The Deepest Breath
Page 3
Or a firefighter
But I really don’t think that
That’s what my heart was trying to tell me
My mum
Loves me
So much
I know it as much as I feel it
Which is
Lots and lots
And for sure
I have exactly 42 pages left
Of my book
About fish
And then
Surely
After 274 whole pages
I’ll know all
There is
To know
The Sea section of my notebook is the longest yet
It takes up pages and pages and pages
Because the sea is big
So the list of things to know
Is just as big
But I’m almost there
I know that bull sharks
Are the crankiest type of shark
That they’re territorial
And they’ll snap if you barge into their space
Which I think is understandable
And that they don’t like
Bright colors
At all
And my mum says
They’re the teenagers of the sea
And I’m not sure what exactly she means by that
But she made herself laugh when she said it
So that’s good
I know that the Spirobranchus giganteus
Is also called the
Christmas tree worm
Because that’s what it looks like
A little Christmas tree
All bright and small and cute
Tiny colorful fir forests
Decorating coral reefs
I know that sea angels
Are actually called
Cliones
And that they’re called angels
Because they’re translucent
And kind of cute
And ethereal
And they float around
Like
Tiny little angels
Though I would’ve called them
Sea ghosts
Because that’s what they look like
To me
Spooky and lonely
I know that the fin whale
Is the second biggest
After the blue whale
And that they’re longer
And thinner
Like big chunky eels
I watched a video of one
Leaping up out of the water
Its whole gigantic body streaming out
Long and lanky and beautiful in a scary way
It gave me nightmares
But I watched it again the next day anyway
I know that octopuses
(Not octopi
I know that too)
Have three hearts
Two of them pump blood
(Which is blue
Another thing I know!)
To their gills
And the third heart
Pumps blood to all the other organs
I know that that one stops working when the octopus swims
Which is why they like to crawl around
With their eight tentacles
Which, I know,
Each has a brain of its own
One big brain in the octopus’s head
And eight smaller ones in each tentacle
Nine brains!
Imagine how much you could know with nine brains
I like octopuses
I think if I were an animal
I’d like to be an octopus
Even though the sea is scary
I think all that fear
Might be worth it
For three hearts
Nine brains
And blue blood
Andrew comes over after school
Sometimes
When his dad has work
We watch movies
Or we play games on the computer
But today
We bake cookies
Andrew is great at baking
Especially cookies
He barely even needs to look at the recipe
Even though he keeps his recipe book in his backpack
It’s a notebook
Smaller than mine
And bright red
And it used to be shiny
But now it’s covered in stickers
It has sticky notes and magazine cuttings poking out
And shiny paper clips holding everything together
It looks cool
It looks
Like it belongs to Andrew
Like even if a stranger found it
They would know
It was Andrew’s
Because it couldn’t possibly belong to anyone else
He never lets me look inside
Because he says his recipes are
Top Secret
And will make him
Super Famous
Someday
And I’m pretty sure
He’s right
My job is finding things
Eggs, flour, butter, sugar, chocolate chips
So Andrew can do
Whatever it is he does
He looks happy when he bakes
He laughs more
Even at my worst jokes
And he smiles the whole time
Except for when he focuses
Really hard
And then his tongue pokes out
He looks funny
In the most brilliant way
When Andrew slides the tray into the oven
And sets our pink piggy-shaped oven timer
For 20 minutes
I decide
That I’m going to ask him
I ask Andrew
Because just like me
Andrew knows a lot of things
But Andrew
Knows things
That I don’t
Andrew knows things
That I never even thought to know
He knows how much sugar goes into cookies
And how to make even the tallest cake stand up straight
He knows what sodium bicarbonate does
How to make icing
And what gluten is
“Hey
Andy
You know
Chloe”
My voice sounds scratchy
And higher than usual
Like it’s had to squeeze every word out of me
“Chloe who sits with us?
Magic Chloe?”
Magic Chloe
I like that
I file it away
In the back of my head
“Yeah
What do you
Think about
Her?
Like
Do you
Like her?”
“Like her?
Or like her like her?”
Oh
Oh
I’m not sure what to say
So I settle for
“Either
I guess”
He plops down on the floor
Cross-legged in front of the oven
His nose nearly pressed up against the glass of the door
Andrew is very protective of his cookies
“I like her”
He says
Eventually
“She’s nice
And she’s good at magic
I still don’t know how she does the thing with the balls
You know when there’s three then—”
“Then five
I can’t figure it out either!”
We smile at each other
Real smiles
But there’s a worry in my chest
A Worry
That Andrew likes Chloe
Likes her likes her
And if he likes her
Then maybe she likes him
Likes him likes him
And that idea
That Idea
Makes me
Sad
Immeasurably sad
Painfully sad
“But”
He says then
“I don’t think
I like her
More than that
I don’t think so”
And he stares at the cookies
The hot orange glow on his face
Makes his eyes
Sparkle a bit
And it looks
In that moment
It looks like he has
Just as many thoughts
Just as many
Questions
As I do
And I don’t know
If I feel better
Or worse
“Do you like
I mean
Like
Anyone?”
I don’t look at him when I ask
I couldn’t
Even if I really really wanted to
But when I do peek up
He isn’t looking at me
Either
“I don’t know”
He says it so quietly I almost miss it
“Maybe”
And then the timer goes off
And we look at each other
In a way I think only
Friends
Can
A way that means
“I don’t know either
But I’m with you”
And I say
“I didn’t think it would be so hard to tell”
And he says
“Me neither”
Soft and sad
And we take out the cookies
And they’re perfect
As always
Chloe is definitely my friend now
I think she was before
But I know she is now
She runs up to me in the morning
All smiles and questions
“How are you?
Did you do the math homework?
Did you think number three was impossible because I sure did?
Do you like magic?
Have you read the new Wizards of Westerly Station book?
Who was your favorite?
Did you cry when Steph died?
Do you have any brothers?
Or sisters?
What do your parents do?
Does she like it?
Where’s your dad?
Do you miss him?
What did you have for breakfast?”
I’ve never talked this much
To anyone
Maybe Mum
But definitely
No one else
But I answer all her questions
And I don’t even mind
“I’m good
Yes, I did
Number three was hard but I got it in the end
Magic is cool, I guess
I’m only on book three of Wizards
Steph was my favorite until
Yeah, I cried when she died
No
No
My mum works in an office
I think she likes it
A few hours away
No, not really
Weetabix, you?”
And she tells me she had toast
And tea
And I think that sounds
Very grown-up
So I decide to try some tea
Tomorrow morning
At lunch Chloe sits on my bench with me
I read my sea life book
While she practices her magic tricks
I get to a page about the barreleye fish
Which is one of the scariest
So far
It lives deep down
And has eyes like telescopes
And a head
You can see
Right through
I start to breathe
In a different
Pattern
In out in in in out in
And I can’t
Fix
It
No matter how
Hard
I’m
Trying
Then Chloe puts down her deck of cards
And slides closer to me
“You OK?”
I nod
“Are you sure?
Just
You’re breathing weird?”
I want to run away
I want to run all the way home
And maybe
If I could catch my breath
I would
But I can’t so I don’t
So instead
I just tell her the truth
“I’m just
Scared”
She bites her lip
She’s worried
I’ve made her worry
“But it’s fine—”
“Of the book?”
She takes it from my hands
And looks at the page I’m on
Looks at the fish
And I imagine her laughing
Calling me a wimp
But instead
She slams it closed
And shivers dramatically
“Oh
Wow
No wonder you’re scared
Why are you reading this?”
So I tell her
I want to know
Everything I can
“Even if it scares you?”
“Especially”
I say
“Because maybe
If I know enough about it
I won’t be scared anymore”
She looks at the book
Thoughtfully
And opens it to the page about the barreleye
“You’re so brave”
She says
Quietly
And even though I don’t feel brave
Not in the slightest
Even though my breathing is still wonky
I decide to believe her
Just then
Just for a minute
“I’ll trade you”
Chloe says
Like an old-timey merchant
Like I should prepare to barter
“Trade for what?”
“Information!”
She whispers it
Conspiratorially
And I feel
So suddenly
Like we’re spies
On opposing missions
Working together
Against all the odds
And I stop focusing
So much
On my weird breathing
This
I’ve realized
Is one of the very best things
About Chloe
One minute
You’re just sitting on a bench
In the cold
In a gray schoolyard
And then
You’re a spy
Or a pirate
You’re in space
Looking at Pluto
Or in the Amazon
Studying jaguars
With Chloe
You can go anywhere
Or be anything
In an instant
Without even leaving your favorite bench
Chloe has a whole world in her
And she’s so good at sharing it
“OK”
I whisper back
Leaning in really close
“I’ll tell you
A highly classified
Magicians-only secret
If you tell me
Something
About—”
I hold my breath
“Fish!”
“Fish?”
“Yeah!”
She’s beaming
“Why?”
“Because”
She says
“You k
now so much
You’re always reading that book”
I hold it to my chest
Suddenly and strangely protective
Defensive
Maybe
I feel very seen
All of a sudden
“And I just think it’s so—”
And
I’m
Holding
My
Breath
Again
So what?
So weird?
So dorky?
So dumb?
“Cool”
She says
And when I look at her
She’s blushing
Which makes my palms feel hot
And clammy
“I’ll tell you everything I know”
I mutter
And she smiles
We decide to start the
Information trade
On Monday
So I have all weekend
To choose my very best facts
After school I spend all evening
In my book
Making notes about
The batfish
Ogcocephalus darwini
A fish with big red lips
That crawls along the seafloor
Because it can’t swim so well
Until I’m sleepy
In a heavy way
Like my brain
Has reached its maximum capacity
It’s all full up
On facts and feelings and thoughts and thoughts and thoughts
When Mum comes to say good night
I’m already
On the very edge of sleep
But I see her
Take in the mess on my desk
The paper storm
And do a little chuckle
Then she kisses me on the forehead
For five full seconds
And I’m asleep
Before she’s even left the room