The Reality Slap

by Russ Harris

  In the ‘anger’ stage, you might get angry with yourself, or others, or life itself. And, of course, anger has many close relatives that frequently drop in: resentment, indignation, fury, outrage, or a strong sense of unfairness, injustice or betrayal.

  ‘Bargaining’ means attempting to strike deals that will alter the reality; this might include anything from asking God for a reprieve, to asking a surgeon to guarantee the operation will be successful. It frequently involves lots of wishful thinking and fantasising about alternative realities: ‘If only this had happened’, ‘If only that hadn’t happened’.

  Unfortunately, the ‘depression’ stage is misnamed. It does not mean experiencing the common clinical disorder known as ‘depression’. Rather it refers to the normal emotions of sadness, sorrow, regret, fear, anxiety and uncertainty, which are natural human reactions to loss and trauma.

  Finally, the ‘acceptance’ stage refers to making peace with the reality gap, instead of struggling with it or avoiding it.

  In the months that followed my son’s diagnosis, I found I went through all of these ‘stages’ many times over. At the time of writing this book, it has been more than three years since that reality slap, and I have learned and grown much during that time. And although the slap is now a distant memory, the reality gap it unveiled still remains open. Therefore, as we go through this book, I will share with you my journey, to illustrate many of the principles within these pages. I have to say, at risk of it being a cliché, that although my journey has been long and hard and painful, it’s also been incredibly rewarding. Along the way, there’s been a huge amount of sadness, fear and anger, but there’s also been plenty of joy, love and wonder, and I fully expect that you will find the same on your own journey.

  Of course, your reality gap may seem very different to mine — and also to those of other people you know. Divorce, death or disability; illness, injury or infirmity; depression, anxiety or addiction: they all seem to be very different from one another but, beneath the surface, they are all very similar. In each case, we face a big gap between the reality that we’ve got and the reality that we want. And the bigger that gap is, the bigger the pain. And the bigger the pain, the less effectively we cope. So in this book, I’m going to outline a strategy that will help you deal with any sort of reality gap, no matter how great or small, and no matter whether it’s temporary or permanent. This strategy will help you to close that gap, if and when it can be closed, and to find inner fulfilment when it can’t be closed (either temporarily or permanently).

  Basically, this strategy involves four steps:

  • Hold yourself kindly.

  • Drop the anchor.

  • Take a stand.

  • Find the treasure.

  Let’s take a quick look at these now.

  Step 1: Hold Yourself Kindly

  When we’re hurting, we need to be kind to ourselves. Unfortunately, this is easier said than done. For most of us, the default setting of our mind is to be harsh, judgemental, uncaring or self-critical (this is especially likely if you believe that you created your own reality gap).

  We all know self-criticism doesn’t help us, but that doesn’t stop it from happening. And popular self-help approaches, such as challenging our negative thoughts, or repeating positive affirmations, or practising self-hypnosis, do not work for most of us in the long term; our minds continue to be harsh, judgemental and self-critical. So we need to learn the art of self-compassion: how to hold ourselves kindly and gently. We need to learn how to support and comfort ourselves, and how to handle our painful thoughts and feelings effectively, so they have less impact and influence over our lives.

  Step 2: Drop the Anchor

  The larger the reality gap, the greater the emotional storm it unleashes within. Waves of painful feelings crash through our bodies and painful thoughts blow wildly through our heads. When we get carried away by this storm of thoughts and feelings, we are helpless; there is nothing we can do but desperately try to save ourselves from drowning. So when that storm hits us, we must drop anchor and ground ourselves, so we can take effective action. Dropping anchor doesn’t get rid of the storm; it just holds us steady until the storm passes.

  Step 3: Take a Stand

  Whenever we encounter a reality gap, it helps to ask ourselves this question: ‘What do I want to stand for in the face of this?’ We can stand for giving up on life, or we can stand for something far more meaningful. We can stand for something that matters, deep in our heart: something that dignifies our suffering and gives us the will and the courage to carry on.

  Obviously, we can’t turn back time. We can’t undo whatever it is that has happened. But we can choose the attitude we take towards it. Sometimes when we take a stand, we can close the gap, and at other times, obviously we can’t. But the moment we take a stand, we experience vitality; we may not have the reality we want, but we do have the satisfaction of living with purpose.

  Step 4: Find the Treasure

  Once we have put the first three steps into practice, we will be in a very different space mentally. And from this space, we will be able to find and appreciate the many treasures life has to offer. This last step may sound impossible, especially if you are currently in the midst of great anxiety, sadness or despair — but it is not. To give you a dramatic example, a few years ago a friend of mine suffered a tragic loss: her three-year-old daughter died suddenly from septicaemia. It was the most heartbreaking funeral I’d ever attended: an outpouring of grief without end.

  What amazed and inspired me over the ensuing months was the way my friend continued to find fulfilment. In the midst of her unimaginable sorrow, tormented and shattered by her loss, she did not lose touch with all that remained in her life. At the same time as making room for her grief, she reached out and connected with her family and friends, her work, her religion and her creativity. And, in doing so, she found love, joy and comfort. Her pain did not disappear; I doubt it ever will. Her reality gap did not close; how on earth could it? But she was able to appreciate the reality around that gap; to appreciate how much life still had to offer.

  If you don’t have children yourself, you may not realise just how remarkable this is. Personally, I can’t think of anything worse than losing a child. Many parents become severely depressed or suicidal under these circumstances. But it doesn’t have to be that way. We do have a choice, even though our minds often say that we don’t.

  This then, is the final step of our journey: to find the treasure buried beneath all our pain. That doesn’t mean we deny the pain is there, or we try to pretend that it doesn’t hurt. Rather, it means we acknowledge the pain is there and we also appreciate all that life has to offer.

  At this point, you may notice your mind protesting. It may insist that your case is different to everyone else’s; that your life will remain pointless, empty, miserable or unbearable unless your reality gap is closed. If so, rest assured: those are perfectly natural thoughts that many people have when they’re new to this approach. And if I try to convince your mind that its comments are wrong, I will almost certainly lose. For example, I could start quoting the vast amount of research on ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), much of it published in leading psychological journals, which shows it is effective with everything from depression and addiction, to reducing stress at work and dealing with a terminal diagnosis of cancer. But your mind could easily dismiss all this with one comment: ‘That doesn’t mean it will work for me.’ And I can’t argue with that. There’s a very good chance this approach will help you, but I can’t guarantee it. However, I can guarantee that if you stop reading simply because your mind says, ‘This won’t work’, then you definitely won’t get any benefit from this book!

  So, how about we just let your mind have its say? Let it tell you whatever it wants, but don’t let it stop you. Let it chatter away like a radio playing in the background while you keep on reading, and see if you can be curious about where this leads you. Because although our min
ds like to think they can predict the future, really . . . who knows what might happen?

  Chapter 2

  PRESENCE, PURPOSE AND PRIVILEGE

  As Burrhus Frederic Skinner, one of the most influential psychologists in human history, lay on his deathbed, his mouth grew dry. When a carer gave him some water, he sipped it gratefully, then uttered his final word: ‘Marvellous’.

  Inspiring, isn’t it? To think that even on his deathbed, with his organs failing, his lungs collapsing and leukaemia running rampant through his body, B.F. Skinner could enjoy one of life’s simple pleasures.

  This true story contains three important themes relevant to every human being who seeks inner fulfilment. No matter how you travel this path, whether through modern Western scientific approaches such as ACT, or through ancient Eastern spiritual approaches such as Buddhism, Taoism or yoga, you will encounter three core themes I call the three P’s: Presence, Purpose and Privilege.

  Presence

  If we wish to find lasting fulfilment, we must develop the ability to live fully in the present moment. However, to stay fully present — engaged in and open to our here-and-now experience — is not easy. Why? Thanks to that wonderful gift we are all born with: the human mind. Minds are wonderful things — we’d be in trouble without them — but if you’ve got one, then you can’t help but notice that it never stops thinking. The mind churns out thoughts all day long, and often we get ‘hooked’ by them and pulled out of our life. Most of us walk around lost in our thoughts for large parts of the day, missing out on our experi ence in this moment. And many of us fail to even realise it.

  For example, have you ever done something like this? You get into the shower, the warm water hits your body and, for a moment or two, you’re fully present: fully engaged in the rich sensual experience of the shower. The water flows down your back, the warmth soothes your muscles, your body hums with pleasure. And then . . . within the space of a few seconds, you drift off into your thoughts: ‘What’s on the to-do list for today?’ ‘Oh, I have to get that project completed.’ ‘Oh no, I forgot to tell Susan about the girl’s night.’ ‘What will I make Timmy for lunch today?’ ‘Only three more days until we go on holiday, yippee!’ ‘Hmmm. Getting a bit chubby around the waist, better start exercising again.’

  As you get more and more drawn into your thoughts, the shower progressively recedes into the background. You know the shower is still happening, but you’re no longer fully engaged in it. It’s more like your body is over there, taking the shower on autopilot, while you’re over here having a fabulous conversation inside your head. And then, before you know it, the shower is over.

  Most of us, if we’re honest, spend large chunks of our day lost in our thoughts, wandering around in a veil of ‘psycho -logical smog’ and, consequently, we miss out on much of the richness of life. This is all the more likely when we face a large reality gap; our minds churn out no end of painful thoughts and we easily get ‘pulled in’. For example, if reality dumps something dramatic and unexpected on our doorstep — a sudden death, a divorce or a disaster — we may wander around in a daze, unable to ‘think straight’, or remember properly, or even perform our routine tasks adequately.

  Furthermore, the ability to engage fully in what we are doing, and keep our attention on the task, is essential for mastering any skill or activity, and vital for effective action of any kind. So if we wish to respond effectively to whatever painful blow life has dealt us, we have to be ‘present’.

  (Note: ‘Presence’ is more commonly known as ‘mindfulness’ and, throughout this book, I will use the two terms inter -changeably. Mindfulness is currently a hot topic in Western psychology, and in textbooks and self-help books you’ll almost always find its origins attributed to Buddhism. However, this is a major misconception. Buddhism is only 2,600 years old; mindfulness is much older than that. We can find it in Judaism, Taoism and yoga, going back around 4,000 years. Indeed, the Buddhist scriptures make it clear that the Buddha originally learned the art of mindfulness from a yogi! In this book, we will approach mindfulness, or presence, from a Western scientific tradition — ACT — which has plenty of similarities to these ancient approaches, but also many differences.)

  Purpose

  ‘Yes, yes,’ people will sometimes say, ‘it’s all very well, being present, but what do I do with my life?’ This is a very important question. Much as a flower needs sunlight, presence needs purpose; otherwise we run the risk of being fully present in a life that lacks meaning.

  One of the greatest challenges we all have to face is discovering what we want our lives to be about. What sort of human beings do we want to be? What do we want to stand for in our brief time on this planet? Towards what ends do we wish to invest our time and energy?

  Of course, some people are happy to go along with the purpose imposed upon them by their religion, family or culture — but for most of us, this is not the case. Most of us have to create that sense of purpose for ourselves — a task easier said than done. The more we can connect with a purpose that guides our actions now and in the future, the more we will experience a sense of fulfilment; we will feel we are making the most of our time on this earth.

  For some of us, when a huge reality gap opens, it actually helps us to clarify our purpose in life: we get in touch with ‘the big picture’, we reflect on what life is all about, we connect with our core values, and we grow and develop. We may even discover a cause or create a mission, which ignites our passion and gives us a sense of vitality. For others, though, it has the opposite effect: our minds may react strongly against the gap and claim that life is pointless, hopeless or unbearable. And if we get hooked by these thoughts, all purpose is lost: life becomes a burden, it has no point. So if we want to take a stand in the face of this gap, we need to be in touch with what really matters; we need to know what our values are, so we can create and draw on a sense of purpose.

  Privilege

  When wood and fire combine within the hearth, they provide us with a wonderful experience of warmth. And when purpose and presence combine within our heart, they provide us with a wonderful experience of privilege. A privilege means a special benefit, or an advantage granted only to the few. When we experience life as a privilege, something to be appreciated and relished, rather than taking it for granted or treating it as a problem to be solved, then naturally it is far more fulfilling. We all pay lip service to the notions that life is ‘short’, ‘precious’ or ‘a gift’, but all too often, lost in our thoughts, adrift from our purpose, we fail to truly appreciate what we have in this moment.

  This is especially likely during times of great suffering. Our minds may well protest, ‘It’s not fair!’ ‘Why me?’ ‘I can’t stand this’, ‘Why is life so hard?’ ‘It shouldn’t be like this!’ ‘I can’t carry on any longer’, or even, in severe cases, ‘I want to die’. And yet, believe it or not, even in the midst of great adversity, it is possible to treat life as a privilege and make the most of it. (And as I said in the previous chapter, if your mind protests that this is not possible for you, just let it chatter away like a radio playing in the background, and carry on reading.)

  Skinner’s Deathbed

  The story of Skinner’s final word neatly illustrates the three P’s. Even on the verge of death — and reality gaps don’t get much bigger than that — he was fully present, able to savour that last sip of cold water. As for purpose, Skinner’s whole life was devoted to helping humans lead better lives. (This was something he achieved in abundance: his theories and research revolutionised Western psychology and strongly influenced many contemporary models of therapy, coaching and personal development.)

  Was this same sense of purpose present to him on his deathbed? Well, we can only speculate. But it seems to me that the very same purpose (helping others) extended to the utterance of his final word. After all, what was the point of saying ‘marvellous’, if not to inspire and comfort his loved ones during a time of great suffering?

  And as
for the third of the three P’s, did he not beautifully model what it means to treat this life as a privilege and make the most of the opportunities it affords us?

  This story is relevant to all of us. How often do we fail to appreciate what we have? How often do we take life for granted? How often do we miss out on the marvels and miracles of human existence? How often do we amble through life on autopilot, without any clear sense of purpose guiding our actions? How often do we get so caught up in our problems, fears, losses and regrets that we forget about all the good stuff in our lives?

  Now don’t worry — I’m not going to go all airy-fairy on you and pretend that life is all sweetness and roses and we can all live happily ever after. The undisputable fact is that life is difficult and it involves plenty of pain. And no matter how good it gets, sooner or later, if we live long enough, we’ll face a huge reality gap. However, as well as the pain and hardship, there is also much to savour, appreciate and celebrate — even if we’re in the midst of great grief or enormous fear. Yet we will not be able to do this without first applying the principles of presence and purpose. (And that is why ‘positive thinking’ — telling yourself that every cloud has a silver lining — is highly unlikely to help you if it’s your main strategy for dealing with pain; in fact, as we’ll see later, there’s a good chance it will make your pain worse in the long term!)

  Obviously if someone is in truly dreadful circumstances — living in a concentration camp, or being tortured in a prison, or starving in the Ethiopian wilderness — there will be very little to savour or appreciate; but if you are reading this book, clearly that is not your situation. Still, to some readers, it may seem that your situation is just as bad or almost as bad as those mentioned, and the last thing I want to do is debate that with you. All I ask you to do is to keep an open mind; you don’t have to believe that any or all of these three P’s are possible. Just read the book and be curious about what happens.