Better Off Divorced

by Marianne Hansen

  “He’s going to medical school.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “At a different university than me.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “Out of state.”

  “Aye, there's the rub,” I said.

  “Exactly.”

  “And this is a problem because…”

  “How do we get married and go to different schools?”

  “Have you applied to each other's school?”

  “Mine doesn’t have a medical school and his doesn’t have a great English program. The program I’m looking at has a teaching element, so I’ll be better at teaching at colleges and not just a scholastic professor. I want to be good at both.”

  “Remind me what you want to do when you grow up.”

  “I want to continue with a PhD; work at a university and publish; and wear a black gown with bands on the sleeve at graduations.”

  “That sounds like a good goal.” It also sounded like years away, but I didn’t say that.

  Simon’s alarm went off. I looked over and knew it was time to start getting everyone up and ready. I’d wanted to sleep instead of helping Rebecca, and now I wanted to help Rebecca instead of dealing with sleepy teens.

  “This is what we’re going to do. You are going to come over to my house tonight and we are going to go to Costco and buy salad ingredients. And then, we are going to the Dollar Store and buy some large, plastic bowls to put it in. While we cut up tomatoes and cucumbers, you’re going to tell me all about your Master’s possible Doctorate programs. Does that work?”

  It didn’t matter whether it did or not. That was the only option I had to give her. I kept this to myself though. She seemed too fragile for the truth.

  “That sounds good,” she agreed, and I slid back down into bed.

  “Wonderful,” I said. “I’ll see you tonight.” I hung up and turned toward Simon. “I’ll pay you a million dollars if you go make sure Tyler and Paul are up and smiling.”

  Simon didn’t move.

  “Two million.”

  He moved his face, so he was looking at me. “You’re a teacher. Where are you going to get that kind of money?”

  “I’m marrying a Sugar Daddy.”

  “You are? Does he know you're marrying him for his money?”

  I snuggled in to him. “I told him I wouldn’t marry him unless my ring was at least one karat.”

  “You think he took the hint from that?”

  “He’s a smart man. I think he’s figured it out.”

  He pushed me over onto my back and leaned up on his elbows. “What would it mean if it was over a karat?”

  I looked at the bedside table where I’d put the ring. “It is?”

  He placed his hand under my chin and made me face him. “I won’t tell you how to handle a Sugar Daddy, but if you’re going to demand he buy you a certain sized diamond, you should know how big that actually is.”

  “You shouldn’t have,” I said. “Seriously. We should return it.”

  He kissed me then rolled over to slide out of bed. “You’re seriously bad at having a Sugar Daddy.”

  I got up and stared at the ring. I hadn’t told him I’d wanted a large ring. I’d told him I didn’t need a diamond at all when we started talking marriage. I’d had the diamond from John’s ring put into a different setting that fit on my index finger. I only wore it if I thought it would be ironic. Rings are rarely ironic.

  “I’m not big into jewelry.”

  He stood next to me and looked down at the ring with me. “Do you like it?”

  “I love it.”

  “There you go.” He walked toward the bathroom.

  I turned to him. “Are you sure?”

  He stopped at the door. “One thing you should know about Sugar Daddies: We're really shallow. If it makes you happy then we’re happy.”

  I put the ring on my finger. It was gorgeous, and so much better than the ring I wore to be ironic. Simon was everything John wasn't, and I told myself I deserved all the happiness I felt. It would be better for the boys. Family was one thing, but John had given that up. I hadn’t. I knew that. It made no sense that I kept hearing him tell me only he could bring that feeling of family to James. It would be a miserable family. I knew that. Simon and I enjoyed spending time together. John had acted like it was a chore to do anything with me, especially at the end. I would write down two positives of our marriage every day to try to focus on the fact he came home from work and watched TV every night. Books I read said I should watch TV with him. I tried but there was only so much golf one person can take. How are there so many golf tournaments all over the world at all hours of the day?

  He told me I didn’t like the things he liked, but Trudy did. She loved golf, and it was just easy and natural with her. I screamed that he hadn’t tried to do a single thing that I enjoyed the whole time we were married. He told me that we had a lot in common in the beginning, but he had grown away from me and toward Trudy. I thought he’d grown into a moron. Or maybe I had because I tried to fight for him. No. I had fought for our family. And now John was throwing it back in my face.

  8

  The day went by slowly. I’d worn my traditional teacher chunky brown heels with tan pants and a navy blouse. With my hair up, I looked like a cliché. I taught my classes and yelled at the same kids I yelled at every day. I corrected homework in every class, and collected papers that were due in my two senior classes. I was no longer caught up with my grading. Simon didn’t come by for lunch because of a meeting at the bank. I wondered if he’d keep coming by for lunch after we were married. He’d been doing it for over a year, so I decided the odds were good.

  When school was finished, I set everything up for the substitute for the next day. I was able to request my favorite substitute, so I arranged for my students to do actual work. The only good thing to come from the reunion was that I got Friday off, and it didn’t count as a vacation or sick day. When I thought about spending the day at the Mayflower Plantation with students I probably wouldn’t remember, I became jealous of my sub. I wasn’t sure if being a tour guide would be a day off. I played “A Little Respect” by Erasure on my iPhone and sang along. None of my students knew who Erasure was, but that tune is peppy. Shakespeare’s tragedies would’ve been completely different if he'd known “A Little Respect.”

  I was on my third sing-through by the time I got to the track field, and I was feeling better. I did a side step shuffle while watching Tyler jump hurdles. Searching for Paul, I walked around to where the coach was standing. In a few minutes, I located Paul on the opposite side of the field, stretching. I waved to him. He looked up then made a nodding motion with his head for me to look behind me. In the few seconds it took me to turn my head, I hoped he wanted me to see some girl he liked, or that Andy Bell was behind me waiting to join me in the chorus. But I could tell from Paul’s face that John was there. I stopped singing, stiffened my back, and turned around. He smiled brightly at me and waved. Once again, I wondered how I could’ve fallen for him.

  I walked up the stands to him and sat down.

  “Why are you here?” I asked.

  “Have you thought about what I said?”

  I turned and watched Tyler. The sun was bright, and I had to squint to see him. He ran with his knees high, preparing to run hurdles again. “About what?”

  I could feel John's eyes on me. “Very funny.”

  I angled my body toward him. I glanced at him for a few seconds and then shifted back so that my body faced forward. I put my hand up to shade my eyes. “I haven't actually.”

  He chuckled. “Yes, you did. You always asked how I could leave our family. You rarely said anything about you. It was always how I had done it to our family.” He emphasized the word ‘family.’

  “And you’re throwing my words back at me.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. I needed to get James, pick up Rebecca and go to Costco. Then I needed to make an actual ton of salad. Maybe I could just open twenty-five ready-made b
ags. Anything sounded better than sitting here one more minute.

  “James had a great time at my place last night. I think we should give being a family a try. It would be easier than going back to court.”

  I grabbed the back of the bleacher I was sitting on so that I wouldn’t leap up and start kicking him. I turned my head and stared at him for a moment. Then I took a deep breath and slowly let it out. I did that until I could let go of the bleacher.

  “I realize that I’m going to be seeing you around for the rest of my life, because I’ve been seeing you around since I met you. I’ve been seeing you around even when I tried as hard as possible to never see you again. We have three amazing boys together, and I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I would, however, trade their dad. I have made them a home. You have never been able to make a home with anyone. You didn’t even try with me. You couldn’t with Trudy because she’s a trollop and has no moral scruples. Come to think of it, neither do you. You’re a jackass.”

  “You married me.” He looked smug.

  I stood up and walked down the bleachers towards the coach. I could hear John's arrogant laugh follow me down. I waved Paul over.

  “I have to go so you have to stay today,” I said.

  “I need a pocket-sized Shakespeare insult guide pronto if you want me to stop swearing whenever I see John.”

  “I’ll make you one the minute this reunion is finished.”

  Paul glared up at the bleachers. “Doesn’t he have a job?”

  “I’m assuming he does because of all that money he pays so you can wear the latest fashions and fads.” I put my hand on his shoulder. “You can't let him control what you do. If you really want to upset him, enjoy yourself whether or not he’s here. It’s like fourth grade when you didn’t think you had any friends, so you just did your own thing until other kids joined you.”

  “I don’t want him to join me.”

  “Well, do your own thing, and then stop right before other people join you.”

  He coughed a laugh. “That’s not funny.”

  I put my hand on his cheek. “Sure, it is.”

  He moved his head away. “You’re making me look like a sissy in front of the guys.”

  “It’s okay. They already know you’re a sissy.” I punched him in the shoulder, and I walked away.

  “That doesn’t help,” he called after me. “Hey, do I need to get James?”

  “I got him,” I yelled back. I looked up at John again. I cut across the grass toward the parking lot. I hadn’t been able to count on him to help much when we were married, but I had reached the point where he didn't come to my mind much anymore. Now, I couldn’t count on him without it being thrown in my face in the future. He wanted to recreate a family. I shivered. I never wanted that family again.

  9

  I picked James up from his after-school program, and then picked up Rebecca. She was wearing a peasant skirt and a white cutlet blouse. I glanced down at my oversized, blue shirt I’d got from TJ Maxx and my khakis from Target. I wished I could dress more bohemian. I wished I could be more bohemian. I would probably need her long blond hair to complete the look she had, though. I hated admitting to myself I was jealous of her. I had never been as graceful as Rebecca, even in college. I felt wide. Not fat or ugly; just wide. If I weren’t careful, I’d develop athazagoraphobia, or the fear of being ignored, next to her.

  Once we entered Costco, James left us to scope out the samples. They would be closing soon and he wanted to make sure he didn't miss out on any chicken nuggets.

  Rebecca looked at me out of the corner of her eye. While pushing directly to the produce, I asked, “What?”

  “I’m unsure about the etiquette of our relationship, but would you mind if I bought a few things while we were here? It's hard to pass up a month’s worth of toilet paper and laundry detergent.”

  I shrugged. “Go wild.” Then I looked at her again. “Don’t you ever tag along with someone on a Costco trip? I seem to remember tagging along to stores in school. But maybe that wasn't to Costco.”

  She smiled. “I’m an only child, and I spend almost all of my free time with my boyfriend. We eat out a lot.”

  “I don't see how you don't have access to a Costco card in this day and age with all these modern technical inventions.”

  “I guess I didn't realize how important bulk shopping was.”

  I let out a grunt as I pushed the large cart forward. “Yeah, well, I live in a small little bubble where I assume everyone is like me. I think I have agoraphobia.”

  Her eyes widened and she took a step back. “What’s that?”

  “Afraid of being out of my comfort zone. But that doesn’t seem right. I’m okay with being out of my comfort zone. Actually, I would just prefer everyone to be in my comfort zone with me. That's all.” I pushed the cart to the back of the warehouse.

  “Maybe you’re afraid of strangers.”

  “Xenophobia,” I said as I stopped in the cooler by the lettuce.

  We bought lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes, toilet paper, laundry soap, and a cardboard palette of Diet Coke. James begged for a large cup of frozen yogurt, and I told him he could have one, so long as he had a piece of pizza, too. After he was holding both in his hands, I realized that by trying to make sure my son had dinner before he ate way too much sugar, I’d given him more sugar. And grease.

  I turned to Rebecca. “This may not be my finest parenting hour. I think I’ve just reduced my son’s life by a week with that food.”

  Rebecca was staring at the menu. “Do you need a membership to eat here? Because I could eat for a whole week for less than fifteen dollars.”

  “But you’d also need great insurance to pay for your medical bills. And I know graduate students don’t get that kind of coverage.”

  We walked out to the car and did our best to fit everything into the trunk. James shared the back seat with a bag of lettuce while alternating between eating ice cream and pizza. He ignored us in the front.

  I pulled the car out of the parking lot. With James being so quiet, an awkward silence fell between Rebecca and me. I hadn’t had many personal conversations with her. “What is the name of the guy you’re dating who doesn’t have a Costco card but somehow still got accepted into medical school?”

  “Aidan Carr.”

  “And how long have you known him?”

  She twisted her hair around her finger. “Two and a half years. Well, maybe three. I think three. We met in a basic physics class. I needed it for General Ed, and he needed it because he hadn’t taken physics in high school. He wanted to test out, but there was a glitch. Someone was absent one day when they should’ve told the other person something, and he ended up not taking the test and being in my class.”

  I looked at James in the rearview mirror. His eating was slowing down. “That sounds like it was meant to be.”

  She rearranged herself in her seat. “We ended up sitting next to each other. He thought I was an idiot Humanities snob and I thought he was a stupid science geek. It took a few weeks for us to have an actual conversation. Then it turned out we had a lot in common. We studied together... I invited him to a couple international films... he invited me to a robot war.”

  “That sounds like an interesting combo.” We had ten minutes left to get to my house, and I hoped she would fill it with conversation. I kept flashing back to this afternoon with John and imagining him tumbling down the bleachers. I would rather think about Rebecca and Aidan instead.

  She pulled on her seatbelt and loosened it a little. “We actually do have a lot of fun. We get along really well.”

  “That’s a lot of adverbs.”

  She cleared her throat and fake-laughed a little. “It’s true. We get along great.” She said ‘great’ louder than any of the other words.

  “Why are you sounding like an ad?”

  She folded her hands together, saw what she was doing and let out a sigh. “I’m just nervous. I keep going through the pros and cons of
our relationship and the feminist viewpoint on life.”

  “There’s only one?”

  “I feel like if I get married I’m letting down all of the women who’ve gone before me to fight for my right to go to college and graduate school and achieve my dreams.”

  “Have you applied to his school?” I wondered if I could solve all the world’s problems within the next mile or two. I looked out the window at the trees. The buds were mostly fallen off the trees now and the green leaves were fully-grown. Soon grasshoppers and insects would make constant noise. Being surrounded by green always gave me an optimistic feeling. “I bet you could get in.”

  She shook her head. “Like I said, it’s not as good. Plus, I’ve always dreamed of going to California, and he wants to go to school here.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t think he thought about anywhere else. His family came over on the Mayflower—or around then—and it’s just always been his family's thing to be in New England.”

  “Have you asked him to go to school out west? You don’t have to stay there the rest of your life.”

  “Maybe.” She dragged the word out slowly. I had a feeling there was more to this story, but we pulled up to my garage. James ran inside with his leftovers to show his brothers that I spoiled him more than them.

  Rebecca and I grabbed the food and walked into my kitchen. Simon was standing in front of the sink washing his hands. He looked over, smiled at me, and then flicked me with water. I pretended to be offended and turned around to put the food on the table instead of the counter. I went into my bedroom to take off my shoes when I realized I’d forgotten something.

  I walked up behind Simon and put my arms around him. “Hey there, sugar bear,” I purred into his ear.

  He finished wiping his hands and put down the towel. “What do you want?”

  I let go of his waist. “How do you always know?”

  “You need to be less obvious with your pet names. I have zero resemblance to a sugar bear.”

  “You have blond hair and I’m pretty sure a sugar bear would too.” He stared at me. “I forgot to get disposable containers for the salad.”