Desertion

by River Savage

  “How’s it going with you? New leg settling in okay?” I look down at his new prosthetic, and berate myself for not checking in enough.

  “Yeah, much better fit. Hopefully, this was the last round of surgery.” He shrugs, still not letting it get him down. “How about you, how you coping?”

  “Getting there, just one day at a time, you know?” Ever since I got back last week, I’ve been trying to get back into the swing of things. The club had a dinner and I was able to talk to everyone. Made sure they knew I was getting my shit together. Sure they were pissed at some things I’d done, but in the end, they had my back. “Between club shit, Liquid, and my brothers, things have been a blur.”

  “You spoken to Bell yet?”

  I look up at her name but shake my head. “Not yet. Working up to that one.” The truth is I’m not even sure what to do about Bell. It’s been almost three weeks since we’ve spoken. I’ve wanted to call every day I’ve been back, but something is still holding me back.

  “Good plan. A woman like Bell deserves more from you, Jesse.”

  “What would you know about women, asshole,” I joke, but falter when I see his smile thin out.

  “I know you had a good one. Know you lost her too. Also know she deserves more, Jesse. This guilt bullshit, it’s gotta end if you want a life with her.”

  “You warning me off my girl, Conner?” My hands clench at my side, knowing I need the kick up the ass, but not expecting it from him.

  “Nah, man. Opposite. I want you to fight for her, Jesse. I want you to sort your shit out. Drop this guilt you think you have because of me and win her back. I wanted to die. Yes. But you didn’t let me. Do I think about that every day of my life, wishing you let me go? No. I think about how grateful I am I survived. I wasn’t meant to die, Jesse. I know that now. I wish you could see it too.” Needing a moment to process everything he just confessed, I move over to a chair. Yeah, we’ve talked about this in the past, but maybe today is the first time I’ve allowed myself to actually listen.

  “I guess I just always felt you didn’t want this life, Conner. That day, it plays over in my mind most nights, seeing you laying there and pleading with me…” I let the memory trail off.

  “It’s the life I’ve been given, Jesse. Not saying it’s not hard, ‘cause it is sometimes, but I’m not going to let it control me. It’s been five years. Fifteen surgeries, months and months of rehab. Do you think I’m giving up? Fuck no. So I’m not accepting this from you. You have a chance at happiness. Don’t fucking blow it.” I look up and see one of my best friends surviving in this world. Not only existing, but living. Constantly fighting, not once in a while, but every single day, and a new hope stirs in my belly. This man, this hero hasn’t given up after everything he has been handed.

  Why should I?

  * * *

  “Where the fuck is it?” I curse, searching through my bag two hours later. After leaving Conner to finish out his physical therapy, I took a ride to clear my head. I knew I had a long road ahead of me, but after one real conversation with Conner, it was as if a new light had set fire in me. I could see more clearly. Just because I had been living a life I didn’t want, didn’t mean Conner was. I had painted him in the same light I saw myself. Instead of letting go and taking his word for it, I held on to a false sense of guilt for surviving. The irony was, out of the two of us, I was the one perishing. And after finally realizing it, I knew things had to change. Conner was right. I had a real shot at happiness with Bell, if I could just set this shit with my father aside.

  Coming up empty in my bag, I move to my jeans and search the pockets.

  “Kadence!” I shout, wondering if she’s seen it lying around.

  “I’m in the kitchen!” Moving through the clubhouse, I pass Sy and Holly in the middle of some bullshit fight. I block them out and continue on towards Kadence.

  “Hey.” I walk into the kitchen watching her place the last layer of sauce on her famous lasagna.

  “Hey, how’re you?” She looks up at my voice. “How’s Conner?”

  Most people avoid asking about Conner, unsure of how to address the conversation. Not Kadence. She gets it. Understands my need to keep it real. “He’s good, doing better.”

  “That’s great. You should invite him over for dinner now he’s out of rehab.” She picks up the pot and starts pouring more sauce.

  “Yeah, sure,” I agree without really listening. “Hey, did you pick up any envelopes last week at the safe house?” I ask, wondering if maybe I should just forget about it. I mean, is it really going to help?

  “Hmm,” she pauses then turns to me, “maybe.” She places the pot back on the stove and moves to her bag on the table.

  “It’s no big deal if you…” I trail off as my eyes find the worn white envelope safely in Kadence’s hand.

  “This?” She waves it in front of me.

  “Where did you find that?” I bite out before I can catch myself.

  “In the trash.” She levels her stare on me. I don’t even remember throwing it away.

  “You still want it?” Her head tilts to the left in a subtle challenge.

  “Um.” I look at my father’s handwriting scribbled across the front then back to her. The truth is I don’t know what I want. Part of me wants to tell her to take it and put it back in the trash and never think about it again. After all, a crumbly piece of paper with some words isn’t going to repair a lifetime of wrong doings. But another part of me is curious. What could he say to me on paper that he couldn’t ever say out loud?

  “You should at least open it.” She steps forward and hands me the letter. “If you don’t like what he wrote, throw it away again.” She makes it sounds so simple, then turns back to the stove.

  “Will you read it for me?” I find myself asking before I can take it back.

  “You don’t think it’s private?” She turns back and questions.

  “Had been carrying it around since the night he died. Tried to open it every day till I finally broke down and threw it away,” I admit, holding out the letter. She takes it back without a word and moves toward a chair. I stay standing and watch as she slides her finger along the top, breaking the seal and pulling out a piece of paper.

  “You sure?” She looks up before unfolding it.

  “Now or never.” I shrug, knowing it could go either way. At least having Kadence here with me forces me to address my feelings. She wouldn’t let me fall back in to the hole she fought so hard to get me out of.

  She nods, unfolds the piece of paper, and begins:

  Jesse,

  I know this letter probably comes too late in more ways than one and that sorry will never take away the pain or ugliness I brought to our family, but it may give you the closure you deserve.

  They say guilt is to the spirit what pain is to the body. Throughout my life I’ve carried a lot of guilt, failures and many disappointments, but as I lie here reflecting on my life, my biggest regret is not being the kind of father of which you were completely worthy. I lost my way. I let drinking become my outlet, my place where I could shut everything away, even the people I cared about the most. I guess it's only fitting now that the same thing that masked my darkness and took away my family is now taking my life from me.

  I'm sorry, Jesse, for every time I’ve demanded respect, instead of earning it. For saying “No,” simply because I could. For every time I’ve told you to be humble and then turned around and told you that losing wasn’t an option. For limiting my love, for every time you’ve needed a father and I gave you something less because I didn’t think my love was enough. But most of all, I’m sorry for not saying sorry until it was too late.

  My only hope now is that in my death you spend the rest of your life knowing who you are, instead of proving who you are. Don’t become me, son. Don’t walk around with hate and anger. Be the man I never could be.

  I love you for you. Your worth is conditional on nothing.

  Your father,

&nb
sp; John.

  The crinkle of the paper sounds deafening as she folds the letter back into its folded form. Not knowing what to say, I let the silence grow between us as I replay his words over in my mind.

  Your worth is conditional on nothing.

  “You okay?” she finally asks, her words hoarse and breaking me out of my thoughts. Aren’t these the words I always longed to hear?

  “I have been searching for his acceptance my whole life, and now he gives it to me, but I have no idea what to do with it.” I move to the table and take a seat next to her.

  “What were you expecting?” she asks and I have to stop to think about my answer. It’s not that I’m dissatisfied with what he wrote, but more so of what I don’t feel reading it. An instant gratification that he was wrong and I was right doesn’t wash over me. His words don’t take away the hurt he had weaved into my life. They almost seem too perfect.

  “Peace,” I finally reply, knowing in that moment my mother was right. My father apologizing was never going to set me free all the wrong doings he had done. Nor would it make it all okay. Letting my past control how I lived was never about him, but me. Yes, my need to feel worthy stemmed from him, but I had the power all along to let it go. Only I didn’t see it. Until now.

  “I’m a fucking idiot.” I stand and pull out my phone.

  “What are you doing?” Kadence asks, her eyes growing wide with anticipation.

  “Calling, Bell.” I scroll through my recent contacts, hit her name and bring the phone up to my ear. I’m not even sure she’s going to answer, but I have to try.

  “Hello.” Her voice shocks me for a second before I compose myself and speak.

  “Bell?”

  “Hi, Jesse?” she answers. Not angry, or sad, just resigned.

  “I’m, umm. I-” I stumble with what to say. I didn’t think that far ahead when I decided I was going to try to call her. I look down at Kadence as she nods her encouragement.

  “How are you?” I ask and start to move back to my room. Kadence pouts, annoyed she will miss out on our conversation, but I know I can’t do this in front of her.

  “I’ve been better.” Her soft reply brings me back to the moment and has me wanting to reach through the phone to her. For her.

  Reaching my room, I close the door and walk to the bed. “I fucked up, sweetheart,” I admit, knowing I don’t have any right to ask for forgiveness, but still needing it all the more. “I wasn’t in a good place and I don’t know what the hell I was thinking…” I trail off, my head remembering parts of that day and wishing I could shut it all out. How could I have been so fucking stupid? Out of everyone in my life, she was the one who brought me peace. She was the one who constantly tried to help me move past it.

  “You still there?” I ask, realizing I got lost in my head for a minute.

  “Yeah,” she whispers and I wait for more, but it doesn’t come.

  “Say something, Bell,” I plead, still holding onto hope that I haven’t pushed away the one person in this world who gets me.

  “Jesse, I can’t do this with you right now.” She sighs, ignoring my confession.

  “Don’t give up on me, Bell,” I beg, not sure if we can come back but willing to do anything she needs me to.

  After reading my father’s words, I want to try. I don’t want to be him. I don’t want to live my life in this regret any longer. I might not ever forget what he put us through, but I know letting it go is the only way I can move forward. Move forward with her.

  “I know you weren’t yourself, Jesse. You were hurting and dealing in your own way. It doesn’t make it right, nor does it make things between us better, but I’m glad you finally see something has to change.” Her soft voice clenches my heart.

  “Things are going to change, Bell. I promise.” I believe it more than I’ve ever believed in anything before.

  “I hope so for you, Jesse.”

  “For us,” I correct her, needing her to know where my head is at.

  “Jesse, right now there is no us.”

  “Don’t say that, sweetheart. There will always be an us. I know I have a lot of work to do, but I’m not giving up.”

  “Maybe it would be easier? Just walk away and let it be.” The coolness of her tone doesn’t sit well with me, but I have to remember I can’t demand her forgiveness.

  “Bell, what do you need from me right now?” I know I might be opening myself up for rejection, but I can’t expect her to trust me when I can’t give her what she needs.

  “I need time, Jesse. I need to feel safe, and I need you to fight for yourself, not for me.”

  “I’ll give you time. I’ll fucking count the seconds, the minutes, the hours until I can prove you’ll be safe with me. But I’m fighting for both of us, baby.”

  The silence rings loudly in my ear, reaching my heart and embedding itself into my soul. Her silence, my loneliness, all fuels me to fight. Fight like I never have before for the only person in my life worth fighting for.

  This is a battle; this is a war of the hearts. Call me selfish, an asshole, a fucking prick… whatever, but Bell is going to experience firsthand what it looks and feels like to have a man fight for her. She might not believe it now, and she has every right not to, but I am going to get her back. Time was all I had.

  She will see.

  Thirty-Six

  BELL

  JESSE: Thinking of you.

  I pick up my phone as the daily text from Jesse comes through right on time. My thumb dances over the buttons, tempted to reply, but I don’t.

  It’s been two weeks since Jesse called me. Two weeks of waking up every morning and seeing his name come up on my phone. Two weeks of him telling me he misses me. Two weeks of going to bed and reading his apologies. Two weeks of guilt.

  I know I’m shutting him out, and maybe I’m not playing fair, but what else can I do? Pulling back from Jesse is the right thing to do.

  “Bell, are you ready?” My mom’s question travels up the staircase and into my bedroom.

  “Yep, give me five,” I shout back, placing my phone down and moving to finish packing the last box left. Even though the last few weeks have been hard, they’ve made me realize, Jesse was right. I let Paige and my need to find her stop me from moving forward. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to lose any more time, and when I finally realized that I made the decision to move out.

  At first, Mom and Dad were shocked. So soon after Jesse and I breaking up, they voiced their concerns that I was reacting. And maybe I was, but deep down, we all knew it was the right thing to do. Deep down, we all knew it was coming.

  It also allowed me keep my mind off things. Things like a hurting Jesse.

  “You got the last box?” Dad asks from my door, breaking my thoughts.

  “All done.” I stand and point to the last box.

  “You better go check on your mom. She’s very close to losing it. Lissy isn’t helping.” He winks before bending to pick up the box. I roll my eyes picturing what my best friend could be filling my mother’s head with.

  “Maybe she should stay. I can come back when I’ve settled in?” I begin to follow him out, not sure Mom is going to cope.

  “No, give her this. It’s good for her,” he encourages as we head down the stairs and out to the truck that holds all my belongings.

  “Okay, but beware of the tears,” I warn, watching him move toward the front door. I don’t follow; instead, I move to where Lissy and my mom are talking in the kitchen.

  “All done,” I tell them, walking to the fridge and grabbing a bottle of water. Mom is quiet, while Lissy lets out a loud shout of excitement.

  “This is gong to be so awesome!” I point a look her way, telling her to cool the enthusiasm. She doesn’t get it, so I give up and turn to mom.

  “Now, are you certain you’re ready for this, Bell?” Mom asks when I step back around the counter.

  “Yes, Mom. I’m ready. We’ve been over this.” She nods, her head
moving fast, like she’s trying to force the reality of what’s happening here today to sink in.

  “Okay, before anyone starts backing out, let’s do this.” Lissy claps her hands once. Her smile is huge and I want to mirror it, but I don’t want to upset Mom too much.

  “Dad’s ready,” I agree, and wait for her to move.

  “What am I going to do without you?” She steps forward and takes me in her arms. Her body shakes in mine, her emotions becoming too much. I knew it was coming, so I let her have her moment.

  “Well, if I were you, I’d be turning Bell’s room into a gym,” Lissy jokes, breaking the moment.

  Mom steps back and forces a smile. It’s not much, but it’s a start, and I know it’s going to take time. Everything is going to be all right.

  At least with us it would be.

  * * *

  JESSE: Noticed a shirt missing today. You know anything about that, sweetheart?

  Shit

  I drop my phone back into my bag and continue to make my way out of the building.

  Jesus, he won’t give up. Three weeks. Three weeks of guilt is worse than two weeks. I should just give up and reply to at least one of them, but something is still holding me back

  “Bell Johnson, you better not be ignoring me, woman.” I turn at my name and watch Holly stand from a waiting chair and step forward.

  “Holly?”

  Just finishing a twelve-hour shift, the last person I ever expect sitting here waiting for me would be Holly.

  “Don’t Holly me. I’ve been trying to call you the last three days. What’s your deal?” Her hands move to her waist as she levels her best pissed-off look at me.

  “Sorry, I’ve just been really busy with moving.” I cringe, watching her eyes narrow further.

  “You moved? What the hell? Girl, you have some explaining to do.” She steps forward, takes my hand, and starts moving me forward in the direction I was heading.