Composing Love

by Ronni Meyrick

  “No, I didn’t. I think you need to talk to her and tell her everything you’re feeling yourself.” She patted Billy on the cheek as she slid into the car. “You can heal together that way.”

  She jumped into the back seat and put her belt on. It was a five-minute journey to the pub, but it gave Billy a chance to admire the way her father’s car hugged the road and took every corner crisply. If anything goes wrong with the Mini, I might consider getting one of these. She intently studied the soft black leather interior and ran her fingers over the supple material, enjoying the comfort that cocooned the top of her legs and back. Her gaze landed on all the controls available on the dash. Jesus, is this a car or a spaceship?

  When they pulled into the pub car park, she noticed her Aunt Sarah waiting for them in the entrance porch. Billy unbuckled her seatbelt and was ready to bolt out of the car the second it stopped.

  As soon as the handbrake was engaged, she flew from the car and sprinted the distance that separated her from one of the most important women in her life. Their bodies jerked and a soft ‘oomph’ escaped them both at the impact as they wrapped their arms around each other. Matching tears streamed down their faces as whispered words were exchanged.

  Sarah placed her hands on the top of her adopted daughter’s arms and pushed her away. “Hello, my Jolly. It’s good to see you. I’ve missed you so much.”

  “You too, Aunt Sarah. I can’t believe it’s been so long.”

  Diane and Jim joined them and shared brief cheek kisses with their friend.

  Billy slipped her arm in Sarah’s and escorted her inside. “Mum, Dad, can you find us somewhere to sit while I get our drinks?” She rose up on her tiptoes to peer over people’s heads to see what their choices were and kept hold of her aunt’s arm to stop her from moving.

  The landlord of the pub, Eric, was an old school friend and offered her a drink on the house to welcome her home.

  They ordered the drinks and Billy handed her mother’s gin and tonic to Sarah. “I’ll be with you in a minute.” Once her aunt was out of earshot, she pulled her wallet out and passed over her credit card. “Can you please set a tab up for my group? Anything my parents or aunt want tonight is on me. If they order a drink, tell them to settle up after the quiz.”

  He accepted the card and slid it into a glass behind the bar and then placed it on a shelf above the till. “Sure thing, Bill. It’s good to have you home. We should meet for a round or two of golf while you’re here.”

  “Definitely. I’m staying with Mum and Dad. You can get hold of me there!”

  She moved away and wove her way through the crowd.

  As she approached her family, she saw her mother and Sarah were deep in conversation. When they noticed her, they stopped, and her aunt waved her mother into silence.

  “Okay, I’m hungry.” Sarah clapped her hands together loudly, which drew several looks from other patrons.

  “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.” Billy flipped open her menu and read through her options.

  Sarah’s loud laugh melted her heart. It was a sound she never tired of hearing, and it always filled her with joy. “I’d better warn Claret to keep his distance then.”

  Once the food was ordered, they settled down for a lengthy catch-up. The conversation was dominated by shared memories and the things Sarah had done to grow her business. At one point, the conversation turned to golf, her parents’—more her father’s—passion. She had to promise to play at least three rounds at the local club with them before she left.

  “I’m itching for a rematch and I think I can kick your arse this time.” Jim poked her in the side to ensure she knew he was kidding.

  Diane enlisted Jim’s help to collect another round of drinks and left Billy and Sarah alone to talk. Sarah put her arm around her shoulders and hugged Billy to her side. “What’s eating you, Jolly?”

  “A whole jumbled mess of things.” An image of Katie’s Portland Stone grave marker entered her thoughts. The crisp, stark whiteness stood out against the older headstones in the churchyard. The Royal Infantry insignia for the Rifles Regiment was carved deep into the stone, above Katie’s rank, name, date of death, and the age at which she passed. It was the age of her friend that affected her the most. At thirty-six years old, Katie still had a full life ahead of her. Billy’s eyes filled with tears. “I’m struggling.” Her chest tightened and she gulped back the sob that wanted to tear through her being. “Do you still miss her?”

  Sarah kissed her temple then rested her forehead against it. “Every damn day, and the only thing that stops me from falling apart is her memory. She wouldn’t have approved if I didn’t carry on. She loved the stables as much as I did, and apart from our family and the regiment, there was nothing she loved more.”

  Billy glanced up and saw her parents coming back. “Can I spend the day with you tomorrow? We can catch up and talk more about Katie. Perhaps I need to be reminded of her passion and love for everything around her. I can also see Claret. She would enjoy that, and I think he needs to see me as much as I do him. Kate was our link and I’m sure he misses her as much as I do.”

  “I’ll make arrangements for someone to cover the office. As long as there isn’t an emergency, we can have the whole day together.” Sarah moved her head away and ran her fingers through Billy’s short locks. “Acceptance isn’t easy, Jolly. But time is a great healer. You’ll never stop missing her… It just gets a little easier to deal with as the days pass.”

  Diane and Jim retook their chairs. She saw the subtle wink from her aunt to them. Nothing more was said as four large plates laden with food were placed on the table.

  ***

  Midnight approached fast and soon the Christian family were back at home. In the middle of the kitchen island sat a small silver trophy. It was shaped like an open book, and on the front was a tiny plate that had the words quiz winners engraved on it. Billy was in the middle of making them tea when her father whooped loudly, which in turn caused Devon to bark. Her hand slipped, the spout fell off the rim of the mug, and hot water poured over the kitchen counter.

  “Damn it, Dad! I could’ve burned myself!” She soaked up the water with some paper towels and wiped the side down with a cloth.

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to.”

  Diane playfully cuffed him on the shoulder and pointed to the dog bouncing around at his feet. “As punishment for hyping the dog up, you get to go into the garden with him for his last ablutions.” Once he was out of the back door, she stepped up to Billy’s side. “What was that about plans tomorrow?”

  “Aunt Sarah and I are going riding. We talked a little about Katie tonight and plan to do more tomorrow. It hurt, but my heart is less heavy reliving my memories of her.” From the window, she could see a yellow ball of fur. Devon streaked back and forth, avoiding the lumbering figure of her father, who was trying to catch hold of him. No doubt the fuzzball will be sleeping with me tonight. I hope Dad remembers to wipe his paws off. A smirk fell over her lips as she heard her father cussing at the dog and telling him to get back inside.

  Her mother’s voice cut through her musings. “Sarah’s been worried about you for a while now.” Diane took her mug and sipped from it. “She told me that each time you two had spoken, she noticed how hard you were working and came to the same conclusion as Vanessa and me.” She waited for Billy to digest that piece of information. Her hand covered the one that lay on the countertop and squeezed it. “I know she struggles, too. I’m sure that’s what she’s going to talk to you about. You both need to get everything out in the open.”

  “Sometimes I don’t really know where to start with talking about Kate.” Her gaze was still locked on the window.

  She hugged Billy’s arm and turned her face with a gentle hand on her cheek. “Just because someone isn’t here anymore doesn’t mean you have to stop caring about them.”

  Before she could reply, a loud shout and crash came from the garden.

  “Oh no!” A couple of beats of
silence followed. Then her father’s voice came again. But this time it was deeper and a lot faster. “Devon, I’m going to bloody skin you alive, you little bastard!”

  “What the hell has happened now?” Billy puckered her lips together and let out a shrill whistle. “Devon, come on. Time for bed, buddy.”

  The dog streaked through the kitchen trailing mud and grass in his wake.

  “Oh, damn it! It’s in my hair, my t-shirt. Shit, it’s even in my bloody trousers.” Jim’s voice was near-animalistic.

  Billy snatched a towel off the hook in the utility room and grabbed Devon’s collar. While she wiped his paws, she glanced over at her mother. “You’d better go and see if Dad is okay. He seems to be taking his time in coming in.” No sooner had the words left her lips, her father stepped through the back door. Devon squirmed manically to be free from her grasp. “What the hell happened?” She heard Devon’s heavy paw-steps as he sprinted up the stairs. He’s gone to hide in my room.

  She covered her mouth as she gazed at her father. His jeans and white shirt were saturated with clumps and smears of dark chocolate-coloured mud. His back was plastered in it, his face was covered, his hair slicked back with the same concoction, and he looked to have been in a wallow. Her raucous laugh mixed with her mother’s and echoed around the kitchen.

  “The little shit tore past me like a bullet out of a gun and smacked into the back of my legs, which sent me flying into a fresh pile of topsoil I’d watered down this morning, ready for my plants tomorrow.” He stood in the doorway of the utility room. When he wiped his face, he managed to flick splatters of dirt all over the walls.

  Billy and her mother covered their noses with their hands as their mirth caused them to double over.

  “Jim, you stink!” Diane took a step back and screwed her face up in revulsion.

  “You added manure to the soil before you put it in, didn’t you?” Billy’s laughter was uncontrollable, and she had to lean against the fridge for support. “Way to go, Dad! Not only are you a mess of wet soil, you also rolled around in a tonne of horse shit.” Tears of joy rolled down her cheeks. She kissed her mother on the top of her head and tried to control her chuckles. “I’ll leave you with the abominable shit monster and say good night.” She rinsed her mug and put it in the dishwasher before heading to the stairs.

  When she reached the top of them, she had to stop and steady herself. She chortled again when she heard her mother’s reprimanding tone as she issued orders to her father.

  She stepped into her bedroom and was greeted by Devon, who was stretched out on the right side of her bed, wagging his tail, and the sweet smile from earlier was now more like a smug grin. How is it possible for a dog to do that? She stretched out across the bed and ruffled Devon’s ears. “I’d keep up the cute act if I were you, buddy. You’re on Dad’s shit list again.”

  After changing into her boxers and sleep t-shirt, she slipped under the covers. No matter how tired she was, a surge of excitement raced through her veins. “I can’t wait to see Claret tomorrow and finally be back in the saddle.”

  Her eyes slid closed as she relaxed into the soft memory foam mattress and duck-feather pillows. You can be excited in the morning. You need to sleep or you’ll be no good to anyone tomorrow.

  Chapter Six

  Miles of lush green pasture stretched as far as the eye could see. Sprinkles of yellow from the fields of rapeseed cut through the stark colour. In the distance, a red combine harvester ploughed a path through it. The smell it created was a nightmare for anyone who suffered from allergies, but the fragrance was another thing that reminded her of home.

  She flipped on her turn indicator and eased her car onto the road that would take her to the farmhouse, mentally preparing herself to be jostled around like a sweater in a washing machine as she navigated the old shingled road that was littered with hundreds of potholes. When the wheels came into contact with a hard, flat surface, she stomped on her brakes and stopped the car. Out of the windshield, she saw the path in front of her was no longer what she expected. The black winding road slithered like a snake through the pastures, past the stable buildings and up to the house. Bloody hell! I wonder what else Aunt Sarah’s changed around here?

  Her question was answered when she drove onwards. The old stable buildings had been refurbished. They were freshly painted and had new roofs and windows installed, and the air conditioning boxes on the roof told her that heating had been added for the horses’ comfort in winter. The number of exercise arenas had quadrupled, each edged with the same white fencing that enclosed the pastures she’d passed on the way in. Soft, freshly-raked sand lined each, and some viewing seats had been arranged around the outside. A number of newer buildings had been added behind the house and stable blocks.

  I wonder if she won the lottery.

  She parked her car and saw the door at the side of the house was wide open. Billy glanced at the front entrance and bit her lip. She’d never used it; they’d always entered through the kitchen or the tradesman entrance, as her Aunt Sarah called it. So, why should things change?

  With her rucksack on her shoulder, she locked the car and walked up the narrow path. “Hi, Aunt Sarah,” she called out when she strode into the kitchen.

  “Hey, Jolly.” Sarah packed a plastic tub of fruit salad into one of the saddle bags she had on the counter in front of her. “Do you want a drink before we head out to the paddocks to find our mounts?”

  Billy put her things down on one of the chairs surrounding the large pine table that seated eight. “I’ll make it. I should know where everything is, unless you’ve changed it.”

  “Nope, it’s all in the same place.”

  She strutted around the familiar kitchen as though she belonged. The sensation of being in the place she called her second home warmed her heart. It felt like she’d never been away. “What’s with all the changes around here?”

  Sarah lifted the loaded saddle bags with ease. She took them into the utility room and placed them next to the door. “I decided it was time. I’ve spent little on the upkeep over the years and it looked horrid. Once I realised the clientele I could garner with a little polish, it was a no-brainer. Now I have several celebrities stabling with me, and a lot of people in London keep their horses here and come down on the weekends to ride. I’m actually thinking about adding more as the breeding programme has become popular. I’m selling a lot of foals.”

  “From the stock I saw in the paddocks, you have some very nice horses.” She set a cup on the table as Sarah took her seat.

  “Claret is my highest earning stallion. He might be a stubborn bugger, but he produces some wonderful babies.” She picked up a long box from the chair next to her. “I’m not sure if you remembered to bring any with you, but I still want you to have these.” She passed it to Billy.

  Taking the seat opposite Sarah, and acting like a child at Christmas, Billy tore into the wrappings and tissue paper. Under the lid and nestled in another layer of paper was a pair of black knee-high Ariat Monaco riding boots. The smell of new leather permeated the room.

  “Wow, these are amazing. Thank you. Where did you get them from?”

  Sarah didn’t look up but reached blindly across the space for Billy’s hands. “They were meant for Katie. I bought them for her birthday the year she died and was never able to give them to her. I want to pass them on to my second daughter. I think she would’ve liked that.”

  “Oh, Aunt Sarah, I can’t accept these.” She held the box out to her. “They’re too precious.”

  “There’s no point in leaving them in a box to gather dust and they’re too big for me.” Her head came up and she offered a sad smile. “Please, take them. She would’ve wanted you to have them.” She pushed the box back.

  Billy’s breath caught in her throat and her lower lip wobbled as a tear formed in the corner of her eye. She leaned down and kissed the top of her aunt’s hand. “Thank you. At least this way I’ll have something of hers with me when I ride.�
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  Sarah pulled her hands back and picked her mug up. “So, tell me what else brings you home. Spare us both the hassle of telling me the bullshit you told your mother. I can read you like an open book, Billy.”

  As usual, she couldn’t get anything past her aunt. She always knew when something was wrong and when Billy needed to talk. In fact, Sarah was the first person she’d ever come out to. She’d helped Billy when she needed it the most and even went with her when she told her parents.

  “I didn’t tell them anything but the truth. This was something too important to leave out.” She drew a deep breath in and explained about the medical problem she was experiencing. “But now that I’m home relaxing, I feel a lot better. I hope by the time I go back to London, and to work, I’ll be able to come off the pills.” She glanced out of the large window above the sink.

  “What else?” Sarah cleared her throat and bumped her foot against Billy’s leg under the table. Silence ensued for a couple of minutes as Billy glanced at anything other than her aunt. “Belinda Maria Christian, you tell me the rest now! I want to get out in the field so we can enjoy ourselves. However, we’re not leaving the house until you confess everything.”

  A mammoth sob rippled through Billy and her head fell into her hands. Tears streamed from her eyes, down her cheeks, and through the spaces in her fingers onto her jeans. “I…miss her…so much—”

  Sarah jumped up from her seat and moved to her side. She wrapped her arms around Billy’s shoulders. “I know, kid… I know.”

  “How do you cope with this?” She sniffed a couple of times and wiped a rough hand over her cheeks. “My soul feels incomplete without her.” She clutched at her aunt’s arms and pulled them tighter.

  Sarah winced from the pain of her hold. “Jolly, I know Katie’s death hit you really hard, and it was the last thing any of us expected. But she’s gone. I miss her every day too, but I don’t let it consume me—I can’t! The world continues to spin, my sweet Billy, and Kate would never want to see us like this. Each day is a struggle, and it hurts like hell that we’ll never see her again or hear her voice. However, we do have something that will enable us to have a little bit of her with us—our memories. Nobody can take those away.”