My Pear-Shaped Life: The most gripping and heartfelt page-turner of 2020!

by Harrington, Carmel

  Ray was peeking into the hall when Greta walked out. She shooed him back to the kitchen.

  ‘What’s going on?’

  ‘You’re about to meet your future mother-in-law. So sort yourself out.’

  ‘She’s coming out here?’

  ‘She is. Jeepers, that’s a lot of food.’

  ‘I might have over-ordered. The portion sizes are huge,’ Ray admitted. ‘What’s she like?’

  ‘Nice. She’s in a wheelchair, so don’t stare when she comes in.’

  ‘Noted. What’s wrong with her? Is it cancer or something?’

  ‘She’s fat.’

  ‘That’s a bit harsh!’ Ray said, shocked. ‘I’d expect better from you!’

  Greta giggled. ‘Her words, not mine. She doesn’t get out of bed much any more, ’cos she is too fat to get about. She tells it like it is and I love her.’

  All sorts of images flashed through Ray’s mind, landing finally on Jabba the Hut in Star Wars. He felt quite ashamed of that as he shook the image from his head.

  ‘Honestly, she’s just wonderful. I thought Noreen was Glinda, but Susan is too. Can you have more than one Glinda, I wonder? We had the best chat. She’s kinda wise in a non-preachy way.’

  ‘I think there can never be too many Glindas in our lives. In fact maybe we should all try to be a Glinda every time we get the opportunity.’

  ‘I like that idea. You’ll love Susan, Uncle Ray. Promise. And she said that Billie was in love with you back then. But she thought you had broken Billie’s heart, not the other way around. There’s something going on here, but I can’t work out what. How did you get on with lover girl? Did she fill in any blanks for you?’ Greta asked.

  Ray shook his head in dismay and did the thumbs-down sign. It hadn’t gone well at all. They’d had a stilted conversation about how mild the weather was. And how pretty the trees were on the avenue. He’d given pretty much monosyllabic answers to everything she said, and she wasn’t much better. ‘I can’t seem to find a way to make a connection with her. She’s polite with me, but reserved.’

  ‘Just tell her about your life. Your job. That kind of thing. Actually, what is it that you do in work, Uncle Ray?’ Greta realized she had no clue.

  ‘Really? After all these years you still don’t know?’

  ‘No clue.’

  They both jumped when they heard the door bang close down the hall. Ray stood to attention, looking like he was about to salute a sergeant major. ‘Relax!’ Greta hissed.

  Billie wheeled in her mama and Greta felt her heart give a little. How was it possible that she felt she knew this woman and was understood by her in one conversation? But something had happened in that bedroom. A connection had been formed. Susan was wearing a dressing gown, in a pretty denim blue, with tiny yellow and pink flowers on it. And Greta noted that Susan looked as nervous as Ray did. A line of sweat had formed on her face, which she blotted away with a small cloth she clutched.

  ‘I love your dressing gown! I’m a divil for wearing black all the time. I’m trying to add some colour into my wardrobe,’ Greta said, pointing to her bright yellow top.

  ‘It’s from Walmart. Cheap as chips. And you should always wear sunshine colours. They suit you,’ Susan said.

  ‘I’m delighted you decided to get up and eat with us.’ Greta turned to Ray, but he was rooted to the ground. Kicking him in the ankle, hard, he yelped, but he at least walked forward, albeit with a slight limp.

  ‘Good evening, Mrs Haley. A pleasure to make your acquaintance.’ His voice sounded more Downton Abbey than Dublin. Then he bowed.

  What on earth was he doing? The big eejit. ‘Come sit beside me,’ Greta said to Susan. She pushed aside a dining chair so that her wheelchair could be moved into the spot. That left Ray to sit beside Billie.

  As half of the group seemed unable to act like ordinary people, Greta and Susan found themselves doing much of the chitchat. Billie poured water for everyone, then began spooning out food onto everyone’s plates. It was apparent Greta was going to have to get Billie and Ray on a trip down memory lane if they were going to have any chance at rekindling anything. Greta thought about all the conversations she’d had with Dylan about Ultimate Romantic Gestures. Her always scoffing and pulling them apart. Him defending their importance in the world. And, this time, she wanted Dylan to be right and her wrong. She wanted Uncle Ray’s URG to work. He deserved happiness more than anyone else she knew. Because he was good. Through and through.

  ‘So Billie, tell me about the first time you met my Uncle Ray!’ Greta said.

  Ray would have liked to kick Greta under the table; he owed her several for payback of the few she’d given him in the last forty-eight hours, but was afraid he’d get Susan, so he pulled back.

  Billie smiled at the memory. ‘In Schiphol Airport. I was with my friends Mary-Beth and Anna-May.’

  ‘I remember them!’ Ray said. ‘You three were always together back then. How are they? Do they still live around here?’

  Billie looked at her mama, and something passed between them. ‘We lost touch.’

  ‘It happens,’ Ray said. ‘I’m not in touch with any of my school friends any more.’

  ‘Nor me, thank goodness. All of mine were mostly assholes,’ Greta said.

  ‘How come?’ Susan asked.

  ‘I was a fader for the first couple of years in school. As in I always faded into the background,’ she explained. ‘But then I got cast for an advert when I was eight.’

  ‘On television,’ Ray added.

  ‘And it turns out that most of my school pals preferred me as a fader. They were not so keen on my fifteen minutes of fame.’ It had been around this time that Greta had started to use food as an emotional crutch. Susan looked at her in understanding. She got it.

  ‘They probably didn’t even realize what they were doing. Most people want to see you do good, as long as it’s not better than they do themselves. I’d love to see your advert,’ Susan said.

  Ray took out his phone. ‘I can show you on YouTube.’ He hit play and they watched the young Greta light up the small screen.

  ‘You haven’t changed a bit,’ Billie said. ‘That was very cute. And now I want one of those biscuits!’

  ‘You are a special young woman. It shines through in this advert and it shines through you right now, sitting here beside me,’ Susan said.

  Greta felt a blush creep up on her cheeks. She felt shy and happy and proud all at once. And she liked the feeling.

  ‘Are you still in touch with your school friends?’ Ray asked Susan.

  ‘I’ve not stayed in touch with anyone. Except for Lucy. She was a few years older than me, but we walked to school together most days. She’s been a good friend.’

  Greta was sure she saw tears glistening in Susan’s eyes. She reached over and patted her hand as Susan had done to her in the bedroom earlier. ‘I bet you’ve been a wonderful friend to her too. She’s lucky to have someone so wise as you in her corner.’

  She turned to Billie again. ‘Now I think it’s time we got these two back to when they met each other. What do you think Susan?’

  ‘I think that’s exactly what we need to do!’ Susan agreed.

  ‘I could barely walk I was weighed down so much with my rucksack and tent. I didn’t have the muscles back then I have now.’ Billie flexed her arms and grinned.

  ‘Show off!’ Greta said.

  ‘My cap fell off and landed at the feet of your Uncle Ray. And when he put it on my head, he gave me this look. It was almost a question. I couldn’t get him out of my head. So when I saw him at the parade later that day, I walked over to say hello.’

  She looked at Ray, and he looked at her. And, like that, they were back twenty-four years. They’d found their selves again. And the floodgates opened.

  ‘Do you remember when Tom went into the bushes to go to the loo and came back covered in briars, saying he’d been chased by a bear?’ Ray said.

  ‘And the bear came out a few minu
tes later. It was only a …’ Billie said.

  ‘Rabbit!’ they both said at the same time.

  And on and on the stories came, about fellow scouts and themselves. Susan and Greta were happy to listen. There was a lot of laughter around that table.

  ‘So what made you come to Kansas after all this time?’ Susan asked.

  Ray looked at Billie and thought about saying that he was there because he was still in love with her daughter. But of course, he didn’t. So instead he said, ‘Billie told me years ago that Cawker City had the biggest ball of twine in the world. I like twine. So I thought I’d come to check it out.’

  ‘That’s a long way to come to see a ball of twine – no matter how big,’ Susan said.

  ‘He really likes twine,’ Greta said. ‘And we’re going to see Dr Greta Gale too. She’s giving a seminar in Las Vegas.’

  ‘I was only watching her on Oprah yesterday!’ Susan said.

  ‘Me too!’ Greta said. ‘I love her.’

  ‘You have the same name!’ Billie said, shaking her head in surprise. ‘I’ve just realized.’

  Ray said, ‘Greta is one of her biggest fans.’

  ‘We all need a hero,’ Susan said.

  ‘I do love her. But I’m starting to realize she’s not my hero. Uncle Ray is,’ Greta said. ‘I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him.’ And she didn’t just mean sitting at this table. Then an idea hit her, a way to repay her many, many debts to him. She turned to Billie and said, ‘Why don’t you bring Uncle Ray to see the ball of twine now!’

  ‘I’d love that,’ Ray said. And he gave Greta a look that said, don’t kick me, I know not to mention that we’ve already been to see it!

  ‘But I can’t leave Mama,’ Billie said.

  ‘Your mama’s perfectly fine,’ Susan said.

  ‘If you fancy the company, I’ll stay here with you Susan,’ Greta said.

  ‘I couldn’t think of anything I’d rather. We can have another chat. That’s that settled. Off you both go,’ Susan said, waving Ray and Billie off.

  ‘She likes him. I can tell,’ Susan said when they closed the door behind them.

  ‘Does she? I find her hard to read,’ Greta admitted. ‘She seems happy that he’s here sometimes, then others, she’s like stone.’

  ‘She wasn’t always like that. She used to be a free spirit, never at home, always running around the woods with her friends. And she had lots of them. People always gravitated to my Billie. Her smile used to light up the room.’

  ‘Uncle Ray said that about her. And yesterday, at the competition, I saw a glimpse of it.’

  ‘He knew her before … well, before things changed.’

  ‘What happened?’

  Susan sighed, then said, ‘Life happened. And for some of us, it got hard. If you don’t mind I won’t say much more, because it’s too difficult for me—’

  ‘Of course,’ Greta said. Life happened. She understood the devastating impact of those two words. The sleeping pills. Her failing acting career. Her weight. Her loneliness. How did all of that happen? Life. That’s how. But that curiosity she’d had earlier was still piqued. She was desperate to know what had happened to the Haley family.

  ‘But suffice to say that, afterwards, well, all of Billie’s friends disappeared. Mine too. Except for Lucy. Piper, my youngest daughter, she ran away and hardly ever comes home to see us any more.’

  ‘That’s awful,’ Greta said. She hoped Ray was getting the full story from Billie, so that he could fill her in later.

  ‘Without Billie, I’d rot here on my own. She looks after me so well, and I feel her love every day. But she’s not the Billie she once was. She’s as hard as those abs she spends so much time on at the gym. Bitterness and hurt can do funny things to people if it’s left to set in.’

  Greta wasn’t sure if Susan was talking about herself or Billie any more. And she thought about all of the negative feelings she’d been storing up inside of her for what felt like for ever. Like a cancer, they ate up all the goodness. If Greta didn’t make a change would she end up housebound like Susan one day? Trapped in a body that could no longer support her.

  ‘Is your uncle a good man?’ Susan asked suddenly.

  ‘The best one I know,’ Greta said.

  ‘Is he patient? Because he’ll need to be, to get through to her. I watched Billie over the years. There’s been plenty of men coming and going. Only natural, because she’s a good-looking woman.’

  ‘She’s beautiful,’ Greta agreed.

  ‘But none of them stood a chance, because she’s forgotten she has a heart. I saw one man stand here telling her he loved her. And she just turned on her heel and walked away, leaving him like a broken shell on the porch.’

  ‘She’d better not hurt my uncle,’ Greta said.

  ‘Don’t get me wrong. Billie is a good woman. Deep down she has a heart of gold. Look at how she takes care of me. But she’s forgotten how to love anyone else or be loved herself. She’s afraid of getting hurt. She doesn’t want to lose control.’

  ‘And that’s what the bodybuilding is about too, I bet,’ Greta said. ‘She can control that, can’t she?’

  ‘Exactly,’ Susan agreed.

  ‘Ray still loves her, Susan. He’s never stopped. And he’s a good guy. He deserves to be loved back by someone.’

  ‘Well, let’s hope that she gives him a chance. I won’t stand in their way. There’s nothing that would make me happier. And what about you Greta? Do you have a special someone?’

  Greta shook her head. But, for the first time in years, she thought about the possibility of having someone in her life. And the idea didn’t scare her; in fact she realized that she would like that very much indeed.

  Chapter 25

  ‘Tell me about your life here,’ Ray said as they drove.

  ‘I’m a waitress in a diner.’

  ‘Here in Cawker City?’

  ‘No. There’s not much call for a diner here any more. When I was a kid we were a busy community. But there’s only five hundred or so living here now. Most have gone to bigger cities for work.’

  ‘Ever tempted to leave yourself?’

  ‘Every day. But Mama needs me. So I stay,’ Billie said.

  ‘You planned to travel the world,’ Ray said.

  ‘Plans change, Ray.’

  ‘I suppose they do. Do you like waitressing?’

  Billie shrugged. ‘It’s a job. It pays the bills. The tips are a godsend. Which I need, because I go through a lot of shoes.’

  ‘You’ve lost me.’

  ‘I’m on my feet all day. I can put up a hell of a lot of miles each shift, hence I go through a lot of shoes. How about you? What do you work at?’ Billie asked.

  ‘I work for the government.’

  ‘Ooh, very James Bond.’

  ‘I could let you go on believing that, but I’m hoping you’ll get to know me well enough to catch out that lie. I’m more of a civil servant than a spy.’

  ‘Spies are totally overrated. And I bet you look better in a tux than Bond.’

  ‘Yes, Ms Moneypenny,’ he said in his best Sean Connery accent.

  When she spluttered laughing, he said, ‘Sorry, I don’t know why I did that.’

  ‘It was funny. So if you are not a government spy, what do you do for them?’

  ‘I work in the Department of Justice. In the legislation side of things.’

  ‘Do you like that?’

  ‘I don’t dislike it. But I’m not sure it’s a job I would have dreamt about as a kid.’

  ‘A detective,’ Billie said. ‘That’s what you always wanted to be.’

  ‘You remembered!’ Ray was surprised.

  ‘I remember everything about that summer,’ Billie said. ‘It was the happiest time of my life.’

  ‘Mine too,’ Ray said.

  ‘Here we are.’ Billie pulled the car up. ‘I think a lot of people are disappointed by the reality of roadside America curiosities. I hope, after all this time, that’s not the
case for you.’

  ‘It’s everything I thought it would be,’ Ray said, and they both knew he wasn’t talking about the twine any more. ‘Confession time. Greta and I stopped by this yesterday.’

  ‘Why didn’t you say?’ Billie said, getting out of the car.

  ‘I wanted to spend time with you. I was worried if I said we’d already been, you’d suggest we went back to the hotel. Anyhow, it’s worth a second visit. I mean, the time and effort it took to make this. It’s impressive. Is he still alive, this Frank guy?’

  ‘No. Not any more.’

  They walked around the bale, inspecting every inch. Ray pulled out his phone, as thousands of tourists had done before them. Ray felt his heart thump when she stepped in close to him, her breath on his cheek, as he snapped some selfies.

  ‘Why did you stop writing to me?’ Ray blurted out, unable to wait any longer to find out.

  Pain flashed over Billie’s face, and he wanted to take her in his arms to make it go away.

  ‘Life got difficult for us here … it’s hard to talk about. So much has happened over the past twenty years.’

  ‘I would have liked to have helped you with … well, with whatever hardships you had.’

  ‘I’m not sure you could have, Ray.’

  He found his courage and reached to clasp her hand between his. It had been over twenty-four years since he’d last done this, and yet it felt like it had only been minutes ago. It triggered so many memories. He longed to feel her touch, caressing him once again.

  ‘I’m sorry I ghosted you. I think that’s what the cool kids call it now. At the time I felt I had no choice,’ Billie said.

  ‘I thought about you often. Wondering if you were happy. Are you?’

  Billie shrugged. ‘I’m not unhappy.’

  Ray shook his head in wonder; the similarity of her words to his own was remarkable. ‘I said the same thing to Greta, word for word. She’s been going through some stuff, but that’s her story to tell, not mine. It’s why I wanted to bring her on this road trip. Take her out of the life that she had created for herself and see if the journey helped her recreate something new, better.’

  ‘You love her.’