A Love for Lizzie

by Tracey J. Lyons

  “The day has been better than okay, Lizzie. With the sale of the dining set and your artwork, some of the burdens are being lifted from us and our families. I’ve been thinking this could be a good time to reconsider our relationship.”

  The expression on his face made her laugh.

  “You’re joking!”

  “Actually I’m quite serious about this. I’d give you more time to think about this, but I think you’ve had enough time already.”

  “Not even courting me yet, and here you are, bossing me around.”

  “I would never.” He picked up her hands, brought them to his lips and kissed the top of each one. “I’ve waited a long time for us to court and I need everything to be just right.”

  Her eyes widened. Was he going to kiss her on the lips? Tonight she’d be perfectly content with the affection he’d been showing her. But the thought of his mouth on hers made her feel like nothing else on earth. Not even the joy she took from her paintings and watching the sunset could compare. He came closer, his arms grazing hers. She looked up into his eyes and once again felt overwhelmed by the love she saw there.

  She so wanted to have the courage to pour her heart out to him, to say the words he most wanted to hear. But she didn’t want to give her heart to him only to have her vader take all of this away if he didn’t approve of a courtship between them.

  Then he said, “I’d like to come by your house tomorrow. I have something I need to tell you.”

  “Ja. I’d like that,” she answered as a tiny bit of doubt managed to creep back in.

  Lizzie did her best to fight off any uncertainty about their relationship, deciding that loving someone could be a hard and sometimes unpredictable part of life.

  “The night is getting on. Let me get you back to your parents.”

  Lizzie let him hold her hand as they walked back to the cake tent. She tipped her head back one last time, wanting to memorize the beauty of the night sky. The stars sparkling way up in the heavens gave her hope. A star shot across the inky sky.

  “Paul! Did you see that?”

  “I did.”

  She squeezed his hand, looking forward to what tomorrow might bring.

  * * *

  Sitting on the edge of his bed, Paul bowed his head in morning prayer. Afterward he rose, took his hat from the peg behind his bedroom door and walked downstairs to the kitchen. His mamm stood at the stove, stirring a pot of what smelled like bread and butter pickles. The tangy odor tickled his nose.

  Looking up at him, she said, “Good morning, Paul. Do you have another busy day planned?”

  “I do.” He didn’t explain further.

  After pouring himself a cup of coffee, he leaned a hip against the counter while he sipped the dark brew.

  “Your vader tells me that your shop is doing well. He said an Englischer is buying one of your dining room sets.”

  “Ja, he is.”

  Setting the stainless steel spoon on the spoon rest, his mamm turned to give him her full attention.

  “This rift between you and your vader... It’s going to end soon.”

  He couldn’t tell if that were her wishful thinking or a command to make it happen. Either way he planned on dealing with his vader later today. When it came to stubbornness, the two of them were evenly matched. Knowing this estrangement had not been easy on his mamm made him realize he needed to fix the situation. Soon.

  But first things first.

  His mamm ended the silence. “Let me make you some eggs before you head out.”

  Putting his coffee cup in the sink, he declined his mamm’s offer to cook him breakfast. “Danke, Mamm, but I’ve got a lot going on this morning.”

  She put her hands on her hips, giving him a stern look. “You’re going to skip breakfast? You’ll be starving by noontime.”

  He dropped a kiss on her forehead and he said, “I’ll be fine, Mamm.”

  Putting his hat on, Paul headed out the door. He went into the barn, and after hitching the mare to the buggy, climbed up into the seat and started out to the Miller house. Though he’d rehearsed in his head what he wanted to say to her a hundred times, to actually tell her the things in his heart and on his mind made him very nervous.

  He’d never felt this way before; the sensation that his stomach was all tied up in knots had him shifting on the seat. He prayed one more time, this time asking Gott for strength. Taking a deep breath, he blew it out as he made the final turn into the Millers’ drive. He spotted Lizzie on the front porch, sitting next to her sister. Lizzie had been so happy when she’d told him that her sister would be having twins. One day he wanted to have a family of his own.

  He wanted to have a family with Lizzie.

  Stepping down from the buggy, he looped the leather reins over the hitching post next to the house. Squaring his shoulder, he climbed the steps to greet Lizzie and Mary.

  “Paul Burkholder, did you know my sister has a talent as an artist?”

  He looked at Lizzie, who shook her head.

  “I may have heard a rumor. Good morning, ladies.”

  He noticed a slight blush creeping over Lizzie’s delicate cheekbones as she acknowledged him. “Good morning, Paul.”

  Dropping her brush into a canning jar filled with water that looked as if it had been clouded with several colors, she turned to look up at him, saying, “Aaron is out in the fields with Vader, and Mamm went into the village with our neighbor Mrs. Meyer to pick up some prenatal vitamins for Mary. I decided to put some more work in on the picture I started a few weeks ago.”

  He walked in front of Mary and stood behind Lizzie, looking over her shoulder. His heart clenched when he saw the image of the barn. The fine lines of the building set against the backdrop of the summer field tugged at him. The barn doors were cracked open just enough to see the darkness inside the building. He noticed that Lizzie had added in a lilac bush on the right side. Glancing over his shoulder, he noticed there wasn’t one there. It struck him then. She’d painted this scene as she’d remembered the setting from that long-ago day. With each stroke of her brush, Lizzie managed to pull a peaceful beauty out of a day marred with tragedy.

  He was in awe of her talent.

  “Hey. Can you take a break?” Paul inquired.

  “Mary, will you be okay if Paul and I take a walk?” Lizzie asked.

  “Actually, if it’s all right with both of you, I’d like to take Lizzie for a ride back up to Clymer Hill.”

  His mention of their picnic spot brought a sudden smile to Lizzie’s lips.

  “Let me put these things back in my room,” Lizzie said, gathering the painting and her art supplies.

  As soon as Lizzie went inside, Mary said to Paul, “I need you to be careful where Lizzie is concerned. She’s been through a lot in her short life. I don’t want to see her hurt again, Paul.”

  “I would never hurt her.”

  “I understand. But since there is no official courtship between you, you must know how fragile she can be.” Mary shifted her weight in the rocking chair.

  “Do you need me to get anything for you?” he offered.

  “I’m fine, danke. One more thing. My sister has led a very sheltered life. Even in the short time that I’ve been home, I’ve seen the changes in her. Changes for the gut. Please don’t do anything to ruin that.”

  Paul would never do anything to intentionally hurt Lizzie. He knew that Mary meant well, still it bothered him that she would think that he was the sort of man who would lead a woman on and then walk away. If Paul had his way, he would never leave Lizzie. Ever.

  Chapter Thirteen

  As Paul drove them to their special place at Clymer Hill, he thought about what Mary had said to him. He, too, had seen the change in Lizzie. While part of it might be due to their changing relationship, he wanted to believe the happiness and confidence starting t
o grow in Lizzie had come from within her. He parked the buggy, raising his eyebrows in worry. He hoped bringing her here would be the right thing.

  Helping her down from the buggy, Paul didn’t think he had the strength to talk about David’s death. In order to give her the love he had, Paul needed to tell her everything. Digging deep in his soul, he called upon his faith in Gott to help as he walked hand in hand with the woman he loved. They made their way over to sit on the bench situated on a grassy knoll overlooking Miller’s Crossing.

  She tipped her head to the sky, letting the sunlight bathe her in warmth. Paul smiled as he gazed at her. He knew she’d no idea of how pretty she was. They were taught at a very young age that thinking of one’s appearance, other than cleanliness, was considered shallow and not serving the Lord. Lizzie was as far from shallow as a person could get. He rubbed his thumb across the top of her hand. She turned to give him a small smile.

  “Lizzie, I...” He stopped himself from saying the last two words: love you. With all his being, he loved her. But before he could say those words, he needed to confess his sin.

  Nervously he looked out over the vista, watching a hawk circling above the field, searching for its next prey. The bird flapped its wings once and then let the breeze carry it over the field. The bird soared higher and higher, until it was just a speck in the sky.

  Keeping his eyes focused on the horizon, he said, “Lizzie, I want to talk about the day David died.”

  She said nothing, and Paul let the silence hang between them. Why did life have to be filled with such pain? he wondered. When still she didn’t respond, he faced her so he could see all of her. The happiness he’d seen in her eyes a short time ago was gone. Her skin looked ashen, and her mouth was downturned, but it was the look in her eyes that shattered his soul.

  The light blue color had turned a dark and stormy shade. Tears glistened at their corners. Lizzie pulled away from him. Her body stiffening as her hand slid out of his grasp. Paul’s hand felt cold and empty without hers in it. Memories from that day flooded his mind. He closed his eyes, seeing those images again...

  It was as if time had stood still and he was that thirteen-year-old boy again, on the cusp of becoming a man. At the time of the accident, he’d been helping his daed finish up a cabinet when they’d heard the sound of the bell tolling. Three rings sounded in quick succession, followed by a short pause and then three more.

  He rushed to the doorway, calling out, “Daed! There’s trouble!”

  “Ja! Clancy Yoder stopped by here a few minutes ago. There’s been an accident over at Joseph Miller’s farm.”

  Paul’s stomach clenched. He was supposed to be out playing with his friends David and Lizzie Miller, but at the last minute he’d been asked to help finish up a furniture order for the Englisch family down the road. Catching up to his vader, who was already in their buggy, Paul hitched himself up on the seat beside him. The buggy sped onto the roadway, where they joined a dozen other worried neighbors who’d heard the alarm.

  When they reached the Miller farm, a line of black buggies were already crowding both sides of the driveway. Jumping from the seat, he and his daed hurried along with everyone else, heading toward the barn.

  Running as fast as he could, he pumped his arms and legs harder and harder until his lungs burned. Neighbors shouted as he bumped into them. He didn’t care; he had to get to the barn. He elbowed his way through the group of men blocking the large double-hung white doors. Once inside he paused and bent over at the waist, trying to catch his breath. Gulping in the dust-filled air, he coughed. He raised his head, wiped his hand over his mouth and hurried toward the men who stood huddled around a small body.

  A brown-booted foot poking out from beneath a loose pile of hay. David. No! Paul’s chest tightened. The rest of his friend’s body was twisted at an odd angle at the bottom of a stack of tall hay bales. As he moved closer, he heard sobbing. A pool of blood lay beneath David Miller’s head. He fisted his hand against his mouth to keep from crying out...

  Paul swiped his hand over his eyes, feeling the prick of the tears well up behind his eyelids. The memory still made him choke up. He swallowed hard, feeling the same panic.

  Finally he said, “Lizzie, on that day, after I saw David and I couldn’t find you, I thought you might be...”

  He couldn’t bring himself to finish the sentence. He pulled in a deep breath. His heart was racing, and his stomach muscles were clenching at the memories flooding his mind. Memories he tried so hard to forget. He felt her hand on his, and some of the warmth returned.

  “I had searched for you, but it was so hard to see through the groups of neighbors who had come to help. I remember a tall man stopping me. Blocking my path. ‘This is no place for a young boy,’ the man said.”

  Paul blinked again. “I remember trying to push past him. I called out to you.”

  “I don’t remember much from that day, Paul. I am so very sorry.”

  “Ethel Yoder told me to go outside and wait with the others.” He could still feel the coolness of the woman’s hand where she’d touched his arm.

  “I asked her where you were. She kept telling me to leave. And then I finally saw you...”

  He remembered sidestepping around the woman. He wasn’t leaving until he found Lizzie. Time stood still as the crowd parted. There, a few feet away from her brother, lay Lizzie, her head propped up against the sharp edge of a plow blade, her white prayer kapp lopsided on her head. Light brown hair hung down on her shoulders, matted together with moisture. Paul wrung his hands together.

  There was a large gash that covered her face, and someone was applying a cloth to stop the bleeding.

  Blinking hard, Paul banished the image. He turned to looked at Lizzie. Right here, right now, right this very minute. She didn’t even come close to resembling that little girl. She sat here, next to him, with her tear-streaked face, and he thought she looked beautiful. He felt her anguish and wanted to take it all away.

  * * *

  Lizzie’s heart felt as if it were breaking into a million pieces. The hurt and pain welled up from somewhere deep inside.

  “Why are you doing this now? Why are you ruining this beautiful moment?” she pleaded.

  Fresh pain tore through her heart, searing her soul like an open wound. Her head throbbed. She touched the scar on her face, feeling the pain all over again. “Why, Paul?”

  “I know how hard this is to hear. But we’ve been going round and round all these years, avoiding talking about your brother. Talking about our part in the day. We need to go through this pain in order to come out on the other side, healed.”

  He clutched her hands, his eyes darkening. “I need to be healed, and I know you want that, too.”

  She sobbed, wanting to run away. The tears rolled down her face. Even though she felt the warmth from the sun on her skin, shivers raced down her spine. He put his hand on her back, covering the exact spot, giving her strength and hope.

  “I wasn’t supposed to be out in the barn at all. I don’t remember much about that time, but I do remember waking up in the hospital and my daed being angry with me. He said he’d told me not to go out there to play. I don’t understand why I went against his wishes. If I’d listened to him, David might still be alive.”

  “Lizzie. I was supposed to be there, too. I told David I’d come over. We were going to climb the hay bales. This is as much my fault as it is yours.”

  Lizzie didn’t know what to make of all of this. She knew that Gott would never give them more than they could handle. She laid her head against Paul’s shoulder, feeling his strength.

  “Maybe the fault doesn’t lie with either of us. Maybe it was nothing more than an accident that no one could have prevented.” She remembered now how impulsive David had always been. He’d been the one to swing from the rope in the tree in the backyard. He’d been the one to ride his bike as fast as h
e could down the long hills, while she and Mary had looked on.

  Even at that young age, David had been a risk-taker, while Lizzie had always been the one to stand there watching him.

  Finally she said, “We don’t know how things would have turned out if you’d been there. No one knows. All the times you came by my parents’ haus, all those years and all those visits—was it because you felt guilty?”

  She didn’t think she could take it if he said yes, because that could mean only one thing: that this relationship was his way of making things up to her for David’s death.

  “At first I came because I was so worried about you. And then, ja. I guess I had a lot of guilt. I felt terrible that your vader was left without a son.”

  Lizzie swallowed.

  “Then I knew we shared something more.” Cupping her face between his hands, he tipped her head back, his gaze capturing hers.

  Lizzie’s breathing picked up. The look in his eyes began to change, going from hurt and pain to hope.

  She felt the calluses on the pads of his thumbs as he stroked her jaw.

  “I want to kiss you, Lizzie,” he whispered. “Would that be all right?”

  She nodded.

  He lowered his head and gently touched his lips to hers.

  He raised his head, resting his forehead against hers. “I’m sorry. That was too bold of me.”

  “Nee. The time was right for our first kiss.”

  He looked at her with an intensity she’d never seen before. It might be too soon to express his feelings to her, but Paul couldn’t hold them back any longer.

  “I love you, Lizzie. With all my heart and soul, I love you.”

  Tears sprang to her eyes again. “Paul.” Her voice hitched with emotion, knowing that once she said the words, she couldn’t take them back. Her heart blossomed as she spoke. “I love you, too.”

  His smile stretched from ear to ear. “I can’t believe I’m hearing you say those words. Lizzie, you mean so very much to me. And I know there’s still so much to be done to make our courtship work.”