Better Off Divorced

by Marianne Hansen

  “And you were wondering if I could go get them?” he asked.

  I tried to pout while I nodded. He laughed, gave me a hug, and kissed me. “It’s a really good thing I have an immense sense of self.”

  “Because otherwise you'd be putty in my hands?” I asked, still in his arms.

  “No.” He kissed me again, picked up his keys and headed for the door. “Text me if you think of anything else.”

  “Plastic tongs,” I yelled. He waved to acknowledge he heard me.

  I was still smiling when I turned back to Rebecca. She picked up a bag of lettuce and brought it over to the sink to rinse it off. I grabbed my two largest bowls, a cutting board, and a knife.

  Rebecca clapped her hands. “Let’s do this.” She turned the water on. “How did you two meet?” She pulled apart the lettuce and started washing it.

  I rinsed off the tomatoes above her lettuce and took them over to the counter.

  “It’s sad and pathetic.” I started to dice the tomatoes and put them in one of the large bowls. “He works for a bank.”

  “I saw his BMW when we pulled up. I’m guessing he’s not a teller.”

  The tomato I was cutting was too ripe and tomato juice leaked down the counter. I paused and decided to clean everything up at the end. “He loves cars, but he is a bit higher up in the ranks.”

  “Do you not want to tell me? Is it embarrassing?” Asked Rebecca. “Did you steal him away from another woman and now you feel guilty?”

  This last comment hit too close to home and I said “no” a little too firmly. Rebecca took a step away from me.

  “Sorry. Sometimes I can’t cut food and talk at the same time.” I leaned against the counter. “I walked into the bank to get refinancing so I could keep this house. I have an ex-husband who is the quintessential scumbag, and when he left me, he wanted to make sure he left a mess in his wake. For reasons I can’t even fathom, he didn’t want me to keep this house. It was the only home his kids had ever known, and he wanted to pull the rug out right from under them. I can understand him wanting to be mean and pigheaded with me, but I still don’t get him wanting to hurt my chances of keeping the house.”

  I turned back to the tomatoes. “Anyhoo. I walked into the bank to refinance because the loan I’d taken out to pay the backstabbing leech his half was too hard to pay. The first person I saw was Simon. He was sitting at the loan desk, so I sat down in front of him and asked him about refinancing. He asked me if I wanted a personal loan from him. I didn’t catch on and I said yes. He then told me I’d have to take him to dinner first. The loan officer whose desk he was at came back, and Simon told him he’d handle my paperwork.” I took a deep breath and let it out. “I was incredibly lucky that day. If I hadn’t sat down in front of Simon and he hadn’t thought I had nice legs, I’m not sure I’d still be living in this house.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I’d overreached with the loan. Family had helped initially, and they had given me inflated hope. To top it all off, I didn’t have great credit. For some stupid reason, John had purchased almost everything in his own name, and I hadn’t fought it. He’d built up amazing credit and I’d plateaued. Fortunately, the judge granted me basically half of everything. Whatever you do in your future, make sure your name is on everything of value in your life. And make sure you keep a nest egg somewhere for a rainy day. Or lawyer fees.”

  Rebecca finished washing half the lettuce. “What do you want me to put the broken up lettuce into?”

  I handed her the other large bowl. “We’ll add the tomatoes later.”

  “Does John make a lot more money than you?”

  I hated this subject. Of all the topics of conversation in the world, this was the worst one. It made me feel like an idiot. “I stayed home with the kids.”

  “You did? Why?”

  I stopped cutting for fear I’d cut my finger off and switched to washing cucumbers. “I felt secure in my marriage, and I thought it was best for the kids. To be honest, I still think it’s best for kids to have a stay-at-home parent, but I’ve been wondering if it’s a good idea for the parent.”

  Rebecca continued to break up the lettuce. “What do you mean?”

  “I only have a couple of friends who’ve stayed married to their original spouse. Marriages seem so fluid these days. When things get tough, people give up and move on. John didn’t think I was what he wanted anymore and so he looked elsewhere. I didn’t compliment him enough or something. I was dealing with potty training, and he wanted me to tell him he was a big, strong man. Well, big, strong men change their sons’ diapers.”

  Rebecca stopped and looked at me. “He didn’t change diapers? Is that acceptable anymore? I didn't realize men still thought that was an option.”

  I shrugged and wiped my forehead with my elbow. “He thought I was in charge of all of that because I stayed home. I should’ve seen all the warning signs with Paul, but I didn’t.”

  “I thought your ex is John.”

  “Paul’s my oldest son. After he was born John would come home and expect dinner to be ready. Somewhere along the line, he decided we were living in the 1950’s. I did refuse to wear pearls, though.”

  “Why did you stay with him?” She went back to ripping lettuce into small pieces. “I don't think I would’ve stayed with him.”

  “That’s easy to say when you’re not in the situation.” I decided that maybe cutting cucumbers would be a nice, sharp task to get my anger out. “Part of me wondered if he was right. I did stay home all day. I know Paul is his son as well, but I wasn’t going to sit there and let my son be neglected because his father wouldn’t step up. Pretty soon I was doing everything, and I didn’t even realize it. I would go out and do things on my own, but I always made sure everything was ready for John. I made it too easy for him. I also think I was so worried I wasn’t a good mom that I tried to do more.”

  “And he had an affair?”

  “More than one.”

  “You stayed after the first one?” She washed more lettuce and kept ripping leaves apart. I wondered if I should do that job instead. It looked therapeutic.

  “I didn’t find out about the first one until the second one. And she was the one to tell me.”

  “What a piece of work.”

  “You have no idea.”

  “How did John meet her?”

  “He worked with her husband.”

  “Seriously?”

  I looked down at the cucumbers and saw that I’d cut them into very irregular shapes. I decided to dice them, so it was less noticeable. My right arm was going to ache tomorrow. “Do you really want to hear all of this?”

  Rebecca nodded. Her blond ponytail bobbed. “I feel like I don’t know what to do with my own life. It helps to hear what you did with yours.”

  “I’m a good lesson on what not to do.”

  “But he really had an affair with his friend’s wife?”

  I grabbed two more cucumbers and mutilated them. “All four of us were great friends. We had game nights and went camping together. We went on a few vacations together as well. I thought Cleo and Trudy were great. Trudy and I could talk about how stupid our husbands’ jobs were and they could bond over how stupid we were.”

  “How did John and Trudy get together?”

  Once again, I looked at my poor cutting job and confirmed that all of the cucumbers would be diced. “They said they turned to each other when they were both getting divorces. John used to tell me that they were just friends when he asked me for a divorce. I’m sure he wanted the judge to be nicer to him by lying to me. I started digging around and found two hotel receipts. I know they were sleeping together at least six months before we divorced.”

  Rebecca stopped ripping up lettuce. “How did she explain herself?”

  I kept chopping. “She didn’t. I thought something was going on, and I didn’t like hanging out with them anymore. It’s hard when they’re your best friends. I knew we had problems, but I didn’t reali
ze John would turn to Trudy. I was an idiot. Plain and simple. That’s my advice for the future. Don’t be an idiot."

  Rebecca turned back to the lettuce. Her peasant skirt flowed as she moved. “I’ll make a note.” I wondered if she’d need to worry. She was graceful and willowy. Intellectually, I knew it didn’t matter, but at times, I still questioned if this would have happened to me had I been thinner or prettier.

  “I guess that’s the problem with life. Hindsight is always twenty-twenty. That’s why it's a cliché”

  “What would you do differently?”

  I couldn’t answer that one easily. I looked at the bag of cucumbers. My bowl was half full, but there were still a lot of cucumbers. I regretted my idea of making the salad by hand. I wondered where Paul and Tyler were. I had a feeling Paul was taking a long way home.

  “I don’t think I can answer that. I wouldn’t have married a guy who cheated on me, but how can you tell? Back when we were in college and in love, I never would’ve guessed John would do that. Affairs seem more common place now than they did then. And I don't know if I would've stayed home.”

  “Why not?”

  “When John decided he couldn’t live with me anymore because he was madly in love with Trudy and she was the love of his life, I hadn’t worked for years and my degree was in English. I had to hurry and get a teaching certificate. I didn’t have a lot of money, and I wanted to stay in this house. Staying home had put me at a severe disadvantage. Was it the right thing to do?”

  “Studies say it’s best for kids if a parent can stay home.”

  “Studies also show that it's best if kids grow up with both their parents.”

  “How long did it take for you to get back on your feet?”

  I thought about this one briefly. “I don’t know if I have. But after a year, I had a teaching certificate and then you were my first class. Grading senior essays keeps your mind off yourself.”

  Rebecca shook her head. “I don’t know how you did it. How did you keep your house? You met Simon when you got a loan a few years ago.”

  “Family, mostly. Emotionally and financially. But my parents needed the money back, so I had to refinance. Although as an educator, I feel I should stipulate you shouldn’t feel the need to date your loan officer.”

  “But he isn’t a loan officer, is he? So you're safe.”

  Paul and Tyler walked in through the garage door. Paul had on a blue Nike shirt today and Tyler’s shirt had Pac-Man eating the Statue of Liberty. They looked at us and the food still left to be cut and tried to back out.

  “Stop,” I yelled. “Wash your hands and start chopping.”

  “I have homework,” Paul said.

  “I need to shower,” Tyler said.

  “I get an hour.” I opened the drawer by my knees and took out two more cutting boards.

  They walked over to the sink and washed their hands. Paul looked over and saw Rebecca. He stood taller and cleared his throat. She smiled at him, and he stood even taller somehow.

  “This is Rebecca,” I said. “She’s the one I’m helping with the reunion.”

  Tyler moved around the island and mumbled a greeting. Paul smiled at her and paid intense attention to the tomatoes. Maybe I’d get more than one hour’s worth of labor from him.

  10

  Simon came back with plenty of plastic bowls and tinfoil containers.

  “What did you pick up?” I nodded towards the nondescript white restaurant bag.

  “Salad.”

  I hit his arm with my elbow and went to the sink to wash my hands. “You have no idea how unfunny that is. I’m going to have nightmares about lettuce tonight. Or Carol Burnett dressed as the lone asparagus.”

  Tyler looked over at me as he sat down at the table. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “It’s a classic Muppets episode.” I grabbed a towel before I got water on my shirt. “I worry about today’s generation.”

  “Isn’t it your fault we don’t know what you're talking about?” Paul took out a tinfoil box and opened it. He sat down and began eating its contents.

  “Shouldn’t you be sharing that?” I asked Paul, though I looked over at Simon.

  “I got everyone a burrito dinner,” Simon said. “That way everyone gets the same amount, and no one has to share.” I smiled at him. Only James had a problem with sharing. He wanted to take as much food as his older brothers, but he couldn’t eat anywhere near as much as they could. He had a hard time being so much younger sometimes. He’d made himself sick only once by eating too much, but he still took more than he should. I hated it, and I’d started dishing out everyone’s food. Simon’s solution tonight allowed James’s feelings to be saved, and if he didn’t finish, one of his brother’s would. Raising kids was such a balance between knowing when to be firm and when to give a few inches.

  I sat next to Simon, and Rebecca sat on the other side of him. “Did you really give Grace a loan because you thought she was cute?” Rebecca asked him.

  “I handled her refinancing because she was cute. If I’d given her a break, I’d have been fired.” Simon took a bite of his burrito. Cheese strung from his mouth to his plate. He tried to break the cheese string, but it just kept stretching longer. Rebecca and I watched while he struggled.

  “I’m glad to see you aren’t perfect,” Rebecca said.

  “He also snores,” I said. “And he wouldn't have been fired. He just couldn’t have lived with himself. He might not eat cheese well, but he does have extreme ethics.”

  “Are you living here after you get married?”

  James came running in. “Why wouldn’t we live here?” He turned to me. “Are we going somewhere? Dad said he might move back in here.”

  I took a deep breath as I tightened my grip on my fork. Simon squeezed my thigh and then left his hand there. I smiled at James. “Your dad isn’t moving into this house.” I turned to Rebecca. “To be honest, we haven’t made a definite decision, but we’re leaning towards staying here for a bit. Simon and I would like a new place, but Paul, Tyler, and James would like to stay here. And we can’t find another place we like in the area.”

  Rebecca cut a very neat piece of burrito and carefully ate it. She turned to Simon. “Do you have a house?”

  “I live in a condo. A typical bachelor pad. No knickknacks and everything is very angular. I don’t have many personal touches anywhere.”

  “Why not?”

  Simon shrugged. “I just never put in the effort. Before I met Grace, I spent most of my time at the office. And now I spend most of my time here. Grace is nervous I’ll want somewhere more mine, but I told her I’d add angular furniture and I’ll feel right at home.” He took another large bite.

  Rebecca accepted this answer, but the topic made me squirm. I knew Simon had his own life and friends, but I worried about not starting over for a new marriage. I wondered if he would resent the situation after a while. I kept telling myself we’d move to a new place within the next five years, but I wasn’t sure I’d be able to keep that promise.

  “I’m always going to live here,” James said. “This is where I was born, and this is where I’m going to die. I have a treehouse and treasure buried in the back yard.”

  “You have something buried where?” This was news to me.

  “I’m not telling.”

  “What is it?”

  James shook his head. “It’s a treasure and that’s all I can tell you.”

  “Is there a map?” Simon asked.

  James nodded. “Don’t worry. It’s perfectly safe and I’ll dig it up in fifteen years and it’ll be worth tons of money.”

  “It better not be anything of mine,” Paul said. “I haven’t been able to find my Apple gift card. Did you swipe it?”

  James looked down. He wouldn't look at Paul. “I didn’t bury a gift card.”

  Paul nodded and went back to eating. Tyler had focused on eating and now he was finished with his meal. “Does it matter what I drink?”
/>
  I shook my head.

  “Nothing special for the stupid reunion?” Tyler opened the fridge and took out the milk.

  “Nothing but a salad.”

  We stuck to small talk while the rest of us finished our meal. Simon had a few more cheese incidents but didn’t end up getting any on his clothes. It’s unfair: he’s a messy eater yet leaves no evidence. The boys left as soon as dinner was over so they couldn’t be dragged into helping anymore.

  With Simon’s help, it took us another hour to make all of the salad Rebecca thought we’d need for the next day. When I’d cut the last tomato, I had no idea if we would have enough food or not. It seemed like enough.

  Rebecca wanted to go through tomorrow’s itinerary and sat down at the kitchen table. Simon rubbed my back and kissed me behind the ear. I leaned back into him. “I have a feeling I’ll be up late tonight,” I said under my breath. “I don’t know if you want to stay here or go home.”

  He tightened his arms around me. “I think I’ll head into town if it’s all the same to you. I have to be back to the office earlier than normal.” I nodded. I understood but was still disappointed.

  Rebecca and I stayed up until midnight, going through all of the details for the next two days. We decided we should both wear black. She said she had a blue and gold scarf she could wear for the school colors. I didn’t have anything in those colors. As it was, I was going to have to wear the same black leggings I’d already worn earlier this week. Rebecca wanted us to look similar, but I knew she’d be wearing flowing, bohemian clothes, and I’d have on an oversized shirt and dirty leggings. Her hair would be pulled back in some cute style and I’d still have a straight, air dried hair. I didn’t think the two of us would look anything alike, but she thought we should at least try to look professional and together. I felt too old for all of this.

  The plan was to meet at the school and take buses to the Mayflower Plantation. I’d wanted to have everyone meet at the Plantation, but Rebecca had charged extra so they could ride together. Rebecca thought a bus ride would be a good homage to choir and band tours and away sport games. I told her I’d follow behind in my own car, so we’d be able to leave early to set up dinner. I’d spent my teaching career doing my best to stay away from bus duty, and I wasn’t going to change my policy now. I didn’t want Principal Bennett to see any holes in my defenses.