Desertion

by River Savage

  I shouldn’t have gone after her yesterday. I should’ve ignored myself when I thought it would be easy to talk face-to-face with her. I went to her pissed, ready to rip her a new one for fucking with me, but left agreeing to help her. When she told me her situation, I knew I was fucked. I don’t know why I felt the need to bargain with her. If I’m being honest, I would’ve helped regardless. The way she looked up at me telling me about her sister, all-innocent, and me turning it into a chance to get in her pants just proves what an asshole I really am.

  “What’s this about?” Sy asks, catching the last few lines of our conversation.

  “Paige Johnson, you remember her?” I ask, surprised Beau knew the name when I asked.

  “Name doesn’t sound familiar.” Sy stops to think.

  “He wouldn’t have been around. She went missing six years ago. Never came home from work.” Beau fills him in. “Police think she ran. Family is adamant she didn’t.”

  “What’s it got to do with us?” Sy looks between the both of us.

  “Bell is Paige’s sister.”

  “Bell?”

  “Nurse Bell,” Beau explains.

  “Oh, I see.” Sy smirks, and I know I’m about to get it.

  “You don’t see anything,” I tell him, not in the mood to justify asking for Beau’s help on this.

  “You have her in your bed one night, next you got the club in on her shit,” Sy responds.

  “You got it twisted, bro.” I hate that he might be right.

  “Seems like she’s got you twisted.” I know he’s fucking with me, but he’s wrong. The only thing that’s got me twisted is the fact that Bell’s sister has been missing for six years.

  “If we can help her, why shouldn’t we? How would you feel if Holly went missing?” I feel myself getting worked up and I need someone to take it out on.

  “Bit different. She’s not some fuck I nailed and kicked out. But I feel ya.”

  “Fuck you, Sy.” I get in his face, but he just laughs in mine.

  “Relax, bro, just fucking with you.” Sy slaps me on the back but it doesn’t calm me. I might be a player, might want to bury myself in any woman who has a sweet pussy and big tits, but I’m not helping Bell find Paige for those reasons. Aren’t I? Fuck, I don’t even know anymore. I fucking want to say I’m a good guy, the kind of man who would do anything to help find a lost woman, but what is really happening here?

  “Oh, how the tables have turned,” Sy taunts and it pisses me off. Fuck, this is what it’s like when I hang shit on them.

  “Take a breather, Jesse,” Beau orders, and I nod listening to my VP. “I’ll keep you posted. Got a meet with Tiny this week.”

  “Thanks,” I say and move from the bar toward the exit. I have a meet with my brother anyway. I don’t need Sy’s shit. “Later,” I call, not waiting for a reply.

  “He’s so doing this for pussy,” I hear Sy say as I turn the corner. I don’t stop to defend myself. He can think what he wants. I might have twisted whatever I needed to twist in order to get Bell to go on a date with me, but had she turned me down, I still would be putting my feelers out. Deep down, when I really think about it, I fucking know that. I also know a date is the last thing this woman needs, but fuck, I can’t help but take what I need. If it were any other woman, I’d agree with Sy. Hell, I know I wouldn’t need to ask for a date or waste the time to take her out and feed her. I’d just bring her back here and fuck her senseless. But with a woman like Bell, I know I need to dig deeper.

  So why am I doing it?

  Who fucking knows. I’m an asshole. That’s all there is to it.

  * * *

  “You been well?” my older brother Jackson asks an hour later as the waitress places the food down in front of us.

  “Yeah, same shit different day.” I shrug, taking a bite of my burger. He nods, taking in my reply before picking up his own burger. The tension between us grows as we eat in silence, neither of us really sure how to talk to each other. I can’t even remember the last time I haven’t felt tension between us. It’s like it’s always been there, and nothing we do, or say takes it away.

  “You?” I ask, taking a sip of my drink and wait for his standard reply.

  “Busy. Work is crazy.” I nod, holding back an eye roll. Same shit every time. “You speak to Mom lately?” he adds, and I’m not surprised.

  “Not for a couple weeks. Why?”

  “You know she worries.” He stops eating and levels his stare on me.

  “Jackson,” I warn, hating when it always comes back to this. Always back to this shit with my family.

  “You need to pull your head out of your ass, Jesse.”

  “That’s rich coming from you. Must be fucking lonely up on that high horse of yours.” I drop my burger and sit back. When it comes to our family issues, it always comes back on me. I’m the black sheep of the family, and as much as I love them, fuck, they piss me off.

  “Do you ever think of anyone but yourself?” he spits, but I don’t want to hear it today.

  “Don’t fucking start, Jackson. It’s not the reason I called to meet up.” I keep my fist clenched under the table. If he keeps up with his fucking attitude, it will connect with his fucking face.

  “She worries.” He pushes like I knew he would. It always comes back down to what Mom would think.

  “Did she ever worry when he was beating my ass? Putting me down?”

  “Don’t start this shit again, Jesse.” He shakes his head. But he doesn’t get it. He didn’t have it like I did. “It’s just the way he is. You know this. He lives by structure. You have to understand, Jesse, all the shit Dad did was years ago. He’s a changed man.”

  “I’m a former Marine. I fucking know structure, asshole.” I hate it when he puts it back on what Dad went through. Explaining away his abuse because he saw some fucked-up shit.

  “Jesse, the shit he’s seen, dealt with, you know it hasn’t been easy.”

  “You don’t think I’ve got shit to deal with? What I lived through hasn’t affected me? I fucking did seven years for him. I fucking lost everything to make him happy. You see the asshole happy? No, ‘cause I’m still a fuck-up to him. Jackson, there’s more than you fucking know, so don’t defend the asshole to me. There’s only so many times he can blame his career for being a shit father.”

  “He’s better. He’s doing better.” He tries a different angle, but I’m not buying into it. The man means nothing to me. I’m done trying to win his attention.

  “Better? Well, good for fucking him. It doesn’t make the years he fucked up better. Jackson, I’m not talking about this.” I shake my head, trying to forget all thoughts of my father. “I need your help.”

  “What’s new?” He sighs, going back to his food.

  “Fuck off. We help you a lot.” I put it back on him. He scoffs but he knows it. The Rebels have helped Jackson on a few cases, and vice versa. We might have questionable ways of doing things in the club, but Jackson can’t deny it’s a two-way street with us.

  “What do you need?” He drops the guilt trip and I’m thankful. I can’t talk to him about Dad.

  “Paige Johnson,” I say and watch him stop eating and sit a little straighter. “You know who I’m talking about?”

  “Everyone knows Paige Johnson. Been an open case for six years. Worked on it for a few years before I moved out of town. The whole thing never sat well with me.”

  “So you don’t think she ran?” I ask, wondering why Bell thinks the police say Paige ran.

  “I don’t think she ran. A few others have their opinion, but we’ve always hit a dead end. Why are you asking about her?”

  “Her sister.” I go back to my burger, my appetite coming back.

  “Bell?”

  “You know Bell?” I tense, waiting for his answer.

  “Yeah, she’s been very active in trying to find Paige.” I nod, picturing Bell doing everything she could to help find her sister.

  “Why are you asking ab
out Bell?” He watches me carefully. The air around us changes and the vibe I’m getting off him isn’t good.

  “She’s asked for help,” I shrug, knowing he won’t accept my blasé answer.

  “No, Jesse, leave this alone. You’re in way over your head here.” He shakes his head, but I’m not going to listen to him.

  “Can’t leave it alone, Jackson. Bell asked us to step in. We’re gonna try to do what we can.” He shakes his head again and I’m starting to see a pattern.

  “What’s your relationship with Bell?” He changes tactic, but I pick up on it.

  “She’s a friend.” I shrug, not prepared to label what Bell and I have. What do we have? I have broken visions of her jerking me off, me being an ass to her, and then blackmailing her into a date. Does that qualify as friends?

  “Jesus, Jesse. She’s a good girl. Comes from a good family. She doesn’t need you messing her up by getting her involved with the Rebels.”

  “Because we’re scum?” My back straightens, ready to defend my club. He’s right. Bell is a good girl, but she doesn’t have to be worried when it comes to the Rebels. It’s rather me she has to be worried about.

  “No, because she’s innocent. Plus, her whole family is messed up.”

  “Jackson, I appreciate your concern, but you know me, I’m not interested in innocent,” I lie, knowing innocent has recently become my preferred taste.

  “Good.” He nods, buying into my lie. “She really doesn’t need your shit.” He gives a final jab, but I don’t let his judgment of me rub me wrong. I’m used to it. I love my brother, but like my father, he’s set in his own ways. The way we were raised is how he lives his life. I do not.

  “So what do you know?” I asked, hoping he will shed some light.

  “I’ll have to check the file, but from what I can remember, we don’t have much.” He sighs. “Paige was sixteen when she didn’t make it home that night after work. Her father was meant to pick her up, but she texted saying she had a lift with her boyfriend. When police interviewed her boyfriend, no plans were made. She finished work, left through the staff entrance, and she was gone.”

  “Bell believes she’s still alive,” I say, more inclined to believe her. I get the family will always hold hope, but the conviction in the way she believes it, is enough to pull me into her way of thinking.

  “Her body hasn’t been found. Yet.”

  “You think she’s dead?”

  “No, I don’t know what I think. Last bit of evidence led to no leads. It’s a dead end.”

  “Well, we’re putting some feelers out.”

  “You’re not gonna do anything,” Jackson orders, but I don’t answer to him.

  “I’m gonna try,” I counter knowing he will cave. As much as we piss each other off, we have each other’s back.

  “I know you will.” He sighs before taking a sip from his drink.

  “Your help would be appreciated.”

  “You want my help, you come to games night this month.” He has me by the balls. Fucking games night.

  “You remember what happened last games night?” I ask, thinking back to the last one I attended and the fight my father and I got into over playing a game.

  “You two both need to get your shit together. And you need to not push him.”

  “I don’t do any fuckin’ thing. He’s the one—”

  “Mom wants you there,” he cuts me off, and of course he plays the mom card. “You want my help, you come.” Fuck. I’ve managed to keep my distance from that house over the years. Only needing to see my father at the bare minimum. Am I willing to cave and endure seeing him for Bell?

  “Fine,” I nod, agreeing against my better judgment. If it means he’ll help us, I’ll do it one time. One time for Bell. I’m already fucking bending rules for the nurse. I can see myself getting in too deep. Getting messed up in the shit that comes with a woman like Bell. But does it stop me? Fuck no. After everything I’ve been through, I still don’t know when to fucking step back.

  “Good.” His smile bleeds victory, but I don’t know why he’s so happy. Knowing my family, he won’t be smiling next week.

  Eight

  BELL

  “You look beautiful, Bell.” My dad’s deep voice stops me as I step into our kitchen.

  “Thanks, Dad.” I walk to where he sits at the bench and kiss his tanned cheek. He wraps his arms around me and squeezes me tightly in one of his six-foot bear hugs. He smells of metal and oil from his day at work down on the docks. His company builds boats and services them. He doesn’t normally get dirty, but since we just survived yet another anniversary of Paige being missing, he spends more and more time away.

  “You stink. Let me go.” I pull back but he doesn’t release me just yet.

  “Just a bit longer,” he says, before finally letting me go. I flick his ear and move away from him before he pulls me back.

  “I’ll get you for that, squirt.” A slow smile spreads across his face, one that doesn’t reach his blue eyes. It never reaches anymore. Long gone is the man who would embarrass me with bad jokes and laugh until he would cry at our displeasure. The man who would drive us to sleep overs and scare boys away with his over protectiveness. I’m so used to seeing this older, sadder man who sits before me, I wouldn’t recognize that man any more.

  “Where are you going tonight, Bell?” Mom asks, breaking up the small amount of lightness my dad lets himself have.

  “Just to the movies with Lissy.” I let my lie roll off my tongue with ease. I’m not going to the movies with Lissy, but a date with a biker. Jesse. It’s wrong to lie to my mother, and I know I shouldn’t do it, but there is no way on God’s green earth she would be okay with me going on a date. Even if I’m twenty-three years old. I know how ridiculous it sounds. Believe me, if I weren’t me, I would think it was crazy, but after everything we have been through, I’ve never wanted to disappoint her, or stress her out with the thought of me dating.

  “What movie are you seeing?” My younger sister asks as she slides up to the counter, catching my lie. I should have known she would be watching me. Ava was only twelve years old when Paige went missing. Her attitude toward Mom’s straight rules and Dad’s inability to rein her in has never gone down well. Her emo, grunge look she’s currently sporting is a testament to her rebellious attitude.

  “I’m not sure yet. Probably some chick flick.” I flash her my you-can’t-catch-me grin.

  “Well, just make sure you’re back before midnight.” Mom looks up from the pot she’s stirring. She’s beautiful, even for fifty. In the last six years, she has aged a lot, but her beauty remains. Paige looked the most like her, her light brown hair and dark eyes striking enough to make you look twice. Even now, if I sit long enough, I can see Paige, catch a glimpse of her in my mother’s features. I wonder what it’s like for my mom to look in the mirror, or for Dad, who constantly looks at her, to see the daughter they lost, looking back at them.

  “I’m not sure I’m going to make it home before then, Mom.” I keep my voice level, even though I’m freaking out on the inside. I don’t know why I just did that, but with all the lies I’ve been telling, I can’t keep up. I need to be honest.

  “What do you mean you’re not sure?” I can hear the tremor in her voice, see the distress in her face, but I can’t let it deter me. I need to stay strong. Pushing it tonight, of all nights isn’t wise, especially with my date with Jesse on the line. I know she’s only going to worry, but I can’t stop hearing Lissy’s words in my head. I need to step up, step away from a past that is holding me back.

  “I’m going to message you,” I say, picking up my keys ready to drop this on her and then escape.

  “Isabella,” she calls me by my given name and I cringe. She only calls me Isabella when I go against her wishes.

  “Mom—”

  “No, Isabella. You know I will worry.” Her hands find the counter, bracing for support.

  “Karen,” Dad speaks up, but I can see my mom’s p
anic starting to deepen.

  “Don’t Karen me.” She looks up at my father, silently demanding he step in. I can hear it now.

  Chris, don’t you dare make me out to be the bad guy. Say something.

  I know I’m hurting her; even the thought of me not agreeing to a curfew has her panicked, but what she doesn’t understand is she’s hurting me. Keeping me prisoner in her fear, caged in her insecurities is only pushing me away. Everything she is trying to do, to keep me here, is only making me want to pull away.

  “I’m going to be safe.” I tell her like every other time I leave the house.

  “You know I worry, Bell.” She steps forward and takes me in her arms.

  “I know, Mom, but I’m not sixteen. I’m not Paige.” I flinch when I say it but she needs to hear it. She needs to hear it from me.

  “That’s not fair, Isabella.” She recoils like I’ve slapped her, and it’s almost like I have.

  “I know, Mom. But do you think this is fair for me? For Ava?” I step out of her arms and prepare for an argument that is sure to follow. I wasn’t prepared for it, but now I’ve started, I want to get it all out. I want her to know it’s not okay to make me feel this way.

  “I’m trying to protect you,” she whispers and the sorrow behind her words is tough to hear.

  “From what? From life? ’Cause it’s what you’re stopping us from doing. You’re stopping us from living our lives.” Her intake of breath tells me I’ve delivered my blow, but a part of me wants to push even further. At what point is it too much? Am I meant to sit back and be okay when every year goes by and I lose a bigger part of myself? She’s not happy she lost one child; she’s forcing us to lose ourselves?

  “Bell, you should go. You don’t want to be late.” Dad steps in before Mom can react. I nod and carefully retreat.

  “I’m sorry,” I say, but the damage has been done. Dad gives me a wink and nods to the door, while still holding my mom. I turn and catch my sister’s eyes. She drops her brows like she doesn’t get me. I’ve never stood up to my parents, always going with the flow. Seeing me stand up would be strange for her.