Desertion

by River Savage

  “Jesse,” I sigh, not even sure where to begin. What the hell happened to this man?

  “You think I don’t want you? It’s not true, I think I want you too much, and that would never end well. I’m doing this for you. I’m saving you, Bell.” I take everything he’s saying. He wants me too much?

  “Okay, Jesse.” I try for a cool smile, but I know he can see the difference.

  “You understand then?” he asks.

  “Yeah, I do understand. I never knew what a coward looked like until this very moment.” The insult rolls off my tongue and if I had the ability to shove it back down my throat, I would.

  “Coward?” His tone changes and his eyes darken against the night.

  “Yeah, I get it. You live in disappointment so much you’ve forgotten to let go. You’re scared. I’ve been the same, but the difference between you and me, I can see why I push people away, but I don’t want to be stuck anymore. You come into my life. You make me want things differently and then you start to freak out, you pull away. I get it.”

  I watch his jaw tick at my words, and I know I’m pushing for a reaction. I’ve seen Jesse in many ways, but pissed off is not one. I know I’m being hard on him, giving it to him straight, but the ugliness of rejection is spurring me on.

  “You don’t know me.” He steps forward into my space. The tick in his jaw starts to beat in time with my pulse.

  “I know more than you think,” I counter.

  “You want me to fuck you on the side of the road like a whore?” He hooks his finger in my belt loop and pulls me to him. A breath I had been holding escapes my lips before he continues. “For me to peel these jeans down your legs, bend you over and pound into you, like an easy fuck?” he seethes while his finger slides along the top of my jeans, flicking the button open. I want to pull away, slap him for degrading what I want, but it’s like my throat has closed up. “Want me to spank your ass while your pussy milks my cock, Bell? Is this what you want? For me to fuck you like the last whore I had on the back of my bike?” His hand slides into my panties over my bare lips and finds my wetness.

  “Fuck, Bell,” he moans, feeling how wet I am. “You dirty little bitch. You’re fucking soaking.” He groans and the sound of it goes straight to my core.

  “Jesse,” I moan as my head rolls to the side, the intimacy of his rough finger gliding through me is more than I imagined.

  “Don’t speak my name like that, Bell,” he warns as the tip of his finger finds my entrance. I know this is wrong, and not how I ever pictured my first time, but it doesn’t matter. I need this to happen. I want to let this happen with him.

  “Please,” I beg when he holds off from sinking further in. That one word is all it takes for him to slide his finger in. “Jesse,” I half cry as he stretches me.

  “Jesus, you’re fucking tighter than I imagined.” He moves his fingers and my concern is replaced with desire.

  “Jesse, I—” I start to tell him, but I’m too lost in the sensation of what having a man finger fuck me feels like.

  “That’s it, baby, fuck my fingers.” He slides in a second finger. It’s not like anything I’ve ever felt before. The heat building from within, the electricity coursing under my skin. A wave of emotion, a warm build up from inside out, threatens to flood through me and there’s no stopping it.

  “Jesse, there’s something—” I pant unable to get it all out. “Oh, God!” I throw my head back in ecstasy as my fingers dig into his leather cut. “Yes,” I cry out, as heat blankets me, taking me on one hell of a ride. My head spins and my face feels numb, but I can’t think about all those things because Jesse keeps pumping into me, sending me into a frantic state.

  “Holy fuck, sweetheart,” Jesse groans, slowing his fingers while I come back to myself.

  “Oh, God, I’m so sorry,” I race out, not sure what just happened. I mean I’ve touched myself before, and brought myself to orgasm, but this? This was on another level.

  “Turn around and lean over the bike, now,” he commands, and even though a small part of me doesn’t want it to happen like this, I can’t stop myself from doing as I’m told. I spin and face the bike feeling Jesse slide my jeans and panties down my legs.

  “Step out of them,” he says, and again I obey by kicking off my flats and stepping out of my pants. I should tell him I have no idea what I’m doing, it’s only fair to him, but a part of me knows if I do, he will stop this.

  “Lean over, sweetheart.” His palm moves to my lower back guiding me forward. I hear the rustle of jeans and the tear of what I assume is the condom packet, but none of this brings me out of my trance. Nothing makes me want to put a stop to it. “This what you want, Bell?” He kicks my feet out wider, making my stance more exposed. “Want me to fill your pussy?” He continues with his filthy words while gliding the tip of his cock along my pussy. It’s like I’m suspended in a world of pleasure, knowing in a minute it’s all going to come down around me in pain. Everything around me stops. Waiting for that moment.

  “Tell me to stop, Bell,” Jesse pleads behind me, but I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to tell him.

  “Please, Jesse,” I beg instead.

  Then he’s in me.

  I cry out in discomfort as the intrusion stretches me wider than before. Searing pain anchors me frozen. Head spinning, body buzzing, and heart racing, my senses come alive. Oh, God, this is happening.

  “What the fuck, Bell?” Jesse’s planted inside me.

  “Don’t stop,” the words spew out in protest. I just need to adjust to his size I tell myself.

  “Jesus, fuck, you’re a virgin?” He sounds pissed off, more pissed off than I imagined, so I don’t acknowledge that he’s correct.

  Instead, I beg him to keep going, “Please don’t stop, Jesse.”

  “Answer me, dammit.” He doesn’t pull out, but he doesn’t keep moving.

  “Well, kind of.”

  “What do you mean ‘kind of’? You either are, or you aren’t.”

  “I tried it once, well half-tried,” I correct. I start to move, but his palm pushes me further down onto the bike.

  “Don’t fucking move,” he grinds out and the sound has me clenching. “And don’t fucking do that.” His hold on my hip tightens stopping me from moving.

  “Sorry,” I whisper, starting to feel more comfortable with him inside of me.

  “Go back to the half. You can’t half have sex,” he accuses, but he would be wrong.

  “Well, I have.” I’m defensive. What would he know?

  “Yeah? And how did you manage that?” His tone rubs me wrong but I’m pinned to a bike and currently attached to his cock, so I can’t move.

  “I was almost seventeen. My boyfriend at the time wanted it. But I couldn’t handle it, okay? I barely let him all the way in before I freaked out,” I say, my embarrassment growing.

  “Jesus, fuck, you’re a virgin.”

  “Fine, okay, yes. Technically, I’m a virgin. Is it a problem?” I feel him grow even harder.

  “Why didn’t you try again?” he asks and I don’t want to answer, but I know he won’t accept my silence.

  “He dumped me because I wasn’t ready. Then a few weeks later, Paige went missing and I’ve never been in a situation where I’ve been ready.”

  “Fucking Hell, Bell,” he curses, still not moving from me.

  “Just fuck me, Jesse,” I tell him, more ready than I’ll ever be. I’ve come this far. I’m not that girl any more. I can handle this.

  “I’m going to Hell for this,” he moans, before slowly moving. My discomfort is long gone, making me believe it’s going to be fine, but as he enters me harder with each thrust, I feel the burn start to build. “Fuck, this is wrong,” he says again, but for me, everything is telling me it’s right. His breathing starts to labor as his strokes become faster. More controlled.

  “Jesus, Bell, I don’t think I’ve ever felt something so good,” he whispers in my ear, need and want rolls though me. His ha
nd moves around to my front and finds my clit. His pace quickens and the heat I felt when he fingered me, comes back, only this time, I’m prepared.

  “Fuck, I’m not gonna last, baby.” His voice cracks on the endearment making my stomach flutter. I don’t have a chance to think on his words before his movements become uncontrolled. Holding on, I focus on his finger and the circles he’s drawing against me.

  “Fuck,” he says on a groan behind me, pumping into me harder, with longer strokes. Over and over. I want to say it’s amazing, but I would be lying. It’s hard to explain. The pleasure is there, dancing in front of me, teasing me, but the sting doesn’t quite let it take the lead.

  Jesse’s groans grow louder, against the still air. One hand at my side, his fingers bite into the side of my skin, holding me steady as he thrusts, once, twice and a third time before coming to a complete stop. I keep still, my body aching in a strange mixture of excitement and fatigue while my pussy throbs with Jesse still inside of me. His fingers keep their rhythm, and now that he’s no longer moving inside of me, I can zone in on his touch, and let it take me over. “Come on, baby. I need you to come.” His hot breath almost pushes me over, but for some reason, I can’t get there. “Now, Bell,” he demands and it’s what I need to take me over. Heat blasts through me, pushing me into a state of bliss I never knew existed.

  “Yes, yes,” I pant as my toes curl in an attempt to hold onto the intensity. This time the frenzy is over quicker, but it hits me with more force.

  “That’s it, baby,” he encourages, still teasing me with his fingers. My orgasm slows, my world coming back to me.

  “Oh, God,” I say when I get all five senses back.

  “Jesus, Bell.” He groans as he slides out of me. I keep still, bent over at the waist, unsure how to proceed.

  “Let me take care of the condom,” he says, giving me a chance to move, find my pants and step back into them. The light of the parking lot’s lamps shine bright, and now, under the white light I feel exposed. Shit, that really just happened. I feel the slight ache between my legs, but I push it out of my head when my eyes find Jesse stalking back to me.

  “What the fuck, Bell?” His face tells the story of what I’m about to get.

  “What?” I brace myself for his anger, willing myself not to cower.

  “What? That’s all you have to say ‘what?’”

  “It’s not a big deal, Jesse.” I try to brush it off, but by the look on his face, I can tell he’s not going to let it happen.

  “Get on the damn bike,” he says, his features shutting down. Elation leaves my body and in its place dread forms. What did I just do?

  “Jesse, just wait.” I reach for him but he shrugs me off.

  “No, Bell, just get on the bike.” He climbs on, dismissing me. I don’t know what I was expecting when he found out I was a virgin, but it wasn’t this. I don’t make any more attempts to try to talk to him. Instead, I do as I’m told and get on the back of his bike. When he makes no attempt to wrap my arms around him, I know there’s no fixing anything tonight. If there was ever a time to wish for a do-over, it would be now.

  Thirteen

  JESSE

  Virgin.

  A fucking virgin.

  I try to focus on the road in front of me, but my head is lost in one single word and the meaning of it, and my cock’s lost in the knowledge I took it.

  Fuck me. I just took her virginity.

  How could I be so stupid?

  When I said I was going to Hell, I should have said it was with a no return ticket. I'm an asshole for taking it, the way I took it, and the way I reacted.

  Fucking hell.

  I could have stopped as soon as I realized, as soon as she screamed out. Any decent man would have, but her tight heat encasing my cock when I was balls deep…there was no way I was willing to give it up. I should have realized when she came apart over my fingers, or before, when she freaked out that she wasn’t like other women I have been with. But I didn’t. I knew she wasn’t experienced, but I had no fucking clue she was a virgin. I was too busy thinking with my cock.

  Fuck me.

  “Can you drop me off around the corner?” she asks close to my ear.

  “Why the hell would I do that?” I slow my bike so I can hear her answer.

  “My parents will be home,” she explains and my guilt grows.

  Jesus fuck.

  I don’t respond. Just continue our journey in silence. A few minutes later, I pull up one street away from Bell’s house and wait for her to get off.

  “Thanks for the ride,” she says, handing me back my spare helmet.

  “Yep,” I reply, fully aware I’m still acting like an asshole. I just don’t know how else to act or how I feel.

  “I…umm, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” She looks down at her feet. I know she needs something from me to show her that what just happened wasn’t a mistake, but I’m struggling to find a way to give it to her.

  “Go,” I answer, needing to be away from her.

  “Yeah sure.” She doesn’t look up but turns to make her way down the street.

  “Bell.” I can’t stop myself from calling out. She turns back and gives me her eyes. The innocence and light I’m used to seeing in them is gone. Disappointment and regret stare back at me. “We are going to talk about this, about what happened tonight. Just not now. I’m not in the right headspace,” I admit, hoping she understands.

  “Okay, Jesse.” She nods.

  “And we are going to talk about me dropping you off here, too,” I add, pissed this is what she needs to do.

  “Okay,” she repeats, looking up under her lashes.

  “Now go,” I dismiss her and watch her walk down the dark street. I sit and watch until she turns down her driveway, only then do I start my bike up and ride past her place. She turns as I pass, giving me one of her cute, awkward grins before closing the door. It’s then I realize, I’m fucked.

  I’m falling for her.

  Fuck me dead. How did this happen?

  * * *

  “Club meet in five.” Nix walks in pissed as usual. Ever since he and Kadence started having problems, the asshole has been fucking moody. I know Kadence is in a good place. I just spoke to her last week after I dropped Bell off at home. I didn’t go back to the clubhouse. I was too messed up knowing I took Bell’s virginity, so I dropped by Nix’s place. If I’m being honest, I only wanted to see Low; the cute kid has twisted her way into my heart, kind of like how Bell has. Not that I would admit it to anyone.

  Kadence was home alone with the kids, Nix at the clubhouse, and we got to talk a little. She was in a bad place for a while, but the strong woman I met five years ago, after recovering from her burns, was on her way back.

  She knew something was up with me, but didn’t push. She knows me too well. I decided later that night, I would give it a few days before contacting Bell. Yeah, it’s probably a shit move, and one I might regret, but she fucking lied to me, allowed me to degrade her on the back of my bike, and now I’ve got to live with that shit.

  Finishing my breakfast, I wash my dish and walk into church. We normally only meet once a week, keeping up on all the shit everyone gets themselves into. So I wasn’t expecting one today.

  “Beau isn’t here yet,” Brooks says, taking a seat across from me.

  “Where the fuck is he then?” Nix asks the table, his mood growing more volatile with each minute he has to wait.

  “He had a pick up, but Tiny says he’s yet to show,” Brooks explains.

  Beau, like all the boys, is required to show up on time, but for some reason, we can’t get a hold of him.

  “Well, someone better fuckin’ find him.” He sighs, but I can see he is worried. I’m not worried. Beau is a smart man, secretive, but smart. Besides, it’s not like Beau fucks up regularly.

  “I’m worried about him,” Sy speaks up. “He’s getting attached.”

  “He’s fuckin’ Beau. He doesn’t get attached,” Nix counters
.

  “You didn’t see him with Mackenzie. I’ve never seen him like that before.” Sy says, and I think back to all the pickups I’ve been on with Beau. He does get attached but never like Mackenzie. Mackenzie was a woman Beau and Sy saved last year. After one too many hits from her fucked-up asshole husband, she reached out for help and tried to get away. Only being the daughter-in-law to a dirty mayor made it hard for her to do that. That’s where we came in. The Rebels and Tiny set up a meet. We were to come in, and get her out without being seen. Only things got fucked up, and when the boys were finally able to get her out, it was after her asshole husband did a fucking number on her. The boys were seen and it brought heat to the club. Her husband knew it was us and started a campaign to bring the Rebels down, going as far as threatening Holly at glass point. He was arrested after Sy was done with him, but the dirty fucker got off on probation. We’ve had our eyes on him, making sure he doesn’t get any ideas, and so far, he hasn’t pulled any shit.

  “You think this new gig is getting to him?” Nix asks. The club has taken on a big role in helping Tiny get women out of abusive homes, Beau being the main guy who handles it.

  “He’s holding onto something which might be too close to home. I think the business with his sister fucked him up. He’s reliving it over and over, and he’s gonna fucking snap. I can see it,” Brooks says, giving his opinion.

  “He’s late for one meeting. He probably has a perfectly good reason. Let’s not fuckin’ lose our heads.” Nix shakes his head. I agree. Beau might be attached to this, but he would never jeopardize the club. He just wouldn’t do it.

  “Hunter, head out to the meet point. Keep Tiny updated.” The rookie stands and nods, leaving without a word.

  “Let’s start. Got fucking shit to do today. So how’s Liquid? You get the staff all sorted?” He turns to me. I know he is going to kill me with my staffing issues. It’s the only fucking drama I have with the joint.

  “Got a new girl.” I nod.

  “You gonna fuck this one?” Sy asks, trying to get a reaction.