Desertion

by River Savage

  “I’m here. Hold on,” I complain as I pull the door open.

  “Bell.”

  “Jesse? What?” I nearly fall down on my ass when I see Jesse standing there. “W-what are you doing here?” I stutter, stepping out onto the porch and closing the door behind me. He doesn’t respond, just stays quiet with a blank face. Void of any emotion. I haven’t seen him in weeks, and now seeing him again, makes my heart beat out of sync. Like I told Lissy, I know it all comes back to the night I called him out after Holly had Xzavier, but I don’t want to ask. I knew the night in the elevator that I was pushing him a little, but I didn’t think he would pull back from me. Yeah, the text messages continued between us, but the closeness hasn’t been the same.

  “Jesse?” I reach out for him. The touch jolts him, the connection bringing him back to himself.

  “Bell,” he says, before bending and placing his lips to mine. My stance falters, stepping back as his weight pushes me against the closed door.

  It all happens so fast, one minute he’s looking lost, the next his mouth is on mine. I don’t fight him, my lips following his movement as our tongues dance against each other. It’s different from the kiss we had weeks ago, the one I haven’t been able to stop thinking about, when I told him it would be a bad idea. This kiss is raw and audacious. Even if I wanted to stop, I don’t think I could. His weight pushes against me, pinning me further into the door, as his hand searches for my wrist, and brings it up over my head. Holding it suspended.

  On any given day, I would be freaking out a man just showed up unannounced and accosted me against my parents’ front door, but because it’s Jesse, I’m not freaking out. For some reason, I know this is what Jesse needs, hell, maybe even what I need. The urge to touch him grows as our tongues duel in an erotic battle of submission. Pulling my free hand from behind me, I reach up to grab his neck bringing him closer to me.

  “Don’t touch,” he says against my lips. His voice and the command shock me back into the moment. He doesn’t want me to touch him?

  “Stop,” I say when he reaches for my hand.

  “Bell, I need you,” he groans, but reality has set in and I know this isn’t right. I’m not going to give him anything if he won’t give me a piece of himself.

  “Jesse, step back,” I request, but he doesn’t move. “Jesse, I really need you to move back,” I try again with more force. He lets out a shaky breath before releasing my hand and stepping back.

  “Fuck,” he shouts, turning and kicking at the porch swing.

  Jesus, what is happening here?

  “Jesse, what’s going on?" My hands move to the tops of my arms, holding myself in anticipation of what he’s about to say.

  “I shouldn’t have come. I’m sorry.” He looks up, and for a second, it’s as if I’m staring into the eyes of my father. Eyes that know sorrow. Whatever he’s processing is not good and the scary thing is I don’t know if I can help him.

  “Do you want to talk?” I ask eventually, giving in to him and the affliction he’s fighting.

  “I don’t want to talk,” he says, rubbing his face.

  “Then why did you come here, Jesse? Why did you come to me?” I grow frustrated. We talk every day. We haven’t labeled anything, but what does he want from me?

  “I don’t know, Bell. I don’t fucking know anything anymore.” He sits in the same swing he just kicked and I have to hold myself back from going to him. If he needs to talk, I can do that, just not here. Not when my parents could come home soon.

  “Let me grab my jacket and shoes,” I say, giving him all the control again, an effect of having Jesse kiss me.

  “Okay.” He stands and takes a deep breath.

  “Will you wait for me?" I ask when he starts walking back to his bike.

  “Yeah,” he answers without turning back.

  “Because if you leave when I’m inside, I’ll be angry,” I warn, trying not to show my vulnerability.

  I wait until he agrees and I turn and open the front door. I lock up behind me and go in search of my shoes and a jacket.

  “Who’s that?” my sister asks when I get to my room.

  “Ummm,” I panic. Shit I forgot Ava is nosey. She was probably spying on me.

  “Don’t lie to me, Bell.” She folds her arms like mom would do and I almost laugh.

  “Jesse, he’s a friend,” I explain, hoping she didn’t see the kiss or she would think I’m lying.

  “Mom’s going to freak,” she says, ignoring the friend comment.

  “You can’t tell her.” I opt for pleading. Oh, God, she will blab. I can feel it.

  “You know this is ridiculous? You’re twenty-three. You don’t have to worry what Mom says. If you just stood up to her, she can’t do anything.” She walks into my room and falls back to my bed.

  “I know. It’s my fault. I let it happen this way. I am trying to fix it, make it better for everyone,” I tell her and she nods like she understands, even if she doesn’t.

  “Be safe.” A foreign smile spreads over her face and it’s so amazing to see it on her, I stop what I’m doing and move to her, pulling her up and into my arms.

  “Always,” I whisper into her hair, holding her tightly.

  “This means you owe me.” She pulls back and smirks. I don’t reply. I just watch the sneaky witch try to play me. “Friends, hey?” She pushes, and I know she’s too smart to fool.

  “I don’t know what’s worse, Mom finding out I’m out with an older man, or me owing you.” Her laugh echoes in our empty house and it feels good to finally hear it.

  “How old is he?” She pushes but I don’t have time to explain everything.

  “We’ll talk later. I have to go.” I hear the sound of the bike start up.

  “Holy shit, he has a bike?” She chokes on her scream. I ignore her freak out and pick up my jacket.

  “Not a word to Mom.” I point back at her, needing to know she has my back.

  “What do you want me to tell her if she asks?” she yells when I reach the bottom of the stairs.

  “Tell her I went to Lissy’s.” Knowing my Mom, she will believe it.

  “Have fun.” Ava waves and I return it before locking the door and rushing out to meet Jesse.

  “You sure about this, Bell?” Jesse asks before handing me his spare helmet.

  “Yeah. I’ve never been so sure,” I admit and then recoil when a cocky smirk graces his face. I wish I knew what it is about him, why he tries so hard to hide behind the bullshit smiles, but I don’t. All I know is his coming to me tonight has flipped something in me.

  “You been on a bike before, Bell?” He helps me fasten the strap on my helmet.

  “No, this will be my first time.”

  “Oh, you always remember your first time, Bell.” His lame line makes me laugh. I’m so used to them now. I think I fall for him a little more, especially if they are extra lame.

  “You’re so bad.”

  “I know. You want help?” he asks, but I shake my head.

  “It’s not rocket science, Jesse,” I say, lifting my leg and climbing on behind him.

  “Jesus, who are you and where have you been?” He shakes his own head, like he’s lost in the thought.

  I don’t reply but I do grin like a fool.

  “Are we going?” I tap his shoulder when he continues to sit staring back at me. The rumble of the bike vibrates through me as an answer and I slide forward a little to get my balance. He reaches back, pulls my hands around him and gives me a squeeze. I don’t protest. Instead, I lean closer as he revs the throttle a little more.

  “Hold on, baby.” He looks back, his eyes pure seduction, dripped in mischief. I hold on to them, wondering what it means. I was right when I said this man is a puzzle. One minute, it’s like I’m looking into the eyes of a man falling apart, fighting demons, and the next, he’s playing with me.

  If only I knew which one was the real Jesse Carter.

  * * *

  “Do you bring all the girls
out here?” I joke when Jesse shuts off his bike twenty-minutes later. I look around the empty parking lot of Mount Lookout, Rushford’s very own make-out point. I’ve heard the stories of this place, lots of stories.

  “No, Bell.” He lifts his helmet off his head and packs it away in a side compartment.

  I climb off the back before working on my helmet. “I was joking,” I say, not sure what he’s thinking. The ride up was quiet. While I’ve never been on a bike before, riding with Jesse eased me into it. I didn’t let the feeling of holding him affect me. If I did, I would be swept up in it.

  “Want to walk?” I ask, watching him take my helmet and becoming lost in his head again.

  “Yeah,” he agrees, reaching out his hand for mine. I don’t falter. Taking his hand in mine, I let him pull me toward the walking track. The dark night is illuminated with street lamps, but not enough to see if anyone is hiding in the bushes.

  “Jesse, is it safe here?” I ask when the chill in the air brings goose bumps to my arms.

  “I’ve got you, Bell.” He wraps his arm around me and the smell of his leather cut fills my nostrils. Who would have thought leather and man, could smell so good.

  “Any news on Paige?” I ask after a few minutes of silence.

  “Not yet, still working on a few angles.” I smile, not giving up hope that the Knights Rebels can help me.

  “So what’s going on?” I come out and ask. Better to let it all out. Plus, I need to know what made him come to me.

  “Just shit with my family,” he says, but doesn’t elaborate.

  “Anything I can help with?”

  “No, sweetheart.” He laughs, but it’s forced.

  “I know all about messed-up families,” I say, comfortable enough to talk to him about Paige. It’s no secret our family is screwed up after Paige, but it’s not something I freely talk about either. I’m not sure what it is that makes me feel at ease enough to talk to Jesse. It’s just something about him that makes me want to tell him everything.

  “I don’t know where to start.” He stops walking and releases me from his hold. The cool air hits me in the absence of him but I wrap my arms around me and try to fight off the chill.

  “Jesse, if you don’t want to talk about it, it’s okay,” I encourage when he stops talking. Part of me wants to push him, the other part understands and doesn’t.

  “My dad’s dying,” he blurts out in a rush and I gasp at the shock of it.

  “Oh, God, I’m so sorry.” I step toward him, but his hand comes up, stopping me.

  “Don’t be,” he spits out and I recoil. “He’s not a good man, Bell.” I let his words register before deciding to respond.

  “He’s still your dad, Jesse. I can understand why you’re upset.”

  “The man wasn’t a father, but more of a drill sergeant. I’m not upset he’s dying, but hearing the news has fucked with my head.” I nod, unsure how to approach his confession. I barely know anything about Jesse’s family. It’s one subject he doesn’t talk about much in our late night calls. I know he is somewhat close with Detective Carter, and that he has another brother Jay. His mother is a sweet woman, but other than that, nothing. I remember the tension back in the hospital with his father when Jesse came in with the cut and busted foot. I could tell there were issues, but I’ve never been brave enough to ask. “It’s just complicated and I wasn’t expecting this news tonight,” he adds.

  “I understand,” I tell him, because I do know what it’s like to have everything you know come down around you.

  “I don’t know how I ended up at your place. I just took a ride and next thing I knew, I was knocking on your door.” He runs his hand through his hair. If I couldn’t see how tense he was, I’d be able to feel it.

  “I don’t know what you’ve done to me, Bell. But you’re messing with my head,” he confesses. Hearing it makes me feel less like a lovesick fool for feeling the same way, but it also frightens me.

  “Jesse.”

  “Don’t say anything.” He stops me from telling him I feel the same way. “Just ignore I said that.” He smiles unsure, but how could I let it go when it’s what I’ve been feeling.

  “I feel the same,” I whisper, watching his face for his reaction. I know Jesse doesn’t want me to admit it, but there is no telling my mind that when he invades my thoughts every day. “If it makes you feel any better, I can’t stop thinking about you.” I give him more, hoping he feels less messed up about it.

  “That’s what I was afraid of.” He lets out a deep sigh. “I’m not what you need, Bell. I don’t do relationships.” I nod, knowing this already.

  “You fuck.” I remember what he told me in the beginning.

  “I do, sweetheart.” He nods, and even though it shouldn’t, disappointment fills me. I knew from the start what type of man Jesse was; yet somehow, I am still drawn to him. I can’t control it.

  “I think you should take me home,” I force myself to say, before I find myself giving in to something I don’t think I’m ready for. The stupid part of me thought, with the late night calls, getting to know each other that maybe he might have changed his view, but I can see I was wrong.

  “Okay, Bell,” he agrees, taking my hand and walking back down the path. The trek back to the bike is silent as I lose myself in the knowledge this will have to be the last time we talk. No more text messages through the night, no more showing up for lunch at work. We need to cut all ties. I know it’s for the best. I just need my heart to understand.

  “I’m sorry, Bell.” Jesse finally breaks the silence as he hands me my helmet.

  “You’re a good man, Jesse.” If only he could see his self-worth. See what I see. I don’t know why he is denying himself. No man talks to a woman for over a month every night and tells them they are only good for one night.

  “A good man wouldn’t be thinking about fucking you right here, against my bike, Bell. Wondering how good you would taste under my tongue. Or how tight your pussy would feel gripping my cock.” The words vibrate over a growl and my stomach clenches at his words. He steps closer, but I don’t have enough time to retreat before he continues, “A good man wouldn’t want to bend you over right here out in public and want to make you scream. I’m not a good man, Bell. I’m a bad man, and you need to stay away from me.” My hand finds the seat of his bike, steadying myself under the impact of his words. No one has ever spoken to me like this before, and I don’t know how to respond.

  “Even just you looking at me now, you have no idea what you’re doing to me. The need to consume you is so strong, but I know I can’t do it. It’s like I’m waging a war inside me. My head knows it’s a bad idea, but no matter how hard I try to stay away, my body craves you.” His words do things to me I never knew possible. This all-consuming need to give myself to him is so strong, paired with the fact this could be my last chance to have him, I don’t know if I can let him walk way.

  “Take me then.” I hear myself say. Unsure if I’m ready for a one-time deal. But what choice do I have when he makes me want these things.

  “Jesus, Bell, don’t say that. Don’t talk like that.” His brow deepens in frustration.

  “Why? It’s what you want,” I argue, leaving out the part I want more. This is all I can have.

  “You’re not one of those whores I pick up,” he snaps, but why I don’t understand. This is what he told me I could have. What he can give. Maybe I should just give in to it.

  “I know I’m not, Jesse. But why can’t I have what they get? Why are you punishing me when it’s what you want?”

  “Because you deserve more,” he says, and it starts to make sense.

  “I do, but I get to choose what I deserve, Jesse. I get to choose who I let in. Why would you deny me?”

  “No, Bell.” He shakes his head, and it pisses me off.

  “What’s wrong with me? My boobs not big enough? I don’t wear your preferred shade of blonde in my hair?” I remember the woman he put on the back of his bike the nig
ht we were at Liquid.

  “Fuck no!”

  “Then what?” Those two words feel dirty because I know that they mean I’m experiencing myself slip for the first time into someone desperate.

  “Because, Bell, I’m not what you need.”

  “Bullshit,” I scoff, annoyed when I feel like I’m practically begging. Rejection stings, especially coming from a man like Jesse.

  “Just drop it. Get on the bike.”

  “Fine, screw you,” I curse and feel dirty for it. Tears threaten to spill, but I refuse to give in to them.

  “Bell,” he sighs but I don’t want his pity. I’ve lived in pity for the last six years. I don’t need anymore.

  “It’s fine, Jesse. I get it.” I turn my back, not letting him see how much I really want this. Want him.

  “I don’t think you do,” he whispers and I turn back at the softness in his answer.

  “You’re right. I don’t. I’m practically throwing myself at you, after you’ve worked your way into my life, and now I’m giving you permission to take me, but you don’t want me. I caved too quickly, is that it?”

  “Jesus, you’re clueless.” He shakes his head.

  “I’m clueless? You want to fuck me right here.” I smack the bike seat. “I’m telling you to take me, but you won’t, and I’m clueless?”

  “Yes, because if I take you right here, Bell, I don’t know if I will be able to walk away.” My heart skips a beat.

  “And this worries you why?” I know he wants more, but is only denying himself, and me.

  “I have to walk away, Bell. It’s the only way I can do it.”

  “Why, Jesse? Why is it so important?”

  “Because I don’t deserve more.” He drops his head, and the man I’ve grown to know and care about is so lost, no one can see it. He’s perfected this happy-go-lucky attitude, but standing here now, I can see how it’s all a lie. He’s absent, and dare I say broken, I wonder if he knows he’s slipping. “I don’t deserve what a promise like you offers. Even if after one time, if I could walk way, once would be too much.”