The Vows We Break

by Briana Cole

  My mind was foggy and cluttered with confusion. Even after he leaned to my face while pulling me into the water to meet him, the bubbles tickling my skin and the pressure causing my sundress to rise up until it was floating on top of the water around us like a sea of floral cotton. I don’t even know who kissed who, but I did feel his soft lips against mine, coaxing them apart with his tongue. He swallowed my moan, wrapping his arms around my naked waist, pressing my body against his.

  I broke the kiss, only for him to pull me closer as he devoured the sensitive flesh on my neck. “Leo, we can’t . . .” My mind suddenly went blank, and I sighed at the welcome bliss.

  Chapter 20

  What the hell was I doing? I couldn’t help but ask myself this question repeatedly as I watched Leo down the beach, lifting Jamaal in the air. The pair looked to be thoroughly enjoying the little playtime, their laughter muffled by the crash of waves against the shore.

  I sighed as I readjusted my hat to further shield my forehead from the sun. My eyes narrowed behind the dark sunglasses. I couldn’t take my eyes off of them. They both looked so . . . happy. But where did that leave me?

  Leo loved me. He had made sure to voice that numerous times both during the intimate spa encounter yesterday, and even after when he called my room later that evening. I woke up just as confused as I had gone to bed.

  My heart belonged to Jahmad. At least I thought it did. The way he had up and shattered it into pieces, I really didn’t know which piece to follow. But my head, my head settled on pure logic. At this point, what was wrong with being with Leo? No Tina. No poly anything anymore. Just us. And our son. That’s how he had presented the idea, and to be honest, it sounded too rational to ignore. Jamaal would have his father, his real father. Because no matter how much I had tried to will it so, Jahmad was not it, nor did it appear that he wanted to be. He sure had made that clear. So I guess that old saying could apply: if I couldn’t be with the one I loved, I could love the one I was with. Jahmad had insinuated I was being selfish before. But actually considering being back with Leo, just for the sake of my son, was probably the most selfless thing I could do. Maybe I couldn’t prove it to anyone else but myself. Maybe that would have to suffice.

  I rose from the beach towel, brushing the few traces of sand from my tanned thighs. In one fluid motion, I lifted the fishnet cover over my head, revealing the black mesh one-piece that hugged my curves. I tossed the cover, my hat, and sunglasses to the ground and made my way to the water.

  It was cool, the gentle currents lapping farther and farther up my body as I eased out hip-deep into the ocean. I hated this. Here I was trying to get away to solve my problems, or maybe I was running. Shit, I was big enough to admit it. But I had done nothing but add to them. I smirked, picturing my parents’, or hell, even Adria’s reaction if I told them I might possibly get back with Leo. Holidays were about to be complete shitstorms.

  “What is it, my love?”

  Leo appeared by my side, clutching Jamaal tight in his arms. I tossed a sideways glance at the father and son, surprised when Jamaal didn’t bother reaching for me but entertained himself with Leo’s massive beard.

  “Just thinking,” I admitted, casting my eyes back out to the distance.

  “I’ve been thinking too,” he said. “I’m sorry if I am making you feel pressured. I know this is all unexpected.” Damn right it is. He paused for my response, but I merely nodded instead of voicing my thoughts. “You don’t have to decide now. Just enjoy the rest of the vacation. Get home, get settled. And can you just promise me you’ll give it some thought?”

  My nod was slight, but a nod nonetheless. I certainly had several thoughts to consider. Perhaps it was divine intervention, because I was terrified if he had asked for an answer now, he would have seen my mind was already being made up.

  He brought his face toward mine, kissing me over the top of Jamaal’s head. He lingered longer when I didn’t push him away immediately. I just felt embraced by the gentle affection, as if he was giving me reassurance. Validation.

  Leo sighed as he broke the kiss first. “Wouldn’t it be nice if we just stayed here?”

  My heart skipped a beat. Eerie, the exact thought had already crossed my mind. Damn, it must have been something in this Dominican Republic air, because no way could I be acting this senseless. None of it, not me, him, and certainly not us made any piece of sense. And yet still, the thoughts lingered.

  We headed back to our things on the beach and began packing up. The sun was already beginning to set, settling a brisk chill in the air that had me shivering. Leo handed Jamaal to me and promptly wrapped a towel around both of us. He paused with his arms around my shoulders, as if he was going to say something else, when a ringing cell phone pierced the silence. Leo glanced at me, and I gestured toward the beach bag on his shoulder. “Yours,” I answered his curious look. “Haven’t turned mine on since we got here.”

  A mask of worry creased his face, and he sighed before digging into the bag and pulling out the noisy device. He eyed the screen before swiping to decline the call. It was quick. Very quick. But I was able to make out that the contact’s name was T. Of course he would still be fucking with Tina.

  For some reason, that angered me, and I stomped away like I had a damn reason for acting like some betrayed lover. Wasn’t I still in my feelings about Jahmad?

  Leo caught my forearm. “What is it, my love?”

  It seemed silly to assume it was her. After all, she had tried to kill him. But at the end of the day, the woman had been his wife. Was some foolish, stupid love still there between them? “Are you sure you’re still not seeing Tina?” My question was more accusatory, but at that point, I really didn’t care.

  Leo frowned in confusion, then slow realization as he put the pieces together. He shook his head. “It’s not what you think—”

  “Because I can’t do this again, Leo.” I was near hysteria with bottled emotions. “I’ve been down this road with you, and it almost got me killed, not to mention thrown in jail. And the abuse and the secrets and, just, everything. I can’t do it.”

  Leo hugged me, sandwiching Jamaal between us. “Sssshhh, you don’t have to,” he said calmly. “I’m sorry. For everything.”

  That broke me. I let the tears fall as he cradled my head on his shoulder. I cried for everything and nothing at all. I cried for past, present, and future. I cried certain tears of uncertainty and crystal clear confusion that left me completely exhausted. And meanwhile, Leo kissed my damp cheeks, murmuring his apologies that I knew in my heart he meant, but I was still afraid of the forgiveness.

  I let Leo stay in my room that night. Sex aside, because, hell, at this point, I wouldn’t have been able to get my kitty wet if I submerged her in the tub. No, my mind was cluttered, my heart hurt, and my body was exhausted, so it felt damn good to lie in Leo’s arms and just be. He had always been protective, aside from the abuse, but there was no question I immediately felt comforted by his presence.

  “You said you haven’t turned on your phone since you got here?” Leo asked suddenly, bringing up my earlier statement on the beach. His deep voice echoed in the darkened room.

  “No.”

  “What about your folks? Do they know you’re here?”

  “No.”

  He sighed, and I immediately felt guilty. “They’re probably worried,” he said. “And your friend. I know you all are very close.”

  “I know,” I admitted. I didn’t even want to begin to think about the missed messages I had waiting when I finally turned that thing back on.

  “I’m leaving out early in the morning. I have some things to take care of.”

  I swallowed the slight swell of disappointment. We, or at least I, had two more days left on my vacation. I had to admit, I had begun to welcome Leo’s company, especially when it came to Jamaal. “We’ll talk more when you get back?” He phrased it like a question.

  “Yes, we’ll talk,” I agreed. A lingering forehead kiss, first fo
r Jamaal, and then me, then he left me alone with my thoughts.

  I got up and fixed a few pillows around Jamaal’s sleeping frame. Then I crossed to my purse and pulled out my phone. It had gone cold from lack of use, and I powered it on, searching my bag for the charger because I wasn’t sure about the remaining battery life. It glowed to life and one by one the notifications appeared on my screen. Adria. Adria. Mom. Keon. Mom. Mom. Adria. I swiped through the missed calls. None from Jahmad. Why did I really expect any?

  I sat on the bed, listening to the voicemails. Of course, Adria was worried. Where the hell was I? Why wasn’t I answering? I figured as much. I clicked through, deleting them until I came to the one from my mom that had fear gripping every fiber in my body. A message from two days ago.

  It took me a moment to piece together what she was saying through the tears clogging her voice, but certain words I could make out as clearly as if she had been uttering them in the room right next to me. Dad. Hospital. Poison. Serious. Dying.

  Chapter 21

  I didn’t understand how things had happened so fast.

  The last time I saw my father, he was on his way to the church before Jahmad stopped by the house. He was happy, healthy, joking. Not at all like the shred of a man that had inhabited him for these past few months. I had been so wrapped up in everything I was going through, never did I consider the last time I saw him like that would be the last time I saw him.

  Jamaal and I caught the first plane out of Punta Cana. After two layovers, lots of prayer, cranky tears from Jamaal and a number of fearful ones of my own, we landed back in Atlanta, and I was damn near on two wheels trying to get to Southern Regional. The entire way, I was toggling speed-dialed calls between my mom, Adria, and Keon. Hell, I even chanced Jahmad. Everyone’s phone was going straight to voicemail, which I could only attribute to the poor-ass reception in the hospital. At least that’s what I tried to focus on rather than the rising panic the more time passed by without any indication what the hell was going on.

  This must have been how they felt trying to reach me while I was away, and the guilt clawed at my heart. If something happened to my father . . . I shook my head to dispel the negative thoughts even as the hospital came into view and had my heart slamming against my chest. I couldn’t afford to think that way.

  Several pair of eyes landed on me as I approached the waiting room on the sixth floor, pushing Jamaal’s stroller underneath the large sign with the words “Intensive Care Unit” displayed. It felt like it took everything in me to make it upstairs after I had called around and discovered that was where my dad was. How did he get up here in a matter of days?

  I hadn’t even opened my mouth to ask the question when Keon broke from the huddle and approached me first, grabbing my forearm and steering me clear of the rest of my family.

  He was scared and worried, that much was clear. But even in the midst of that I could easily detect anger bubbling under the surface.

  “Key—”

  “Where the hell have you been?” he snapped, lowering his voice.

  “Wait, why are you mad? What happened to Daddy?”

  “So good to know you finally care.”

  “Of course I care. What kind of shit is that to say?”

  “We have been looking for you for days. Worried about you. Jamaal. But yet again you don’t give a damn about anybody else but Kimera.”

  I was stunned silent. My brother was known for being direct and he sure didn’t hold back. I knew everyone would probably be in their little feelings about me going MIA for a week, but damn. Was it that serious?

  “Listen,” I said, matching his anger for anger. “You worried about me getting away for a few days and I really don’t care. I’m worried about my dad. You can save your little bullshit for later.”

  “Nah, my little bullshit is the reason why you don’t even know what the hell is going on,” he said, narrowing his eyes. “The ones who need to know know. You can keep doing what you been doing, li’l sis.”

  He turned around and headed back down the hall, stopping Adria as she passed him obviously coming in my direction.

  Their exchange was brief, him stepping in front to block her path and her rolling her eyes and pushing past him anyway. About her coming to my rescue, no doubt. He would push the issue later.

  “Hey, girl.” She greeted me with a hug, her voice weary. Her red-rimmed eyes were glassy, and tears dried on her sunken cheeks. She looked like she had aged in a matter of days, and that shook me up even more.

  “Adria, what is going on?” I questioned. “I got the message about Dad, Keon is acting like he done lost his damn mind—”

  “He was worried. We all were.”

  “I left you a message.”

  She nodded as if dismissing my rationale. It was obvious her mind was on the more important issue at hand. I calmed down on a sigh. “What happened?”

  Adria started quivering and biting back another swell of tears. “It’s not looking good,” she whispered. Her voice broke, and she took a breath before speaking again. “We are still waiting on the results from the tests. He’s in a coma. They don’t . . .” Adria trailed off, and I bit beck my own fear.

  “How—what happened?”

  “Mom rushed him here a few days ago. He was complaining of stomach pain, running off, throwing up. Fever, chills. At first they thought the flu or a really bad virus. But he just got worse. Now . . .” She trailed off and put a trembling hand to her mouth as if she were afraid of the words she was about to utter. “He doesn’t look too good, Kimmy. He’s lost his hair. He’s not being as responsive. Like he’s slowly slipping—”

  I shook my head adamantly, refusing to believe her conclusion. “I need to see him.”

  “It’s restricted,” Adria said. “So only one person at a time, and it’s only during certain hours.” And as if knowing I needed it, Adria wrapped her arms around me, which had my body braced against hers for support.

  She led me back to my family, still standing around in a circle. They were holding hands, and it was clear I had interrupted the prayer session. I was mildly surprised to see Jahmad among the faces, his expression just as solemn with the sad news.

  I positioned Jamaal’s stroller in the middle of the circle and stood between my mom and Adria as they again bowed their heads. I tried my best to concentrate on my mother’s words, but I was murmuring a silent prayer of my own, guilt-ridden with my own absence while my father lay dying.

  Time ticked on, and eventually nightfall brought a new staff with still no new news of my father’s condition. Jahmad had whispered something in my mom’s ear and given her a kiss on the cheek before he left without so much as a glance in my direction.

  After a long while of pleading and insisting, Keon finally convinced a very reluctant Adria to go home and get some rest. She offered to take Jamaal with her and I agreed, noticing how fussy he was, whether in or out the stroller.

  Now it was just me, Keon, and my mom left, and, as if she needed a distraction, she turned to me with a forced smile and watery eyes. “So Adria tells me you went out of town,” she said. “Did you enjoy yourself?”

  Though her question was simple enough, I still felt bad. “I’m sorry I didn’t call, Mama. I just needed to get away, and I never thought—didn’t think—”

  She shushed me with a gentle pat to my hand. “No, of course you didn’t. I’m not mad about that. You were stressed, I could tell. I was worried, but after Adria told me you were okay, I was just glad you were able to get away for a little bit.”

  I nodded. At least she was being understanding. That was certainly more than I could say for my brother. And Jahmad, I thought, remembering how he had ignored me.

  “And JayJay? Did he do okay with the travel?”

  I nodded again. “He did great.” Especially considering his father was there, but I certainly saw no need to mention that part of the story.

  I debated asking my next question and decided against it. My mom looked so
fragile right now, and it seemed like any mention of my father would cause a nervous breakdown. It seemed like she was searching desperately for something, anything to talk about instead.

  “I bought a house,” I announced, though given the circumstances their initial excitement wasn’t there.

  My mom’s smile was small, but a smile nonetheless. “That’s great, sweetie,” she said. “I’m so glad. We are going to miss you and JayJay around the house.”

  That was all it took; she cracked and began sobbing into the open palms of her hands. Keon immediately wrapped his arm around her limp shoulders and she leaned into him.

  “I don’t know what happened.” Her voice was muffled by her hands. “Oh, God, why?”

  When panic had her tone lifting, her voice echoing even louder in the waiting room, Keon hoisted her to feet and shuffled off with her down the hall, their steps slow and dragging with the weight of their grief.

  They hadn’t returned yet when a doctor walked toward me and leaned down, a clipboard in hand.

  “Are you here for Pastor Michael Davis?”

  I rose quickly and nodded. “Yes.”

  “Sandra Davis?”

  “No, that’s my mother. I’m his daughter, Kimera. Is everything all right? Can I see him?”

  The doctor sighed, as if he were afraid of the answer. “Is your mother around? It’s probably best if I speak to her first.”

  My mom shuffled back into the lobby, a balled-up tissue in hand. She stopped as she noticed the doctor, then moved hesitantly closer in our direction.

  The two stepped to the side out of earshot, the doctor’s lips moving, small and unreadable.

  “My bad, sis,” Keon said suddenly at my side as we watched them both. “I’m not really mad at you. Just the situation. We all were here. Even Tyree and that girl CeeCee. And when he asked for you and you weren’t here . . .”

  I nodded. Fear had us all looking for someone to blame. Unfortunately, I had no one to point the finger at but myself either.

  “I just want to see him,” I said, almost to myself.