Desertion

by River Savage

  “You’re here alone, right?” I look around, quickly checking my surroundings.

  “Of course I am.” She shakes her head.

  “Where are we going?” I ask when we make it outside. The sun has only just set, and my hopes of a quiet night in are dashed when she answers.

  “You and I are going for dinner. I think a good chat is in order, don’t you?” I want to argue, tell her I’m not really up for company tonight, but I know she’s not going to take no for an answer. So I keep quiet and follow her to her car.

  “I can meet you there?” I offer, walking past the hospital’s employee parking lot, right past my car.

  “And give you a chance to escape? No. Get in.” She clicks the key fob, unlocking her car. Holly is scary when she’s pissed so I do as I’m told, take a seat in the passenger’s side and buckle my seat belt.

  “You want Fireside or Happy Chef?” She kindly offers me the choice of where to go.

  “Happy Chef,” I answer. She nods, but doesn’t say anything. I’m not entirely sure why she’s angry. Yeah I’ve been keeping a low profile. Not taking calls, but it’s nothing personal. Between moving and work, I really haven’t had a chance to breathe.

  “Holly—” I begin but get cut off.

  “Wait till we get to Happy Chef. I’ve messaged Kelly and Kadence to meet us there,” she says, turning left onto the main road.

  Shit. This is worse. Maybe I would have been able to handle Holly, but Kadence and Kelly…

  I’m screwed.

  * * *

  “Why didn’t you call us?” Kadence asks twenty minutes later after we place our order with the waitress. The rest of the ride with Holly was quiet. We pulled up at the front of Happy Chef and made our way inside. Surprisingly enough Kelly and Kadence were all ready here waiting for us.

  “It was just one of those things, guys,” I try to explain, but how do I?

  “We’re family, Bell. You can’t just shut us out like this,” Kelly argues this time, making me feel worse.

  “I just needed do this on my own. For once in my life, I needed to do something on my own.”

  “We get that, we do. But not taking our calls, and pushing us out, how are we supposed to support you?” Kadence reaches for my hand. I don’t pull away, allowing her touch to comfort me.

  “I just thought, with Jesse and I…” I trail off, not really sure what I thought. These women are Jesse’s family. I have no claim to them.

  “We’re still your friends, Bell.” Holly sounds insulted but her smile throws me off. Is she pissed or not? “I’m offended you thought we would ditch you, just because that stupid idiot couldn’t sort his shit out.”

  “I’m sorry.” I shake my head, realizing I’ve been stupid. “You’re right. I shouldn’t have pushed you away.”

  “It’s fine, we get it.” Kadence releases my hand and moves back to her soda.

  “Just don’t do it again,” Holly adds, throwing me off again.

  “Are you okay?” I ask, picking up on her hot-and-cold mood.

  “Ugggh, no. I’m a mess, but I needed to make sure you’re okay first before dumping it on you,” she spills, confirming my suspicions.

  “I’m fine, guys, promise. Just dealing in my own way.” I direct my gaze to all of them, offering them a smile.

  “Good, ‘cause we have a change of plans for the bachelorette party.”

  “In Vegas?” I ask, remembering them talking about it last month. I know it was planned for next month, but I wrote that idea off when Jesse and I broke up.

  “Yes, our Vegas bachelorette party turned into our Vegas wedding.” She squeals her excitement.

  “You’re getting married in Vegas? What? Why?” The last time Holly and I spoke I was told they’d already settled on a venue here in Rushford.

  “Sy doesn’t want to deal with a big wedding. I don’t blame him, but it’s just becoming too much of a hassle. We’re fighting over the stupidest shit. I just want it to be over with.”

  “I can’t imagine,” I offer, not sure what to say. Sy’s a pretty relaxed person. I’m not sure what would have him so tense.

  “I know. So we’ve bumped the date and are going next week.”

  “Next week?” I repeat as the waitress brings our orders to the table. Holly doesn’t reply until the waitress leaves us.

  “Yes, next week. So you need to sort whatever you need to sort out.”

  “Holly, a week is barely enough time to get time off—” I begin, but her shaking head stops me.

  “If you had answered your damn phone…” She has a point. A point that shuts me up.

  “We booked you a room. We’re heading down next Friday.” Kadence smiles, digging me deeper into this mess. Not that I can get out of it anyway.

  Shit Jesse

  “And Jesse?” I ask, my pulse finding a rhythm I thought I had lost.

  “He’s going to be there.” Holly shrugs and I swallow, wondering how I’m going to get through it.

  “I don’t know,” I start to back track. God, the thought of seeing him a week from now has me panicking.

  “You can bring your best friend, Lissy?” Holly offers, softening her stand.

  Lissy, Jesse, and the Rebels in Vegas?

  “I’m not sure if it’s the best idea or the worst idea,” I offer and watch the girls smile.

  “So you’re in,” Holly pushes, bringing me back to the moment of truth.

  “Do I have a choice?” I know I don’t. I have vacation time saved up at work anyway. Even if I didn’t, I’m sure Holly would find a way for me to be there.

  “You’re a fast learner, Bell.” She laughs, moving back to her dinner.

  I’m far from a fast learner, but I’m coming to realize it doesn’t matter when it comes to Holly. It was her way or no way.

  Kind of like Jesse.

  Oh, God, how am I going to handle Jesse?

  Thirty-Seven

  JESSE

  “It’s like two opposing forces. Grief and rage.” I look up for the first time and catch Conner’s eyes. “Truth is I’ve been angry a long time.” My hands shake at my side as I fight my flight response.

  It’s taken me three weeks to stand up here today. Three weeks of listening to these men tell their stories and trying to encourage me to tell my story. Three weeks of hiding.

  “Instead of being a burden to my family, the people I needed to let in, I shut them all out. I mean, it’s not like they could possibly understand that physically being home didn’t mean I really came home.” I get a few nods and grunts agreeing. Taking a deep breath, I fill my lungs and continue. “When I close my eyes at night, sometimes I still see myself picking up the body parts of my brothers. I still see myself holding them as they die in my arms on the battlefield. I still see the blood spattered all over my uniform as they take their last breaths.” My voice falters but I keep it together. It’s not like I prepared a speech ready for this moment.

  “Do you wrestle with thinking you’re to blame?” Frank, the group session leader, asks, encouraging me to continue.

  “My mind tells me that I didn’t cause their pain and grief, but my heart tells me otherwise. I know I can't change their pain, but I can change mine and the pain I inflicted on my family, on the people I love.” I look up at Conner and watch him nod. I know I’m starting to lose it, so I decide that’s enough for today. Small steps.

  “That’s all. Thanks,” I tell Frank, letting him know I’m done.

  “Thanks for sharing, Jesse.” He doesn’t push me to continue and I’m fucking grateful. Just talking aloud for the first time in front of others has me on edge.

  Frank moves on to the next person, and I spend the rest of the session reliving not only mine, but their nightmares over and over. It’s probably the most honest thing I’ve ever shared, and even though I’m on edge, wired from living this shit that plagues my dreams, I know I’m safe. I know my brothers have me and I know I’m not going to fuck up again.

  It’s not an opt
ion.

  * * *

  “You gonna keep looking at that phone, or you gonna eat?” Conner asks, breaking me out of my stare.

  “Huh?” I look up and watch him smirk.

  “What the fuck are you doing, Jesse? Since when do you let a woman mess you up like this?”

  “You’re the fucking one who said to give her time.” I pocket my phone and force myself to get my shit together.

  “How’s that working out for you?” He smirks, knowing just how fucking well it’s working. Asshole.

  “About as well as it was last week.” I shake my head and move back to my burger. We just finished our group session and decided to come into town to eat.

  “You tried going to see her?”

  “Not ready for that yet.” I shut that idea down knowing I need to pull my head out of my ass and step up. I just need a bit more time.

  “Remind me what you’re waiting for again?”

  “She asked for time. I’m giving it to her.” I wish she would give me something more to work with. I do worry I’ve pushed her too far. The night of my father’s funeral was brutal. Maybe she would never forgive me for that, but we were long past forgiveness. I just needed to prove it wouldn’t happen again.

  “Just don’t forget who you are, Jesse. Yes, you fucked up. Yes, you’re giving her what she asked for, but in my experience, most women don’t know what they want.”

  “In your experience?” I snort at the fucker as he throws a French fry at my head.

  “Hey, I’m not the sucker looking at my phone every day wondering when some pussy is gonna call.”

  “That’s my woman you’re talking about, asshole.”

  “Exactly, now just remind her of that.”

  I don’t respond ‘cause he’s fucking right.

  Bell is my woman, and maybe I was going to have to make her remember. Maybe her plea for more time needed to end. I knew what I was doing now wasn’t enough. I had to do more. She deserved more. We both did.

  I just needed to do one more thing.

  * * *

  “What the fuck are you doing here?” T’s eyes connect with mine as soon as I step foot in the bar just outside of town.

  If any of my brothers were here, they’d have me by the scruff of my cut, pulling me back out to my bike.

  “Calling in a favor.” I clock the three men to my right, Bear, T’s VP, and some other fucker I don’t know, and the on my left, the punk ass I should have laid out, Danger. It might turn out to be my biggest fuck up to date, but I can’t not try.

  “You got some big fucking balls walking in here right now, asshole.”

  “I don’t have balls. My woman fucking took them when she left my ass,” I counter and watch him throw back his head in laughter.

  “Fuck, you messed up by some pussy, Jesse? Welcome to the club.” T nods to the stool beside him. I take a seat, keeping an eye on my surroundings. It might be stupid for me to just walk in here, but I had to give it one last shot.

  “Your prez know you’re here?”

  “Does it matter?” I don’t like that I’m going against my club, but if I play this right, it won’t matter.

  “It does if I have Nix breathing down my neck.” I hold back my smile, knowing T and his men want the truce just as much as we do.

  “You give me what I want, there won’t be any drama on our end.” I know he’s apprehensive, but I won’t renege.

  “And when I’m ready to call in that marker?”

  “You deal with me.” I point my stare at him, letting him know this is a must. Not Nix, or the club but me. I’ll owe the fucker.

  “What do you have that’s going to persuade me?” He crosses his arms and rests back, waiting for the sweetener.

  “You get your marker from me and my brother.” I offer him something that isn’t mine to offer, but I’ll deal with Jackson later.

  T doesn’t say anything at first, his eyes calculating me, sizing me up, trying to figure out if I’ll deliver on my promise. I’m not messing around. I’m a man of my word and I’ll come through.

  “I give you what you want, this doesn’t come back on us.” It’s not a question but a thinly veiled threat.

  “You think I give a fuck what happens to you? I don’t. But you give me what I want, I’ll make sure when heads roll, this shit doesn’t come back on you,” I promise. By the time we’re done with these sick fucks, the Warriors will be the least of their concern.

  “Do we have a deal?” I push, needing to move this shit along. “I got a wedding to attend.”

  “You getting hitched to the little piece you’re messed up about?” the little punk, Danger, calls out.

  “You don’t even fucking look at me, cunt.” I point back to him but keep my eyes on T. I don’t give a fuck if I’m in their house, the little fucker will see the full effects of my rage if he even speaks Bell’s name.

  “Name,” I urge T, needing to the get fuck out of here.

  “Axle David.” My skin crawls as the name registers.

  “Where?”

  “Arizona. Not gonna lie, getting her out…it’s not going to be easy.”

  I nod and stand. He might believe that, but my options aren’t exhausted.

  “You call your marker to me,” I remind him as I make my way to the door. He doesn’t reply. Even if he did, I wouldn’t respond. We both got what we needed.

  Now I had work to do.

  I needed Jay in on this.

  Thirty-Eight

  BELL

  “Are you ready yet, Holly?” Kadence claps her hands together growing impatient.

  “Quit rushing me. I have some serious props to get through here,” Holly calls back, not one to be rushed.

  “Like I said, payback’s a bitch,” Kadence nudges me with a whisper.

  “This view is amazing.” I move toward the window and look down at the Bellagio fountain as it lights up, dancing in time with a classical number.

  “Have you ever been here?” Kadence comes forward and hands me a glass of wine. I stop myself from pushing it away, and accept it with a smile.

  “No, first time.” I raise my glass then take a sip. Citrus and a hint of pear ignite my taste buds, and I relax into the taste.

  “Come on, ladies, we’re going to be late!” Kadence yells out, still waiting on the other three.

  “Okay, I’m ready!” Kelly shouts out this time before walking out of the bedroom with Lissy on her tail.

  “Oh, my gosh, Kelly, look at you.” I move toward the glass table that sits in the middle of the room as I place my glass down to get a better look at her.

  “Thanks?” She twirls on the spot and her black dress shimmers under the penthouse suite lights. Her blonde hair sits in curls past her shoulders and her makeup has been applied flawlessly. Lissy worked her magic on her and she looks absolutely amazing.

  “Umm, I feel so underdressed.” I look down at my basic little black dress that sits a little shorter than I’m comfortable with and contemplate heading back next door to my suite and changing.

  “No, you look hot.” Lissy scowls, but I’m not convinced. The whole weekend still feels wrong. When Holly originally invited me to her bachelorette party months ago, Jesse and I were still together. Now that we are no longer seeing each other I didn’t feel right coming with everything still between us. The last thing I wanted was to make anyone uncomfortable.

  “Girl, you’re looking fine. What are you talking about?” Kadence asks, pulling me out of my thoughts as she pours Kelly her own glass of wine. Shaking my insecurities off, I shrug and let it go. It’s not like I have anything else here to wear.

  “Yeah, you’re looking amazing, Bell. What’s this glow you have going on?” Holly steps out from the master bedroom wearing white from head to toe. The short white dress she showed us earlier hugs her body in the best sort of way. You wouldn’t even believe she had a baby only six months ago. A cheap plastic veil sits over her blonde hair letting everyone know what we’re here for tonight.<
br />
  “That glow would be the new crush that’s been happening at work. Our little naughty nurse has the eye of some sexy doctor.” Lissy comes around the bar with her own drink oblivious to my daggers.

  Holly was gracious enough to invite Lissy along to her special weekend and I’m thankful. When I realized it wouldn’t just be a girls’ weekend, but the whole club would be joining, I wasn’t very keen on coming. Things between Jesse and I are in limbo right now, but knowing I have Lissy here with me when I finally do see Jesse for the first time in weeks, makes this weekend a whole lot easier.

  “You look amazing, Holly.” I ignore my best friend and turn the attention on the bride-to-be.

  “Oh, I know I do.” Her laugh fills the suite as she does a little twirl. “But, I wanna hear more about this doctor. Spill, naughty nurse.” She holds her hand out for a drink and like a well practiced maid of honor, Kadence has one ready.

  “It’s nothing, guys. He just asked me out for coffee.” I brush it off, starting to feel guilty. “I’m not even sure I’m going to go.”

  “You’re going, Bell Johnson.” Lissy takes on her ‘mother hen’ tone, her finger pointing down at me. “You need to get out there. Besides, it’s coffee, not marriage.” I know she’s right. I do need to get out there, but everything is still raw since the fall out with Jesse. It’s not like I’m crying myself to bed every night. I’m just not sure I’m ready.

  “Lissy, dating is the last thing I need right now. I’ve only just settled in to our new place,” I try to explain, but I know it’s only falling on deaf ears.

  “Even more reason to relax.” Her brows bounce on the words relax before she throws her head back and laughs. “Think of it as a house warming present for yourself. Flying Out Of The Nest Award.” She laughs louder at her own joke but I don’t.

  “Isn’t this weekend meant to be about Holly? Let’s talk about her.” Heat creeps up my neck. I hate being the center of attention. I know everyone is worried about me this weekend, but I didn’t come here for lectures or adventures. I came here for Holly.