Finding Ava

by Jennifer Loren

  She turns abruptly taking my face into her hands. “Oh honey, if I had any other choice I would have never done it this way, but Ava was so sure you wouldn’t want her. I’m not sure why but she was sure and that was the only way she would let me stay in her life was if I promised not to tell you.”

  “You knew we would call, you knew I was listening and would hear her. You knew I would come here, didn’t you?”

  She smiles, “I knew as soon as you heard her voice you wouldn’t be able to stop yourself. Well I did not tell you but I was not about to keep her out of your life, so I had to think of something. If you would have only gotten back from filming sooner, you could have been here for her first Christmas. It takes time planning something so skillfully. And well I guess I should give Abbey some credit too”

  “Abbey knows?”

  “Yes, if it wasn’t for her I would have never been able to prepare before you and Ethan called me. She also might have called and told me your flight schedule too.” My mother winks with a smile.

  “Well now, Ethan thinks you have a boyfriend.”

  “He does, how silly.”

  I lean against the counter watching her with narrowing eyes, “you do have a boyfriend, don’t you?”

  “Sean, you should sit and eat.”

  “So who is he?” I asked sitting across from her.

  “He’s a doctor, he is in charge of the hospital where Lillah was born. He was very kind helping us keep it quiet, who she was and whose baby she was having.” I look down considering that latest news being released. “I didn’t want you to hear it that way.”

  “So he’s nice?”

  “He’s a gentleman.” She beams.

  “Well I can’t wait to meet him and thank him, of course.”

  “Well enough about me, isn’t she beautiful,” she said grasping my hand?

  “Lillah, yes, she is – very actually.”

  “What do you think about her?”

  “Mother you already know. She had me from the moment I looked at her and knew she was mine.”

  “Oh I wish you could have been there when she was born, it was something.”

  “You were there?” I asked with great interest.

  “Oh yes. I had to help Ava, she needed me, despite her protests to the contrary. Sean that girl is so strong and independent, fearless. You should have seen her eyes light up when they put Lillah in her arms. It was a beautiful sight. I was glad if you could not be there, at least I was for you. Oh I must show you these …” She hands me a book and I open it looking at pictures of Ava pregnant, more beautiful than ever. The last few, are pictures of her with Lillah, after she was born but I stop at one of Ava rocking Lillah to sleep and wearing the locket I sent to her for her birthday. I remove the picture unable to understand why.

  “I would have been here.” I whispered to the picture.

  “I know dear,” my mother said kissing me on the head.

  “When did you know she was pregnant?”

  “I knew something was not right but I didn’t know exactly what it was until I came to see her. She tried to hide it from me.”

  “She should know better than to hide anything from you.”

  She winks, causing me to laugh. “So I asked her and when she didn’t answer, I knew. I told her I was going to tell you. And the panic across her face was … it was like she was afraid of you or at least that’s what I thought at the time. Now I think it was more that she was afraid that the media would crucify her and Lillah. She was trying to protect Lillah. By keeping her a secret from you, she was able to keep it from everyone else.”

  “I would have protected them both.”

  “Sean all she knew was that you were leaving her behind and didn’t think enough of her to fight for her.” With a defensive posture, I start to protest but she halts me easily with a motion of her hand. “I know but that’s how she saw it, you didn’t tell her how you feel. What would you have thought? She thought she was just another girl to you.”

  How in the hell could she not realize how I feel about her? “Where is she?”

  “Spending the day with some friends. She should be home soon. She does not get out often, and since I knew you would be here today I thought it best if I talk to you first and allow you some time with your daughter.

  “Does she know I’m here?”

  “No, I told her that you didn’t hear her. You should have seen her face when I said your name and she realized you were on the phone. She froze, dropping everything, breaking a dish and spilling food everywhere. The dogs loved it but it was a mess. She was a bigger mess. It took me some time to get her to calm down. I made sure she went out tonight. She needed to shake off that ridiculous trance she has been in since hearing your name.”

  “What are you going to tell her?”

  “Tell her? Oh honey I am not going to tell her anything, you are.”

  “Me?” I asked not understanding her reasons for everything.

  “I am going to leave you here and let you two work it out. I have plans anyway.” She looks at her watch, “oh and I am going to be late if I don’t hurry.” Suddenly she gets up and begins gathering her things. “Darling will you clean this up when you’re done, I don’t want Ava to have to deal with anything more than necessary, she doesn’t get much sleep these days.” I nod while she kisses me on the forehead. “Good luck, and make sure you listen before you respond. Be patient with her,” she said with her motherly finger pointed in my direction.

  I clean up everything as asked, considering all that has happened and all that might. During my time alone, I make some decisions about my life and take out my phone making some necessary calls. My life is going to change dramatically and so is hers whether she likes it or not. I check on Lillah one more time before taking a seat facing the door and turning off most of the lights. I want to see her first, I want time to react properly, after of course, I enjoy seeing her again. I do not have to wait long before I hear her car. Watching the door closely as it unlocks and opens, she walks in sending my heart spinning towards her. She shuts the door and takes off her coat, shaking her hair out from being inside it. She is as beautiful as she is in my dreams and with my wide smile taking over my face, I am glad I allowed myself this moment. Refocusing and reminding myself of my anger, I lean down putting my elbows on my knees, watching and waiting.

  “Mary, I’m sorry I took so long I ….” She said turning and seeing me immediately.

  “Hello Ava,” I said as calmly as I can but with probably a little more anger than my mother would have liked for me to.

  She watches me carefully seeming unsure if she should move, I give her time to decide. “Sean?”

  “Yes. And please keep breathing. I don’t want you passing out on me right now.”

  She starts trembling, “why are you here?”

  I got up helping her to a seat, feeling the twinge of excitement in my veins as soon as I touch her. Damn she still makes me crazy. “Sit down, please.”

  “Sean, why are you here?”

  “I heard your voice when I was talking to my mother. I wanted to know why she was with you. I could not for the life of me figure out why she would be here. The project long done and built, there was no reason for her to be here. I just couldn’t understand. So I came here to see why.”

  “Lillah,” she whispered.

  “Yes. Lillah. She was to say, at the very least, a surprise for me.”

  “I’m sorry …”

  “What are you sorry for Ava? Are you sorry you never told me you were pregnant or because you never told me about my daughter?” I said continuing to watch her face carefully, as my anger starts to show through even more. “Or because I found out?”

  “I guess all that,” she said playing with her hands in her lap.

  “I don’t understand Ava, why wouldn’t you tell me?”

  “I know it wasn’t fair not to give you the option but I wasn’t sure what was best for her or you or me. It was all so much to take
and when I tried to tell you, you wanted to leave,” she said with a quivering lip. “You left, you didn’t even try to find another option to stay with me.”

  “I was trying to protect you.” I stressed.

  “Protecting me, by leaving me alone to face it by myself? Your protecting was you running away and I wasn’t sure if I would ever see you again.”

  “I thought the sooner I left you, then the sooner they would leave you alone. I did not intend on never seeing you again. It killed me to leave you!”

  “I had to change my number twelve times! That bastard called me over and over and the police couldn’t figure out how he was getting my new number. I finally gave up my phone entirely and used Kyle’s when I needed it,” she said trembling.

  “I had no idea, if I had I would have stopped it.”

  “How? From California … Ireland? How would you have stopped it Sean, you weren’t here to do anything? Hate me if you want but I did what I had to, I protected our daughter the best way I knew how, getting as far away from you as possible.”

  “So you are going to blame me forever? You wanted to keep my daughter from me to get even? Is that it Ava?” She doesn’t answer. “That’s it. You wanted to get even with me, punish me for something I did not even know anything about. You pushed me away Ava, I couldn’t help you if you wouldn’t talk to me.”

  “It wasn’t to get even. I saw how they treated me and I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to protect her and I wasn’t sure you would be around to do it yourself. I’m sorry, I did what I thought was best. When your mother showed up, I knew she would somehow let you know. As scary as that was, it was also a relief because then it wouldn’t be up to me to decide, to make ether the right or the wrong decision.”

  “Okay, well now I know and I am not going to let anything happen to her.”

  Her soft expression calms me, “you’ve seen her?”

  “Yes, Justin left her with me all-day.”

  “Justin told you?” She asked with alarm in her voice.

  Huffing I force a laugh, “sort of. He’s still a jackass by the way.” She looks at me surprised by my harsh words. “He made me spend time with her and figure it out myself. She has my eyes.”

  Ava smiles beautifully, “I thought I was being punished seeing you every day. But she is so wonderful, I couldn’t dare hate her for reminding me of you.”

  “I know, I fell in love with her instantly. She’s as beautiful as you are.”

  Ava instantly turns away from me, “she does have a way of melting your heart doesn’t she?”

  “She does despite her mother’s stubbornness.”

  “She has your temper though.” She says facing me with superiority.

  I furrow my eyebrows at her, “what temper?” With a satisfactory grin she walks away from me again, “what temper, Ava?”

  “Sean please, you know you have a temper especially if you don’t get your way, harmless but frustrating.”

  With a roll of my eyes and a huff, I stiffen, watching her laugh at me, “maybe sometimes.”

  “Wow you spent the entire day with her by yourself? I should go check on her.”

  “Sit back down, she’s fine. I have been helping with my nephew quite a bit lately. I know what I am doing.”

  “Are you sure?” She asks insultingly.

  “Yes, and now I guess I know why Abbey was so insistent on me learning how to change a diaper.” I said narrowing my eyes at her, causing her to laugh. “I’ve missed seeing you laugh.”

  Jumping up and nearly running away from me, “are you hungry or thirsty or something.”

  “No, I ate with Mom but a drink might be good.”

  I follow her closely into the kitchen, leaning in against the counter and gazing over her, while remembering every desiring softness. “So when exactly?” I asked as she hands me a glass of wine with a questioning expression. “Do you know about when Lillah was conceived?”

  “I think it goes without saying that it was your birthday. The shower would be my guess since that was one of the few times we didn’t over exaggerate the protection.”

  “Aaahhh the shower, that was a great night,” I said glancing back at her with a wink. Ava backs away with a hard gulp. “So when did you know?”

  “Soon after you got here. The fainting and being sick. Anna suggested it and with the dates, I assumed but I did not confirm it until after you left. I did try to tell you but you wouldn’t let me talk. You were so hung up on the media finding out about me, you weren’t hearing me at all.”

  “I was so worried about you. I thought you were being affected by what was going on, and all I could think to do was get away and take all the problems with me. I didn’t want to leave, I just didn’t think you could take much more. I was scared of what it might to do to you.”

  “I told you. Or rather I tried to tell you that I could handle it.”

  “How Ava? You aren’t used to the media and you don’t need that fucker interrupting your life anymore than he has.”

  “SEAN, listen to me. I could, I can handle it. I have been seeing a doctor that has helped me tremendously. You didn’t even notice that I didn’t have one nightmare while you were here.”

  “But Kyle and …”

  “All of you are all the same, you don’t listen to me. You are so hell-bent on protecting me, you did not stop to think how best to do that. And leaving me alone was not the best way.”

  Carefully moving behind her, I lean over her shoulder and whisper in her ear, “I’m sorry but I did miss you ... so much.” She smells so good and her skin is so soft, I cannot help let my mouth linger against her skin and pull her in close to my chest.

  Shockingly she pushes away from me, “I’m sorry, I didn’t miss you at all. I mean at first I did but after awhile it got easier.”

  With an assured approach I move back to her, feeling her so close that we both let out a soft moan. “Really?”

  “Yes.”

  “You don’t think about me at all anymore?” I asked nosing her earlobe.

  “No … not really,” she breathed.

  I run my finger down her neck feeling for the chain, pulling it out slowly and dangling it in front of her. The locket I sent to her for her birthday shines brightly in front of us both. “Not at all, huh?” I open it seeing the picture I put in of us together on one side and a picture of Lillah on the other. With a reassured smile, “you love me still. I know it.”

  Jerking the locket out of my hand, she sprints away. “You know I probably should try to get some sleep, she … Lillah gets up early,” she choked out with a rough voice. “And. You need somewhere to sleep and I haven’t prepared the guesthouse.”

  “The guesthouse, no I’m staying here with you and Lillah.”

  “I guess I could make up the sofa for you,” she said glancing at me, waiting for me to protest.

  “That will be fine,” I said reluctantly.

  After we say good night I watch her walk away into her room, even the boys leave me to sleep with her. Clearly, I am the only one in the doghouse tonight. I am able to fall asleep for a few minutes before Lillah wakes me up crying. I respond to her cries only to find Ava already soothing her back to sleep, swaying her hips and humming softly to her, just like how I had envisioned her, only better.

  “Did she wake you?” She whispered after catching me out of the corners of her eyes.

  “Yes, but it’s my job to get up and check on my little girl, right?” I watch her fight her smile as she comes out of the room, shutting the door behind her and pushing me to back me up.

  “She’s fine, a little upset is all.” She looks everywhere but up at me.

  Moving slightly towards her and taking hold of Lillah’s door. “Are you sure she is okay?”

  “Sean, I just got her back to sleep” She puts her hand on my chest and I smile taking hold of her hand, only to have it jerked away from me.

  “Are you sure she is okay - Ava?” I run my fingers through her hair.
/>   Trembling she puts out her hands almost touching my chest again before she pulls them back. “Yes. She just wakes up and gets upset.”

  “I think I should check on her anyway,” I say, easing myself against her stiff stature.

  Looking up at me suddenly, “Sean, I said no!” Without hesitation, I take in her bottom lip with mine, caressing her mouth and encouraging a response. Taking hold of her waist, I kiss her until she finally kisses me back. As I run my fingers through her hair, I rub my tongue against her lips and she opens her mouth for me responding equally. She moans, increasing my excitement so I pick her up and carry her to her bed, following her down and in. Her lips taste so good, and her skin feels so incredible. I begin moving my hand to her shirt, grabbing the edges and pulling it up until she stops everything. “No Sean. No I can’t.”

  “Why?”

  “I can’t do this with you again!” She runs out of the room twisting her clothes back into place.

  Running after her, I pull her back to me. “Ava, I know you want me.”

  “It doesn’t matter what I want. It’s not right, we are not right.”

  “Who says?” I ask taking her arm to stop her from walking away but she pulls away and runs from me again. I find her pacing with fisted hands and wiping away tears. “Ava I have missed you more than I could have ever imagined, please don’t push me away.”

  “I have heard you say that before Sean and it’s not good enough. I want more and I don’t think you can do that. No, I know you can’t, you won’t.”

  “Ava, please don’t,” I said as fear begins to take over my emotions.

  “Don’t worry, I won’t keep Lillah from you.” She paces away from me. “Maybe your mother can come and get her and take her to you.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “You know custody details,” she said looking everywhere but at me.

  I shake my head, “I’m not letting you go Ava, not this time.”

  The tears begin to stream even more down her face, “you have to, it’s better for both of us, and you know it.” Ava continues to hold me back from her.

  “No it’s not, Ava.”