Dan the Barbarian

by Hondo Jinx

  Above him, Holly was moaning, too, all but panting, and though he couldn't see her, he could feel her hips gyrating in the open air, mad with lust.

  Hearing his two women, picturing them, feeling them, Dan could take no more. He growled and tensed.

  “Finish him, Nadia,” Holly commanded. “Show your husband how grateful you are. Swallow every drop.”

  Dan roared and exploded in Nadia’s mouth, bucking with the most intense orgasm of his life.

  Nadia did as she was commanded, sucking and slurping and moaning more loudly than ever, pumping away with her hand, milking him as he filled her mouth with his seed.

  Holly released him and scampered off the bed.

  “Holy Hades,” Dan groaned, looking up at the ceiling. “That was amazing!”

  He felt Holly push in between his legs beside Nadia, who laughed happily. Then he heard wet kissing sounds, propped up on his elbows, and looked down to see the girls kneeling between his legs, locked in embrace, sharing a greedy kiss, swirling their tongues together, mixing their saliva and the remnants of his seed.

  He sat up and put a hand on each of their heads, caressing them gently.

  Holly pushed his hand away and turned to him, shaking her head. “Oh no you don't, mister,” she said in a mock scolding tone. “You lie back down. We're not done thanking you yet.”

  “Screw that,” Dan said, and stood. “You’re right that we're not done. Far from it, in fact. But I'm through with your rules. Now I'm going to thank both of you for being brave, beautiful women, for winning today, for saving my life, and for being mine.”

  Holly’s mouth dropped open in mock shock.

  Still hard as granite, Dan gave Holly a cocky grin, then turned pointedly away from her. He grabbed a fistful of Nadia's gorgeous chestnut locks, guided her onto the bed, and pushed her flat, face down. Her legs hung over the edge, her thighs pressed up against the side of the mattress, and her perfect ass lay before him, switching back and forth, betraying her arousal.

  “Spread your legs,” he ordered.

  Nadia obeyed, and her glistening slit came into view. She turned her head, blindfolded by her dark hair and panting with anticipation.

  “Lift that sweet ass up in the air,” Dan told her.

  Then he glanced over his shoulder at Holly, who watched, trembling and transfixed, her hand making wet sounds as it worked furiously between her quivering legs.

  “You,” he said, and shook his head. “No touching. Put your hands behind your back and watch me thank Nadia. Then she will watch as I thank you. Properly.”

  41

  Mother Wolf

  Later, after properly expressing their gratitude, Dan and the girls left Nadia’s apartment and headed toward the Skeller.

  “It’s them,” someone called from across the street, pointing excitedly. “It’s the Noobs!”

  An excited female voice cried out, “Is that Dan the Barbarian?”

  Dan ignored them and swaggered on, a beautiful woman under each arm.

  “Oh, boy,” Nadia said. “You’re really loving this, aren’t you?”

  “Hades yeah,” Dan said. “We’re rock stars!”

  They were all over the news. Campus Quest was a big deal, and Dan’s leap from the tower had stolen the show. On TV, analysts were arguing whether he was brave, stupid, or an attention whore. After all, they agreed, he could’ve simply tossed the key down to his team.

  Holly and Nadia had teased him as they flipped through the channels, all of which seemed to be replaying Dan’s crazy jump.

  Dan laughed it off. He’d survived, thank Crom. That’s all that mattered. This was his fifteen minutes of glory, and he wasn’t going to let a bunch of chickenshit analysts ruin it for him.

  If he’d learned one lesson in the semifinals, it wasn’t look before you leap; it was the same lesson that Wulfgar had been hammering into him since day one in this new world.

  Less thinking, more action.

  In the finals, he was going to have to be bolder than ever.

  They turned down a dark, empty street. Halfway down the block, Holly stopped them, her pointed ears twitching. “Wait,” she said.

  Four small, cloaked figures stepped from the alleyway. Halflings?

  Dan took a step forward, one hand on Wulfgar. “Leave us be if you wish to live,” he growled.

  One of the figures stepped forward and spoke in a girl’s voice. “Mother Wolf.”

  Nadia smiled. “Goldfinch,” she said warmly, and opened her arms to the girl, who rushed into her embrace.

  The others stepped forward, hugging Nadia in turn.

  Not halflings, Dan realized. Children. Probably the same street urchins that he had seen in the Diner, when he’d first met Nadia.

  Two girls, two boys. Nadia hugged each, calling them by name.

  Goldfinch was a pretty slip of a girl in her early teens, half-elven and strawberry blond. She stared at Nadia with obvious admiration.

  The other girl was a short and heavyset half-orc around the same age as Goldfinch. She had wide-set eyes, a squashed nose, and a long mouth that lifted into a charming smile when Nadia caught the girl trying to pick her pocket. “Nice try, Toad,” Nadia said, mussing the grinning girl’s hair.

  The youngest and tallest of the crew was Stork, a stick-thin boy with a big nose, who couldn’t seem to stop moving. He shifted anxiously from foot to foot and constantly glanced about, checking his surroundings.

  A perfect lookout, Dan thought.

  The shortest member of the group actually was a halfling—and a child, though an older child than the rest, Dan could see by his features. The boy was around three feet tall but rugged, with a wrestler’s build, a square jaw, and dark, brooding eyes.

  The boy turned to Dan with a slack face and a challenge gleaming in his dark eyes. “Who’s this?”

  “Badger, this is my friend Dan,” Nadia said. “And you all know Holly.”

  Dan offered his hand.

  Badger gave a little nod but wouldn’t shake.

  Dan had to suppress a grin. What a little hard-ass this kid was. It wouldn’t do to go grinning at him, though. The kid probably had a temper, and though Dan could snap him in half, Nadia–or “Mother Wolf,” as the urchins called her–clearly cared about the boy. Besides, Dan had to admire the little bastard’s toughness.

  “What do you have for me?” Nadia said.

  The kids were silent for a few seconds. Stork shifted nervously back and forth, scanning the street.

  “It’s okay,” Nadia assured them. “Holly and Dan are family.”

  “These,” Toad said, and withdrew an oilcloth sack bound in filthy twine. She unparcelled it, revealing a tarnished brooch set with a milky gray stone, a brass letter opener, a simple copper ring, a jade comb, and a thimble.

  Nadia examined each item, pocketed the lot, and handed back the sack and twine, along with several silver pieces and a stack of coppers.

  “Thank you, Mother Wolf,” Toad said, and handed the tall boy a silver. “Stork stood watch.”

  “Very good,” Nadia said, and tossed Stork an additional silver piece. “We all have our function. Speaking of which, I trust you’ve been keeping everyone safe, Badger?”

  The halfling hard-ass nodded. “Kicked the shit out of some asshole who tried to steal Toad’s loot,” he said, “and I hamstrung a slaver who tried to steal Goldfinch last night.”

  Goldfinch nodded, her pretty eyes huge.

  “Thank you, Badger,” Nadia said, handing the boy a gold piece. “We would be lost without you.”

  The fierce boy had a hard time hiding his smile. Nadia’s praise clearly pleased him even more than the gold piece, but he was just as clearly struggling not to reveal that.

  “Now,” Nadia said, turning to the tiny blond waif, “sing for me, Goldfinch.”

  For the next several minutes, the little girl rattled off an incredible amount of information with impressive detail. Transactions, betrayals, plots, exchanges; people, places, times; i
mpending deliveries, probable ambushes, and recent incarcerations.

  “Very good,” Nadia said, digging out payment.

  “There’s more, Mother Wolf,” Goldfinch said. “Men in dark blue cloaks have been looking for you,” she said, and glanced at Dan and Holly, “and for them.”

  Dan tightened his fists. Holly had thrown the Acolytes of Eternal Darkness off track by charming one into falsely reporting that she and Dan had died, but apparently the assholes had seen them, alive and well, on a Campus Quest TV broadcast.

  “Also,” Goldfinch said, seeming nervous, “Gruss wants to see you, Mother Wolf.”

  “Why?” Nadia said, and although her voice was calm, Dan could see concern in her emerald eyes.

  Goldfinch said that she didn’t know what Gruss wanted, but his people had been spreading the word that he wanted to see Nadia. Immediately.

  Nadia paid the girl, then sent the street urchins on their way, wishing them well.

  “Mother Wolf, huh?” Dan said, as they started walking toward the Skeller.

  Holly smiled and kissed Nadia’s cheek. “More like Saint Nadia, Patron of Lost Children.”

  “Ha ha,” Nadia said, clearly uncomfortable. “I might be a lot of things, but believe me, a saint isn’t one of them.”

  Ignoring her, Holly said, “All the street kids you see around town? Nadia takes care of them.”

  “I pay them for information,” Nadia said.

  “And teach them.”

  “Yeah,” Nadia said, and laughed. “I teach them to pick pockets and locks. Then I fence their stuff for profit.”

  “Miniscule profit,” Holly said. “And you keep them from having to go to other fences, who would gouge them at best, or sell them into slavery at worst.”

  Nadia’s face twisted with anger then. “Well, that doesn’t make me a saint, okay? The whole world is full of assholes, looking to hurt and exploit kids. If I was a saint, I’d kill all of them.”

  “Let me know when you’re ready to earn your sainthood,” Dan said. “I’ll give you a hand.”

  Nadia smiled at that. “And I’m stupid for helping these kids. I guarantee that’s why Gruss is looking for me. I help kids, he takes offense. They’re on the streets, hustling, so they belong to him. That’s how Gruss sees it. I say they belong to themselves. Not that I’ll ever share that with him. I’d rather keep my head than speak my mind, if you know what I mean.”

  “Wait,” Dan said, anger rising in him. “Is this Gruss guy threatening you?”

  “Forget it,” Nadia said.

  “Fuck that,” Dan said. “I’ll chop his head off.”

  “No,” Nadia said, dead serious, “you won’t. I appreciate the sentiment, but you have no idea what you’re talking about… or, more to the point, who you’re talking about. Nobody fucks with Gruss.”

  “Who is he,” Holly said, “head of the Thieves’ Guild?”

  Nadia shook her head. “If Gruss tells the Thieves’ Guild to jump, they pay him 10% then ask him how high. Gruss was an enforcer for the Philly Syndicate. Rose through the ranks. Now he runs the center of the state.”

  Nadia frowned. “And he’s fucking crazy. I mean brutal. He’s into sending messages, which usually means cutting off a body part or two.”

  Dan wouldn’t think about that. “If he touches you, I’ll—”

  “No, Dan,” Nadia said. “Seriously. If you even look at Gruss the wrong way, he’ll cut your eyes out. I’ll avoid him for now. Then, after Campus Quest, I’ll take him a gift, try to smooth things over.”

  “We’ll go with you,” Holly said, and Dan could see that she was feeling just as protective as he was.

  “Actually, you won’t,” Nadia said. “I don’t want either one of you stepping foot in that world. If–oh joy… look. It’s our friendly neighborhood death cultists.”

  Half a dozen figures in dark blue cloaks appeared at the far end of the street. They didn’t seem to have recognized the Noobs yet.

  “Great,” Holly said. “It was nice when they thought we were dead. Sorry to have pulled you in, too, Nadia.”

  “I was already in,” Nadia said. “The acolytes just didn’t know it yet. If someone threatens either of you, they threaten me, too.”

  “Um,” Dan said, “hypocritical much?”

  Then Holly steered them into an alley.

  “Wait,” Dan said, tugging like a kid who doesn’t want to leave a playground. “I was going to kill those guys.”

  “Forget them,” Holly said, traveling deeper into the alley. “We just made the finals of frigging Campus Quest, remember? Tonight, we celebrate. I’d rather drink and sing than kill and bleed.”

  “I’m with Holly,” Nadia said. “Tonight, we party. We have the rest of our lives to kill assholes.”

  42

  Party!

  The Skeller was crazy.

  As soon as Dan and the girls approached the long line of people waiting to get inside, everyone started pointing and calling out to them. Doormen whisked them to the front of the line, and the packed bar went insane, a mob of strangers congratulating them and handing them free beers.

  Eventually, they fought their way to the back room, where a live band was blasting a pumped up blend of heavy metal, hip hop, and, strangely enough, Reggae.

  People jammed the room, swaying to the music, waving their arms overhead, and chanting, “Seek! Seek! Seek!”

  Seek what? Dan wondered, hoping they stumbled into another weird cult.

  “Look!” Holly shouted. She grinned and pointed toward the center of the crowd, where a man was bodysurfing across the crowd, kicking his arms and legs like a delighted baby.

  Of course, babies didn’t have long, white beards.

  “Zeke! Zeke! Zeke!” the crowd chanted.

  The music cut off mid-song, and the singer, a huge guy in shades, grinned and pointed at Dan and the girls. “Ladies and gentlemen, it’s the Noobs!”

  The adoring crowd crushed into them, shaking their hands and screaming congratulations and asking questions that Dan couldn’t hear.

  The music started up again. Looking ecstatic, Zeke fought his way over, hugged the girls, and slapped Dan on the arm.

  Leaning close to Dan, the old wizard said, “This is the greatest day of my life! This is exactly why I came to college!”

  Dan couldn’t help but laugh. He patted Zeke on the back.

  Sure, he hated sorcery, but Zeke wasn’t all bad. Dan forgave the wizard for his weird ways and inconsistent Campus Quest performance. After all, they never would have gotten the key without his levitation spell.

  Turning back to the crowd, Zeke shouted, “You’re awesome! You’re awesome! You’re all totally awesome!”

  Everyone roared and hauled him back into the air. Then Zeke scooted away on their hands, waving his limbs and cackling like a madman.

  People handed the Noobs free beers and cleared out a corner table for them.

  Zuggy sat in a pretty girl’s lap at the next table, pounding beer and playing chess against a smart-looking kid in glasses and a pointy wizard’s hat. The kid scratched his high forehead and stared with apparent frustration at the board. Despite the kid’s intelligent face, pocket protector, and the implications of the book at his elbow–Advanced Game Theory: Magical Applications for Really Smart Students–the drunken monkey was clearly whipping his ass.

  Dan laughed but had to wonder what such a pointy-headed genius was doing here in the Skeller. And where had they gotten a chessboard?

  Then Dan laughed even harder, remembering that this world was far from logical. This sort of thing always happened in Willis’s adventures.

  Increasingly, Dan was forgetting that this world was merely a construct. Day by day, moment by moment, this existence felt more and more real to him, as if this world were his true home and the old world, along with old-world Dan, had been nothing but fiction.

  To Hades with it. He was happy.

  A kid with a red, beefy face leaned in, pointing at Zuggy. “The
monkey’s drinking!”

  “Yeah,” Dan said.

  The red-faced kid turned to his friends. “The monkey is drinking!”

  They roared with laughter.

  “Hey, monkey,” the red-faced kid shouted, reaching across the table with a shot glass filled with amber liquid. “Do a shot, monkey!”

  Zuggy looked up from the game with glowing eyes and reached for the shot, but Dan blocked him. That looked like whiskey, and Dan hadn’t forgotten Zeke’s warning.

  Zuggy’s allergic to whiskey, Zeke had told them. It makes his knuckles bleed.

  Dan settled into the booth between Holly and Nadia, who looked beautiful and happy and both kept touching him, putting their arms over his shoulders, squeezing his arms and legs, resting their hands in his. It was an awesome night, and the free beer kept flowing.

  Eventually, he pounded a beer and stood, feeling buzzed. “Gotta go see a man about a unicorn,” he told the girls.

  “One with a long, thick horn?” Holly teased.

  “I’ll let you see for yourself later,” he said.

  She swatted his ass. “Hurry back.”

  He fought his way through the crowd, shaking hands and giving high fives.

  The bathroom was mercifully muffled. He took care of business, enjoying the brief respite from the noise and attention, and then headed back out into the madness.

  Just outside the door, he was stopped by a big man with a black beard and a dead eye.

  “We have met before, you and I,” the man said, smiling. “Here. In this very place. You remember, yes?”

  “I remember,” Dan said. “You told me that the final stage was a death trap.”

  “Yes, I tried to warn you,” the man said. “But here we are, yes? You make me very sad.”

  “Yeah, well, I gotta go.”

  “My friend,” the man said, “do not be hasty. I am called Broadus, yes? I fight for the Sell-Swords.” He extended his hand.