Not Just a Number: A Young Adult Contemporary Novel

by Sara Michaels

  It would help to have a fresh start, though.

  I turned left out of the office and was sure to keep my pace at a slow walk, heeding Theresa’s ongoing insistence that I not do any serious exercise until my body had fully healed.

  The air was filled with the late afternoon sounds of Brooklyn. Cabbies honked at each other to squeeze into traffic, and every shop that I passed added a new conversation to the mix. My mouth watered as I passed an Italian restaurant and got a whiff of garlic, and I thought that was a good sign. Maybe I could try some pizza soon. People dressed in business suits rushed between late afternoon appointments, their heeled shoes clicking on the concrete sidewalks.

  I would miss the buzz of this place. We did not often come into town, but when we did, my mom, sister, and I always made a day of it. I could not remember the last time we had all been there together, though, other than when Jen had chosen her wedding dress many months before. That afternoon, we had finished off with a meal at a nearby Mexican restaurant.

  Even then, I could remember being difficult about what I ate. I briefly wondered how long this had really been going on with me before it had become entrenched. My breakup with Brandon had been the major trigger, but, if I was honest, these ideas had been forming in my head long before that.

  The dress shop was easy to spot, with life-size mannequins in the window wearing bridal gowns. I hoped Jen wouldn’t see something that she liked more than the dress she had already bought. That would be a dilemma!

  I stood just left of the window for a moment before going in. I took a deep breath and tried to steady my nerves. I needed to be smart and calm about this. I was glad that I had just finished a session with Theresa before going into this because I always felt really calm and in control after one of our sessions.

  These fittings were another major trigger for me. Trying on dresses in front of other people had pushed me over the edge last time. It had been a clear delineation between before and after, and I did not want that to happen again.

  I did not have much time to prepare myself though, because as I approached, the door swung inward, and an attractive older woman greeted me. “You must be Abigail.” She smiled widely, and I was taken aback.

  “Um, yes, hello.”

  The woman laughed at my surprise and pointed to a booth in the corner. “Your sister told me you were on your way.”

  Upon hearing my voice, Jennifer peered around the booth. “Hey, Abby!” She waved me over.

  I had no idea whether my welcome was planned or spontaneous, but both Jasmine and Taylor excitedly hugged me and told me how great I looked. I looked at Jen and briefly wondered if she had encouraged them to make me feel good about myself. Annoyance pricked at me, but I decided to let it slide. Maybe I should just take the compliments and go with it without questioning everything for a change. That would take a lot less energy.

  We all chatted for a little while, and then the shop assistant approached. “Are we ready to start trying on some dresses?”

  Jennifer jumped up, and I immediately recognized that she had a plan. She developed a very specific take-charge body posture when she was about to execute a well-thought-out strategy, and I watched with interest. Now that I thought about it, it was very similar to how Mom had looked when she was implementing her eating at the table plan.

  I wondered if she realized that she did that.

  “Yes, we are, but I would like to do this very specifically to save us all time and hassle.” The assistant listened with interest. “So, as you can see, in our group we have a pear shape, an apple shape, and an athletic figure. Please only bring us dresses that will work for all three of the bridesmaids.” She finished it off with a kind smile so that she did not come across as too pushy.

  The assistant seemed impressed with the knowledge and planning that Jen had put into the shopping trip. If only she knew that knowledge was hard come by, I thought with a wry smile.

  Jen and the assistant briefly chatted about the color scheme for the wedding, and then Jen pulled out her phone and slid to a social media photograph of her in the prom dress. “We would like to see something in this style for Abby, please.”

  Instructions in hand, the assistant scuttled off, and we chatted about other wedding stuff, and also things that Taylor and Jasmine had been up to. Within about ten minutes, the assistant wheeled a mobile clothes rack in our direction. It seemed much more structured than the one we had been given at the other shop, and I thought this probably had a lot to do with Jen’s very precise instructions.

  I immediately spotted a matte silver and turquoise dress that was very similar in style to the prom dress. My heart sank as it seemed to be in far too small a size for me. Thankfully she started on the opposite end, and I saw that all the dresses were grouped in sets. The styles, colors, and materials were very similar in each set, but each dress had distinct differences that I figured must tailor them to the three body shapes we represented.

  Now this was progress, I thought.

  Jennifer had already said that there was no way she was going to force all of us to wear identical dresses as inevitably someone was going to be unhappy, so instead we could look at sets that had similar design principles so that you could see they were meant to go together but weren’t necessarily identical. It made complete sense.

  I was actually shaking when I took the first dress into the dressing room. It was pretty, but I thought it looked a little old for me. The top was dense lace with mid-length sleeves, and from there the skirt hooped out ever so slightly and ended around mid-calf. I struggled with the top, but eventually got it on. It did not look absolutely terrible, but it certainly did not rock my world, either.

  I stepped out of the dressing room and Jen smiled at me. “You look so grown up!” she said. Jasmine and Taylor also emerged from their fitting rooms. The consistency in the set was the dense lace, which was a nice touch, but we all agreed that even though the dresses suited our figures, they were perhaps for an older group of bridesmaids.

  The second dress I tried was strapless, and I literally had to hold it up the whole time that I was in it. I knew that if I stuck to my eating plan, I could probably fill it out by the wedding, but we decided that it was not worth the risk. I could not imagine spending my sister’s entire wedding holding my dress up.

  Jasmine was quite taken with the dress she had tried on from this set, and Jen said to set it aside. Maybe we didn’t need a set after all, as long as the colors were similar.

  Finally, the dress that had caught my eye was placed in my hands. I held it out at arm’s length and looked at it. It really was beautiful, and my stomach started to whip up in knots. I really wanted this to be the one. The matte silver was perfectly set off with little swirls of embroidered turquoise on the bodice. The skirt was plain and the waistband also matte silver, but in a chiffon that set it apart from the rest of the silky material on the dress.

  I looked up to see Jen studying my face. “It’s gorgeous.”

  I nodded and wished that I could stand there forever just looking at it and not have to put it on at all, so that it could remain gorgeous. It still looked really small, and I was very sure that I was not going to be able to fit into it.

  Jasmine and Taylor had already taken their third options into the dressing rooms, and I followed suit slowly, careful not to let my growing bad energy come through in my body language. I stood looking at the dress on the hanger for a few minutes before pulling off my clothes. It was unavoidable; I had to do it. I expected the material to snag on my shoulders and hips, but it didn’t. It dropped straight down, and one sleeve even slid off my shoulder.

  I looked down at myself and thought it might look okay, but only the mirror would tell.

  I was grateful that when I reentered the sales area, the others were distracted with Taylor’s dress. She seemed to have found the one she liked, and Jasmine was holding up the one she had kept from the previous set to see if they would go well together. They did.

  Whi
le they were distracted, I moved in front of the closest mirror. I still struggled to look at myself head-on in the mirror, but eventually after squinting and pulling ridiculous faces so that I didn’t get an immediate full on view of myself, I opened my eyes and looked. The dress was spectacular, and I immediately knew that it was the one. My judgmental voice started in about how I was not exactly good enough for the dress, but I shushed it, partially out loud which made another patron in the store look at me.

  This time, I was not going to be my own worst enemy.

  I looked at myself in the mirror and focused on using my rational mind to assess my appearance. I had to admit that I had thought this dress was going to be too small for me. When I had put it on, though, it was actually too big, meaning that my perception of myself was skewed. I had to admit that I was a healthy weight and shape, and only my non-rational mind could question that.

  “Abby!” Jen squealed from across the room, causing half the shop to turn around and look at us. She had just noticed that I had come out of the fitting room. “It’s perfect!”

  I turned to her with a big smile on my face. “It is.” I had no choice but to agree, and this time I actually meant it.

  Jasmine got changed back into the dress she had liked from the previous round and we all stood together, huddling in close so that we could all see ourselves in the same mirror. Our dresses suited our figures perfectly, and they were far from identical, but they looked perfect side by side. The best part was that they reflected each woman’s own uniqueness.

  Jen stood next to the sales assistant taking in all three of us, and I could see tears glistening in her eyes. “You all look amazing.”

  The sales assistant agreed.

  We posed in our dresses for a little longer, and Jen took a photo of me in mine to show Mom. Then we all reluctantly changed back into our normal clothes.

  The relief of having found a dress that I really liked and not completely hating how I looked in it was immense. The dress fitting had gone so much better than the last one. Jen was positively glowing with happiness, and I knew this took a lot off her shoulders. She had so many things to do for this wedding and the bridesmaid dresses was a pretty major one, so I knew she must be relieved to be able to tick this off the list. I was glad to be able to leave this fitting with a great sense of achievement and a happy sister rather than the unhappiness that had permeated the air last time.

  It had not been an easy day at all and there had been many moments when I had felt like walking out, but I was proud that I had managed to control myself and recognized when I was having unrealistic reactions and views of things. I had been able to push down my anorexic views and promote my rational views of myself. Today was a win.

  I had come a long way, and now I had a dress for my sister’s wedding and a dress for my prom.

  18

  I had waited right up until the last minute to tell my mom and sister that Ryan and I were going to the prom together. It was literally the morning of the prom, and I had just broached the topic. I didn’t know why I had waited so long, but I had, and now I had to get it out there. I could not exactly let Ryan break this news too.

  “So...” I dragged the syllable out so they would know something pretty important was coming and switch topics from their bacon to my words. We were having breakfast together. Mom had been worried that I would be too nervous to eat lunch, so we had waited a bit later in the morning, and she had cooked up an enormous breakfast. “Ryan and I are kind of going to prom together tonight.”

  Jen’s brow furrowed. “Like you, Ryan, and Kya?”

  I smiled at her incorrect assumption. “Well, we will be meeting Kya there, but Ryan and I are going together-together.”

  My mom gasped. “Abby, that is fantastic!” I’d had no doubt that Mom would be over the moon. She loved Ryan. “He has just been so supportive and amazing in this last while. You have really made a good choice.”

  Technically, he had made the choice, and I had agreed, but I would let that slide for now.

  Jennifer was a little gobsmacked, but also pleased. She eventually managed to speak. “I had no idea that you guys felt that way about each other,” she said, clearly as confused as I had been the day that Kya had first asked me if I could ever feel more for Ryan than just friendship.

  I smiled. “Me neither.” I briefly explained how we had sort of stumbled upon our feelings for one another. I still did not know how long Ryan had felt this way about me, but I was starting to discover that my love for him may not have been only on a friend level for longer than I had thought. I had spent a lot of time trying to analyze everything and figure out exactly when our feelings had changed, but I had almost driven myself crazy and eventually decided that it actually didn’t matter.

  I was super excited to be going to the prom with Ryan, but I was also really nervous. This would be the first time that we went anywhere together in a context other than friends, and I really hoped it would not be awkward.

  Mom, Jen, and I had agreed that we would leave the final fitting of my dress to the day of the prom to give me as much time as possible to fill it out. As I tried to finish the mountain of bacon and the sausage that had been dished up for me, I thought that after this breakfast I could probably more than fill out the dress. Mom had amazing hand-stitching skills that she had displayed and used to save the day on many occasions throughout the years, so we knew that if my dress needed some taking in, she could do it without a problem.

  Over breakfast, I decided to broach a question I had wanted to know the answer to for a while. “Hey, Mom.” I cut into my sausage, and she looked up at me. “So how are you feeling about both of us leaving the house at the same time?” I gestured to Jen and myself. “It’s obviously weird timing with Jen getting married and moving out and me going to college all at once.” I left it hanging in the air just like that so that she could respond in the vein that suited her.

  She looked surprised that I had asked. “That’s really mature of you to think about how that would affect me, Abby.” She looked a bit shocked, but I felt better when Jen suddenly confessed to not having thought of that either.

  “Oh, yeah,” Jen said. “Wow, Abby, I did not even think about that.” She looked at Mom. “How are you feeling about that, Mom?”

  Mom took her time chewing on a bite of toast, likely trying to figure out the best response that would not make either of us feel bad for moving on with our lives. “It is a bit scary for me. I won’t lie.” She gave a nervous laugh. It was probably the first time that I had seen Mom in a vulnerable position. “I’m going to go from a full house to an empty nest pretty much overnight, so it’s definitely going to be a challenge in the beginning.”

  I was grateful that she was being honest and not just saying something to make us feel better.

  “Have you thought about what you are going to do with all the time you will have on your hands? Any hobbies in mind?” I was working my way up to the question I really wanted to ask, but Mom laughed at my hobbies question.

  “Well, you know my entire life doesn’t revolve only around you girls at the moment! I do have other interests.”

  “Oh yeah? Like what?” I asked with a cheeky grin. She started to answer, and I interrupted with my finger in the air. “And work doesn’t count!” We all laughed at that, and Mom relented.

  “Okay, I am probably going to have a lot more time to myself, so maybe I’ll have to join a few clubs or get involved in some activities. But I really would like to just sleep in for a week. Can I do that?” It sounded like she might not mind this living alone thing after all.

  “And what about adding a little spice to your life?” I said teasingly. “Remember that Little League coach you used to date, but broke up with because you said you didn’t have time for a relationship?” Mom’s face reddened. “Well, you are going to have all the time in the world now.”

  She laughed. “Oh, heck, I don’t know about that. I’ve been single for so long that I don’t know if I
could actually share my life with anyone else in that context again.”

  “You have to try, Mom. We want to see you happy too, you know,” Jen said, and Mom smiled.

  “I will try, girls, I promise.”

  I had finally finished my mountainous breakfast. “We will hold you to that!” I said smiling.

  “Mmmm…just give me a few months to adjust before you start hammering on me, please.” We agreed we would, as long as she didn’t replace all of her time with more work and actually started enjoying her time alone. “I will always be your mom, you know,” she said with a wink. “And anyway, Jen is going to give me grandbabies soon, so I won’t have that much time on my hands.

  “Oh, hell no!” Jen shouted, and we all dissolved in laughter. We cleared up the plates together and then Mom chased me upstairs to try my dress on, reminding me that she still needed to do the alterations.

  Despite knowing the dress looked good and that I was not busting at the seams when I wore it, I still had a vague sense of trepidation as I went upstairs to try it on.

  Mom had taken it into the dry cleaners the week before, and I briefly wondered if the dry cleaners could have accidentally used the wrong settings and shrunk it. That would be just my luck, I thought.

  Unzipping the dry cleaner’s carrier bag, the sight of the maroon organza and diamantes made my stomach clench with excitement and fear. I was still in my pajamas, which I tossed on the bed, and then I slipped the dress over my head. With a deep breath, I turned and looked in the mirror, the moment of truth upon me.

  The dress fit almost perfectly. The straps were still a tiny bit loose, but I knew Mom could fix that easily. The bodice also gaped slightly on the sides. Other than that, I was ready to admit that I had done a pretty decent job of ‘growing’ into my sister’s prom dress.