Finding Ava

by Jennifer Loren

  “Yes it is, besides I’m over you and I don’t feel the same way anymore.”

  “That’s not true, I see it in your eyes. The way you kiss me and the locket Ava, you could have thrown it out, not wear it.”

  With her usual stubborn attitude, she ignores everything I am trying to say and turns her back to me. “It is and I want you to find another place to stay first thing tomorrow. I don’t want to see you again after tonight.” As soon as the words leave her mouth my whole body begins to shake until I break. Falling to my knees, I push my hands over my face and over my head, tensing every muscle. I can feel her eyes on me, “Sean!”

  I shake my head, refusing to hear another word of her denials, while tears form in my eyes. “Ava please don’t do this.” Swallowing hard, “don’t Ava, I need you. I can’t let you go. I won’t.” I look up at her and see her face frozen in shock. Focusing honestly on her, I take in a deep breath searching for the words, the only words that have a chance to persuade her. I lick my lips before breathing, “I love you Ava. I love you. I love you and I don’t want anyone else but you.” But she doesn’t move. No. She can’t! Trembling, I crash into my hands and pray to God that it isn’t too late, until I feel her push my hands away from my face.

  “I love you too, I never stopped. I’m sorry, I wasn’t sure,” she said fighting her own tears. “I had to make sure that you won’t ever leave me again.”

  I wrap my arms around her as she collapses into me. “Why do you have to be so damn difficult? You could have asked me, I have wanted to tell you for a long time.” I kiss her everywhere I can. Looking into her eyes again with a smile, “I love you Ava.”

  “And I love you,” she said reviving my heartbeat again.

  Chapter 30: Ava

  I am waking up in his arms again and I have no desire to ever move away from him but our daughter has other plans. She has begun whimpering already, following it with soft crying. One … two … three … and now the screaming. She is impatient and demanding as hell, like her father.

  Sean wakes up with a look of shock, “what the fuck!”

  “That would be your sweet little girl, I told you. Now get up.”

  “Are you kidding it’s …,” he begins searching for a clock, “the sun isn’t even up yet.”

  “It’s getting there, now get up.” He quickly covers his disgusted expression with a pillow, wrapping it around his head as Lillah screams even louder. “No Sean, you are going to get up. I did this for months without you and now you are going to get to experience all the joy too. Now get up!” I said taking the pillow away from him and smacking his perfectly bare hind end, after he rolls over into my pillow. “You go get Lillah and I will get you some coffee going. Okay?” I asked grabbing the baby monitor and waiting for his response in the midst of his grumbling. “OKAY?”

  “Okay,” he growls with a lazy smile. As I fix his coffee, I hear him over the baby monitor go into her room. “Lillah honey, I love you but come on, Daddy needs sleep. Mommy makes me crazy and I need a lot of sleep in order to deal with her all-day.” She quiets down as soon as he begins talking to her. Great, a Daddy’s girl already.

  Sean walks into the kitchen with her in his arms, smiling innocently. “Sean, I have the baby monitor you know?”

  “You do? Oh no Lillah, Daddy’s in trouble now.” Sean still half asleep, approaches me with a gentle kiss. “I love you,” he said before making his way to the sofa with coffee in hand.

  Taking the seat next to him, I pick up Lillah and adjust to feed her, all the while waiting for a smartass comment from Sean. Instead he pulls my hair out of the way for me, rubs my neck, and watches us admiringly. “You need me to get you anything?”

  “I’m good right now, thank you” I cannot believe how amazing he is being.

  “If you need me to warm those up for her later, let me know.” Catching his expected wink, I see him laugh to himself while I roll my eyes. He thinks he’s funnier than he is. “Where are the boys?”

  “They don’t get up this early.”

  “Oh hell no, they don’t get to sleep in, Rondo, Prince come.” Nothing, Sean calls them again and still nothing. Sean smirks at me as I laugh at his failed attempts. “Squirrel!” He yelled and suddenly the house starts shaking as they both come scrambling on top of each other with twisted ears and eager anticipation for the squirrel that is nowhere to be found. Sean doubles over in laughter watching them search high and low.

  “That was mean.” Sean continues laughing as he lets them outside to verify the missing squirrel.

  “Mean or not, it was funny as hell.”

  “I am going to go get her changed and cleaned up, don’t go anywhere I will be back and it will be your turn to entertain her.” He smiles but when I finish both Sean and the boys have gone back to bed. With a frustrated growl, I stomp my way to the bedroom, put her right on his chest, and just as I had hoped, she commands his attention immediately. “Your turn,” I said cheerfully.

  He forces a smile through his tired expression. “Thanks,” he growls picking Lillah up and kissing her cheek. I hand him some toys while I crawl into bed myself.

  Watching Sean play with Lillah is a sight I never thought I would get to see. I always wondered if we be any good at it. “You’re so good with her already.”

  “I have had some practice but I’m sure you are still better.”

  “I don’t know about that, I’m so tired all the time that I’m not sure I am good at anything anymore.”

  “Well now you have help, so you can get some sleep. Is there anything else you need my love?” He smiles wide at me.

  “Right now sleep is the only thing I can think of but I will let you know.” I smile happily before kissing his scruffy, morning face.

  “Well have you thought about where you would like to live?”

  “Live?” I look at him, puzzled to why he would ask such an odd question.

  “Ava, you know we can’t stay here.” With his usual demanding attitude, he ignores my obvious disapproval over his statement. “It’s not safe for you here. Eventually it’s going to get out about you and Lillah and then we are right back where we were before I left the last time.”

  “But what can we do about that?”

  “I want you to get yourself and Lillah packed up and then I am going to relocate you to a safer, more secure place.”

  “Sean!”

  “Ava, I am not going to argue with you about this.”

  “Where are we going to go?”

  “I called my realtor yesterday and he is sending someone over to help us get set up in a rental place until I can find us a permanent home.”

  “Why can’t we stay here?”

  “There is no security here and there is no way to have any real security here.”

  “We could put in an alarm and a fence or something …,” I plead with him.

  “Ava. Damn it, no. Please for once don’t argue with me?”

  “But I love this house.”

  “I know you do and I’m sorry you have to leave it but there is no other choice.”

  “Isn’t there?”

  He looks at me with a stern confidence. “No.”

  “But Sean.”

  “Why are you so stubborn?” He pauses looking down at Lillah and calms. “I am not going to argue with you. You are going to need to do as I say. I’m sorry that you have to leave your house but there is no way I’m going to put either of you in danger by letting you stay here. Now please don’t stress me out anymore by arguing with me about it.” He stops when Lillah becomes determined for his attention, throwing her fists in the air crying. He looks over at me with his eyebrows furrowed and tensed. “Now there are two of you to drive me crazy.” I bite my lip to keep from laughing. “It’s not funny, Ava.”

  “Okay so I will move but when?”

  “We should have a place in the next couple of days.”

  “That soon?” He nods and I look around my house that I love so much, “but what do I do abo
ut my house?”

  “You can sell it I guess.”

  I pause somberly. “I know, I can sell it to Kyle and then we can still have the office here.” I smiled with excitement.

  “No, Ava”

  “Why not?”

  “You can sell the house to Kyle, give it to him even but you cannot come here and work every day. You need to get an office in a secure building, somewhere where you have to have an appointment to get in.”

  “Sean that’s ridiculous. What am I going to do when I need to go to a client’s office that’s not so secure, are you going to have me followed by some armed guards?”

  “That’s not a bad idea.”

  “Sean no. I won’t do it.”

  Leaning over he takes my hand, “Ava if you can promise me that you will be careful and think about where you’re going and whom you are meeting with, then I will back off on the guards. I will back off some on the office but it still needs to be in a building that has some sort of security. Okay?”

  Considering what he could demand to put me through, this seems doable. “Okay.” I smile at him earning an appreciative kiss. Lillah simultaneously begins to demand Sean’s attention be back on her. This one time, I let her have her way. Feeling my heavy eyes once again, I lie back within my pillows and blankets and close my eyes for a few seconds. When I open my eyes again, I am confused by the sun’s position, even though I am slightly dazed, I know it is later than it should be. I do not hear Lillah and I do not see or hear Sean. I focus hard on the numbers of the clock … I slept for 6 hours? I missed most of the day. I stumble out of bed running to Lillah’s room, finding Sean rocking Lillah to sleep. I step inside quietly but the boys’ excitement towards me alert Sean to my presence. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

  “Don’t worry about it, I was able to get a couple of hours too.”

  “Thank you.” He smiles back at me with a wink, causing my legs to suddenly quiver. “While you are taking care of her I am going to go get a quick shower.” I said scrambling backwards. I rush to shower before starting my juggling act to find the perfect outfit, fix my hair, makeup and find the perfect underwear, all I hope, before he can take notice.

  “Ava?” Sean called out to me as I stumble back to him, still adjusting my clothes.

  “Sorry I had to change after my shower,” I said hoping I am not being too obvious but still being sexy enough that he will want to try. His slight smirk tells me nothing but that he is curious to my sudden weirdness. Lillah thankfully is kind and falls asleep peacefully, allowing us time to make dinner together rather than having to order out. Sean lights some candles without me even suggesting, and it is all I can do not to scream for joy and attack him. I sit down with no hint to my ulterior motive and watch his body move. With every bite, every twist and thrust of his tongue, every flick of his fingers and every gaze in my direction until suddenly he gets up and sits right next to me.

  “You look too good to be sitting over here all alone,” he said taking my hand in his.

  “Did you get a chance to talk to the realtor today?” I asked him while enjoying the tender circles he makes on my hand.

  “Yes, she brought some options over.”

  “So you found a house for us?”

  “A rental yes but I am still working on somewhere permanent. I should probably also tell you there is a photographer coming over.”

  “A photographer?”

  “To photograph us for a magazine.”

  I jerk my hand away from his. “Sean why would you do that? And without asking me?”

  “If we take the pictures ourselves then we can beat the reporters from trying to get the first scoop. It will cut down on the craziness and make it safer than trying to hide Lillah and you from them. Once they find out, they will be relentless until they get what they want, this way we beat them to the punch. Believe me I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t think it was for the best, sweetheart.”

  “Why didn’t you do that before, when it was just us?”

  “I didn’t know where it was going then. And you were right, I was scared to answer questions about us. I was scared that it wouldn’t work and then it would be my fault for putting you in the limelight again and then not be able to give you anything in return for the pain it would surely cause.”

  “And now you know. Where we’re going I mean?” I said staring at my plate and pushing food around with my fork.

  Sean, using one finger pulls my face towards his. “Ava, I know exactly what you want and I want the same. All I ask is for you to give me a little time to do it right. I love you more than I can tell you and I’m not ever leaving you or Lillah again.” Pausing he kisses my hand. “Let me ask you the right way, you deserve it,” he said with his tender green eyes melting every part of my body. I grasp his hand on my face, nodding as he touches my lips softly and follows with an excelling breath. “You know, you’re a pretty good cook, I would have never guessed that about you.”

  “Why is that?”

  “Because when I first met you I got this impression of you being so uptight that you ate frozen dinners, so none of your food would touch.” He smirked.

  I eye him with disapproval, “ha-ha! Well you know what? When I first met you I thought you were so full of yourself, that you had mirrors covering all your walls and ceilings, so you could continuously look at yourself,” I said proudly.

  “What? You did not.”

  “I did, I even imagined that you hired somebody just to walk around with a mirror for you.”

  “That’s absurd,” he said shaking his head at me with a mocking smile.

  “I know but I thought you were,” I said cocking my head to one side.

  “You know if someone told me then that you would end up having my child, I would have thought you must have taken advantage of me in my sleep.”

  “If anything sweetheart, it would have been the other way around. You were after all, the one gawking at me while I took a shower.”

  “Mmm … the shower,” he moans staring off into space with a goofy smile. I kick his chair to bring him back to me. “That wasn’t nice,” he scowls.

  “You’re sitting there fantasizing about me, right in front of me.”

  “So? It has been a long time. Damn Ava, I haven’t had sex since you.”

  My jaw drops, “you haven’t been with anybody else … at all … since me?”

  Shaking his head, he looks at me from the corner of his eyes. “I did try once. I went out specifically trying to find someone to get you out of my head. I brought her home and had her in my bed and then …” He grimaces as if he is remembering something horrible.

  “Then what?” I asked facing him fully.

  “Then right before anything could happen, I called her your name.”

  “You didn’t?” I said trying hard to hold back my laughter.

  “I did and it was my ex-girlfriend, so you would have thought I could have remembered her name.”

  “What did you do?”

  “I kicked her out and then went to bed alone and pissed off.”

  “Pissed off at whom?”

  “You.”

  “Me! Why?”

  “Because I couldn’t get you out of my head. It had been over a year and I still could not get you out of my head. You don’t know how frustrating that was.”

  “So no sex with her, just kissing?”

  “Yes, but in some fucked up way, I thought I was kissing you. I don’t know why, you kiss way better than her.”

  I smile, “really?”

  “Don’t get cocky, but yes.” He pushes his plate away and leans on the table as he watches me finish. “I assume with Lillah and all you didn’t get much dating in either?”

  With a hard gulp, I force a reassuring smile. “We should get this cleaned up so we can relax,” I said taking our dishes to the kitchen quickly.

  “Ava?”

  “Hmmm.”

  “Tell me you didn’t have sex with some other guy?”


  “Sean, you know I am not good with new men touching me like that.”

  “I did.”

  “Yes, but you’re different.”

  Sneaking up behind me, he waits for me to face him and hovers over me so I cannot escape his intense stare. “Ava, what aren’t you telling me?”

  I shake my head but he is not buying it at all. “Well I might have gone on one or two dates, after Lillah was born. People set me up trying to make me feel better. You know because I had a baby and I wasn’t sure if I still looked attractive to anyone. I went out only to make myself feel better. That’s all.” I slowly look back up into his concentrating eyes.

  “You went on two dates?” He looks at me as my eyes, tell the truth. “Several?” He gulps. “You didn’t?”

  “NO! I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. It really was nothing, some of them were terrible but they made me feel like I am desirable and that is all I wanted, I promise. They would try to kiss me and I always maneuvered away. It was frustrating for them, and most never called me again after the first date.”

  “Most didn’t?” He would hear that.

  “One guy did. I met him at the grocery store, he is sweet though.”

  “He picked you up at a grocery store? Did he know you have a baby?”

  “Well I had Lillah with me, he thinks she is adorable. He reminds me of you. Except he is young,” I said wishing I could take it back. “Well he’s only been out of college two to three years, he’s twenty-three at best.”

  “You went out with someone younger than you, a lot younger than you?”

  “Hey, watch it! He is nice, he goes running with me and helps me at the gym. He says I have a better body than any of those girls there.” His eyes intensify. He deserved that one. “But nothing happened.” I smile innocently at him.

  “What’s his name?” He glares at me as I try to speak. “What’s his name, Ava?”

  “Tad, why?”

  “Tad? What the hell kind of name is Tad? Never mind, he sounds like a loser,” he said waving off the idea of Tad. Now would be a good time to shut my mouth and agree.

  “Yes he is, feel better.” With a simple look, Sean lets me know that it was a stupid question and walks away from me mumbling under his breath.