The Deepest Breath

by Meg Grehan

  And I can use it for homework

  And looking up things

  That Mum doesn’t know

  The answers to

  If I ask first

  So I ask

  Can I please

  And Mum says

  Yes

  And asks me

  What I’m looking up today

  And I say

  Fish

  Because it isn’t a lie

  Just only

  Half the truth

  Which doesn’t

  Really

  Make it feel any better

  So

  I look up fish

  First

  Just to keep it

  As true

  As I can

  I look up the

  Odontodactylus scyllarus

  Which is also called

  The peacock mantis shrimp

  (Thank goodness)

  Peacock mantis shrimp

  Are shrimp

  That look

  Like they’ve eaten

  Rainbows

  They’re red and blue and green and yellow and they can punch

  With the speed

  Of a

  Bullet

  Mum plonks a mug of hot chocolate down beside me

  Which makes me feel

  Grateful and guilty

  At the same time

  And I think I might be

  Allergic to secrets

  What do crushes feel like?

  I type it into the search bar

  The squiggle in my chest getting

  More wiggly and uncomfortable

  With every word

  A million results appear

  Full of words like

  “I just knew”

  And pictures of boys and girls holding hands

  Of Mickey and Minnie

  And princes and princesses

  Of cartoon girls with pink bows and long eyelashes

  Blushing beside cartoon boys

  With blue T-shirts

  I sigh

  None of this helps

  So I start over

  And with my shaky hands

  I start to type

  Can a girl

  Have a crush on another—

  “Stevie, can you—”

  I jump

  And smash my hands on the keyboard

  Filling the search bar with

  A mess of letters and numbers and symbols

  And Mum appears behind me

  I close the window

  And stare at the fish on the screen

  And Mum is still talking

  But all my ears can hear

  Is my blood

  Pounding in my head

  I’m going to have to try

  Something else

  I lie on the floor of my bedroom

  All afternoon

  With a notebook and my favorite pen

  And I write

  Everything

  All of the feelings

  All of the thoughts

  All of the pictures that flood my head

  When I see her

  When I talk to her

  When she smiles at me

  I write it out

  Then in a second of hot humiliation

  I scratch it all out

  And start over

  And over and over

  Until the words don’t look so weird anymore

  Until the words don’t feel so strange

  I feel warm

  I feel like smiling

  I feel

  Aware of myself

  Of all the good parts of me

  Of how I’m smart and interesting and sometimes I’m funny

  Because I think she sees those things

  And if she sees those things then they must be true

  I write it all

  Again and again

  Until I think

  Maybe

  I could say them out loud

  Maybe

  I could ask the question

  What does it mean

  Does it mean

  What I think it does

  By the time it’s dark out

  I’ve decided to ask my mum

  Because mums know things

  And I have a hole in my knowing

  A big gap

  Where there should be something

  But there isn’t

  And I think it’s a thing that matters

  Because the gap feels

  A little bit cold

  And my heart feels confused and a little

  Dizzy and fizzy and

  Weird

  “Mum”

  I say

  And she says

  “Yes, Stevie?”

  And I say

  “You know Chloe

  Who sits beside me

  At school?”

  And Mum nods

  “Well”

  I say

  And I wish I’d planned better

  Because words

  Just come spilling from my mouth

  And I have zero control

  Over any of them

  “She paints her nails”

  I tell Mum

  “Every week they’re a new color

  And by Friday

  They’re a mess

  They’re bitten and chipped

  And I want to fix them

  I want to paint her nails”

  Mum looks confused

  I’m not making any sense

  None of my words are doing what I need them to do

  “I want to touch her hair”

  I blurt out

  And Mum’s eyebrows fly up

  But I don’t know what that means

  And the not knowing

  Makes it all worse

  Way worse

  Words are coming out fast

  And I can’t stop them

  “I want to brush her hair

  Because it looks soft

  And I want to braid it

  I think”

  What am I saying

  Why am I saying any of this

  It makes no sense

  It’s all true

  But it still makes no sense

  “I like her more than anyone else”

  I say

  And the words stop

  For a second

  So I can take a breath

  And wish wish wish for Mum to say something

  But she doesn’t

  So I try

  “It’s like

  How I always wanted that

  Doll

  The Barbie

  Scientist Barbie

  Because she was so pretty

  And cool

  And I—”

  “Girls aren’t dolls”

  She says

  And I know that

  “Dolls aren’t girls”

  She says

  And I know that too

  And it seems that all she knows

  Is stuff that I already know

  So I zip my lips

  And we watch TV

  Usually when I ask my mum

  Questions

  Big or small or silly or smart

  She gives me

  Answers

  Big or small or silly or smart

  She wraps them up and hands them over

  Like little presents

  New things to know

  And I unwrap them

  And add them to my collection

  And I feel

  Better

  But this time

  I think she forgot

  To put the words in

  I think

  She just gave me

  Wrapping paper

  With tape and ribbon and a bow

  But nothing

  Inside

  And this time

  I don’t feel

  Better

  At all

  I have a nightmare

  T
hat water is coming

  And I’m standing

  All alone

  In the middle of a road

  And I yell

  But no one comes

  They’re all gone

  And I think they must have known

  So they ran

  And they forgot me

  Or they left

  So I stand

  Small and alone and me

  And there it is

  A wave

  Stretching up up up

  Scooping the clouds and pulling them

  Down down down and

  Crash

  The wave hits

  And water bursts over the whole of the world

  And I hold my breath as I’m

  Pushed and pulled and turned and twirled and I want to scream

  But I know

  If I do

  The water will pour in

  So I have no choice

  I can be full of screams

  Or full of water

  So I swim

  I swim swim swim

  Up up up

  Don’t look around

  Just swim up

  And beg my breath to last

  Until I reach the top

  Until I reach

  The surface

  But I’m swimming

  And I’m swimming

  And I’m swimming

  And there is no top

  And there is no surface

  Everything

  Is water

  And

  I wake up

  And I slap my hands to my mouth

  And I cram my screams back into my mouth

  And I swallow them

  Down down

  Down

  nine

  It snows all night

  And when I wake up

  The house is freezing

  And Mum is on the phone

  But she’s put

  Extra marshmallows

  In my hot chocolate

  I count them

  Five extra mini marshmallows

  And I wonder

  If they’re to make up for

  The words she didn’t give me

  Yesterday

  Five marshmallows

  Five words

  I suppose

  I poke a half-melted pink one

  With my spoon

  What could it mean

  Good or OK or fine or

  Bad or weird or wrong

  I don’t know

  Mum hangs up and sighs

  And worry gurgles in my tummy

  But she comes into the kitchen

  Smiling

  So I smile too

  “Good news”

  She says

  And I look up at her

  My brain already racing through ideas

  Too fast to really see any

  “You get a snow day!”

  She says

  And I can tell I’m supposed to be excited

  So I smile big big big

  And say

  “No way!!!”

  With extra exclamation marks

  And she gives me a look

  That can only mean

  Love

  So I really really look at her

  And I blink extra hard

  So my brain knows to please

  Remember

  Mum still has to go to work

  Because

  She says

  Adults don’t get snow days

  Which seems very unfair

  She calls my auntie Judith

  Even though I insist I’ll be fine on my own

  And Judith says she’ll come over at lunchtime

  Which sounds fine to me

  And terrible to my mum

  Mum has me lock and unlock the door

  Five times in a row

  Just so she knows I know how

  She teaches me how to use the microwave

  Even though I’ve used it

  A billion times

  She shows me where the fire extinguisher is

  Which is a little scary to think about

  But I can see she’s more scared than I am

  So I roll my eyes

  Like she’s being silly

  And pass her her gloves

  And tell her to be careful in the snow

  And tell her that I love her

  And that Auntie Judith will be here soon

  And that I’ll be totally completely

  One hundred percent fine and good and OK

  And then she leaves

  I watch Mum waddle to the car

  A penguin on ice

  And drive away

  And I wave and wave and wave

  Until she’s gone

  And then I find my schoolbag

  And tip everything out onto my bed

  And start looking for everything I need

  For my expedition

  Things I Might Need:

  My notebook

  Pens (blue and red and green and purple)

  My water bottle

  My mittens

  My library books (all finished)

  A flashlight (just in case)

  The emergency cellphone Mum gives me for school trips and sleepovers

  The bus timetable

  My library card

  My coin purse

  Emergency ten-euro note from the bill jar

  I need to know

  What this feeling in my chest is

  What it’s called and

  What it means and

  Why it’s there

  I need to know

  And when there’s something

  I need to know

  I go to the

  Library

  So

  I wrap up

  Keeping to as many of Mum’s rules as I can

  Sweater

  Coat

  Scarf

  Hat

  Mittens

  Chunky socks

  And big boots

  I check every power switch twice

  And check the oven three times

  Even though I don’t think it’s been turned on today at all

  I lock

  Unlock

  And lock

  Every door and window

  Just to be sure

  I don’t like feeling

  Anything but

  Love

  About my mum

  It doesn’t feel right

  But right now

  I feel

  So many

  Things

  About my

  Mum

  I feel love

  Always love

  But underneath

  I feel sad

  And a little

  Disappointed

  I feel worried

  And anxious

  And mostly

  I feel

  Distant

  Like someone grabbed us

  Each of us

  And pulled and pulled

  Until there was a gap

  Where there’s never been a gap

  Until there was

  Distance

  Where usually

  We were

  Together

  Side by side

  Like someone

  Pulled us apart

  And I’m afraid

  I’m afraid

  That that person

  Was me

  “OK”

  I say

  Sadly

  To no one

  In particular

  To the walls

  And the couch

  And the TV

  And the cactus on the coffee table

  “OK”

  And I open the front door

  As I walk out the door

  I grip the key

  With its big fuzzy key ring

  In a mittened hand

  Right in front of my face

  So it doesn’t have any chancer />
  To disappear

  I walk carefully

  I don’t make eye contact with strangers

  I look both ways before I cross the road

  And go only when the little glowing person is green

  I stick to as many rules

  As I possibly can

  So maybe

  If Mum finds out about my

  Fact-finding mission

  She’ll know

  I never wanted to hurt her

  Never ever never

  ten

  I memorized the bus timetable

  When I was eight

  Just in case

  Mum always says

  Just in case

  So I know I need to walk

  All the way to the bus stop

  And wait for the bus with the glowy 32

  And I know I need to pour exactly

  €2.20 into the hole beside the driver

  I feel the coins

  Lots of little ten cents and twenty cents

  And some little copper fives

  They’re heavy in my pocket

  And I keep my hand

  Buried in them

  Just in case

  They disappear

  The walk takes twelve minutes

  Which is five more minutes

  Than usual

  Because my feet kept sinking

  Into the snow

  And in my head

  I imagine it is quicksand

  And that I am in a jungle

  Warm and full of monkeys

  And lions and snakes

  But then that gets

  A little scary

  So I stop

  And come back to the snow and the cold

  The bus arrives three minutes after

  I get to the bus stop

  And I’m the only one there

  And there are only four other people inside

  So I get the best seat

  Right at the front

  We speed through town

  Through the snow and ice and sludge

  And I count Santas

  One two three