Mr. Dooley Says

by Finley Peter Dunne

  WOMAN SUFFRAGE

  "I see be th' pa-apers that th' ladies in England have got up in theirmight an' demanded a vote."

  "A what?" cried Mr. Hennessy.

  "A vote," said Mr. Dooley.

  "Th' shameless viragoes," said Mr. Hennessy. "What did they do?"

  "Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "an immense concoorse iv forty iv thimgathered in London an' marched up to th' House iv Commons, or naytionaldormytory, where a loud an' almost universal snore proclaimed that adebate was ragin' over th' bill to allow English gintlemen to marrytheir deceased wife's sisters befure th' autopsy. In th' great hall ivRufus some iv th' mightiest male intellecks in Britain slept undhertheir hats while an impassioned orator delivered a hem-stitched speechon th' subject iv th' day to th' attintive knees an' feet iv th'ministhry. It was into this here assimbly iv th' first gintlemen ivEurope that ye see on ye'er way to France that th' furyous femalesattimpted to enter. Undaunted be th' stairs iv th' building or th' rudejeers iv th' multichood, they advanced to th' very outside dures iv th'idifice. There an overwhelmin' force iv three polismen opposed thim.'What d'ye want, mum?' asked the polls. 'We demand th' suffrage,' saysth' commander iv th' army iv freedom.

  "The brutal polis refused to give it to thim an' a desp'rate battlefollowed. Th' ladies fought gallantly, hurlin' cries iv 'Brute,''Monster,' 'Cheap,' et cethry, at th' constablry. Hat pins were dhrawn.Wan lady let down her back hair; another, bolder thin th' rest, done afit on th' marble stairs; a third, p'raps rendered insane be sufferin'f'r a vote, sthruck a burly ruffyan with a Japanese fan on th' littlefinger iv th' right hand. Thin th' infuryated officers iv th' lawcharged on th' champeens iv liberty. A scene iv horror followed.Polismen seized ladies be th' arms and' led thim down th' stairs;others were carried out fainting by th' tyrants. In a few minyits allwas over, an' nawthin' but three hundhred hairpins remained to mark th'scene iv slaughter. Thus, Hinnissy, was another battle f'r freedomfought an' lost."

  "It sarves thim right," said Mr. Hennessy. "They ought to be at hometindin' th' babies."

  "A thrue statement an' a sound argymint that appeals to ivry man. P'rapsthey havn't got any babies. A baby is a good substichoot f'r a ballot,an' th' hand that rocks th' cradle sildom has time f'r anny otherluxuries. But why shud we give thim a vote, says I. What have they doneto injye this impeeryal suffrage that we fought an' bled f'r? Whin meforefathers were followin' George Wash'nton an' sufferin' all th'hardships that men endure campin' out in vacation time, what were th'women doin'? They were back in Matsachoosetts milkin' th' cow, mendin'socks, followin' th' plow, plantin' corn, keepin' store, shoein' horses,an' pursooin' th' other frivvlous follies iv th' fair but fickle sect.Afther th' war our brave fellows come back to Boston an' as a reward f'rtheir devotion got a vote apiece, if their wives had kept th' Pilgrimfathers that stayed at home fr'm foreclosin' th' morgedge on theirproperty. An' now, be hivens, they want to share with us what we won.

  "Why, they wudden't know how to vote. They think it's an aisy job thatanny wan can do, but it ain't. It's a man's wurruk, an' a sthrong man'swith a sthrong stomach. I don't know annything that requires what Hogancalls th' exercise iv manly vigor more thin votin'. It's th' hardestwurruk I do in th' year. I get up befure daylight an' thramp over to th'Timple iv Freedom, which is also th' office iv a livery stable. Wan ivth' judges has a cold in his head an' closes all th' windows. Anotherjudge has built a roarin' fire in a round stove an' is cookin' red-hotson it. Th' room is lit with candles an' karosene lamps, an' is crowdedwith pathrites who haven't been to bed. At th' dure are two or threepolismen that maybe ye don't care to meet. Dock O'Leary says he don'tknow annything that'll exhaust th' air iv a room so quick as a polismanin his winter unyform. All th' pathrites an', as th' pa-apers call thim,th' high-priests iv this here sacred rite, ar-re smokin' th' bestseegars that th' token money iv our counthry can buy.

  "In th' pleasant warmth iv th' fire, th' harness on th' walls glows an'puts out its own peculiar aromy. Th' owner iv th' sanchoo-ary iv Libertycomes in, shakes up a bottle iv liniment made iv carbolic acid, pours itinto a cup an' goes out. Wan iv th' domestic attindants iv th' guests ivth' house walks through fr'm makin' th' beds. Afther a while th' chiefjudge, who knows me well, because he shaves me three times a week, givesme a contimchous stare, asks me me name an' a number iv scand'lousquestions about me age.

  "I'm timpted to make an angry retort, whin I see th' polisman movin'nearer, so I take me ballot an' wait me turn in th' booth. They're alloccypied be writhin' freemen, callin' in sthrangled voices f'r somewanto light th' candle so they'll be sure they ain't votin' th' prohybitionticket. Th' calico sheets over th' front iv th' booths wave an' ar-repushed out like th' curtains iv a Pullman car whin a fat man isdhressin' inside while th' thrain is goin' r-round a curve. In time afreeman bursts through, with perspyration poorin' down his nose, hurlshis suffrage at th' judge an' staggers out. I plunge in, sharpen an inchiv lead pencil be rendin' it with me teeth, mutilate me ballot at th'top iv th' dimmycratic column, an' run f'r me life.

  "Cud a lady do that, I ask ye? No, sir, 'tis no job f'r th' fair. It'smen's wurruk. Molly Donahue wants a vote, but though she cud boundKamachatka as aisily as ye cud this precint, she ain't qualified f'r it.It's meant f'r gr-reat sturdy American pathrites like Mulkowsky th'Pollacky down th' sthreet. He don't know yet that he ain't votin' f'rth' King iv Poland. He thinks he's still over there pretindin' to be ahorse instead iv a free American givin' an imytation iv a steam dhredge.

  "On th' first Choosday afther th' first Monday in November an' April aman goes ar-round to his house, wakes him up, leads him down th'sthreet, an' votes him th' way ye'd wather a horse. He don't mindinhalin' th' air iv liberty in a livery stable. But if Molly Donahuewint to vote in a livery stable, th' first thing she'd do wud be to geta broom, sweep up th' flure, open th' windows, disinfect th' booths,take th' harness fr'm th' walls, an' hang up a pitcher iv Niagary bemoonlight, chase out th' watchers an' polis, remove th' seegars, maketh' judges get a shave, an' p'raps invalydate th' iliction. It's no jobf'r her, an' I told her so.

  "'We demand a vote,' says she. 'All right,' says I, 'take mine. It'sold, but it's trustworthy an' durable. It may look a little th' worsef'r wear fr'm bein' hurled again a republican majority in this counthryf'r forty years, but it's all right. Take my vote an' use it as yeplease,' says I, 'an' I'll get an hour or two exthry sleep iliction daymornin',' says I. 'I've voted so often I'm tired iv it annyhow,' says I.'But,' says I, 'why shud anny wan so young an' beautiful as ye want todo annything so foolish as to vote?' says I. 'Ain't we intilligentenough?' says she. 'Ye'ar too intilligent,' says I. 'But intilligencedon't give ye a vote.'

  "'What does, thin,' says she. 'Well,' says I, 'enough iv ye at wan timewantin' it enough. How many ladies ar-re there in ye'er Woman's RightsClub?' 'Twinty,' says she. 'Make it three hundher,' says I, 'an' ye'llbe on ye'er way. Ye'er mother doesn't want it, does she? No, nor ye'ersister Katie? No, nor ye'er cousin, nor ye'er aunt? All that ilictionday means to thim is th' old man goin' off in th' mornin' with a lightstep an' fire in his eye, an' comin' home too late at night with a dentin his hat, news-boys hollerin' exthries with th' news that fifty-fourvotes had been cast in th' third precint in th' sivinth ward at 8o'clock, an' Packy an' Aloysius stealin' bar'ls fr'm th' groceryman f'rth' bone-fire. If they iver join ye an' make up their minds to vote,they'll vote. Ye bet they will.'

  "'Ye see, 'twas this way votin' come about. In th' beginnin' on'y th'king had a vote, an' ivrybody else was a Chinyman or an Indyan. Th' kingclapped his crown on his head an' wint down to th' polls, marked a crossat th' head iv th' column where his name was, an' wint out to cheer th'returns. Thin th' jooks got sthrong, an' says they: Votin' seems ahealthy exercise an' we'd like to thry it. Give us th' franchise orwe'll do things to ye. An' they got it. Thin it wint down through th'earls an' th' markises an' th' rest iv th' Dooley fam'ly, till fin'llyall that was left iv it was flung to th' ign'rant masses like Hinnissy,because they made a lot iv noise an' threatened to set fire to t
h'barns.'

  "'An' there ye ar-re. Ye'll niver get it be askin' th' polis f'r it. Nowan iver got his rights fr'm a polisman, an' be th' same token, therear-re no rights worth havin' that a polisman can keep ye fr'm gettin'.Th' ladies iv London ar-re followin' the right coorse, on'y there ain'tenough iv thim. If there were forty thousand iv thim ar-rmed with hatpins an' prepared to plunge th' same into th' stomachs iv th' inimies ivfemale suffrage, an' if, instead iv faintin' in th' ar-rms iv th'constablry, they charged an' punctured thim an' broke their way into th'House iv Commons, an' pulled th' wig off the speaker, an' knocked th'hat over th' eyes iv th' prime ministher it wudden't be long befure somemimber wud talk in his sleep in their favor. Ye bet! If ye'er suffrageclub was composed iv a hundhred thousand sturdy ladies it wudden't belong befure Bill O'Brien wud be sindin' ye a box iv chocolate creams f'rye'er vote.'

  "'Some day ye may get a vote, but befure ye do I'll r-read this in th'pa-apers: A hundhred thousand armed an' detarmined women invaded th'capital city to-day demandin' th' right to vote. They chased th' polisacrost th' Pottymac, mobbed a newspaper that was agin th' bill, an'tarred an' feathered Sinitor Glue, th' leader iv th' opposition. At 10o'clock a rumor spread that th' Prisident wud veto th' bill, an'instantly a huge crowd iv excited females gathered in front of the WhiteHouse, hurlin' rocks an' cryin' 'Lynch him!' Th' tumult was on'y quelledwhin th' Prisident's wife appeared on th' balcony an' made a briefspeech. She said she was a mimber iv th' local suffrage club, an' shefelt safe in assuring her sisters that th' bill wud be signed. Ifnicissry, she wud sign it hersilf. (Cheers.) Th' Prisident was a littleonruly, but he was frequently that way. Th' marrid ladies in th'aujeence wud undherstand. He meant nawthin'. It was on'y wan iv histantrums. A little moral suasion wud bring him ar-round all right. Atprisint th' Chief Magistrate was in th' kitchen with his daughtersettin' on his head.

  "'Th' speech was received with loud cheers, an' th' mob proceeded downPinnslyvanya Avnoo. Be noon all enthrances to th' capital were jammed.Congressmen attimptin' to enter were seized be th' hair iv th' head an'made to sign a pa-aper promisin' to vote right. Immejately afther th'prayer th' Hon'rable Clarence Gumdhrop iv Matsachoosetts offered th'suffrage bill f'r passage. 'Th' motion is out iv ordher,' began th'Speaker. At this minyit a lady standin' behind th' chair dhrove adarning needle through his coat tails. 'But,' continued th' Speaker,reachin' behind him with an agnized ex'pression, 'I will let it goannyhow.' 'Mr. Speaker, I protest,' began th' Hon'rable Attila Sthrong,'I protest--' At this a perfeck tornado iv rage broke out in th'gall'ries. Inkwells, bricks, combs, shoes, smellin' bottles, handmirrors, fans, an' powdher puffs were hurled at th' onforchnit mimber.In the midst iv th' confusion th' wife iv Congressman Sthrong cud beseen wavin' a par'sol over her head an' callin' out: 'I dare ye to comehome to-night, polthroon.'

  "'Whin th' noise partially subsided, th' bold Congressman, his facelivid with emotion, was heard to remark with a sob: 'I was on'y about tosay I second th' motion, deary.' Th' bill was carried without adissintin' voice, an' rushed over to th' Sinit. There it was opposed beJeff Davis but afther a brief dialogue with th' leader iv th'suffrageites, he swooned away. Th' Sinit fin'lly insthructed th' clerkto cast th' unanimous vote f'r th' measure. To-night in th' prisince iva vast multichood th' Prisident was led out be his wife. He wassupported, or rather pushed, be two iv his burly daughters. He seemedmuch confused, an' his wife had to point out th' place where he was tosign. With tremblin' fingers he affixed his signature an' was led back.

  "'The night passed quietly. Th' sthreets were crowded all avenin' withgood-natured throngs iv ladies, an' in front iv th' dry goods stores,which were illuminated f'r th' occasion, it was almost impossible to getthrough. Iv coorse there were th' usual riochous scenes in th' dhrugstores, where th' bibulous gathered at th' sody-wather counthers an'cillybrated th' victory in lemon, vanilla, an' choc'late, some iv thimkeepin' it up till 9 o'clock, or aven later.' 'Whin that comes about,me child,' says I, 'ye may sheathe ye'er hat pins in ye'er millinary,f'r ye'll have as much right to vote as th' most ignorant man in th'ward. But don't ask f'r rights. Take thim. An' don't let anny wan givethim to ye. A right that is handed to ye f'r nawthin' has somethin' th'matther with it. It's more than likely it's on'y a wrong turned insideout,' says I. 'I didn't fight f'r th' rights I'm told I injye, though totell ye th' truth I injye me wrongs more; but some wan did. Some timesome fellow was prepared to lay down his life, or betther still, th'other fellows', f'r th' right to vote.'"

  "I believe ye're in favor iv it ye'ersilf," said Mr. Hennessy.

  "Faith," said Mr. Dooley, "I'm not wan way or th' other. I don't care.What diff'rence does it make? I wudden't mind at all havin' a littlesoap an' wather, a broom an' a dusther applied to pollyticks. Itwudden't do anny gr-reat harm if a man cudden't be illicted to officeonless he kept his hair combed an' blacked his boots an' shaved his chinwanst a month. Annyhow, as Hogan says, I care not who casts th' votesiv me counthry so long as we can hold th' offices. An' there's on'y wanway to keep the women out iv office, an' that's to give thim a vote."