by Grivante
“No!” Jonah boomed from beside them, causing JJ to cringe and Pots to scurry away again. “We told you before,” Jonah said, “we don’t do Halloween.”
JJ took Judas’s hand and helped them both to stand. She turned to Jonah, looking at his scruffy unshaven face, and frowned. “What, are you two too macho to dress up?”
Xanadu trotted in from behind her, a pair of black and red pom-poms in his mouth. He set them at her feet.
“No,” Jonah said, his tone softening.
JJ bent over and grabbed the pom-poms. “C’mon. It’ll be fun. You can dress up as Hans and Franz! It’ll be great.” She shot her right arm above her head, shaking them. “Let’s go Zee Brothers!”
Judas laughed and Jonah bit his tongue, struggling not to grin. JJ brought the pom-pom to her chest, then threw both hands up in a Y. “Yay! Zombie Exterminators! Fight, fight, win!” She spun around, sending the skirt flying up and revealing the number sixty-nine on the back of her uniform.
“Oh my,” Judas said, taking in the skimpy cheerleading outfit.
She smiled at him, leaned in, and kissed his cheek, before growling like a zombie. “C’mon, let’s go have some fun!”
“No!” Jonah said again, less forceful, but still resolute.
She studied him. “What’s the matter? Why are you such a party-pooper?”
Jonah sighed and scratched the back of his neck. “For two reasons. One, Judas has his driver’s test at 8am, and two, we don’t do Halloween for exactly this reason!” He waved his hand in her direction.
“You don’t like women in skimpy outfits?” She cocked her head to the right and raised an eyebrow at him.
“No,” Jonah shook his head, resigned. “It’s the make-up.”
Judas’s cheeks flared red and he turned away.
Jonah continued. “We can’t tell the real dead from those pretending to be. When we were still new to zombie exterminating, we got a call on Halloween. We went out, but it was some jackass who decided to play a prank on us. Judas shot him.”
“Oh!” JJ’s mouth fell open, color draining from her face.
“We kept telling him we were going to shoot and he kept pretending. Luckily, Judas’s first shot only hit him in the arm and then he was on the ground crying like a baby, but it could’ve been much worse.”
“I’m so sorry,” JJ said. “I had no idea. I should’ve thought through my costume a little better.”
“I kinda dig it,” Judas blurted, then added, “From the neck down anyway.”
JJ gave him a giggling growl.
Jonah’s phone vibrated on the counter, causing JJ to glance between it and Jonah. “Aren’t you going to answer that?”
“Nope.” Jonah shook his head. “It’s nothing but pranksters all night long. April Fool’s Day and Halloween. Everyone thinks they’re a comedian.”
“Well, what do you do?”
“We take the night off.” He waved his hands at the table in the living room, littered with beer cans and the empty Big Daddy’s pizza box.
She looked at the television screen where the title of the game flashed. ‘Zombie Road: The Game!’ “That doesn’t look like a night off,” she chuckled.
The brothers both laughed.
“Well, darn it.” She put the pom-poms under her arm and pulled a rubber ring with a large red ball on it off her wrist. “I even had props for Larry.”
“What is that,” Judas asked.
“It’s a ball gag. I know he doesn’t have any teeth, but I figure it'll keep him from being a nuisance.”
“What did you say you wanted to dress him up as?” Jonah asked.
“You’ve seen Saturday Night Live right?”
Both brothers nodded.
“Remember the cheerleaders played by Will Farrell & Cheri Oteri?”
The brothers nodded again, grins breaking across their faces.
“Well, we’re them, but zombies, cheering you two on!”
Jonah and Judas broke into laughter, shaking their heads.
“That’s ridiculous!” Judas said smiling.
“Right?” JJ beamed back. “Anyway, guess it’s out of the question. Mind if I hang out with you two instead?”
“Sure!” Judas blurted and rushed to grab a large orange package off the kitchen table.
Pots joined Pans on the back of the couch to watch the trio. JJ caught sight of them and hurried over. “Well, hello you two! How’s my favorite rodent killers doing?” She scratched their heads and turned back to the brothers. “I’ll even take this make-up off, makes my face itch anyway.”
Xanadu trotted over, hopped on the couch and looked at the cats with a sigh before curling into a ball. Here’s good.
Judas returned carrying the orange box and holding it out to JJ. “I, uh, got you these.” He smiled, shifting on his feet. “Happy Halloween.” Behind him, Jonah looked away.
Eyebrows raised, she took the box from him. “Well, what’s this? I love presents!” She popped the lid open and grinned at what she found. “A giant peanut butter cup shaped like a pumpkin? Yay! You sure know how to be sweet! Thank you!” She set it on the table and kissed his cheek. “Let me get this make-up off and then we'll dig in!”
A few minutes later, the trio huddled on the couch, controllers in hand, the message, ‘You Died!’ displayed again.
“I don’t get it,” JJ said, “they’re much easier to kill in real life. Why are these so fast? Do those really exist?”
“Only in Hollywood,” Jonah answered.
“Hmph,” JJ set the controller down. “That’s no fun.” She picked up a chunk of the giant candy and took a bite. In the kitchen, the phone vibrated again, getting her attention. “Can I listen to them?”
“What, why?” Jonah asked.
“It’s gotta be funner than sitting here dying every two minutes.”
“Fine,” Jonah shrugged.
JJ got up and bounced happily to the kitchen, both brothers turning to watch her go. They looked at each other.
“Damn, I love her,” Judas sighed.
Jonah scoffed, “Yeah, she’s infuriatingly adorkable.”
They resumed playing without JJ, until a moment later when she shouted at them from the kitchen.
“Hey!”
Jonah hit pause and turned to see JJ holding his phone, the expression on her face making his heart race. Tight lips, gritted teeth, narrow eyes and reddening cheeks, she was about to blow, her eyes flicked up and bored into them.
“Have you boys been taking pictures of me when I wasn’t looking?”
“Huh?” Jonah scrunched his face. “What are you talking about?”
“Mhm, no idea, huh?” She walked over, sat down in-between them and shoved the phone in Jonah’s face. On the screen, there was a picture of JJ’s round butt in tight blue jeans as she was bent over scratching Xanadu behind the ears. “Then what’s this? This is from the dog park the other day!”
Jonah stammered. “I-I didn’t take that.”
Both he and JJ swiveled to look at Judas who had slid to the far end of the couch, cheeks bright as apples.
“So it was you, huh?”
“Y-yes.”
JJ frowned and looked back at the phone, flipping through the photos.
“Hmm.”
Swipe.
“That one's kinda hot.”
Swipe.
“Nice angle.”
Swipe.
“Ohh,” she grinned as a rather cute shot of her appeared. “Maybe you should’ve been a photographer.”
Swipe.
“No!” She shook her head at a blurry unfocused shot that had her looking like a mutated potato. “Not this one.”
Delete. Swipe.
“No.” Her tone grew gruffer as she swiped and deleted a few in a row. “No. No.” She muttered under her breath. “You can’t take bad photos of me.”
“Ok, ok,” Judas agreed, nodding. “I won’t take any more photos of you.”
Her head snapped to look at him, hair
swinging out and smacking Jonah in the face beside her. “No. I didn’t say that! I just don’t want to know about it and if there are pictures, they better not be bad ones!”
Judas swallowed and touched the base of his neck. “So, um, what?” He leaned forward. “Only take good photos?”
JJ nodded and smiled. “And try to catch me by surprise. Delete any that aren’t flattering.”
“Ok,” Judas smiled back. “I can do that.”
“Good,” she said, standing and heading to the bathroom, phone still in her hand.
The brothers watched the door close with matching looks of confusion.
“Why’d she take the phone with her?” Judas asked.
Jonah shrugged. “No idea.”
“Women are confusing. She told us what she wants, but it could be completely different tomorrow. How are we supposed to keep up?”
Jonah opened his mouth to reply when the bathroom door swung back open.
JJ beamed, clicking away on the phone as she rejoined them on the couch with a devilish grin.
“Let’s listen to these prank calls!”
Part III - Prank Call Boogie
“They’re not drunk or high enough yet. Wait until they think they’re hilarious," Jonah said after the first few were nothing more than hang-ups.
JJ hit play on the fourth one.
“Hey, what’s a zombie say to another zombie? Braaaains!” Laughter erupted, followed by another bad joke. “I’ve got a question for you zombie exterminators. How do you know when you’re dealing with smart zombies? They’re wearing helmets!” A chorus of laughs sounded from the speaker. The guy was obviously entertaining his friends.
Jonah and Judas shook their heads.
JJ’s brow scrunched. “They really think this is amusing?”
“Sadly, yes,” Jonah answered.
“Hey, let me have it,” someone yelled from the background and after a moment, a new voice shared their favorite joke. “Have you heard about the website UndeadDates.com? It’s like Facebook but for zombies and instead of a ‘Poke’ button, it has a ‘Bite’ button!”
More laughs came and JJ rolled her eyes before hitting the delete button.
The next message started with heavy breathing panting into the phone. “Hello?” a hushed female voice asked, accompanied by sounds of movement. Both Jonah and Judas turned their heads to listen closer. “I think they’re trying to get me. They’ve been outside my house all night. I’m not sure what they’re doing, they didn’t want my candy when I answered the door. I think… I think they want, my braaaaiinnnns!” Laughter, whoops and shouts burst from the speaker.
JJ’s mouth fell open. “Oh my god, these people are horrible.”
“Yep,” Jonah nodded.
Another message played. “I have a serious question about zombies. Was Jesus the first one? And if I use my time machine and travel back to the first Easter and kill him, would that end zombies for all time? Would that put you out of a job? Do you think someone would pay me for it?”
Delete.
“How do you two stand this?”
“We don’t even bother listening to them, we delete them the next morning and go on with our day.”
JJ shook her head. “Now I see why you guys hate Halloween so much.”
“April Fool’s Day isn’t any better,” Judas said, reaching for a drink of his beer, but stopping short when the voice on the newest message spoke. Jonah too, turned to listen.
“Uh, hey guys, this is Burt.” There was a pause before he continued. “Burt from Pests B’ Gone. I realize this is your one night off a year and I’m not your favorite person, but there’s something going on here.” He coughed into the speaker, a long hacking cough.
“Who is, Burt?” JJ asked.
Jonah raised his hand, holding up one finger as he stared at the phone.
“Someone attacked my neighbors, tore the flesh right off them. I watched it through the window. This woman dressed like a slutty Cinderella and two men in suits outta Men In Black or something. They tried to get in here, then they went next door, busted in and ate Bob Johnson and his wife, before heading down the street to the next house. I was dumbfounded because a couple of minutes later my half-eaten neighbors, they got up and started shuffling around their living room. Only, it wasn’t them. They aren’t doing any of the stuff they normally do. They’re just bumping into each other and bleeding all over the place. They—”
A loud thump sounded in the background and Burt’s voice returned, sounding distracted. “Look, guys, I know things didn’t end well with Pests B’ Gone and you, but give me a call, please?”
JJ looked back and forth between them, seeing looks of concern on both of their faces. “So, who’s Burt and what happened?”
“He’s the guy we used to work with before we started doing this,” Jonah waved his hand around vaguely at the garage. “He got us fired from our jobs at Pests B’ Gone. It was a misunderstanding, but the boss fired us instead of him.”
JJ’s face soured at that. The idea of someone making her boys look bad made her simmer. "Was he joking like the others?”
“No,” Jonah replied. “He may be a bit of a dumbass but he wouldn’t do that.”
“What are we gonna do, Jonah?” Judas asked.
Jonah shook his head and put his hands on his forehead.
“This shit isn’t funny anymore,” Judas said.
“Never was, Judas. Halloween’s our worst nightmare.”
JJ played the next message.
The sounds of someone pretending to be a baby crying filled the air, followed by a woman’s voice. “What did the baby zombie ask her mother? Mommy, do I have daddy’s eyes? The mother replied, Yes honey, you do. Now eat them before they grow cold!”
JJ grimaced and hit play on another message. “It's from Burt's number."
Burt’s voice whispered from the speaker. “Something’s not right. I’m peeking out from behind my curtains, I can see forms shambling around on the streets. That woman and those two men got in a van parked down on the corner of Cheshire and Oklahoma. They’re just sitting there in the dark.”
A rustling sounded and Burt’s voice returned at a much higher pitch. “Someone’s at my back door.”
The sound of movement filled the speaker and Jonah stood from the couch. “C’mon, Judas.”
Judas looked up from the phone. “Really?”
Jonah answered with a small nod. “This doesn’t seem like a joke.”
“It’s one of my neighbors, Tom.” Burt’s voice came back. “He’s having a party. He uh…” Burt’s voice shook, “he’s probably just here to uh, oh no… Tom, are you okay?” Silence filled the air, then a muffled groan came through the speaker followed by shattering glass.
In the brother’s living room, they all froze as the sound blasted from the speaker.
“You can’t just come in here, Tom. You need to… hey, stay back. What are you doing? Let go of my arm! ‘Tom!” More glass shattered. “Hey, stop it, my brains aren’t that tasty!” The message ended.
JJ watched as Judas got up and ran to his bedroom, Jonah had already disappeared into the old fire proof locker they used as their armory. She reached down and scratched Xanadu behind the ears. “Guess we’re going out after all,” she smiled. “I’ll get Larry ready.”
Part IV - Great Balls of Fire
JJ stood near the door, tugging the ends of a red and black sweater over Larry’s chest. Judas came up behind her, mouth hanging open as he took in the sight. “What is this?”
JJ grinned at him and spun Larry around. His shirt matched JJ’s in theme, a male cheerleading top with ZX emblazoned across the front and on the back, the number eighty-six.
When Jonah emerged from the small weapon’s locker at the rear of the garage, his forehead scrunched and he blinked to make sure of what he was seeing. He bit hard on his tongue to stifle the laugh that bubbled up, but couldn’t help letting it out.
“What are you doing?” He set a duffel ba
g full of guns and ammo on the ground and peered at JJ.
Judas shook his head, chuckling.
“It’s Larry’s costume,” JJ smiled. “Since we’re going out, I figured I could dress him up and…” She raised up on her tiptoes beaming at Jonah.
“Grrggh,” Larry groaned and leaned toward JJ, his toothless mouth dripping saliva on the floor as she pushed him back.
“We’re not taking Larry out.”
“Oh, c’mon,” JJ pouted. “Larry never gets to do anything. It’s the one night he CAN go out!”
Jonah's lip curled. “No. We can’t keep him from grabbing people and trying to gum them to death all night while we’re cleaning up whatever is happening in Burt’s neighborhood.”
“He won’t grab anyone,” JJ reached over and raised the cheer sweater at the waist. Underneath it, a rope harness crisscrossed his dead flesh. From the sides, short ropes came out and bound his wrists, keeping them from moving more than a couple of inches.
Jonah’s brow furrowed even further. “Where did you learn to do that?”
“You’re not the only one with some rope skills!” Her grin went from ear to ear.
“Ok, but what about—”
“I’ve got it covered!” JJ raised her left arm, where the black rubber band with the golf-ball sized ball hung. She slipped it free.
“Are you serious?” Jonah asked.
Beside him, Judas guffawed. “Larry’s getting a ball gag!”
“Yep,” JJ grinned, sliding it over Larry’s head, positioning the red ball in his mouth and then tightening the cinch strap.
“Gra-gh!” Larry mashed the ball uselessly.
“See,” JJ beamed. “Problem solved!”
“But—”
“Oh,” JJ held up a finger to Jonah’s lips. “And I’ve got this!” She lifted the left side of her cheer skirt, revealing a black leather collar with metal spikes strapped to her thigh. She undid it, grinning at Judas, who watched with wide eyes as she slipped it around Larry’s neck. She reached into her purse, pulling out a long chain-style leash and fastened it to the o-ring at the front of the collar. Larry lurched forward as she gave it a tug.
