Composing Love

by Ronni Meyrick

  “It’s…so hard.”

  “I know it is, love.” She kissed the top of Billy’s head and ran her hand through her hair. “You need to meet your grief head-on and stop using your job as a smokescreen.”

  Billy sat up taller in her chair and Sarah’s arms fell away from her. “I know, and God only knows what she’d think of me acting this way. I can’t help it. Being home is making me face a lot of what I’ve hidden from. I need time to grieve and remember the good times we all shared. Even though she’s not here, I’ll try to live my life to the best of my abilities.”

  “That’s my girl. You need to live it for her as well. Instead of being focused solely on your work, start to enjoy yourself more. Do new things, meet new people.” Sarah took a step back and threw her hands in the air. “Hell, go on a round-the-world cruise.”

  Billy bit her lower lip and raised her tear-stained face to look up at the ceiling. After three deep breaths, she cocked her head to the side and grinned at her aunt. “You’re absolutely right. I’ve never thought about it like that before. Damn, I can’t believe I’m just realising it.”

  Sarah cupped Billy’s face in her hands and wiped her tear tracks away with her thumbs. “Welcome back, Jolly. The grief process is a long, arduous road to travel, but you don’t have to do it alone. You have all of us to talk to and I’ll be right by your side holding your hand to get you through it.” She kissed her cheek, tugged Billy to her feet, and crushed her in a hug. “I know we’ve always joked about you being my adopted daughter, but it really feels like you are mine. After Katie died I didn’t think I’d survive the grief. The thought of you saw me through those rough patches. The phone calls were a reminder I was still alive and had you in my life. It made me realise I had someone who cared about me. It urged me to get up in the morning and carry on.” She walked Billy over to the window and gestured to the expanse of property around the house. “Everything that’s changed out there is because of you and Katie. I just envisioned what you’d both do with the old dump and went to work. It gave me something to focus on.”

  “I love it, and Katie would’ve, too.”

  “Get your boots on. We need to feel the wind in our hair and against our faces.” She patted Billy on the back hard. Billy staggered a step, but she smiled, feeling lighter than she had in months.

  Billy needed no further encouragement and flipped her shoes off. She slipped her feet into the stiff leather of the new boots. The rigid material bit into her calves when she walked into the utility room and placed her hiking boots next to Sarah’s. The sprung soles were a surprise. “Apart from a little tightness, they fit beautifully. Thank you for such an amazing gift. I’ll treasure them, and with your permission will leave them next to your boots for when I next come home.”

  “I’d like that. If I see someone else’s things in this place I won’t feel so lonely.” She tugged her own boots on then sprang up like a jack-in-the-box. “I can’t wait for Claret to see you.”

  Billy placed her hand on her aunt’s arm to stop her from walking out of the door. “Before we go, I’d like to show you something.” Not one to be bashful, she turned her back on her aunt and whipped her t-shirt up and off her shoulders. “I had a new tattoo done last year. I hope you like it.” She heard Sarah approach from behind. When she felt her aunt’s fingertip on her right shoulder blade, the hairs on her arms rose. The artwork was something she’d designed herself. It was a dove holding a laurel branch in its mouth, and underneath, stencilled in italics, was Katie’s name.

  “Oh, Billy.” A soft cry left Sarah’s mouth. “It’s beautiful, and the perfect way to remember her.”

  Billy took her aunt into her arms and wrapped her in a bear hug. After a minute of holding her while she cried, she released her and bent her knees to lower herself to Sarah’s height. “Come on, let’s go and see if we can find my boy.”

  Sarah put her arm around Billy’s hips as they strode out of the house and to the nearest paddock.

  A mixture of coloured horses roamed around. After a quick headcount, Billy narrowed it down to four bays, eight chestnuts, three dapples, and finally, in the middle of the pack of brown bays, she saw the black head and white muzzle she’d been looking for.

  A single tear slid down her cheek as she whistled quietly. The horse stood to his full height of eighteen hands. His head moved from side to side as his tail switched rapidly across his rump.

  With her thumb and index finger in the corners of her mouth, she blew, and a loud high-pitched whistle filled the air. Without hesitation, the large horse galloped toward them at the fence.

  “Be careful, Jolly. He might not be as friendly as you remember.” Sarah took a step back as the ground beneath her feet quaked with the beast’s hooves connecting with the dry ground.

  Billy waved her hand to bat the concern away and took a step up onto the first rung of the thick wooden field-gate. She braced herself with her hands on the top of it as Claret continued his way toward her. “Come here, big boy.” Her voice was soothing. Claret’s ears flicked and twitched at her words and he came to a sudden stop in front of her.

  He opened his mouth and his nostrils flared as he inhaled deeply. Their gazes locked and lingered, neither of them blinking for the longest time. He eventually lowered his head and plodded more sedately up to her and rested his head over her shoulder.

  Her tears fell while she hugged his neck and stroked the side of it. “Oh, Claret, I’ve missed you so much!”

  “Bloody hell!” A new voice echoed from behind her. “I never thought I’d see him act like a lovesick puppy with anyone.”

  Billy turned just enough to see Sarah laugh and slap the stable hand on the shoulder. “Billy and Claret are old friends. Now that she’s back, he might start behaving himself.”

  Billy released Claret’s neck. She tickled the tip of his nose with her fingertips and kissed the white lightning strike on his muzzle. “He’s a teddy bear.” She picked up a lead line and climbed over the gate. Once she had the line clipped on his halter, she led him to it and gestured with her head for Sarah to open the latch.

  The horse was placid as he walked beside her. Several more stable hands appeared to watch the unbelievable spectacle with Sarah. The most temperamental horse any of them had evidently ever seen was behaving and hadn’t attempted to bite anyone. It was ironic, really. As she led him over to a hitching post, his head lowered and he nuzzled his mouth into the hand holding the lead line.

  Once she had him securely tied, she turned and saw the bewildered stares. “What?”

  Sarah walked up to her and slapped her hard between her shoulder blades. “I might as well give you him, too. He doesn’t let anyone else ride him, feed him, walk him, or work him in the arena. He barely tolerates me doing those things. I’m not stupid enough to try and mount him.” She ran her hand quickly down his neck. “He was another gift I gave Katie and all three of you bonded. You belong together.” She walked over to another paddock where a beautiful dark mahogany bay mare was watching with interest. “Oh, but his stud fees are still mine. He’s yours in name only.” Her laughter echoed off the buildings.

  Billy stroked a hand down Claret’s dark flank. “Do you hear that, boy? Now you’re mine, and I’ll have an excuse to come home more often.”

  Tacking up a horse took a little longer than she remembered. She had to reacquaint herself with each piece of the equipment, and all the while Claret stood patiently and waited for his new master to complete her task.

  Once she cinched the belly strap of the saddle and tugged the reins over his ears, he knew it was time to ride and stomped his hoof on the ground.

  She took hold of the pommel on the front of the saddle and slid her foot into the stirrup. On the count of three, she pushed off on her right leg to gain momentum and heaved herself upwards, but she was unsuccessful in swinging her right leg over his body and ended up sliding down his side. Damn it! I thought I was still in great shape. This isn’t going to beat me!

  D
igging deep within herself, she bolstered her nerves and resolve as she tried to mount him again. This time she managed it with no problem and settled herself into the comfortable position she’d been taught to use when she was a child. She took the reins in her hands and wheeled Claret around to face her aunt. A stable hand passed her the helmet that clipped into place with a chinstrap, and she urged Claret on while controlling him with her legs.

  She and Sarah fell into place next to each other and rode their horses calmly out into the large field that led to another twenty acres of open land. A two-person bridleway lined the top far side of the field. Claret already knew where they were going, and Billy urged him into a trot. She stuck her tongue out at Sarah. “Come on, old lady, the sun will go down before we get there if we stick to your pace.”

  Sarah shot her the middle finger. “I’ll show you old lady!”

  Both their mounts moved fluidly into a canter. Billy laughed at the sensation. The warm air swarmed around her face and the slight breeze tickled her ears. I’ve missed this.

  The thought flew out of her head as her aunt flew past her, the mahogany bay nothing but a blur as they galloped across the lush green grass.

  “Come on, boy. Let’s show her what we’ve got.” She urged Claret up to a gallop with her thighs and laid her hands low, giving him his head and the freedom he wanted to run.

  Both of them laughed while they played around and gave their mounts a workout. Time was lost to Billy while she reminisced about all the good times she and Katie had spent in these fields. A smile of contentment graced her face as she pictured Katie riding with them. It was so real she could actually hear her laughter mixed with her own and Sarah’s.

  Two hours later, Billy and Claret galloped into the yard. She pulled back hard on his reins when they neared a hitching post close to one of the stables. After dismounting, she reached down and rubbed her aching legs and backside. I’m going to be sore later. She turned at the sound of fast-approaching hooves on the tarmac. Sarah, red-faced and grinning, pulled the bay mare up beside her.

  “You took your time,” Billy teased. She reached under Claret and undid the buckle of his saddle.

  Sarah shook her head and tied her mare to another post across the yard.

  Billy placed the saddle over a railing attached to the post and patted Claret’s flank. Dust flew from his coat and made her cough. “Bath time for you, buddy.” Trails of white sweat foamed where his saddle had been and streams of it gathered around his bridle. She took the saturated leather off Claret and replaced it with a bog-standard, nylon-padded, faded red head-collar. It had reinforced plastic fastenings and didn’t feel quite right in her hands. “We’ll have to do something about this before I go. Such a noble and handsome lad needs to stand out from the rest, and you deserve nothing but the best, my boy.” A stable hand appeared and took the tack from her.

  Claret’s ears flicked backwards and forwards at her soft-spoken words. He stomped his foot twice on the ground and with comedic timing bobbed his head up and down.

  An un-coiled hosepipe lay on the ground several feet from them. Picking it up, she ascertained that the nozzle was in the right position before checking the water pressure and temperature were right to spray him down. When she felt the slightly warmer water on her hand, she turned it off.

  A brass plaque hung over a large door built into the barn, indicating it was the entry to the supply store. She strode purposefully to it. Inside, she found everything she was looking for. A bucket became her collection vessel as she filled it with tools she’d need. A sweat scraper was a must. She needed to get the foam from Claret’s body. It would also help to remove all the dust and mud once she’d brushed him down with the curry comb and dandy brush.

  She walked past Sarah and her bay on the way out. Sarah’s eyes widened at the sight of what she was carrying. “Oh boy, you’re going all out with him today!”

  “Yep, he deserves it after such a beautiful run. Grooming relaxes me and I think we could stand a little more bonding time.” She placed her bucket on the floor and picked up the sweat scraper.

  A stable hand took Sarah’s mount from her.

  “I’ll leave you to it, then. I’ve some work to do. Come and find me in the stable offices when you’re finished.” Sarah kissed her on the cheek and took a step back. “Oh, and I trust I don’t have to remind you not to stand directly behind him?”

  “I know I look it, but I’m not that stupid,” Billy sighed. She waved Sarah away with her hand. “Go, I’ve got this, and by the time I’m finished with Claret you won’t recognise him. Set up some stud meetings for him; I can guarantee the owners of the mares will want to breed him with their girls once they see him.” She turned her attention back to Claret as Sarah’s laughter flowed across the courtyard.

  With the sweat scraper in hand, she moved to where Claret’s saddle had been. “We’ll show her, won’t we, big man?”

  Again, Claret dipped his head. It was a trick Katie had taught him, and to that day Billy still had no idea how he knew when to do it. It was one of her friend’s secrets she hadn’t been willing to part with.

  The bonding and brushing went on for over an hour. His coat shone more and more with each layer of dirt removed. His coat shone more and more with each layer of dirt removed, revealing the highly-uncommon tints of blue within it. It wasn’t unheard of for a black horse to appear blue in places, but they were becoming rarer. Many black horses’ coats held tints of red, and the longer they were in a paddock in the sunlight, the more apparent the red became.

  As she cleaned her equipment and washed the yard down to remove the strong, astringent odour of the shampoo, her aunt joined her.

  “Bloody hell, he looks amazing!” Sarah ran her hand down Claret’s flank then jumped backwards as his head swung around and he showed her his clean white teeth, ready to bite a chunk out of her if she forgot who he was. She stepped back, held her hands up, and he settled down. “You ornery old shit. I was admiring how handsome you look.”

  Billy sported a wide beaming smile from the praise. “He was filthy. I spent nearly twenty minutes on stripping the dust and loose hair off of him.”

  When she’d put her things away, she untied Claret from the post and led him back to the paddock. She walked him inside and patted his chest. “Be good. I promise to come back tomorrow. I’ll also bring you some sugar cubes.”

  Once she’d released the lead line, Claret bounded away from her, kicking up a cloud of brown dust as he frolicked and kicked his back legs out like a hyperactive child.

  “My work here is done!” Billy threaded her arm through her aunt’s and they ambled back to the farmhouse. “I need to change my shoes and run. The kids are coming to visit, and I need to do some shopping before they arrive.”

  When she had her hiking boots on and her backpack over her shoulder, Sarah pulled her into a bone-crunching hug. “I’ll see you later. Diane called while you were bathing Claret and invited me to dinner.”

  Billy sucked in a large breath as she was released. “See you tonight.” She kissed her aunt on the cheek before marching out the back door.

  Inside the car, she lowered the roof and plugged her iPod into the radio. So, where can I find something for Brandon and Lou? Aha! The toystore!

  Chapter Seven

  The trip was a huge success, so much so that she had to drop the backseats in her car to fit the presents for her niece and nephew. A quick stop off at the golf course and pro shop, to arrange gifts for her parents, and then it was time to go home.

  She settled in her seat and glanced at the clock on the dashboard. Damn, I’ve got an hour before madness ensues.

  When she drove into the village, she passed the graveyard and saw her aunt’s Toyota Tacoma parked in front of the church. She frowned and pulled a quick U-turn in the pub car park and stopped alongside the large truck.

  The gravel path had flint stones on either side to mark the edge. Billy rose up on her tiptoes to peer over the headstones. In front
of the cream Portland Stone marker sat her aunt. Her legs were crossed and her elbows rested atop her thighs while she leaned forward. Her lips were moving, but there was no way to tell what she was saying. Not wanting to intrude, Billy took a step backwards. A twig under the sole of her boots snapped loudly, announcing her presence. Sarah looked up and saw her.

  “Hey, Jolly, what’re you doing here? I thought you’d be sick of me by now.”

  “That’ll never happen. I saw your car and stopped to see if you were okay.” Her gaze fell on the details of Katie’s headstone. Her heart rate increased and she felt dizzy. With a shaking hand, she reached out for a nearby tree and leaned against it.

  Sarah jumped to her feet and took her arm. “You okay?”

  Billy’s eyes filled with tears and she shook her head, which caused them to fall and drop onto her cheeks and then the ground. “I…It’s just…Shit!” Her eyes were still stuck firmly on her best friend’s resting place.

  “I’m sorry, love, I should’ve remembered it’s only the second time you’ve been here.”

  Billy took a small, unsteady step forward. She reached out and ran the tip of her index finger over the detailed crown section of the Royal Rifles insignia. “I’m…sor…sorry. I shouldn’t have waited so long.”

  Sarah squeezed her shoulder. “You’re here now.” She resumed her previous position on the section of grass in front of the grave marker. “See, Kate, I told you Billy was in town and you’d be seeing her soon. I didn’t think it would be this quick though.”

  A few deep breaths cleared Billy’s mind and settled her racing heart. “Don’t listen to her, Kate. I was going to come and see you the day after tomorrow.” She saw some dead petals littering the grass in front of Sarah and bent to pick them up.