“What exactly makes you think that you can just barge into my house and start demanding answers to personal questions?” she crossed her arms and stood in front of the open front door, the silent implication was she wanted him to leave.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I thought it might be nice to know what was going on in my girlfriend’s life! You know, maybe I could help. Guys have been known to try that from time to time. Be helpful. Instead of just ignored!” he hadn’t intended to call her his girlfriend, but that was what she was. He was tired of her ignoring it, avoiding him, pretending they weren’t special to each other.
“I am not your girlfriend!” she shot back.
“Could have fooled me Samantha. We’ve been practically living together for the past week. What exactly do you call that? Think it goes a little beyond work colleagues.” Samantha didn’t answer him. She slammed the front door and stormed off into the kitchen where she had been making lunch before he had arrived.
“Great, walk away. That’s what you’re best at isn’t it.” Connor followed her, not allowing her to escape.
“Would you keep your voice down!” Samantha snapped at him. Her voice had a twinge of concern in it as she looked back toward the back of the house. Connor vaguely remembered that was the direction of her parents’ room. He stood in the kitchen staring at her, trying to take deep breaths to calm himself down. He hadn’t come all this way just to scream at her. Samantha ignored him while she continued to chop up vegetables on the counter and toss them into a pot on the stove. He didn’t move. She didn’t speak. There were in a standoff, waiting to see who would break first.
“What do you want from me, Connor?” she asked exasperated, setting down the knife and looking over at him. He could see she was on the verge of crying.
“I just want to know what’s going on,” his words were a plea. Samantha’s eyes went back to her mother’s room before she let out a sigh.
“My mother…has cancer.” Connor instantly started to walk to her, wanting desperately to hold her in his arms. She stopped him in his tracks with a single look.
“Don’t,” her words of rejection cut through him. She instantly went from vulnerable to hardened.
“Why?” Connor didn’t understand. Why was she still pushing him away? He could help.
“I can’t do this with you. Not now.”
“Do what, Samantha? I just want to be here for you,” his voice was so gentle and sincere it broke Samantha’s heart.
“I’m not some toy that you need to fix. I’m not a damsel that needs to be rescued, remember?!”
“I don’t want to fix you or rescue you! I just want to love you.”
“I don’t want you to love me! You are just making everything harder! I don’t need you Connor!” She was screaming at him and she wasn’t sure why. She just needed him to go. She felt the tears welling up in her eyes. She wasn’t going to be able to stop them. She turned away from him to hide her face. The fact that she wouldn’t even look at him as she was dismissing him drove Connor insane. He was on the brink of rage.
“Of course not! The unstoppable Samantha Cane. You don’t need anyone, do you? You can do everything on your own,” his words were angry and mocking. Connor was trying to hurt her. Hurt her the way she hurt him.
“That’s right!” Samantha wouldn’t back down. She needed to push him away for good. She needed to make sure he would never come back. She refused to turn around. She refused to meet the anger in his eyes. She had been expecting it for eleven years. It was almost a relief to finally have him tell her off. She knew she deserved it. Even still, his words cut her to the bone.
“Jesus, you are serious aren’t you! What the hell is so wrong with needing someone Samantha? Enlighten me.”
“It makes you weak,” disgust dripped from her voice. She was disgusted with herself, with her own weakness because she couldn’t keep herself from loving him. Connor didn’t understand. He felt the full force of her words in his heart.
“So you think I’m weak for loving you?”
“Yes.”
“You are unbelievable!”
“Would you please just leave!”
“Not until you tell me how you do it. How do you keep pushing people away? What is your secret? I want to live an empty lonely existence too!”
“It’s easy! You just remember that one day they will leave!” she finally turned around to face him, slamming her fists down on the kitchen counter with a heavy clash. There were standing ten feet apart, but the force of her gaze still managed to knock him back. Her eyes were filled with anger, but the unshed tears in her eyes made her look completely shattered. The sight of her took his breath away.
“What is the point when one day you will wake up and they will be gone? Tomorrow, next week, maybe ten years down the road, but eventually I will be on my own again. Only then, I won’t know how to survive without you. I will be BROKEN! I won’t be able to get out of bed or eat. Every breath is exhausting, every heartbeat is painful. I didn’t want that. I can’t be that. I can’t let myself become so dependent on someone else that losing them would break me,” her words were frenzied and desperate. Connor stood in the kitchen completely dumbfounded, unable to respond. The force of her confession stunned him. She would never be able to love him. She was too scared of losing him.
“Samantha, what is going on?” the sound of her mother’s concerned voice broke the sudden silence of the kitchen. Their yelling had woken her up.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I didn’t mean to wake you…” Samantha was shaking the anger out of her body, trying to regain her composure.
“It’s my fault Mrs. Cane,” Connor tore his eyes from Samantha’s face and walked up to her mother. “I am Connor Grayson. I am a work colleague of Samantha’s.” Connor held out his hand. Samantha’s mother took it, turning to her daughter inquisitively. She was trying to figure out how she was supposed to react to the charming stranger standing in her kitchen who had been screaming at her daughter just moments ago. Samantha was unable to do anything but stare at Connor.
“I am sorry, I’m afraid got a bit carried away. We were working on a big project together before Samantha left. But, I was out of line. I was just leaving,” Connor’s voice was smooth and calm. To anyone other than Samantha, he would have appeared his normal charming self. Only Samantha was able to hear the pain under the forced cheerfulness in his voice. With an apologetic smile Connor was gone. He finally had the answers he had wanted for eleven years.
Chapter Twenty - Tables Turning
“What on earth was that about?” Samantha’s mother asked as soon as they heard the front door close behind Connor.
“It was nothing. Just a work thing,” Samantha lied.
“That was not about work, sweetie. No one gets that upset about work.”
Samantha turned her attention back to the pot that was now boiling over on the stove. She had completely forgotten the soup she was making while she had been arguing with Connor. She began fussing over it, trying to keep busy to ignore the ache in her chest from watching Connor walk out of her life again. She needed her mother to stop asking about it. She needed to forget about it. About him.
“Like Connor said we were working on a big project, a merger. He was upset I left before it was finished.”
“A merger? Interesting,” her mother teased. “He certainly is gorgeous.”
“I’m making vegetable soup for lunch,” Samantha ignored her mother’s comments, focusing on her soup like it held all life’s secrets. Her mother walked up beside her, stilling the hand Samantha was using to stir.
“Samantha, come sit with me for a minute.”
“I’m cooking…”
“I heard what you said.”
“What I said?” Samantha was playing dumb. She had never talked to her mother about her breakdown. The fact that she had mentioned it to Connor seemed like a betrayal of her trust.
“About being broken.” Samantha’s guilty eyes met her mother’s. She hadn’t
meant for her mother to hear her words. She hadn’t even meant to say them to Connor. They just flew out of her mouth. For that moment her lips were connected directly to her heart, bypassing any of the filters in her head. Samantha turned off the burner and sat next to her mother on the kitchen bar stools.
“I know you loved your father and I know it broke your heart to lose him, especially so suddenly.” Samantha was surprised at how placid her mother’s voice was. They never talked about her father. Samantha had always been too nervous to bring him up, afraid her mom would shut down again. “But, as hard as it was for you, it was worse for me. I was completely destroyed. He was my husband, my everything,” her voice began to crack slightly at the memory of the love of her life.
“I know. I’m sorry…” Samantha’s mother waved off the apology.
“I’m the one who should be apologizing. You had to be the strong one. I am your mother and I should have been there for you. But, I wasn’t, was I?”
“It was a long time ago.” The truth in her mother’s words was a balm on a wound Samantha thought had long since healed. Still, she didn’t want to dwell on the timeworn pain. “We have bigger issues to deal with. We need to focus on beating cancer!”
“You are so much like your father. Always with your eyes forward. Determined. Incapable of giving up. When I lost your father it was easier to lean on you than to learn to stand on my own two feet.” Her eyes became misty as her hands came up to caress Samantha’s face. “You had to hold up the both of us. You still are.” The honesty caused them both to hesitate, as if they were venturing into unsteady ground. “I called you in a panic and you dropped everything and flew halfway around the world to take care of me.”
“That is what family if for,” Samantha replied easily, giving her mother’s hand a squeeze against her cheek. There were times she resented having to be the adult, but she loved her mother more than anything. She would always be there for her.
“Maybe. Or maybe you have been too busy taking care of me to take care of yourself.”
“I am fine. I have a great life! I have you, a job I love, a beautiful apartment,” Samantha’s words sounded hollow. Her existence suddenly felt barren.
“And when I'm gone? Who is going to be your family?” her mother’s question terrified Samantha.
“Don't talk like that. We'll beat this!” Samantha hugged her mother tightly.
“I hope I do. I hope I live to be a hundred! But, sweetie eventually I am going to be gone. And I don't want you to be alone with your great job in that beautiful apartment.” Without speaking a word, Samantha buried her face in her mother’s shoulder, taking deep breaths, and trying not to panic at the thought of being completely alone.
“You know what the funny thing about love is?” Her mother gently stroked her hair like she used to when Samantha was a little girl. “Sometimes it hurts and sometimes it heals. But, you can’t have one without the other. You are right. Losing your father broke me.” Samantha pulled away from her mother, guilt and tears canvassing her face.
“Mom, I didn’t mean…” her mother waved away her words again and continued undaunted.
“Yes, you did. It’s alright. I will never be as strong as you are. But, you know what?” She paused to meet Samantha’s eyes and wipe away the tears. “I wouldn’t sacrifice a single second I had with him to make it hurt less.” Samantha tried to let her mother’s words sink in. She knew they were true. Even eleven years later she still felt the loss of her father deep in her soul. She still loved him. It still hurt to think of him, but she wouldn’t sacrifice a single moment she had with him. She was thankful for every memory. She would go through all the pain again if she could have just one more day with him.
“If you are running away from someone you love, you aren’t saving yourself any pain. You are just spreading it out, poisoning your heart a little bit every day, for the rest of your life.”
“At least it is manageable!” was Samantha’s pragmatic response.
“Is that what you want your life to be, baby? Manageable? Stop worrying about what might be and hold on to what is. Are you in love with him?” Samantha’s mother held her hands and looked into her eyes and into her heart. She knew she couldn’t lie.
“Yes.”
“Than, he deserves to know. And you deserve to be happy for as long as you can be.” Her mother stood and kissed her on the forehead before walking back to her room.
Samantha struggled the rest of the day trying to argue against her mother’s words. She kept trying to convince herself she knew what was best for her life. She tried to convince herself that she was better off without Connor. She tossed and turned the entire night, desperate to hold onto her belief that she was strong enough to live her life without love. Her mind drifted back to their week in Japan. She cherished the time they spent together. She had been truly happy. She had thrown it away willingly in exchange for this empty feeling. Losing him hurt. It had hurt the first time and it hurt now. At two in the morning staring at her bedroom ceiling Samantha Cane had a revelation. She was a complete and utter idiot.
She was in love with Connor Grayson. Losing him was always going to hurt. Sacrificing their love didn’t stop the pain. She wanted him. She needed him. She loved him. And now, she needed to finally tell him. That was going to be difficult given that he was going to do everything he could to avoid seeing or speaking to her. She couldn't blame him. How many times had she broken his heart? She had to try. She pulled out her phone and thought about what she could possibly say to him.
Samantha: I need you.
Samantha: Please come over.
Samantha didn’t know if he was still in town. He might have flown home right after they talked. She laid in bed, curled up with her cell phone, waiting for it to buzz. She was desperate to hear from him. Exhaustion was finally pulling her in to sleep when her phone lit up.
Connor: I’m here.
A huge smile was spread wide across Samantha’s lips, her heart raced in her chest. Samantha threw off the covers and ran to the front door, ripping it open only to find nothing there. Her heart dropped. Was he just teasing her to be cruel?
Samantha: Where are you?
Connor: Where do you think?
Samantha ran to the backdoor. She should have realized that was where he would go. She opened the backdoor to see him sitting on the step, shoulders slouched, head down. He turned to face her when he heard the door open. The look on his face broke her heart. It was clear that he thought he had lost her, yet he was still here. He was here because she had asked him to come. He would always come when she said she needed him.
“Is your Mom okay?” he asked gently as he stood up. Samantha threw herself into his arms, unable to control herself.
“I am so sorry,” was all she could say. He wrapped her up and held her close. It was the best feeling in the entire world.
“Sorry for what?” he asked softly in her ear.
“For everything!” She buried her face in his chest, grabbing fists full of his shirt in her hands. She didn’t know where to start. She had so much make up for. “I can’t believe you came…” her voice trailed off.
“Is your Mom…” he didn’t finish his question, letting the unknown speak for itself.
“Oh, no! She is fine.” Realization dawned on Samantha. He came because he thought something had happened to her mother. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you think...” She wasn’t willing to say the words out loud either. This was supposed to be about her and Connor. She wouldn’t let herself panic at the thought of the fight her mother was facing.
“Jesus, Samantha. I thought…” His voice trailed off as he let out an aggravated sigh. He broke their embrace with a shove. It wasn’t violent, but the sudden harshness made Samantha gasp. Connor was dragging his hands through his hair as his gaze drifted up to the sky. She was desperate to see that familiar look of longing in his eyes. All she saw was confusion and exhaustion. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days. He looked awful a
nd she knew it was her fault. Silence overtook the space between them.
“I just needed to see you.” She had so much to say to him, but after all the years of hiding, she didn't know how. Three little words never seemed so heavy.
“That’s it,” he snapped at her and in that instant something changed. She could hear the fierce anger in his voice. “I can’t do this with you anymore.” When his eyes met hers she didn’t see the longing she had hoped for. All she saw was rage and resentment. He turned and started walking away.
“It’s not like that…” Samantha was chasing after him, reaching for him while still searching for the words to explain it all.
“Fuck, Samantha! It’s always like that. You call me when you want me, get what you need, and then shove me out of your life again,” his words were choked with bitterness. She was stunned silent by their truth. Her feet cemented to the ground under her. Her arms now weighed a thousand pounds. She couldn’t get to him, couldn’t reach out to him. She had been selfish and hurtful.
“But…” she called out to him, unable to move. When he turned to face her the ferocity in his eyes caused her to draw back. He was furious.
“I have been chasing you for eleven years. Eleven years! I have loved you for so long, and for what? To be strung along, teased and tortured? Trying to be happy with the few moments I can cobble together before you run off?” His words cut like a knife, slicing open Samantha’s chest, exposing her bleeding heart. “I deserve better than this. Better than you.” He reached in and ripped her heart right out of her chest.
“I…” Samantha couldn’t get the words out fast enough. He cut her off.
“I don’t care, Samantha. Whatever it is, whatever has you freaked out this time, you’ll figure it out on your own. You always do. I’m done.” He crushed her heart in his clenched fist before tossing it aside, abandoned in the dirt as he walked away.
“Connor, please!” was all Samantha could manage to scream out, still unable to move with the burgeoning ache in her empty chest. He paused for just a second as he got to his car door. His resentful eyes burned into her skin. It felt like he was trying to eradicate her with his stare. She felt like she was dying.
Lucky Charm Page 16
