Heartless

by Jennifer Sucevic

  Worry will eat away at me and I find myself zoning out in class, dwelling on what the future will bring. School has never been a challenge before, but it is now. Sometimes it feels like I’m drowning. And we’re only a month in! I’ve been kicking around the idea of withdrawing for the semester, but I’m conflicted. Part of me wants to push through the rest of this year so Dad can watch me walk across the stage and graduate from CU. If his disease progresses the way his doctors expect it to, he won’t be around for any other milestones and that thought makes me sick to my stomach.

  With my hand on the knob, I tentatively turn the handle and push the door open. “Hello?” I call out, pausing over the threshold as silence settles around me. I force myself to step inside and close the door. “Dad,” I holler, “are you home?”

  As I stand in the foyer, an avalanche of what ifs bury me alive.

  What if something happened to him during the night?

  What if there was an emergency?

  What if he’s at the hospital?

  My heart beats into overdrive, thudding painfully against my ribcage.

  “Dad?” I yell urgently, panic threading its way through my voice. With shaking fingers, I slide the phone from my back pocket, ready to call Brandi.

  “Skye?”

  All of the emotion that had been whirling through me collapses at the sound of my father’s voice.

  I glance up at the second-floor landing and find him leaning against the railing. Both hands are wrapped tightly around the black iron. I take quick stock of his appearance. His hair is mussed and he’s wearing his flannel robe.

  “Were you in bed?” It’s almost eleven. Not that it’s unheard of, but still…

  It’s not like him. And right now, any behavior out of the ordinary sets me on edge.

  “Yeah, I had a hard time sleeping last night.” He jerks his shoulders into a shrug. “This medicine really upsets my stomach.”

  “Did you tell the doctor? Is there anything they can give you to help with the nausea?”

  He drags a hand over his face. “I have an appointment tomorrow and we’ll talk about it then. I wanted to give this drug enough time to work.”

  It’s disturbing how drastically his appearance has changed in just a few days. There’s a haggardness to him that wasn’t there before. How is he supposed to fight cancer if he isn’t able to nourish his body?

  “Do you want me to run out and get you something? A protein shake or maybe a smoothie? A sandwich from the deli?”

  He grimaces and shakes his head as if he can’t abide the thought. “I don’t have much of an appetite.” When I stare silently, he tacks on, “Maybe later.”

  A feeling of helplessness fills me. “Where’s Brandi?” Should Dad really be left alone if he doesn’t feel good?

  “She’s out running a few errands. She’ll be back soon.”

  “I’ve got some time, Dad. Do you want to come downstairs and we can watch something on TV?”

  “You know what, kiddo, I think I’m going to lay down for a while. My eyes are burning.”

  “Okay.” I nod and try to hold back the flood of tears that prick my eyes. “Should I hang around until Brandi returns?”

  “Nah, you can head back to school. I’m sure you have a lot of work to do.”

  He’s right, I do. Homework and reading assignments have been piling up. But I’d much rather spend time with him than worry about school. By comparison, everything else in my life feels so much less important. Half the time, I don’t even want to bother with it.

  “You know,” I blurt out, “it’s not too late for me to withdraw for the semester. I have until next Friday to get a full refund.”

  Then I could help out more. After all, someone needs to prepare nutritious meals and it isn’t going to be Brandi. I don’t think she knows how to operate the stove. I’ve done my research and there are a ton of cookbooks out there for people who are battling cancer. If I had more time, I could prepare him healthy dishes that would help fight this disease from the inside. That’s what he needs.

  School can wait.

  Dad can’t.

  “Skye?”

  I blink and realize that he’s at the bottom of the stairs. “Yeah?”

  Sorrow fills his eyes and it nearly breaks my heart. “We’ve talked about this before. I don’t want you to take the semester off.”

  “I know but,” I shrug helplessly as my gaze skitters away, “there’s a lot going on. I could stay here at the house and help out.” At this point, I’ll do whatever it takes to make his life easier. Even if that means putting up with Brandi.

  “You know what I want?”

  I perk up. “What?” All he has to do is say the word, and it’ll be done.

  Dad reaches out and takes hold of my hand before giving it a squeeze. His fingers feel cool and clammy against mine. “For you to keep living your life.”

  Everything in me seizes, making it impossible to suck in a full breath. “But, Dad—”

  “That’s what I want,” he says, cutting me off. “Just like I want Brandi to keep living hers. We can’t let cancer stop everything. If it does, then this disease wins and I’m not about to let that happen.” He searches my eyes. “Got it?”

  I press my lips together and jerk my head into a nod. If I try to open my mouth, I’ll burst into tears and I don’t want to do that. He has enough to worry about without dealing with all of my emotions.

  He holds out his arms. “Come here, kiddo.”

  I fly into his embrace and bury my face against his chest. My arms band around him and I can’t help but feel there’s less of him to hold on to. It’s as if he’s slowly slipping away from me a few pounds at a time. And I have no idea how to stop it from happening. I want to hold him tight and never let go, but I’m afraid it will hurt him. His body seems so fragile.

  He presses a kiss against the top of my head. “I love you, Skye. And I’m proud of the woman you’ve become. I want you to keep working toward your dreams. That’s the best gift you can give me.”

  “I will.” It takes all of my self-control to keep my voice from wobbling with the thick emotion that is welling up inside me. “And I love you too, Dad.”

  After a few minutes, he clears his throat. “Maybe I’ll have you run out for a smoothie after all. Do you mind?”

  I shake my head. “Not at all. Peanut butter banana?”

  His lips stretch into a thin smile. “Yeah, that sounds good.”

  “Okay. I’ll be back in a few.”

  “I’ll be waiting.”

  For today, but what about tomorrow? Or a week from now? How about six months down the road? Will he still be here waiting?

  At some point, Dad won’t be.

  And that thought terrifies me.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Skye

  “ You were right, this was a great idea.” Lanie kicks off her sandals and stretches out beside me on the rolling green lawn in the middle of campus.

  I smile and pull our sandwiches from the brown paper bag. Lanie ordered ham and swiss minus the mayo. Believe it or not, she doesn’t like mayonnaise. She’s lucky I still consider her a friend. I have an Italian, loaded down with salami, prosciutto, and provolone. The deli at the Union has the best subs. It only takes a few moments before the wrappers are off and we’re digging into our lunch.

  Lanie keeps up a steady stream of conversation as we plow our way through the hoagies. There’s a gentle October breeze that wafts over us. Everyone seems to have the same idea this afternoon. People are tossing around Frisbees and footballs. Some are laying in the grass and studying. Or, like us, they’ve opted to bring lunch outside and are sitting in small groups.

  Maybe after my last class this afternoon, I’ll come back and study here instead of at the library or townhouse. There’s something about feeling the warm sunshine stroking over your bare skin.

  I’m doing my best to stay on top of classes, but no matter how hard I try, it feels like I’m constantly fallin
g behind. As soon as I make a bit of headway, there’s an avalanche of assignments and reading that leaves me buried beneath it.

  Hunter and I settled on the topic of vaccinations for our health project. I’m in the beginning stages of gathering information on diseases, along with the statistics and occurrences in different populations. It’s definitely interesting and I’m glad we chose it. The problem is that I’m constantly playing catch up with my other classes, so I haven’t been working on it as much as I should. If I don’t carve out time soon, I’ll be up shit creek at the end of the semester when it’s due.

  Statistics has gone from bad to worse. The concepts are challenging, and I usually end up in the math tutor lab a few times a week. Even if I wanted to ask Josh for help—which I don’t—he’s keeping me at arm’s length. It doesn’t matter how many times I’ve insisted that Hunter and I aren’t involved.

  Except…that’s no longer true.

  Ugh.

  I shake my head, trying to loosen thoughts of him from my mind. Instead of enjoying my lunch with Lanie, I’m dwelling on my ex. I force my gaze to coast over the crowd. Almost immediately it lands on his dark head. It’s as if my thoughts have conjured him up. And just like that, my appetite disappears.

  With a sigh, I lay the sub on its red and white checkered wrapper before wiping my hands on a napkin. As much as watching him hurts, looking away is impossible. It’s like I’m trying to inflict as much damage onto myself as I can.

  This is going to sound terrible, but Hunter is the only thing that distracts me from Dad’s situation. When we fuck, I’m able to forget about what cancer will eventually steal from me. As painful as those encounters end up being and the self-loathing I feel afterward, I need that mental break.

  Trust me, I’m aware of how messed up the situation is.

  Most of Hunter’s fan club is comprised of girls who hang on his every word. It’s like he’s preaching the gospel over there. He flashes a smile at a tall blonde with big boobs. In response, she trails her fingertips over his bicep and gives him a flirty look.

  It’s enough to have the bile rising in my throat.

  Look away! Don’t do this to yourself.

  Instead of listening to my inner voice, my gaze stays locked on him. If I force myself to watch long enough, will the feelings I have for Hunter shrivel up and die?

  So far, that has yet to happen.

  “Skye?”

  Lanie’s voice cuts through my thoughts and it’s what finally yanks my distracted attention away from Hunter. A strange concoction of regret and relief fill me. “Hmmm?”

  Concern is etched across her face as she points to my half-eaten sandwich. “I thought you were starving?”

  I shrug, refusing to acknowledge what killed my appetite. “Guess I wasn’t as hungry as I thought.”

  Lanie glances over her shoulder. Her expression darkens when she spots Hunter and his harem of dedicated fangirls. She grumbles something under her breath in Greek before softening her tone and turning back to me. “Maybe we should pack up and go somewhere else.”

  That probably would be for the best, but I’m not going to do it.

  Instead, I smooth out my features and paste a smile on my face. I’ve got bigger issues to worry about than Hunter Price. “No, it’s fine. Let’s finish up our lunch and enjoy the sunshine.”

  Her gaze falls to her lap before she skewers me with it. My guess is that I’m about to get a dose of tough love.

  “You need to stop sleeping with him, Skye.”

  And there it is, the unvarnished truth, no holds barred.

  “I know,” I mumble. The pseudo-relationship I’ve gotten myself tangled up in isn’t a healthy one.

  Also…full disclosure sucks.

  Of course I shouldn’t be sleeping with him. I don’t need Lanie to tell me that.

  The first time we had sex, I’d assumed it wouldn’t be happening again. Especially after the way he left without barely any acknowledgment at all. The only thing that would have made that episode worse is if he’d Venmo-ed me money afterward.

  But that hasn’t turned out to be the case. We’ve had sex half a dozen times. After the deed is done, it’s always the same. Hunter rolls from the bed without a word and leaves. Each time we hookup, a tiny part of me wonders if maybe we’ll break down the barrier that stands between us, but that has yet to occur.

  Maybe I’ve been a little slow on the uptake, but I’ve finally come to the realization that it isn’t going to happen.

  I’ve become the one thing I never thought I would be.

  A booty call.

  And Hunter has more than enough of those. That thought is almost enough to gut me. Not that I’ve asked, but my guess is that I’m not the only girl he’s sleeping with. The sub I’d been eating threatens to make an unexpected reappearance.

  “I’d like to march over there and chew his ass out for hurting you,” Lanie growls from where she lounges across from me. “He’s such a dumbass.”

  Hunter is many things, but a dumbass isn’t one of them. This is all on me. I did this.

  I shake my head and glance away. “He’s not forcing me to do anything I don’t want to.” And that’s the sad truth of it.

  She gives me a hard look that says—bitch, please…

  Then she hits me where it counts. “I know you still love him, but can’t you see he’s using that against you? He deserves a good dick punch. One that will leave him singing soprano for the rest of his life.”

  Even though there’s nothing amusing about this situation, the corners of my lips tremble at the image. Maybe Hunter deserves that, but someone needs to slap some sense into me as well for continuing to allow him inside my body.

  “You can’t keep doing this,” she says.

  Lanie’s right, I can’t.

  But am I strong enough to walk away?

  To finally say goodbye?

  I don’t know, but I’m going to have to find out.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Hunter

  “C atch you on the field, Price,” Sam says, giving me a fist bump as we part ways.

  I quickly jog up the wide stone steps of Hastings Hall before finding the room for health. My body goes on high alert the moment I stroll through the door. Without glancing around, I already know Skye has beaten me here. The tiny hairs at the back of my neck rise.

  It sucks to be so attuned to her presence.

  As I slide onto my seat, I resist the temptation to turn around and look her way. Instead, I pull out my book and notepad. Then I sit back and tap my fingers on my desk and wonder when Bennet is going to begin class. I glance at the clock on the wall and the chick next to me smiles. I should be all over that, but the truth of the matter is that I have zero interest. Skye is the only girl I want.

  One hundred and sixty-two seconds is exactly how long I’m able to resist the urge before swiveling in her direction. I can’t not look at her. She’s like a fucking drug pumping through my system. How the hell do you evict someone from your head when you weren’t even aware they’d been hiding out there for years?

  If I knew the answer to that, I wouldn’t be in this damn mess.

  Here’s what I do know—fucking her hasn’t helped one damn bit. If anything, that plan has backfired spectacularly. Instead of getting my fill of that girl and losing interest, I want her more than ever.

  How’s that for a kick in the balls?

  The moment she fills my line of sight, everything in me loosens and I sit back and drink in everything about her. Her blond hair has been swept up into a messy bun at the top of her head. My fingers itch to tunnel through her long strands. God, but I love her hair. It’s sexy as hell. Her gaze stays focused on the desk in front of her. If it weren’t for the slight trembling of her hands, I’d assume my presence had no effect on her.

  There’s something intensely gratifying about that.

  My gaze roves carefully over her face. Sorrow lurks in her green eyes. I’ll admit there have been times when
I’ve been tempted to ask what’s going on, but I don’t.

  Are you kidding me?

  Of course I don’t.

  As soon as the urge strikes, I force myself to leave. For my own self-preservation, I can’t afford to get emotionally entangled with Skye again. Hell, I shouldn’t be sleeping with her. All I’ve done is jack myself up inside. Instead of being focused on football, I’ve got Skye on the brain.

  My eyes shift to Jaxon. The strain between us has bled onto the field. As soon as our gazes collide, his expression turns stony. It really chafes my balls that he’s taken Skye’s side in all this. It goes to show you just how pussy whipped the guy is. We’re teammates. He should have my back no questions asked.

  The guy needs to mind his own fucking business and stay out of mine.

  With one final glance at Skye, I turn on my seat as Dr. Bennet gets class underway. This is one course I’m not concerned about. Even with a twenty-page paper, it’s more of a blow off. I can crank that shit out in my sleep. When Bennet starts to drone, I tune her out and my mind gravitates to Skye. I daydream about the last time we were together and how good it felt to slide into her tight heat. One thought of her pussy and my cock is straining against my shorts.

  Fuck.

  Without realizing it, I’ve fallen into the trap of our past. I’ve never had anyone consume me the way she does. The time I spent with Skye was Mason’s biggest gripe when we were together. He wanted me one hundred percent focused on football and my future, not some damn girl. My brother and I have always been close. Even before Mom and Dad died, we were best friends. But their passing has only made us tighter.

  Without Mason and all of the sacrifices he’s made for me, it’s doubtful I would be poised for the NFL. I owe him everything. He’s pushed me when I didn’t think I had anything else left to give. And it was him who picked me up after Skye dumped my ass.

  Which is precisely why I’ve kept my trap shut where she’s concerned. I can’t even imagine his reaction if I told him that we were hooking up. Actually, that’s not true. He’d go ballistic. I don’t need my older brother to tell me when I’m screwing up. I’m fully aware of the situation. If I were smart, I’d end things with Skye. It’s not like this is a real relationship. It’s fucking, pure and simple. Emotions aren’t involved.