Desertion

by River Savage

  “I’ll message you when I’m on my way home,” I tell the room, but no one responds. “I love you,” I whisper, picking up my coat.

  “Be safe, sweetheart,” Dad says over Mom’s head.

  “I will,” I promise, taking one last look at Mom before I turn and head for the door. I love my family more than anything. Even though I just pushed my mom, I won’t allow myself to feel guilty. I need to live my life even if there’s a risk. I’m doing everything I can to find Paige. If they knew my reason, they would understand.

  * * *

  “Bell.” Jesse stands from the booth in Fireside Bar and waves me over. He wanted to pick me up, but I shot him down very quickly, telling him I would meet him. He didn’t push, but I could tell he wasn’t happy. I thought I’d risk an annoyed Jesse over my mother having a fit.

  Taking a steady breath, I navigate myself through the dance floor, pushing past sweaty bodies, and make my way to Jesse. Wiping my hands down my jeans, I pray that my racing heart settles. I don’t know why Jesse makes me so nervous, but I do know there’s something about his bad-boy attitude and happy demeanor that draws me to him. Thinking about it, it’s the way he doesn’t care how people perceive him, or the way he takes any situation and sees everything as a joke. Like he can see the funny side in everything. I wish I could see it like him.

  “You made it.” A crooked smile forms and my pulse quickens. It’s the same look he gave me when he pushed his fingers inside of me last week.

  Raw.

  Wild.

  Free.

  He’s wearing his Rebels’ cut and a pair of dark-washed jeans, completing his signature look. So simple, but he looks good, too good.

  “You think I would’ve stood you up?” I lose my jacket and slide into the booth seat.

  “It was fifty-fifty.” He laughs before sliding in next to me. I wasn’t expecting him to follow me in to this side, and all of a sudden, I feel trapped.

  “Well, I want to find my sister.”

  “Yes, your sister.” He clears his throat, and turns his body back to the table. His change in demeanor confuses me for a second. Did he really expect me to forget about Paige?

  “Did you find anything out?” I ask, wondering if this is all for nothing.

  “Spoke to my brother. He was a detective on your sister’s case up until last year.”

  “Detective Carter?” I ask, shocked for a second. Wow, I didn’t pick up on the connection until now.

  “Yeah.” He nods, not looking happy about it.

  “You don’t look anything alike.” I compare Jesse’s blond hair and blue eyes to Detective Carter’s dark hair and brown eyes.

  “Thank fuck too.” He runs a hand through his messy hair. “He’s an ugly fucker.” I don’t know if he really believes it, but Detective Carter is anything but ugly. “Why are you looking like you don’t agree?” he questions and I almost choke on my answer.

  “Well, I wouldn’t call Jackson ugly.” I keep the truth in my answer.

  “Jackson? You on a first name basis with all the detectives on your sister’s case or just my brother?” Jesse’s tone changes and his eyes darken while he waits for my answer.

  “Well, he was working Paige’s case the first five years. We came to know each other. I was disappointed when he transferred out. Since then, I’ve had nothing. I think if I didn’t go in there once a month and remind them who she is, they’d forget.” I feel myself getting worked up.

  “Should I be concerned you’re on first name basis with my brother?”

  “I don’t know why it would concern you, Jesse.”

  “Because if there’s more to whatever is happening here, then I need to know.”

  “What is happening here?” I ask, but he doesn’t respond. “Jesse, the only thing happening here is I’m trying to find my sister.” He keeps quiet, watching me closely. I don’t know what he wants me to say. It’s almost like he’s jealous I know Jackson. Shaking the thought away I hold his stare. “Say something, Jesse.” The silence is too much.

  “I want to fuck you, Bell. I’m not going to lie. There’s something about you.” He throws it out there, and just like every time he says something inappropriate to me, my stomach dips in excitement. How can words make me ache for something I have no business wanting?

  “Jesse, I want to find my sister. Don’t make me do something I’m not ready for,” I reply, revealing my insecurities.

  “I know. Which is why I can’t do this. I shouldn’t have used this against you. I’m sorry for putting this on you, Bell.” He slides out of the booth and stands.

  “What? Where are you going?” I ask, panicked when my last chance of finding Paige is slipping away.

  “I’m leaving. I shouldn’t have come. I’ll do what I can to help you find Paige. We don’t have to do this.”

  “Wait.” The word falls over my lips before I know what I’m saying. He stops when my hand reaches up to his. “I don’t understand,” I stumble a little. What is it with him? I feel like he’s so hot and cold and I’m left dealing with the after effects and can’t catch up.

  “You’re a good girl, Bell. I shouldn’t have asked you here.” He shakes his head. “You should go.”

  “What if I don’t want to go?” Why I’m asking I don’t know, but my body refuses to get up and leave. Jesse has just given me an out, but the thought of cutting the date short disappoints me.

  “You should want to go,” he whispers and I know he’s right, but tonight has been a night of firsts. This is the first time I’m listening to my heart, not my head.

  “Why?” I ask, not understanding why he went through all this trouble to get me on a date and not even ten minutes into said date, he’s ready to leave.

  “Believe me when I tell you I don’t want to leave, but I should,” he continues, not making sense to me.

  “I’d very much like you to stay.” He doesn’t say anything nor does he move to come back to the booth, so I push a little more.

  “Please.”

  “If you insist, sweetheart.” He slides back in and the butterflies that have been swarming since I agreed to this date flutter and take flight again. I know a man like Jesse Carter is bad news, but I’ve come this far. Why give up so soon?

  Nine

  JESSE

  “Oh, my God.” Bell laughs at my stupid joke and I can’t help but laugh along with her. I’ve never wanted to make anyone laugh as much as I do with Bell. It’s been a few hours; we’ve eaten, talked, laughed and I even shared a few stories of my past.

  “Do you take anything seriously?” she asks and I stop smiling to weigh her question.

  “I spent a long time being serious, Bell.” She stops smiling this time and sits a little straighter.

  “I can imagine it must have been hard for you, Jesse,” she says, looking up at me, and for a minute, I worry she can see past it all—the façade I put on for the world—but I know I’m over thinking it. Fuck, I’m not that person anymore. Some might say it would be impossible to call me serious. My father would say I’ve never taken anything seriously in my life, but it’s not the truth. When you’ve lived a life like mine, serious becomes you. I, for one, know what it’s like to stare death in the face, all those past disappointments, past pains, past losses, it all becomes meaningless. You become thankful for the goodness around, you become grateful for the second chances and you see everything in a different light.

  “There’s a time and a place for serious, sweetheart,” I say, not prepared to get into it with her tonight. Our date, if you would call it that, has been anything but serious, and now is not the time to head down that path.

  “You’re a puzzle, Jesse. You really are.” She takes a sip of her soda and I hold back my smile. When we ordered, I expected her to order some fancy chick drink, but she informed me she doesn’t drink alcohol. I don’t know why it pleases me, but it does. Maybe because she is just different from what I’m used to. It might make me a hypocrite but I don’t give a fuck. Dealing w
ith someone who drinks and changes under the influence gets under my skin.

  “You trying to figure me out, Bell?” I bounce my brows and just like that, a blush spreads across her cheeks. I’m walking a dangerous line teasing and playing with her like this, but I can’t help it. I tried to walk away, tried to spare her the pain and heartbreak I would eventually bring to her, but when she reached out her hand and touched me, I knew I was fucked. What is it about her? I know I’ll never be what she needs, but it’s not stopping me from getting what I need.

  “I should get going.” She ignores my flirting and reaches for her phone.

  “Don’t run away. I’ll behave, promise,” I half beg. If only the boys could see me now. Begging a woman to stay so we can talk more. I’m just not ready for her to leave me right now. I need to know more about her and what it is that draws me to her.

  “You, behave?” She snorts and I burst out laughing.

  “You’re a snorter,” I accuse and watch her eyes bug out of her head. Jesus, she’s cute.

  “I am not!” she scoffs but I can tell she agrees. “I really should get going. My mom will freak out if I’m too late,” she says as she types into her phone. I look down at my watch and see it’s half past twelve.

  “You have a curfew?” I don’t know if she’s joking, or if she is just trying to get out of our date early. I know she is a little younger than me, but at twenty-three, you would think she shouldn’t have to worry about her parents.

  “Not really.” She tips her head sideways. It’s only a small gesture, but something changes in her eyes, like she’s lost in a memory and can’t find her way out. “My mom kind of freaks out if I’m out too late. Ever since Paige never came home, she’d been different.”

  “Makes sense.” I nod, not pushing the subject. Jackson said they were messed up, and I get it.

  “Well, thank you for dinner. Surprisingly, I had a good night.” She begins to slide out of the booth. Giving me the cue to move.

  “You’re surprised you had a good night?” I question as I drop a hundred down on the table.

  “Let me pay, too,” she begins to fight me on it, but I don’t let her.

  “You were saying you had a good night.” I turn to her.

  “If I’m being honest, yeah I did.” She pushes her arms into her jacket.

  “Well, now I’m shocked,” I tease.

  “Well, you should be. You’re incorrigible, Jesse.” She shakes her head and picks up her purse.

  “I can’t help it with a beautiful woman like you.” She rolls her eyes but I ignore it and follow her out to her car. I can tell when she fights her reaction to my lame jokes, as she calls them, and I find myself trying to make her react with each one.

  “Can I get your number?” I ask when we slow our pace in front of a row of cars. We passed my bike a few spaces back, but I want to make sure she gets to her ride safely.

  “Jesse, don’t.”

  “I need to be able to contact you with any information,” I tell her, watching her start to freak out.

  “Oh, okay.” She nods and shoots off her number for me to add. I send her a quick text for her to have mine and then pocket my phone.

  “When Jackson gets the files, we can see where we need to go from there.” I step forward. She retreats slowly but doesn’t protest.

  “I really appreciate everything, Jesse.” She swallows and I can tell having me so close affects her.

  “I really want to kiss you, Bell.” The words fall from my mouth and I don’t even care. It’s true. I want to kiss her so fucking bad.

  “I don’t think this is a good idea,” she whispers, but I’ve never been one to give up so easily.

  “I think it’s the best idea I’ve had all night,” I tell her, taking her face in my hands.

  “Jesse,” she sighs, but I don’t let her get another word out. My mouth descends to hers, and after what feels like an eternity, I’m kissing her.

  The kiss starts out slow, gentle with my uncertainty, her body frigid with her unease. When her hands move to my shoulders, I know she’s not going to push me away. My tongue skirts out, craving to taste her. She opens, slightly awkward in her movements, so I take charge of the kiss and own her fucking mouth.

  “Open,” I order, my lips still pressed to hers. She obeys, opening and allowing my tongue the entrance it’s searching for. Her tongue carefully slides out, dancing gently against mine. It’s exactly how I expected her to kiss. Soft, gentle and unsure. Deepening the kiss, I hold her harder against me, her large soft breasts pressing against my chest. My cock strains in my jeans and I know she can feel it against her stomach. A low rumble erupts from my chest when her leg comes up wrapping around me. Molding to me. If I were with anyone else, outside standing in the dark and in an open parking lot, I’d have them against a car pounding into them, but I don’t, because this is Bell, sweet, innocent Bell. Running my hand up her leg, I wrap my fingers around her calf and release her from me. She sighs against my mouth, the sound going straight to my gut. Jesus, this needs to end now.

  Slowing the kiss, I gently pull back and lean my forehead against hers.

  “This can’t happen here, Bell.” I hate myself for saying it, and I might be a fucking idiot for stopping this, but I know in the heat of the moment, I could get her to submit and then after she would hate me.

  “Oh, God.” She pulls back her hand covering her mouth. She looks disheveled, her eyes shining with arousal, and my mind moves to how she would look after I’ve thoroughly fucked her. Jesus, what I wouldn’t do to see that look, under me.

  “Relax, it’s okay,” I try to reassure her but it doesn’t help.

  “I have to go.” She spins and fumbles with her keys. I want to step in and try to calm her, tell her what just happened is okay. But I can’t do it because I can’t trust myself around her. I want her more than I’ve ever wanted anyone before, and that alone is dangerous. I vowed a long time ago never to want anything or anyone. When you put yourself on the line and allow yourself to want something, you open yourself up to disappointments. My life is full of so much disappointment I couldn’t bear to have more thrown in my face. I need to stay away from Bell Johnson. She makes me want, but it just can’t happen.

  * * *

  ME: I had a good night

  I send the text off the next morning to Bell as I walk into Liquid. My vow to stay away from Bell lasted less than twelve hours. Last night was a first for me, for a lot of things. I went on a date, one that didn’t end in sex, plus I slept without a nightmare.

  I pocket my phone and continue about my day, getting the club restocked for one of the biggest nights of the week.

  “Hey, Jesse, have you got a replacement for Sarah tonight?” Tammy asks, coming out of the office. Tammy likes to keep me in check.

  “Not yet. Was hoping I could convince you to find me one.” I smile my cheeky smile at her, but I know it won’t work. Tammy is immune to my ways. I fucked her once, last year. And afterward felt like the biggest asshole in the world ‘cause she needed this job. She’s a single mother with a dead-beat ex. Nix, ripped me a new one after finding out and when things cooled down, I offered her a management position and since then, things have run a lot smoother.

  “How this place runs is beyond me sometimes.” She shakes her head and turns back to the office to call in someone.

  “Love you,” I call out, but she just gives me the finger. Yeah, she loves me. I laugh and go back to what I was doing. My phone beeps from my pocket and like a pansy-ass bitch, I reach for it hoping it’s Bell.

  BELL: Jesse Carter, are you abusing my number?

  Bell’s text lights up my screen and I can’t help but laugh.

  ME: Guilty, but can you blame me?

  I text back and wait patiently for a reply.

  BELL: I don’t know about blame, but I could block.

  Her reply has me laughing my ass off. Sexy and funny.

  ME: Block me and I’ll have to start coming up to the hospital
to talk to you.

  I reply and now I’ve put it out there, I’m thinking it’s a good idea. I wait a few minutes and when I get no reply, I start to wonder if she thinks it’s too much, too soon. Leaving it be, I go about the rest of my morning with the idea to visit when I head into the burn unit later on this afternoon. I think if I can wear her down, I might be able to get her to cave.

  I just have to be persistent.

  * * *

  “Hey there, Bell.” I push off the wall in front of the hospital elevators later that day.

  “W-what are you doing here, Jesse?” Bell looks up, shocked to see me.

  “Just finished up at the burn unit.” I nod to the wing where I spend one night a week holding a support group.

  “Oh, right.” She shakes her head and I know she thought I was here for her. What she doesn’t know is I finished up an hour ago. I hung back waiting to see her.

  “You finished for the night?” I ask, watching her gather herself. I like that she gets flustered around me. Probably too much.

  “Yeah, just did a double.” She fumbles in her bag searching for something.

  “Want to get something to eat?” I ask, watching her reaction and the little tells she gives.

  “Umm,” she stumbles, vying for time to shut me down. I can see the way her eyes skirt all over my face, yet she can’t look me in the eye. She’s about to run, but I didn’t wait around for her to blow me off.

  “I’m not taking no for an answer.” I take her arm in my hand and pull her to a stop.

  “Text messages and stalking me at work. Should I be worried, Jesse?” She looks up at me, and the overwhelming urge to kiss her has me coming undone.