The Deepest Breath

by Meg Grehan

  seven

  Mum doesn’t work Saturdays

  So Saturdays are

  Together days

  We get up early

  Not as early as schooldays

  Too early

  But a nice kind of early

  When the sun is still new and the sky is bright

  We make pancakes

  The thick kind

  That fill you up straightaway

  And make you feel warm in your middle

  And we cover them with strawberries

  And sticky syrup

  And we drink hot chocolate

  Usually

  This time I ask for tea

  And Mum looks at me

  Funny

  But she says OK

  And takes my favorite mug from the cupboard

  And when she hands me my tea

  She kisses the top of my head

  And that makes me feel warm in my middle

  Too

  Tea is weird

  It tastes heavy

  And grown-up

  I add more and more milk

  And two spoons of sugar

  Only when Mum isn’t looking

  But by the end

  I think I like it

  After breakfast we do our chores

  Mum does the dishes

  I water the plants

  All three million

  My mum really likes plants

  I fold all the dry clothes

  And Mum puts our bedclothes in the wash

  We open the windows

  And let the cold air come in

  And sweep over everything

  Until it’s all fresh and lovely and cool

  Then we get our blankets

  From the closet

  And pour popcorn into the biggest bowls we have

  And we burrow into blanket nests on the couch

  And we watch a movie

  This week it’s Mum’s turn to choose the movie

  So it’s black-and-white

  And sounds a little

  Fuzzy

  Black-and-white movies

  Make me feel

  Sleepy

  But

  My mum

  Loves them so

  I try my very hardest to stay awake

  As awake as a person can be

  But I wake up somewhere near the end

  To my mum

  Crying

  Just a bit

  Quiet and private and important

  And I don’t

  Know what

  To do

  I keep my eyes closed

  Though that makes the word

  Cowardly

  Flash on my eyelids

  In angry colors

  Blood-red cowardly

  Fire-orange cowardly

  Deep, endless green cowardly

  Ocean blue

  Inky violet

  Colorful cowardice

  Is all I see and all I am

  And Mum sniffles

  And I try to tell myself

  “Self

  You are eleven

  You are a child

  It’s OK

  You are not a—”

  But I can’t listen

  Because my mum is crying

  And I’m right here

  Leaving her all alone

  I know that mums can cry

  It’s a thing that the smart part of my head knows

  But that the squishy part

  Refuses to know

  To believe

  I need my mum to be

  OK

  To be good and fine and

  OK

  Because I worry

  About

  So

  So much

  But I don’t worry

  About my mum

  Because if I worried about my mum

  If I let the Bad Thoughts

  Stray toward her

  I would shrivel

  I would crumple

  I would

  Stop

  I need my mum to be OK

  Because I don’t know enough yet

  To save her

  To fix her

  To make her

  OK

  So I need her to be

  OK

  Until I know enough

  Until I know it

  All

  Until I can protect her

  Until I can keep her safe

  Until I know

  How

  I keep my eyes squeezed shut

  And Mum sniffles one more time

  Lets out a big breath

  And gets up

  And pads out to the kitchen

  All wrapped up in her fluffy bathrobe

  And I stay

  Very

  Very

  Still

  And I try to stop

  The flurry

  Of thoughts

  The mess in my head

  The imaginings

  The ideas

  Every possible

  Reason

  Fighting for attention

  All dashing around

  Trying to find the weakest parts of me

  The parts that will listen

  She’s crying because—

  She’s sad because—

  She’s scared because—

  Because because because because

  And parts of me

  Believe them all

  Mum knows that something

  Is weird

  Is off

  But she doesn’t know what

  So she makes me a hot chocolate

  And asks

  If I want to watch another movie

  My choice this time

  She says she’ll braid my hair how I like

  And maybe we’ll even make chili

  (My favorite)

  For dinner tonight

  And I feel guilty

  I feel guilty

  Guilty

  Guilty

  I feel full up and heavy with it

  So that my brain

  Is spinning in circles

  Trying to get away from it

  We watch another movie

  About spies and assassins

  The funniest one I could think of

  But nothing seems very funny

  This time

  Although Mum laughs

  Big and loud

  We do have chili for dinner

  And we talk about how cold it’s getting

  And how I need a new coat

  Because the sleeves are too short now

  Or my arms are too long now

  And we try to decide what to get my auntie Judith

  For her birthday

  In two weeks

  And the whole time

  I’m pretty sure

  Only half of me is there

  At the table

  And the other half

  Has separated

  Has slipped out of me

  And is floating around my mum like a ghost

  Trying to find out what’s wrong

  Trying to find out how to make it

  Better

  I have a dream that night

  That my mum

  Is crying

  She’s crying and crying and crying

  Downstairs

  On the couch

  And her tears are pooling on the floor

  First a puddle

  Then a pool

  Then a lake

  A sea

  An ocean

  Filling our house up like

  An aquarium

  The couch is floating

  Bobbing against the ceiling

  And Mum is still crying crying crying

  And the water is spilling into every room

  Banging doors open

  Pushing against windows

  Sweeping the furniture up

  And I’m in my room

  Standing at the door
r />   And my toes are wet

  And if I could just

  Move

  If I could just

  Go

  And my ankles are wet

  And if I could just

  Get to her

  And

  Comfort her

  And tell her

  It’s OK

  Then

  I could stop this

  Then

  I could save us

  Then

  I could save her

  But my calves are wet

  My knees are wet

  My thighs

  My hips

  My stomach

  My arms

  My chest

  My shoulders

  And I don’t move

  And I don’t do

  Anything

  And it’s all my fault

  And then I wake up

  And the water is gone

  And the pressure ringing in my ears is gone

  And I am dry and safe and warm

  But the blame

  Still squirms in my stomach

  I can’t get back to sleep

  I try to read

  I try to count sheep

  I try staying very

  Very still

  But I can’t sleep

  I have pictures on my eyelids

  Mum crying

  Chloe falling

  Me forgetting how to breathe

  Clowns and

  Zombies

  And ocean and ocean and ocean

  And my chest is starting to feel like

  Someone’s wrapped elastic bands around my middle

  And I can’t—

  Dash dot dash dash

  Dash dash dash

  Dot dot dash

  Dot dash

  Dot dash dash

  Dot dash

  Dash dot dash

  Dot

  You awake?

  We learned Morse code

  A few years ago

  After my dad moved away

  For the first few nights

  I slept in Mum’s bed

  So we could keep each other

  Company

  So we could keep each other

  Safe

  So we could read together until sleep won us over

  So I could wake her in the morning when she turned off her alarm

  So she could wake me when I had nightmares

  I had them most nights

  Clowns at the foot of the bed

  Red noses and wild eyes and big toothy grins

  Zombies at the front door

  Skin peeling away and bones sticking out

  And me

  Trapped

  Mum got really good at knowing when they were happening

  So she could wake me

  Earlier every time

  Until eventually

  I barely even heard the clown start to laugh

  Or the zombie groan

  Just Mum

  Saying

  “OK

  It’s OK

  You’re OK”

  Until my lungs remembered how to work right

  Mum got good at waking me

  And I got good at trusting her to wake me

  And the clowns must’ve known

  Because they stopped visiting so much

  And then they just

  Stopped

  Altogether

  And when they stopped

  It was time to go back

  To my own room

  By myself

  I didn’t sleep at first

  And I snuck back into Mum’s bed

  A couple of times

  But she would wake

  And trot me back in

  And tuck me in

  And check under the bed

  And in the wardrobe

  And turn off the light

  And it would all just

  Start over

  After a week

  We were exhausted

  Both of us

  So we went to the library

  And we found a book

  On Morse code

  And we copied out the whole entire alphabet

  On pieces of paper

  That we stuck on the wall beside our beds

  We were super slow

  At first

  And we got confused

  A lot

  But after a while

  We were Morse code experts

  Whizzes

  We could send dots and dashes

  Without even checking the paper on the wall

  And after another while

  We didn’t even really need to anymore

  Because we knew

  We could

  If we wanted to

  And I could sleep

  Again

  Dash dot dash dash

  Dot

  Dot dot dot

  Yes

  I reply

  Knocks with my knuckle

  Not too hard

  Not too soft

  Not too fast

  Not too slow

  Just the right length between letters

  And I wait

  But Mum doesn’t send anything back

  So I bite my tongue

  And put my knuckle to the wall

  And check the tatty paper on the wall

  Just to make absolutely sure

  I get it right

  Dot dash

  Dot dash dot

  Dot

  Dash dot dash dash

  Dash dash dash

  Dot dot dash

  Dash dash dash

  Dash dot dash

  Are you OK?

  And then

  Dot dot

  Dot dot dot dot

  Dot

  Dot dash

  Dot dash dot

  Dash dot dot

  Dash dot dash dash

  Dash dash dash

  Dot dot dash

  Dash dot dash dot

  Dot dash dot

  Dash dot dash dash

  I heard you cry

  I hear the springs of Mum’s bed

  Creak

  Then the floorboards

  Then her door

  And then my light is switched on

  And Mum is sitting on my bed

  Looking confused and worried and sleepy

  “When?”

  She asks

  Taking my hands

  Today

  I tell her

  During the movie

  And she looks down

  And then

  She lets out a little

  Sigh

  And I think she must be

  Crying again

  So I sit up

  Ready to comfort her

  To tell her it

  Whatever it is

  Will be OK

  And that I’m here

  With her

  For her

  But she isn’t crying

  “Stevie”

  She looks into my eyes

  In a way that I think means

  This is the truth and you must listen to it

  “Everything is

  Completely

  One hundred percent

  Fine

  I was crying

  Because the movie

  Was sad

  Because it made me feel sad

  And think of sad things

  So I cried

  And then

  When I was done crying

  I felt

  Better

  I felt OK again

  Not all bad things

  Are big bad things

  Not all sad things

  Are big sad things

  Sometimes they just come and go

  Just visitors

  And we don’t need to be

  Afraid of them

  OK?”

  Oh

  The relief is warm on my skin

  And warmer in my chest

&n
bsp; Which has been

  Aching

  All day

  But now

  Feels

  Still

  And

  Calm

  “Were you worried?”

  Mum asks

  And I don’t need to answer

  She knows already

  “Stevie

  You don’t need to worry

  About me

  I’m OK

  And if I’m ever not OK

  It isn’t your job to worry about it

  Or to fix me

  OK?

  It’s OK

  It’s all OK”

  She looks at me

  Really carefully

  And she asks

  “Do you worry

  Like this

  A lot?”

  And I nod

  And she says

  “All the time?”

  And I nod

  And she nods

  And her face transforms

  Into her

  Thinking face

  Her answers face

  And I feel

  All of the worry

  Fall off my shoulders

  Because I can tell

  My mum

  Is on the case

  And my mum

  Is going to figure it all out

  My mum

  Is going to help me

  And I hug her

  Really tight around her middle

  And I squeeze her so tight

  That she makes a strangled noise and laughs

  And I feel

  Almost OK

  If not for this one thing

  Still sitting in my head

  This one thing

  Still in between me and Mum

  My one secret

  That I hadn’t even realized was secret

  And I let the words roll onto my tongue

  Mum, I think maybe—

  But before I can let them out—

  “OK

  Back to sleep”

  So I just smile

  And say OK

  And tell her I love her

  And decide

  Maybe

  That’s enough fixing for one night anyway

  And maybe

  I can try again tomorrow

  eight

  On Sunday morning

  I use the computer

  It lives in the kitchen