Dan the Barbarian

by Hondo Jinx

  Dan’s breathing was rapid and shallow, making him feel like he was suffocating. His extremities tingled with intensifying numbness, and the room around him was growing wavy and indistinct. The venom was coursing through him, shutting down his systems, trying to finish him.

  The room spun around him. His body sagged, threatening to collapse.

  Dan shook his head.

  “No!” he yelled at himself. “Finish this… the key… have to win.”

  With all his might, he pulled once more, yanking his feet free of the clutching floor and losing a boot in the process. He hauled himself up onto the window sill and cursed when he nearly tumbled into the open air.

  For a few seconds, he wobbled there, steadying himself with one hand and regaining his balance.

  It was a long way down.

  Staring out into the void with blurry vision, he groaned at the scoreboard.

  49 seconds.

  That's all the time he had.

  He tried to pull the rope off his shoulder and over his head, but his body was clumsy and slow.

  Have to get it, he thought fumbling with the rope. Have to tie it off and…

  His body spasmed painfully, cramping with poison, and the pain cleared his thinking momentarily.

  There wasn't time to secure the rope and climb down. Besides, the poison was moving fast. Soon he wouldn't be able to grip the rope.

  He glanced again at the scoreboard.

  32 seconds.

  31.

  Then he looked down to where his three teammates stood, far below, shouting up at him. Yes, three. He grinned with grim satisfaction. Holly had saved Nadia.

  An absolutely insane idea occurred to him.

  “Wulfgar! How many hit points do I have left?”

  “21, you crazy barbarian!” the sword yelled.

  21 hit points…

  Fifty feet…

  1-10 points of damage for every ten feet.

  Which meant…?

  His cloudy brain struggled with the calculation, then tossed it aside like a dead spider.

  “To hell with math,” Dan said, and gripping Wulfgar in one hand and the key in the other, he stepped off the window ledge and dropped like a tombstone.

  39

  Where Am I?

  Dan awoke.

  Sort of.

  All was darkness.

  He could see nothing, smell nothing, hear nothing, feel nothing.

  Not even his own body.

  He just was.

  Dan was a formless consciousness, alone in an endless void.

  He remembered falling. Remembered the girls screaming up at him. Remembered pounding through a cloud of screeching rats, whipping past a discordant chorus of ghoulish laughter. Remembered giving one final barbaric battle cry and slamming into the ground with a crunching explosion of pain and…

  Nothing.

  He could remember nothing else.

  Now he was here, alone in this strange non-space.

  Holy shit, he thought. Am I dead?

  Was this the afterlife? Would he spend an eternity alone, feeling nothing, only thinking, thinking, thinking?

  Then a familiar voice bellowed, “Wake up, asshole!”

  Wulfgar? Dan asked–or rather, thought, as he didn’t seem to have a mouth at the moment.

  Wulfgar must have heard him, however, because the sword’s voice said, “The one and only.”

  Am I… dead?

  “Not yet,” Wulfgar said. “But hey, if you see a bright light soon, you might want to sit tight and not go rushing to it like some kind of moth, all right? Because you’re at -8 hit points. If you drop two more points…”

  Dan would have nodded with understanding if he’d had a head. So I’m… what? Unconscious?

  “Flesh-and-blood Dan is out like a wet torch,” Wulfgar said. “You, though? You’re just sort of in-between.”

  Wait… if I’m not flesh-and-blood Dan, who am I?

  “We’re still trying to sort that out, aren’t we?” Wulfgar said. “Look, I figured I would bring you up to speed on some stats, while we, you know, wait and see if you’re going to die.”

  Great, Dan thought, hoping that his sarcastic tone would somehow resonate despite his lack of vocal cords.

  “Let’s talk experience points. You were sitting at 7343. You get 152 more for killing a bunch of flying rats, 200 for getting the key, and 810 for killing the spiders. That puts you at 8505 experience points.”

  That was good, Dan thought, but he still needed around 3500 points to reach third level. And the semifinals had made it abundantly clear that if he survived and the Noobs made the finals, he would really need to reach third level to have any chance of surviving the challenge.

  “Finally,” Wulfgar said, “in light of your original mission statement to make your sorry-ass life more like my kick-ass life in T&T, you get an additional 500 experience points for being a crazy bastard and jumping off that tower. You might’ve looked before you leaped, but you sure didn’t think. That’s the most Wulfgar-ish thing you’ve ever done, so you’re up to 9005 points now, tough guy.”

  Thanks, I guess.

  “You were a complete madman! I mean, old-world Dan used to do stuff like that with a made-up character, but you jumped yourself. Talk about barbaric!” The sword’s laughter filled the void.

  Yeah, Dan thought-spoke, and about my crazy jump… how many hit points does flesh-and-blood me have now?

  “You’re at -9,” Wulfar said. “But don’t go embarrassing us both with some sappy farewell. Your girlfriends unlocked the tombstone, and the healer just arrived…”

  40

  Thank You

  “I love you, Dan,” Holly said, gazing into his eyes.

  They stood in the living room of Nadia’s apartment in the center of town. Dan was feeling pretty good for a guy who’d almost died only a few hours earlier. He felt good as new, in fact, thanks to the healers.

  He and the girls had gotten cleaned up, changed, eaten, and were heading to the Skeller when Holly and Nadia had changed direction, leading Dan to Nadia’s apartment, which he hadn’t seen until now.

  The place was spacious and clean and really nice in an understated way, looking nothing like a thieves’ den or the dorm of a cheery RA. This was the tastefully simple retreat of a private woman who knew what she wanted.

  “I love you, too, Holly,” Dan said with a smile. Then he turned and slid his hand under Nadia's chin. “And I love you, Nadia.”

  Nadia's face turned bright red, and she laughed, sounding both embarrassed and happy. “I love you, too,” Nadia said. She reached out and took Holly's hand. “I love both of you.”

  The girls hugged. Then they shared a knowing look and turned back toward Dan.

  Holly said, “We want to thank you.”

  “Yes,” Nadia said. “Thank you for being there for me, for catching me when I fell, for saving my life.” She lifted her mouth to his and gave him a slow, soulful kiss.

  When they broke the kiss, Holly was staring at Dan with a glimmer in her purple eyes. “I want to thank you for saving her, too, and for all that you did today. Because of your bravery, we made the finals, something I've dreamed of doing for a long time.”

  Holly lifted onto her tiptoes. As usual, her kiss was passionate and lively, her tongue probing playfully.

  “You're both welcome,” Dan said, feeling a little embarrassed.

  The girls were treating him like he was some kind of hero. In actuality, he had just done his part.

  Besides, as Zeke had pointed out shortly after Dan had awakened, Dan should have spared them all the drama and just dropped the key. In Dan’s defense, he had been out of his mind with pain, poison, and panic… but still, he didn’t think anybody should be patting him on the back right now.

  “Really,” he said, “you guys don't have to thank me.”

  “Oh,” Holly said mischievously, “we're going to thank you. Right, Nadia?”

  Nadia smiled, and her face burned bright r
ed again. But her eyes gleamed with mischief, just like Holly's. Mischief and excitement. “Yes, we are,” Nadia said. “We are going to thank you properly.”

  Each of them took one of his hands, and without saying a word, they led him through the apartment and into a bedroom.

  Dan didn't know exactly what they were up to, but you don’t need an intelligence score of 18 to know that if two loving, beautiful women lead you into a bedroom, you should probably just go with the flow and see what happens.

  Like the main living space, the bedroom was bright and clean and understated. A comfortable looking, queen-sized bed with a downy white comforter and several colorful pillows dominated the room.

  Holly stood before him.

  Nadia stood behind him.

  The girls moved in, hugging him from both sides. It felt great. He loved them both.

  He draped his left arm around Holly’s shoulders and held her close. Meanwhile, he reached back with his right hand and rubbed Nadia's hip affectionately.

  Both girls stepped back a few inches.

  Holly reached up and unclasped Dan's cloak. He felt Nadia catch the garment and toss it aside. Then Nadia's hands grabbed the bottom edge of his T-shirt.

  Holly licked her lips as Nadia peeled Dan’s shirt up over his head.

  The girls rubbed their hands over his bare upper body, massaging his muscles, tracing the lines of his abdomen, and tickling up his spine. Then they began kissing his chest and back, his neck and stomach, feathering his upper torso with light kisses.

  Dan was hard as a rock. He reached for Holly, but she grabbed his wrist, pressed it to his side, and shook her head.

  “We’re thanking you,” she said, playfully stern. “Just stand there and receive our gratitude.”

  The girls crouched down and lifted his legs one at a time, removing his boots, then stood again. Holly stepped close, draped her slender arms over his shoulders, and lay her blond head against his chest, nuzzling into him.

  Behind him, Nadia snaked her muscular arms around his waist. She pressed her body into his back and rubbed her face against his shoulders, like a cat showing affection.

  Holly unbuckled his belt and unsnapped his jeans. As soon as the button popped free, Nadia's hands hooked into his waistline and pulled his pants to the floor.

  Suddenly, he was standing there, stark naked and fiercely erect.

  Holly stepped back. She looked him up and down, as if studying every inch of him, and smiled wickedly. “You just stand right there, mister,” she said. “Don't make a move.”

  Nadia moved into view and stood beside Holly. Simultaneously, they began to slowly undress, taking their time, teasing him, both of them staring into his eyes.

  And then they stood naked before him.

  Both women were achingly beautiful and yet very different. The contrast between their beauties only served to make each of them more beautiful.

  Holly was short and blond, fine-boned and exquisitely curvy, with intelligent purple eyes and exotically pointed ears, his utterly lovely slice of summer, his grey elf princess.

  Nadia was brunette and taller, halfway between Holly's height and his own, with a slender yet powerful acrobat's physique and bright green eyes that shone with hope and hurt, his tough yet vulnerable orphan, both beautiful and beautifully complicated.

  He smiled. “My two women,” he said, feeling a surge of love. “My two, incredible, gorgeous women.”

  “Your two wives,” Holly said.

  Nadia laughed nervously. “Two women is fine, thank you very much.”

  Holly laughed. “Still in denial, huh?”

  Dan reached out and caressed each of their faces. “I don’t care what you call yourselves. I’m yours, you’re mine, and you are both beautiful.”

  Holly smirked. “That's a very generous thing for our husband to say, but he has forgotten the rules of this game.” She removed his hands and returned them to his sides.

  Dan shrugged. “What can I say? We barbarians don’t play by the—”

  Nadia cut him off with a kiss, pressing her lovely breasts against his bare chest.

  “Fuck the rules,” Dan said, and cupped her A+ ass in his hands.

  “Oh no you don't,” Nadia scolded, and peeled away his hands. “Put them behind your back if you can't control yourself.”

  Dan did as he was told. Sure, he was a rule breaker, but some games were more fun than others, rules or no rules, and he very much wanted to play this game.

  Nadia moved to his side and turned his head toward hers and resumed their kiss. He could feel her desire in the kiss but even more so, he could feel her love, and yes, her gratitude, not so much for catching her when she had fallen, he suspected, but for binding his life with hers and lifting her out of loneliness.

  For a girl who showed the world so many different faces, Nadia was incredibly transparent during this intimate moment. He could tell what she was feeling, could feel it in her kiss, hear it in her breath, and sense it in the energy coming off of her quivering body.

  Dan understood that Nadia was opening herself to him, allowing herself to be vulnerable, trusting him to protect her true self, and this only made him love her more fiercely. It was all he could do not to crush her in a loving embrace.

  What Holly did next, however, certainly helped to distract him.

  Her soft lips kissed the tip of his throbbing member one time, gently.

  He couldn't see Holly. She was down below, and he was busy making out with Nadia. But he could nonetheless picture Holly in his mind. He had watched her kiss and lick and tease him many times.

  Tonight, Holly didn't bother with licking and kissing and teasing. Her warm, wet mouth closed over him, and she plunged her head forward, taking every inch of him down her throat. She kept him like that, buried to the hilt, for several seconds.

  Her hand cupped his balls, squeezing gently. She made soft suckling sounds as her tongue moved side to side, massaging the base of his shaft.

  Nadia broke the kiss, took his face in her hands, and fixed him with a smoldering look that burned with both love and lust. Then she leaned in to kiss his neck. Her kisses moved up to his ear, where she kissed and nipped, her breath hot and ragged with desire.

  “Are you ready?” Nadia breathed.

  “Yes,” Dan said, his voice thick with passion.

  With Nadia's lips pressed to his ear, he felt her smile. “Are you sure?” she asked.

  He nodded.

  Without another word, Nadia dropped to her knees beside Holly.

  The grey elf pulled her head back, letting his entire length flop free of her mouth. She gasped for air and smiled playfully up at him, her lips shining with saliva. Then she shimmied over a few inches, making room for Nadia.

  Dan looked down, amazed at the sight of his two women, crouching side by side before him, pressed up against one another, each with an arm around the other’s waist.

  Their heads moved forward in unison to kiss and lick him. While one mouth attended to his balls, the other licked up and down his shaft. Then the mouths switched places. Back and forth, they teased him like this for several minutes.

  Dan had never been so aroused. Hot, urgent pressure built in him.

  Holly and Nadia stopped swapping roles and both focused on his member, working up and down both sides of the shaft with quick licks and soft kisses.

  Dan felt like he was going to explode. But he played their game, rules and all, and stood there, aching, with his hands pressed together behind his back like a soldier standing at parade rest.

  The girls grew more eager. Their kisses came faster and harder and louder. Humming with pleasure, they licked both sides of his shaft, pressing their tongues firmly into him and lapping his whole length, both of them at the same time.

  Then Nadia took his root in one hand and started pumping up and down as the girls’ mouths moved upward from the shaft to its head. As Nadia's hand squeezed him tightly, working up and down, up and down, both girls sucked and kissed th
e head, slurping and moaning.

  Their cheeks pressed together, as if their mouths were jockeying for position. Meanwhile, each girl rubbed the other’s back. This show of affection was sweet and feminine and curiously arousing.

  Holly took him into her mouth and sucked hard, her cheeks going hollow. Then Nadia pushed Holly's head playfully aside and took her turn, mouthing only his swollen tip, sucking hard.

  Back and forth they went, one girl watching as the other sucked, back and forth. Sometimes, as they swapped places, their lips brushed in fleeting kisses, and this only made the urgent pressure swelling in Dan rise more savagely.

  “Can't… last… much longer,” he groaned.

  Instantly, the girls ceased their ministrations.

  “Well,” Holly said, and popped to her feet, making her gorgeous breasts bounce in a very interesting way. “We can’t have that. Not yet, anyway. First, we have to change positions.”

  Holly reached around behind Dan's back, took one of his wrists, and led him to the bed, where she told him to lie down on his back with his hands behind his head. She positioned him so that his ass was at the edge of the bed, his legs were bent, and his feet still touched the floor.

  The mischievous grey elf grinned, clearly enjoying her temporary control over him. She crawled onto the bed, slid around behind him, and crouched down, pressing her knees into his bent arms, pinning them in place, giving him a lovely view of her flat stomach and the impressive swell of her breasts.

  Then Holly’s small hands covered his eyes like a blindfold, and she said, “All right, Nadia. Now show our husband how thankful you are.”

  Dan groaned, aching for release and driven out of his mind by these two, hot women.

  His knees were pushed roughly apart, and Nadia's sleek, smooth body slid in between his legs. Her hand took his shaft, her mouth closed over the head, and she went to work on him.

  Mercilessly this time.

  Nadia couldn't deep-throat him the way that Holly could, but that didn't matter. Her mouth slid up and down, exerting just the right amount of suction, while one hand fondled his balls and the other pumped the lower shaft in time with her bobbing head. She stuck to this rhythm, pleasuring every inch of him, sucking and pumping, sucking and pumping, moaning with hunger.