cannot be intimidated. He can only be confronted. He is never one to cower or hide; his ego won’t permit it. It is because of his remarkable hubris that I will take this fight directly to him.

  5:05 pm

  It was you.–Noah

  5:07 pm

  It was me.–202-797-1984

  5:09 pm

  Where and when can we meet?–Noah

  5:12 pm

  8:00pm - 8270 Brookside Dr.–202-797-1984

  5:13 pm

  I’ll
be there.–Noah

  5:14 pm

  I knew you would.–202-797-1984

  I have every reason to believe I could be walking directly into a trap of some sort. This doesn’t matter to me. All I need are eyes on him.

  Kai and Jacob have designated themselves my watchers, afraid I’ll go off the rails again. I have to tell them I’m taking a nap to get them off of my back. I sit upstairs, reviewing my plan until it’s time to go. Later, I slip into the living room and go to get my keys, but before I can get out the front door, I’m stopped by a voice coming from the kitchen.

  “Where are you going, Noah?”

  “How the hell did you even hear me?” Jacob’s voice startled the hell out of me.

  “I didn’t, we low-jacked your phone when you were asleep using your thumbprint. We put a tracker on it to go off if you decided to jet again.” His brow is furrowed with apprehension.

  Agitated and wanting to get out of here, I say, “Look, I have to take care of business. I’ll be back later.” I have no idea whether this will be true.

  Jacob leaves the kitchen and comes to stand before me. He’s troubled and worried about me, but this is something I have to do. I won’t let him deter me.

  “This is hard on you, and you are hurting, but you can’t run off, do something crazy and get yourself killed. That would destroy your mother and me as well. I can’t let you do it.”

  “You can’t stop me.”

  “I have your keys. Tell me where you’re going.”

  Shit, I don’t have time for this, so I have to tell him. “I’m going after Tobias. Give them to me, Jacob; this isn’t your business! This is mine, and I have to end this!”

  “First of all, this is my business. You are my son. You always will be. It’s my job to protect you! You can’t go running off into the night and risk everything and everyone who cares about you. You don’t even know for sure he is responsible!”

  “Yes, I do. And yes, he did. He even admitted it.” I say deep and dark. I unlock my phone and show him the text.

  His face pales, then he looks up at me. “No, that’s not possible; how could he do something so malicious?”

  “He’s an evil man.”