Mr. Dooley Says

by Finley Peter Dunne

  GLORY

  "Hogan has been in here this afthernoon, an' I've heerd more scandaltalked thin I iver thought was in the wurrld."

  "Hogan had betther keep quiet," said Mr. Hennessy. "If he goescirculatin' anny stories about me I'll--"

  "Ye needn't worry," said Mr. Dooley. "We didn't condiscend to talk aboutannywan iv ye'er infeeryor station. If ye want to be th' subjick iv ourscand'lous discoorse ye'd betther go out an' make a repytation. No, sir,our talk was entirely about th' gr-reat an' illusthrees an' it ran allth' way fr'm Julius Cayzar to Ulysses Grant.

  "Dear, oh dear, but they were th' bad lot. Thank th' Lord nobody knowsabout me. Thank th' Lord I had th' good sinse to retire f'rm pollytickswhin me repytation had spread as far as Halsted Sthreet. If I'd let itgo a block farther I'd've been sorry f'r it th' rest iv me life an' someyears afther me death.

  "I wanted to be famous in thim days, whin I was young an' foolish. 'Twasth' dhream iv me life to have people say as I wint by: 'There goesDooley, th' gr-reatest statesman iv his age,' an' have thim name babies,sthreets, schools, canal boats, an' five-cent seegars afther me, an'whin I died to have it put in th' books that 'at this critical peeryodin th' history of America there was need iv a man who combined strenthiv charackter with love iv counthry. Such a man was found in MartinDooley, a prom'nent retail liquor dealer in Ar-rchey Road.'

  "That's what I wanted, an' I'm glad I didn't get me wish. If I had, 'tislittle attintion to me charackter that th' books iv what Hogan callsbi-ography wud pay, but a good deal to me debts. Though they mintionedth' fact that I resked death f'r me adopted fatherland, they'd make th'more intherestin' story about th' time I almost met it be fallin' downstairs while runnin' away fr'm a polisman. F'r wan page they'd printabout me love iv counthry, they'd print fifty about me love iv dhrink.

  "Th' things thim gr-reat men done wud give thim a place in Byrnes'sbook. If Julius Caysar was alive to-day he'd be doin' a lockstep down inJoliet. He was a corner loafer in his youth an' a robber in his old age.He busted into churches, fooled ar-round with other men's wives, curledhis hair with a poker an' smelled iv perfumery like a Saturday nightcar. An' his wife was a suspicyous charackter an' he turned her away.

  "Napolyon Bonypart, impror iv th' Fr-rinch, was far too gay aven f'rthim friv'lous people, an' had fits. His first wife was no betther thanshe shud be, an' his second wife didn't care f'r him. Willum Shakespeareis well known as an author of plays that no wan can play, but he wasbetther known as a two-handed dhrinker, a bad actor, an' a thief. Hiswife was a common scold an' led him th' life he desarved. They niverleave th' ladies out iv these stories iv th' gr-reat. A woman thatmarries a janius has a fine chance iv her false hair becomin' moreimmortal thin his gr-reatest deed. It don't make anny difference if allshe knew about her marital hero was that he was a consistent feeder, asleepy husband, an' indulgent to his childher an' sometimes to himsilf,an' that she had to darn his socks. Nearly all th' gr-reat men hadsomething th' matther with their wives. I always thought Mrs. Wash'nton,who was th' wife iv th' father iv our counthry, though childlesshersilf, was about right. She looks good in th' pitchers, with a shawlar-round her neck an' a frilled night-cap on her head. But Hogan saysshe had a tongue sharper thin George's soord, she insulted all hisfrinds, an' she was much older thin him. As f'r George, he was a case. Iwish th' counthry had got itsilf a diff'rent father. A gr-reat moralrellijous counthry like this desarves a betther parent.

  "They were all alike. I think iv Bobby Burns as a man that wrote goodsongs, aven if they were in a bar'brous accint, but Hogan thinks iv himas havin' a load all th' time an' bein' th' scandal iv his parish. Iremimber Andhrew Jackson as th' man that licked th' British at NooOrleans be throwin' cotton bales at thim, but Hogan remimbers him as aman that cudden't spell an' had a wife who smoked a corncob pipe. Iremimber Abraham Lincoln f'r freein' th' slaves, but Hogan remimbers howhe used to cut loose yarns that made th' bartinder shake th' stoveharder thin it needed. I remimber Grant f'r what he done ar-round Shilohwhin he was young, but Hogan remimbers him f'r what he done arr-ound NewYork whin he was old.

  "An' so it goes. Whin a lad with nawthin' else to do starts out to writea bi-ography about a gr-reat man, he don't go to th' war departmint orth' public library. No, sir, he begins to search th' bureau dhrawers,old pigeon-holes, th' records iv th' polis coort, an' th' recollectionsiv th' hired girl. He likes letters betther thin annything else. Hedon't care much f'r th' kind beginning: 'Dear wife, I'm settin' infront iv th' camp fire wearin' th' flannel chest protector ye made me,an' dhreamin' iv ye,' but if he can find wan beginnin': 'Little BrightEyes: Th' old woman has gone to th' counthry,' he's th' happiestbi-ographer ye cud see in a month's thravel.

  "Hogan had wan iv thim books in here th' other day. 'Twas written by afrind, so ye can see it wasn't prejudiced wan way or another. 'At thistime,' says the book, 'an ivint happened that was destined to change th'whole coorse iv our hero's life. Wan day, while in a sthreet car, wherehe lay dozin' fr'm dhrink, he awoke to see a beautiful woman thryin' tofind a nickel in a powder puff. Th' brutal conductor towered over her,an' it was more thin th' Gin'ral cud bear. Risin' to his feet, with anoath, he pulled th' rope iv th' fare register an' fell off th' car.

  "Th' incident made a deep impression on th' Gin'ral. I have no doubt heoften thought iv his beautiful Madonna iv th' throlly, although heniver said so. But wan night as he staggered out iv th' dinin'-room atth' German Ambassadure's, who shud he run acrost but th' fair vision ivth' surface line. She curtsied low an' picked him up, an' there began afrindship so full iv sorrow an' happiness to both iv thim. He seldommintioned her, but wan night he was heard to mutter: 'Her face is likewan iv Rembrand's saints.' A few historyans contind that what he saidwas: 'Her face looks like a remnant sale,' but I cannot believe this.

  "They exchanged brilliant letters fr manny years, in fact ontil th'enchanthress was locked up in an insane asylum. I have not been able tofind anny iv his letters, but her's fell into th' hands iv wan iv hisfaithful servants, who presarved an' published thim. (Love an' Lettersiv Gin'ral Dhreadnaught an' Alfaretta Agonized; Stolen, Collected an'Edited be James Snooper.) * * * Next year was mim'rable f'r his gloryousvicthry at Punkheim, all th' more wondherful because at th' time ourhero was sufferin' fr'm deleeryyum thremens.

  "It shows th' fortitude iv th' Gin'ral an' that he was as gr-reat aliar as I have indicated in th' precedin' pages, that with th' cheers ivhis sojers ringin' in his ears, he cud still write home to his wife:'Ol' girl--I can't find annything fit to dhrink down here. Can't ye sindme some cider fr'm th' farm.' * * * In 1865 he was accused ivembezzlemint, but th' charges niver reached his ears or th' public'sontil eight years afther his death. * * * In 67' his foster brother,that he had neglected in Kansas City, slipped on his ballroom flure an'broke his leg. * * * In '70 his wife died afther torturin' him f'r fiftyyears. They were a singularly badly mated couple, with a fam'ly ivfourteen childher, but he did not live long to enjoy his happiness. F'rsome reason he niver left his house, but passed away within a month, oneof th' gr-reatest men th' cinchry has projooced. For further details ivth' wrong things he done see th' notes at th' end iv th' volume.' Itseems to me, Hinnissy, that this here thing called bi-ography is a kindiv an offset f'r histhry. Histhry lies on wan side, an' bi-ography comesalong an' makes it rowl over an' lie on th' other side. Th' historyansays, go up; th' bi-ographer says, come down among us. I don't believeayether iv thim.

  "I was talkin' with Father Kelly about it afther Hogan wint out. 'Werethey all so bad, thim men that I've been brought up to think sogloryous?' says I. 'They were men,' says Father Kelly. 'Ye mustn'tbelieve all ye hear about thim, no matther who says it,' says he. 'It'sa thrait iv human nature to pull down th' gr-reat an' sthrong. Th' herosthruts through histhry with his chin up in th' air, his scipter in hishand an' his crown on his head. But behind him dances a boot-blackimitatin' his walk an' makin' faces at him. Fame invites a man out ivhis house to be crowned f'r his gloryous deeds, an' sarves him with awarrant f'r batin' his wife. 'Tis no
t in th' nature iv things that itshudden't be so. We'd all perish iv humilyation if th' gr-reat men ivth' wurruld didn't have nachral low-down thraits. If they don't happento possess thim, we make some up f'r thim. We allow no man to tower overus. Wan way or another we level th' wurruld to our own height. If wecan't reach th' hero's head we cut off his legs. It always makes me feelaisier about mesilf whin I r-read how bad Julius Cayzar was. An' itstimylates compytition. If gr-reatness an' goodness were hand in hand'tis small chance anny iv us wud have iv seem' our pitchers in th'pa-apers.'

  "An' so it is that the battles ye win, th' pitchers ye paint, th' peopleye free, th' childher that disgrace ye, th' false step iv ye'er youth,all go thundherin' down to immortality together. An' afther all, isn'tit a good thing? Th' on'y bi-ography I care about is th' one Mulliganth' stone-cutter will chop out f'r me. I like Mulligan's style, f'r he'sno flatthrer, an' he has wan model iv bi-ography that he uses f'r oldan' young, rich an' poor. He merely writes something to th' gin'raleffect that th' deceased was a wondher, an' lets it go at that."

  "Which wud ye rather be, famous or rich?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

  "I'd like to be famous," said Mr. Dooley, "an' have money enough to buyoff all threatenin' bi-ographers."