The Reality Slap

by Russ Harris

  Russ’s background is in medicine. He qualified as a doctor in 1989, at the University of Newcastle-Upon-Tyne in the UK. He emigrated to Australia in 1991, and set up practice as a GP in Melbourne.

  As a GP he became increasingly interested in the psychological aspects of health and wellbeing (and increasingly disenchanted with writing prescriptions). Ultimately this interest led to a total career change, and he now works in two different, yet complementary roles: as a therapist and as a life coach.

  Over the years, he has trained in many types of therapy and coaching, but when he discovered Acceptance & Commitment Therapy, (ACT), a unique and creative mindfulness-based behavioural therapy, he was so deeply impressed that he immediately went to the USA to train with its creators, Steve Hayes, Kelly Wilson, and Kirk Strosahl. Since then, he has been back many times, and is now an internationally renowned ACT trainer. His ACT-based self-help book is a bestseller, now published in over twenty-two countries and seventeen different languages.

  Since 2005, Russ has travelled all around Australia, and internationally, providing workshops and training for a wide variety of health professionals, from coaches and counsellors, to psychologists and psychiatrists. His highly-acclaimed ACT workshops are typically brief, powerful, cost-effective and life-enhancing. Participants regularly report not only major improvements in their therapy and/or coaching, but also in their personal lives – and evaluation forms frequently praise his ability to make complex ideas seem very simple.

  THE

  REALITY

  SLAP

  DR RUSS HARRIS

  Constable & Robinson Ltd

  55–56 Russell Square

  London WC1B 4HP

  www.constablerobinson.com

  Published in Australia in 2011 by Exisle Publishing Limited.

  First published in the UK by Robinson, an imprint of Constable & Robinson Ltd, 2012

  Copyright © Russ Harris, 2011

  The right of Russ Harris to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988

  All rights reserved. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

  A copy of the British Library Cataloguing in Publication data is available from the British Library

  ISBN: 978-1-78033-202-4

  eISBN: 978-1-78033-548-3

  Printed and bound in the UK

  1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

  Important Note

  This book is not intended as a substitute for medical advice or treatment. Any person with a condition requiring medical attention should consult a qualified medical practitioner or suitable therapist.

  DEDICATION

  To my beautiful son. At the time of writing you are only five years old, and yet, you are by far my greatest teacher. Thank you for teaching me so much about living and loving; for helping me to grow and develop; for bringing so much joy and love into my life. I love you more than words can ever hope to express.

  Contents

  Introduction: The Slap and The Gap

  PART 1: AFTER THE SLAP

  Chapter 1: The Four Steps

  Chapter 2: Presence, Purpose and Privilege

  PART 2: HOLD YOURSELF KINDLY

  Chapter 3: A Caring Hand

  Chapter 4: Back To The Present

  Chapter 5: His Master’s Voice

  Chapter 6: Pause The Movie

  Chapter 7: Live and Let Go

  Chapter 8: The Third Way

  Chapter 9: A Curious Look

  Chapter 10: Take Off Your Goggles

  Chapter 11: The Wisdom of Kindness

  PART 3: DROP THE ANCHOR

  Chapter 12: Anchors Away

  Chapter 13: Coming Home

  PART 4: TAKE A STAND

  Chapter 14: What’s My Purpose?

  Chapter 15: Purpose and Pain

  Chapter 16: What Really Counts?

  Chapter 17: The Four Approaches

  Chapter 18: Holding Hot Coals

  Chapter 19: It’s Never Too Late

  PART 5: FIND THE TREASURE

  Chapter 20: It’s A Privilege

  Chapter 21: To Stand and Stare

  Chapter 22: Pain Into Poetry

  Appendix 1: Defusion Techniques and Neutralisation

  Appendix 2: Mindfulness of the Breath

  Appendix 3: Values Clarification

  Appendix 4: Goal Setting

  Appendix 5: ABA, RFT and Child Development

  Resources

  Acknowledgements

  Index

  Introduction

  THE SLAP AND THE GAP

  When was the last time you received a reality slap? We’ve all had plenty of them in our lives: those moments when life suddenly deals us a painful blow. It’s a shock, and it hurts, and it knocks us off balance; we struggle to stay on our feet, and sometimes we fall.

  The reality slap takes many different forms. Sometimes it’s so violent, it’s more like a punch: the death of a loved one, a serious illness or injury, a freak accident, a violent crime, a disabled child, bankruptcy, betrayal, fire, flood or disaster. At other times the slap is somewhat gentler: that sudden flash of envy when we realise someone else has got what we want; those sharp pangs of loneliness when we realise how disconnected we are from others; that burst of anger or resentment over some sort of mistreatment; those short, sharp shocks when we catch sight of our reflection and we don’t like what we see; those painful stabs of failure, disappointment or rejection.

  Sometimes the slap quickly recedes into memory: a passing moment, a brief ‘rude awakening’. At other times it knocks us senseless and leaves us wandering in a daze for days or weeks. However, whatever form it takes, one thing’s for sure: the reality slap hurts. We don’t expect it, we don’t like it, and we definitely don’t want it. And, unfortunately, the slap is just the beginning. What comes next is much harder. For once the slap wakes us up, we then face the gap.

  I call it ‘the reality gap’ because on one side is the reality we have, and on the other is the reality we want. And the bigger the gap between those two realities, the more painful the feelings that will arise: envy, jealousy, fear, disappointment, shock, grief, sadness, anger, anxiety, outrage, dread, guilt, resentment; perhaps even hatred, despair or disgust. And, whereas the slap is usually over quickly, the gap can persist for days, weeks, months, years and even decades.

  Most of us are ill-equipped to deal with large reality gaps. Our society doesn’t teach us how to handle them or, rather, it doesn’t teach us how to handle them effectively, in such a way that we can thrive and find lasting fulfilment. Our first instinct, whenever we encounter a reality gap, is to try and close it; we take action to change reality, so it conforms to our wishes. And if we succeed, the gap closes and we feel good. We feel happy, content or calm, with a sense of achievement or relief. And this is all well and good. After all, if there’s something we can do to get what we want in life — and if it’s not a criminal activity, and it doesn’t go against our core values, and it’s not going to create even bigger problems for us — then it makes sense to go ahead and do it.

  But what happens when we can’t get what we want? What do we do when we can’t close that reality gap; when someone we love dies, or our partner leaves us, or our kids move overseas, or we can’t have children, or our child has a serious disability, or someone we want to be friends with doesn’t like us, or we lose our eyesight, or we are diagnosed with an incurable or chronic illness, or we’re not as smart or talented or good-looking as w
e would like? And what happens when we can close the reality gap, but it’s going to take a long, long time to do it; how do we cope in the meantime?

  I once read an article that claimed all self-help books could be lumped into two categories: those that claim you can have everything you ever wanted in life, if only you put your mind to it; and those that claim you can’t have everything you want, but you can still lead a rich and rewarding life. This book is definitely in the second category.

  To be honest, I am amazed that people buy books in the first category. If you look closely at anybody’s life, from Bill Gates to Brad Pitt, from Buddha to Jesus, from the rich and famous and powerful to the beautiful and strong and smart, you will see that nobody gets everything they want. It is impossible. During our time on this planet, we’re all going to experience disappointment, frustration, failure, loss, rejection, illness, injury, ageing and death.

  If the reality gap is small, or it seems like we can close it relatively quickly, then most of us handle it reasonably well. But the bigger it gets, and the longer it stays open, the more we tend to struggle. And this is why ‘inner fulfilment’ is so important. Inner fulfilment is a deep sense of peacefulness, wellbeing and vitality that you can experience even in the face of a large reality gap: even when your dreams don’t come true, your goals aren’t achieved and your life is harsh, cruel or unfair.

  This is very different to ‘external fulfilment’: those good feelings we have when we manage to conform reality to our wishes; to close the gap, to achieve our goals, to get what we really want in life. External fulfilment is important: we all like to achieve goals and get our needs met. But external fulfilment isn’t always possible. (If you think it is always possible, you’re definitely reading the wrong book. You should read one of those books that claim you can have whatever you want simply by asking the Universe and believing it will deliver.)

  In this book, then, as you’ve probably gathered, we’re going to focus on inner fulfilment: a deep sense of wellbeing and peace that we cultivate from within ourselves, rather than searching for it outside ourselves. And the good news is, the resources that enable inner fulfilment are always available to us; they’re like a bottomless well deep inside us, from which we can draw whenever thirsty. However, just because this is our focus, it doesn’t mean we give up on all our worldly pleasures, desires, wants, needs and goals; we’ll certainly look at how to close the reality gap, if and when it can be closed. What it does mean is that we no longer depend upon things outside ourselves for our sense of wellbeing and vitality; that even in the midst of great pain, or fear, or loss, or deprivation, we can find a sense of peace and comfort within.

  Twenty-two Blind Men

  You probably know the old story about the three blind men and the elephant. Just to refresh your memory, three blind men approach the ringmaster of a circus. ‘We want to know what an elephant is like,’ they say. ‘Can you let us touch one?’ The ringmaster agrees and allows them to touch his prize elephant who, luckily, is very friendly and accommodating. The first blind man grabs the elephant’s trunk and feels it all over. ‘Gosh,’ he says, ‘an elephant is just like a python.’ Meanwhile, the second blind man is running his hands all over the elephant’s leg. ‘It’s nothing like a python,’ he protests, ‘it’s like a tree trunk.’ At the same time, the third blind man is feeling the elephant’s tail and says, ‘I don’t know what you two are talking about. An elephant is like a piece of rope.’

  Of course, all three men were accurate in their observations, but each one of them held only one piece of the puzzle. And this book is somewhat similar: I liken it to twenty-two blind men exploring an elephant. Each chapter will bring you into contact with one aspect of the elephant — sometimes a large part, like the trunk, and sometimes a smaller detail, like an eyelid. Eventually, by the end of the book, the elephant will be revealed in all its glory. (I even thought about calling this book The Elephant Within but it just didn’t have the same ring.)

  The elephant in question is called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy or ACT (which is said as the word ‘act’, not as the initials). ACT is a scientifically based model for enriching and enhancing human lives, created by US psych -ologist Steven C. Hayes, based on the concepts of mindfulness and values. If you’re new to these concepts and how they help us thrive in the face of life’s challenges, then this book will give you a gentle but thorough introduction. But, if you are already familiar with these concepts, then this book will help you to gain new insights, remind yourself of the things you had forgotten, or revisit old places and discover something you hadn’t previously noticed.

  The chapters in this book are designed not only to open up your mind, but also your heart. In some I’ll be playful and light-hearted, and in others I’ll be deadly serious and share deeply personal stories that may even bring a tear to your eyes. I like to think of each chapter as windows opening on to a magnificent landscape: they enable you to appreciate where you are; they extend your view, allowing you to see further and more clearly; and they open up possibilities for new directions.

  So please take your time and enjoy the journey. There is no need to rush. Each time you touch the elephant, savour that contact; each time you open a window, appreciate the view. In this way, step-by-step, and moment-by-moment, you will learn how to find fulfilment when reality hurts.

  PART 1

  AFTER THE SLAP

  Chapter 1

  THE FOUR STEPS

  I didn’t see it coming. Around the time of my fortieth birthday, reality was treating me so well, I thought, ‘Maybe life really does begin at forty!’ Everything seemed to be going my way. After twenty years of writing and five unpublished novels, my first book was finally about to be published. I loved my work as a therapist and life coach, and my career was heading off in new and exciting directions. I had excellent health, a strong marriage and wonderful friends. But all of that paled in comparison to the greatest joy in my life: my beautiful baby boy, who was then eleven months old. I have never known anything like those overwhelming feelings of love, joy and tenderness that a parent feels towards a child.

  Like most new parents, I thought my son was the most beautiful, intelligent baby in the whole wide world — and I often fantasised about his future life. He would be so much smarter than me in every way — and unlike me, he would excel at sport, be super popular with all his schoolmates, and be a big hit with the girls when he got older. Then he would naturally go on to university and develop some high-power career. Ahh, the wonders of ‘fantasy land’.

  By the time our son was eighteen months old, my wife and I were concerned that he was lagging behind in his developmental milestones. Among other things, he wasn’t walking, and he had very few words. So we took him to a paediatrician and had him assessed. The paediatrician checked him out thoroughly and assured us he was just ‘slow’ to develop, as ‘boys often are’. He told us not to worry and to come back and see him if we had any more concerns.

  Well, three months later, our concerns had grown significantly. Our son still had very few words, still wasn’t walking, and seemed to understand very little of what we said to him. So we took him back to the specialist. More tests followed: two hours of intensive assessment. And again the specialist told us there was nothing wrong: our little boy was just slow to develop; he would soon catch up; nothing to worry about.

  Over the next two months, we became increasingly worried. Our son often seemed ‘spaced out’ in his own private world. He was almost two years old now and still not walking. He was getting around by shuffling on his bum; it looked cute and funny, but it troubled us. And he had started some odd behaviours, such as rolling his eyeballs, grinding his teeth and staring out of the corner of his eyes at parallel lines on walls and floors. He was still hardly speaking and he did not even seem to know his own name.

  So we went for a second opinion. The new paediatrician was very concerned and immediately arranged for a thorough assessment, which included a speech therapist and
a psychologist. And just five days before my beautiful baby boy turned two, he was diagnosed with autism.

  My world crumbled. I have never felt such pain in all of my life.

  ‘Autism’ is one of those words like ‘cancer’ or ‘AIDS’: when you hear it in everyday conversation, you can’t help but shudder. And when you hear it as a diagnosis applied to your own child, it’s like someone sticking a knife into your gut and twisting it around, and then slowly pulling your intestines out through the wound.

  I cried, I sobbed, I howled. I didn’t know it was possible to hurt so much. I’ve broken bones, been seriously ill, and witnessed loved ones die, but the pain of those events was miniscule compared to this.

  * * *

  Dr Elisabeth Kübler-Ross famously described the ‘five stages of grief’ as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Although she was specifically referring to death and dying, these stages also apply to all types of loss, shock, crisis and trauma. However, they are not discrete and well-defined stages, and many people don’t experience all of them. Also, there is no fixed order in which these stages occur. They frequently happen simultaneously; they tend to ebb and flow and blend into one another; and often they seem to ‘end’ and then ‘start again’.

  For reality slaps of a less violent or dramatic nature, you might not experience any grief, but for major crises and losses, you almost certainly will go through at least some of these stages, so let’s briefly discuss them.

  ‘Denial’ refers to a conscious or unconscious refusal or inability to acknowledge the reality of the situation. This could manifest as unwillingness to talk about it or think about it; or as trying hard to pretend that it’s not happening; or as a pervasive sense of unreality — walking around in a daze, feeling as if it’s all just a bad dream.