Desertion

by River Savage

  “How did I get here?” I ask, but no one answers me. My head is pounding as I try to open my eyes. Not equipped to deal with this level of pain so early, I keep my eyes shut and continue to listen to my family talk around me.

  “He needs to be gone from here for a week or two. I can’t stand lookin’ at his face any longer. And with the shit with the Warriors still on unsteady ground, I can’t trust he has the club’s best interests right now.” Nix continues talking like I’m not here.

  “Want me to take him up to the safe house. Give him some space to think, come to terms with everything that’s going on?” Beau offers. Great, a fucking club meet happening. And it’s about me. Fuckers.

  “Yeah, the sooner the better.”

  “You do know I’m awake. I can hear you all discussing me.” I keep my eyes closed and wait for a reply.

  “You better fucking hear us, Jesse. You went too fuckin’ far last night.”

  “Spare me the lecture, Nix.” I sit up and take a look at my family. No one holds eye contact, disappointment and concern holding them back.

  “No, you’re gonna hear it. You’re a member of this club, and last time I checked, we respect our women.” Brooks puts his opinion in the mix only pissing me off more.

  “Well, luckily, she wasn’t my woman.” I rub at my face. My temple throbs at the side, but I don’t acknowledge it. I know I deserved it.

  “I think she is the lucky one, brother.” Nix stands. “You don’t deserve her. It’s sad she had to go through all that to realize it. Get up to the safe house, sort your shit out, and come back the man I know you are.” I don’t say anything, just take in his words and let them settle over me.

  I don’t give a fuck what he thinks, but he’s right. I don’t deserve her.

  Never have.

  Never will.

  Thirty-Four

  BELL

  “God, grant me the serenity to accept the memories I cannot change, the courage to heal the wounds I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.”

  “Amen,” the room echoes Conner’s ending prayer.

  “Thanks for coming today. I hope you guys got something out of it. If anyone wants to hang back for a chat, I’m here.” Conner turns his attention to me as I stand and wait for everyone to move out.

  It’s Saturday morning and I just sat in on one of Conner’s support groups.

  “What did you think?” Conner asks after everyone moves out.

  “It was full on. I’m in awe of you all. What you went through.” I shake my head, trying to find the right words. Since Jesse introduced me to Conner, I’ve wanted to know more about him. Jesse had been keeping me updated with his recovery from his last surgery and how he was coping with the new prosthetic. But it wasn’t until the funeral last week that we saw each other again and he invited me to sit in on one of his groups.

  “What you’re doing is amazing for these men, Conner.”

  “Thanks, it helps me more than it helps them.” He shrugs, not taking the praise. Yeah, not so different from Jesse.

  “I didn’t think you’d show.” He moves around the room, starting to pick up empty cups left lying around.

  “I told you I was interested.” I move forward and help to gather the chairs. “You were right, sitting here hearing these men’s stories of what they went through gives me an insight in to what Jesse is dealing with.” He nods but doesn’t say anything.

  “So, has, Jesse ever come to these type of things?” I carefully ask, keeping my voice low.

  “He used to. But he stopped last year.”

  “Does it not help, talking about what you went through?” I push, wondering why Jesse stopped.

  “For some it does. For others talking about it can make it worse.”

  “And Jesse? Why doesn’t talking help him?”

  “Jesse’s issues are complex, Bell. You have to understand, nothing is going to change what we experienced over there. It’s about learning to live with it, and not let it bring us down. Jesse has a hard time with that.” I nod, even if I don’t understand it. It’s not that I don’t want to know what he’s dealing with, I do more than anything, I just wish Jesse helped me to see it his way.

  “Have you spoken to him?”

  Conner shakes his head. “He’s still up at that damn house they dropped him off at. I went and visited him yesterday. He was so out of it I don’t even know if he realized I was there.”

  “You think it’s wise leaving him on his own?” I question, still unsure it’s the best place for him.

  “It’s probably the safest place for him right now. I don’t think he’s going to do anything stupid. He’ll come around. He just needs some time.”

  “I hope you’re right.” I bite at my bottom lip, concerned Jesse isn’t going to come around. Last week was rock bottom and I’m second-guessing the decision to cut him out.

  “Trust me, Bell. He just needs some time to get his head in a better place.” He tries to assure me.

  I nod and take a breath. “I just wish I could help him, Conner,” I say, taking a seat. It’s the first time Conner and I have discussed Jesse since the funeral. Conner was there, saw the fall out and Jesse being an ass. To say I was embarrassed would be an understatement. All of Jesse’s family and friends heard his comment. I tried to get out of there, tried to hide my humiliation, but neither Jay nor Jackson would let me leave—not until Nix and the boys dragged Jesse out of there. Only then did Jay drive me home.

  It wasn't the most comfortable drive home. It was hard enough meeting Jay for the first time under those sad circumstances. As we drove home in awkward conversation, I came to realize he wasn’t that much different than Jesse. Only he’d come to peace with whatever demons his father cast on him.

  “You were helping him. His father’s death has just pushed him too far.” Conner brings me out of my head telling me what I already know. I thought Jesse was moving forward, and letting me in, but the news of his father’s death only served to pull him back.

  “I don’t know how he’s going to come back, Conner. Every one of Jesse’s issues stems from that man.”

  “He will, Bell. He has a lot of family. We’re not going to let this take him.” Moving forward, he reaches for my hand.

  “Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed so hard, expecting him to love me back.” I start to question everything, wondering where I could have helped more.

  “Bell, this isn’t your fault. Admitting you love him didn’t make this happen. Jesse has been a ticking time bomb his whole life. I’m surprised he didn’t go off before now. I think you coming into his life kept him at bay for a while, but it was only a matter of time before the countdown to him exploding would engage again.” I nod, because now I’ve had time to process everything that has happened since last weekend, I can see what Conner is saying. Jesse had always managed to push everything down; it was only a matter of time before it all came down around him.

  “Been telling him for years to sort his shit out, but only he can make it happen, Bell. Maybe now he’s lost his father, he realizes living the way he has been living isn’t healthy.”

  “I hope you’re right, Conner.” I smile, even if there is nothing worth smiling for right now. “I just wish it didn’t end the way it did. That hurts the most.” I wipe at my face, still hurting over his words and how he pushed me out.

  “It will work out, you’ll see.” He takes my hand and gives it a squeeze. “And if it doesn’t, who needs that jackass when you have me?” He winks and flashes me a grin.

  “Oh, God.” I laugh, knowing he’s just messing with me.

  “There she is. Come on, you’re buying me dinner.” He nudges me and orders me out. I follow along willingly. The last thing I need is to be alone, and if I can’t have Jesse’s humor, I needed the next best thing—his best friend’s.

  Thirty-Five

  JESSE

  “Wake up, motherfucker. Vacation is over.” I hear the words break though my dream.

  “Huh
?” I groan when Nix’s voice brings me out of my sleep. Great, I’m still fucking here.

  “Vacation is over, fucker. I’m taking you back to the clubhouse. Get your ass in the goddamn shower, you stink like a homeless fuck.” Nix kicks at my feet, knocking them off the table in front of me.

  “Fuck off.” I yawn, looking up at my pissed off Prez.

  “No, you fuck off. We’ve given you two weeks to sort your shit out. Liquid is falling apart without you and I’m done waiting for you to get your head right.” I hear what he says, but it doesn’t register. I don’t want it to. It’s nicer to live in a world of ignorance and not caring.

  “Nix.” A familiar voice interrupts Nix’s shouting and I look up for the first time, noticing Kadence is here as well. “Can I have a minute with Jesse?”

  “Kadence,” Nix begins, but I don’t hear what he says. I block the asshole out, and move my attention to his woman who I’ve come to love as a sister.

  “Fine, five minutes, then I’m coming back.” Nix kicks at my leg again, bringing me out of my head.

  “Yes, Nix. Five minutes,” she placates him while he pulls her into his chest and plants a kiss on her lips before stepping back.

  “Don’t be a cockhead to my woman, Jesse.” He flicks my ear and my slow reflexes only react when he’s halfway across the room.

  Fucker.

  “Jesse? How you holding up?” Kadence comes closer, moves some things around on the coffee table and sits in front of me.

  “Fine, don’t know what the big deal is. Just needed a fucking vacation, okay?” I reach past her for my beer and take a sip. Jesus, how long has this been sitting there?

  “I agree. It’s been a rough few weeks.” She nods, looking around the club’s safe house. I follow her gaze and realize for the first time what a mess it is.

  “What day is it?” I ask, giving up on the beer. I need to get my shit together.

  “Friday.” She looks back at me and arranges her face.

  “Shit.” I rub my hands down my face. “I’ve been here all week?” I ask, trying to figure out where all my days have gone.

  “No, two.”

  I look up. “Two weeks? Jesus.”

  “Sy and Beau have been up every few days. Conner’s been in to check on you too. You don’t remember seeing them?” she asks. I shake my head. Fuck me, I really have fucking checked out.

  “Jesse, this has to end. You need to get some help.” I massage my forehead, soothing away the ache that’s taken up residence inside my skull.

  “I’m fine, Kadence. I fucking deal with everything on my own,” I argue, knowing I’m full of shit.

  “And how is that working out for you?” She raises her brows, calling me out on my shit.

  “I’m getting there,” I lie, because it’s easier than admitting the truth.

  “Then why are you hiding? Why won’t you let anyone in?”

  “Last time I checked, your husband sent me to exile. And I do let people in,” I scoff. Is she kidding? I might not let people see the shit I hide, but I let people in.

  “I mean really let them in, Jesse. Let Bell in.”

  “I don’t want to talk about Bell.” I move to stand, but my body is so fucking out of it, standing has become too hard.

  “Be real with me for once, Jesse Carter. I am your friend. You helped me out when I was in a dark place before. Let me do the same for you.” I look at her, and can see I’m hurting her. It’s what I do. It’s what I’m good at, right? Hurting people.

  I hold her stare for a moment, willing myself to comfort her somehow, but it becomes apparent I can’t even bring myself to do it. “You don’t think I want to?” I sit forward, resting my elbows to my knees, holding my face in my palms. “Jesus, I really wish it were that easy. This darkness is something I carry with me, Kadence,” I finally admit, allowing myself a moment of pity.

  “And you always will,” she cuts in. “But there has to be a way for you to live without hurting everyone around you.”

  “You don’t understand.” I attempt to stand again, needing the space. The sudden movement has my head spinning, or the room shifting, so instead of fighting it, I sit my ass back down.

  “I understand a little, Jesse. You saw me at my worst. When I didn’t want to go on. Sure, maybe it was different, but I still understand the hopelessness of it.” Her voice is sweet, calming and I let her words wrap around me for a minute before looking at her.

  “You spend your whole life in this darkness, Jesse, you’ll never know how much light there is around you.” Something in the sound of her voice pulls me into her comfort, showing me what I need. What I’m missing.

  “You think I want to live with this kind of bitterness, with this pain?” My own words shock me so I allow myself a moment to understand what they mean.

  “If you didn’t, why haven’t you tried to conquer it? No one is making you hold on to it, Jesse. You haven’t even tried to fight.”

  “I spent my whole life fighting. I don’t know if I have any fight left.” My worst fear falls from my mouth, getting lost in my anger.

  “So that’s it then. You lose?” Her tone shifts from understanding to disbelief. Her eyes blaze with determination.

  “Yeah, I did lose, Kadence. I let it control me. It stopped me from fixing my relationship with my father. He fucking died before I pulled my head out of my ass. I push everyone away. I’m fucked up, more than you could even imagine.”

  “Look at me, Jesse Carter. Yes, you have your issues. I’m not going to argue that you have some work to do, but you can’t continue to hold onto this blame. It’s only going to bring you down. Your father is gone and I’m sorry you didn’t get the peace you needed, but tearing apart your life is only going to let him win. You are not him. You are everything he could never be.” She doesn’t hold back and I realize it’s what I need. She’s right, and the more destruction I create, the more I hide from everything, the more I hurt the people I love.

  Fuck how could I be so clueless.

  “I don’t want to be him,” I agree, needing someone to understand that.

  “You’re not, never were and never will be, Jesse. You remember that and get your shit together.” She takes my hand and squeezes. The contact soothes me. Blankets my insecurity and begins to pull me out of my doubt.

  “I don’t even know where to start.” I laugh a bitter laugh, not knowing how far down this rabbit hole I am.

  “Well, this is why I’m here to help you. You’re going to start going back to your support groups. Start talking again. Conner’s organized an appointment for you to see someone at the VA hospital, to give you the help we can’t.” I shake my head, not sure if I can talk with anyone yet.

  “Don’t argue with me, Jesse. We’re going to take baby steps. The club is awaiting your arrival home. Hell, I might even surprise you with my cooking.”

  “Jesus, you’re on a mission.”

  “I am if it’s going to help you, Jesse.” She stands from the coffee table and extends her hand. I think about it for a minute. I know she’s right. I need help to get me through this shit, but it doesn’t make me feel good knowing I’m gonna have to relive this shit when I bring it all up. “Come on, that’s all you need to know for now. One thing at a time and right now, you need a shower.” I look at her hand then at the house. “Come on, it’s not that bad. I’ll start cleaning. You don’t want to piss my husband off any more, do you?” She smiles down at me with an acceptance I hardly deserve.

  “On a scale of one to ten, how pissed is he?” I take her hand and let her help me up.

  “Jesse, I can’t even count that high. But it’s okay, because we love you. And you’re going to fix this.” She says so matter-of-factly, I want to believe her.

  “And Bell?” I ask, wondering how I could possibly fix anything with her.

  “Right now, I don’t know what your chances are. You messed up the most with her.” The frankness of her words is like a slap in the face.

  “I fu
cking love her, Kadence, and still managed to hurt her the most.” I shake my head, wishing I could take it all back.

  “Jesse, we always hurt the ones we love, but what hurts more, is being loved by those who we hurt. She still loves you. It’s up to you to decide what you’re going to do with that love.” She steps forward and wraps her arms around my waist. “But to make it simple for you, you should just let her love you,” she whispers, laying it out.

  “You’re cute when you’re smart.” An undertone of teasing slips past my lips, my attempt to lighten the mood.

  “Don’t lay it on me, Jesse Carter.” She laughs, steps back and smacks at my chest.

  “Don’t fuckin’ flirt with my woman, fucker. Why are you still not in the shower?” Nix walks back in, breaking our moment.

  “Yeah, yeah, asshole. I’m going.” I wave him off, kiss Kadence on the cheek, and then head toward the bathroom.

  Before I leave I stop and turn back. “Thank you.” I wait for them to look up. “I know I fucked up, but thanks for not walking out on me.”

  “We’re family, Jesse. As much as you’re a pain in my ass, we stick together. Don’t forget it. Now for the love of God, get in the fucking shower.” Nix throws a shirt at my head. Catching it, I turn, knowing he’s right. We’re family. Not by blood but by love. And sometimes those families are stronger.

  * * *

  “Look what the cat dragged in.” Conner’s grin spreads wide as I walk into the rehabilitation center a week later.

  “Not you too.” I roll my eyes at his choice of words, but don’t say anything else. I’ve been hearing it since I’ve been back. Small jabs from my brothers. Pissed off glances from Jackson. And unspoken words shared between everyone around me. To say it’s been a long week would be an understatement.

  “How you been, brother?” He turns, steps forward and extends his good arm out to me.

  “Better than before.” I reach forward and take his hand in mine. I knew out of everyone Conner would be the most welcoming.