by Harper Bliss
“Dad? What did he say?”
“Nothing much. But I’m your mother. Granted, I may have too much time on my hands now that I’m adjusting to being retired, but I still have all my wits about me. I can put two and two together.”
Was her mum telling Ash that she knew about her and Gloria?
“I just really hate the idea of you feeling like you have to hide this. You don’t. You really don’t, Ash.” Her mum curled her lips into the sweetest smile. “Was that your way of trying to tell me? When I was in London?”
“Oh, Mum. I don’t know.” Ash buried her head in her hands.
“Darling, look at me.” Her mother’s hand descended onto Ash’s shoulder. “Please.”
Ash looked up, straight into her mother’s face. “I’m so crazy about her. I’m crazy about Gloria.” Ash puffed out some air. Had she really just said that to her mother? Had she actually said Gloria’s name?
Ash saying it out loud must have flustered her mother, because she didn’t offer an immediate response.
“What about Gloria?” Her mum finally asked. “Does she, um, feel the same way about you?”
Oh, yeah, Ash thought. But she could only nod. The weeks of pent-up tension, of hiding, of insecurity about her feelings, were fast catching up with her.
“But, Mum…” Ash had to know. “How did you figure it out?”
“After your father called earlier, it just started making more and more sense.” Her mother kept her hand on Ash’s shoulder. “A few things added up, like they can do in retrospect.” She hesitated for a moment. “I still have the very vivid image in my mind of you dancing with her at my birthday party. And the other week, I could have sworn I saw Gloria come into Sainsbury’s, but then I got the distinct impression that she was hiding from me. Running, even. Then there was this off-the-cuff remark that Adrian made last week. Plus what you asked me in London. What can I say, darling? A mother knows.”
“Ade? What did he say?” Argh. Ash knew it.
“Don’t blame your brother. He probably has no clue he gave something away. But he does know about you and…?”
Ash nodded again. “I came to Murraywood last Tuesday and took the next day off, but Gloria had to work and I got so bored at her house, hiding, not knowing what to do with myself. I went to Ade’s because he’s basically her neighbour.” Ash cast a quick glance at her mum’s face. “I’m sorry for the subterfuge, Mum. I never meant to lie. I just… didn’t know how to tell you. Or even if I should tell you at all.”
“Did you just say you were taking things very slowly?” Her mother leaned back into her chair, finally removing her hand from Ash’s shoulder.
“We were, but then I ran into her at the pub, and now, I don’t know anymore.”
“You were just with her?”
Ash nodded. “Gloria’s friend, Sindhu, arrived while I was there.”
“She knows?” Why was her mother not more perturbed by any of this?
“Yes. Gloria told her a few weeks ago.” Ash sat up straighter. “Your reaction is much calmer than I had imagined it was going to be.”
“I’m not saying I’m not a little confused by this, but… What am I going to do? Tell you, a grown woman, you have to stop seeing someone you’re crazy about? What’s that going to do for our relationship?”
“But still.”
“How did Adrian react?”
“He was a di—“ Ash caught herself just in time. “A bit harsh, at first. Surprised, I guess.”
“Goodness me. Gloria.” Her mum sighed. “That poor woman has been through so much. I really do wish her all the happiness in the world, but, well, I hadn’t expected her to find it with my own daughter.” She shrugged. “I’ve known her forever, yet I never knew she was bisexual. I guess we don’t really have that kind of friendship.”
“I’m not sure she was very aware of it herself,” Ash muttered.
The sounds of footsteps on the gravel startled them both. “Oh, Christ,” Ash’s mum said. “Now your father’s home. He probably wants to see you before you head off.”
“Let’s not tell Dad.”
Her mum shook her head. “Let’s not.”
“Thanks, Mum. And not just for keeping it from Dad for now,” Ash said.
Ash sat in the passenger’s seat of her mother’s car. They’d left earlier than they’d had to, much to her dad’s chagrin, giving them some time before Ash had to catch her train.
“I’ve always believed it’s not for any parent to dictate who their child should love,” her mum said. “I hope you know that.”
Ash should have known. Her coming out had been the biggest non-event of her life. But it felt so great to hear her mother say that.
“Those things are easy enough to say.” Ash glanced at her mum and gave her a big smile. “But when it comes down to it, it’s not always the case. I guess I’m just lucky to have you as my mum.” Ash remembered how she’d almost got angry when she’d told Gloria about Charlotte’s parents and their persistent refusal to accept their daughter for who she was.
“No, darling. Luck has nothing to do with it.”
Now Ash remembered that she’d inherited that stubborn attitude from her own mother.
“Did you expect me to be in tears?” Her mother brought a hand to Ash’s cheek and pinched it, the way she did when Ash was twelve.
“I expected you to be disappointed in me again, especially after the divorce.”
“Darling, I’ve told you time and time again that your divorce did not disappoint me. What was the alternative? That you stayed in an unhappy marriage? This isn’t the fifties anymore, you know.”
“But maybe it gives me a track record for picking the wrong person to be with…”
“Maybe Charlotte was the right person for you, but only for a while. Things change. People change. Look at me. I’m sixty-five. Retired. I’m not the same person I was ten years ago, mostly because I now, finally, know that everything is how it should be. I’m the woman I should be at this age, because that’s who my life made me. Your father has always been a great companion. Ade has his family. You…” She flattened her hand on Ash’s cheek. “You, I worry about so much. Not because you’re single or divorced, but because you’re… searching for something. At least, you were. But when you walked into the house earlier, you looked as though you’d very much found what you were looking for.”
Ash pushed her cheek against her mother’s palm. “Do you know why”—Tears stung behind her eyes—“even in the midst of all the divorce despair, I always knew, deep down, I was going to be okay? Because you’re my mum and with a mother like you, how can I not be okay?”
“Darling, come on.” Her mum made a sniffling sound with her nose. “You’ll make me tear up.”
Ash wiped the beginning of a teardrop from the corner of her eye. “Come up to the city again soon. I’ll take you out again. I had a really good time last weekend.”
“Maybe the three of us can go.” Her mother pinched Ash’s cheek again.
“Maybe…” Ash’s glance fell on the dashboard clock. “Oh fuck. I have to run.”
“Language, dear.” Her mum winked at her. They quickly kissed goodbye and Ash hurried to her train.
Chapter Forty
Mum knows.
* * *
Gloria kept staring at the message Ash had just sent her. Damn. Sally sat next to her on the sofa. Janey wasn’t home. She didn’t want to start texting frantically with her daughter right there, that would surely rouse suspicion. But, oh bugger, Mary knew. Ash must have told her. Just like she’d told her brother well before Gloria wanted anyone to know. Then again, she’d told Sindhu and Fiona.
“Are you okay, Mum?” Sally asked.
“I’m fine, sweetie.” She stood. “I need to make a quick phone call.” She exited the living room. The kitchen wasn’t far enough from where Sally was sitting to have a private conversation with Ash. Gloria went into the garden and pressed Ash’s number.
“She figured it
out herself,” Ash said, as soon as she picked up. “She’s a fucking smart one, my mum.”
“What did she say?” Gloria’s heart hammered.
“She reacted so well, Gloria.” Behind Ash’s voice, there was the steady thrum of the train on the rails. “I couldn’t believe it.”
“She did?”
“Yeah. She had a real enlightened view about it all. Maybe turning sixty-five had something to do with it. She just wants me to be happy, no matter who with.” Ash paused. “It’s not as if you’re the worst person in the world I could have fallen in love with.”
Gloria’s heart warmed upon hearing Ash’s declaration of love, but not enough to overcome her fear of being overheard. She glanced around the garden. She listened for signs of Janey coming home, but all was quiet. Through the window, she noticed the flickering of the TV, but she couldn’t see Sally. Her brain was trying to process this new information, on top of absorbing the day she’d already had.
“This is good news,” Gloria managed to say.
“It’s fantastic news. I mean, my mum’s my mum, you know. She’s as decent as they come, but still. Maybe we’ve blown people’s reactions, or how we thought they’d react, all out of proportion. Sindhu seemed to be more than okay with it as well.” Ash sounded near elated.
“I’m still trying to grasp the fact that Mary knows. What about your dad?”
“He’s as clueless as ever.”
“But how did she figure it out? Has she been spying on you?” Because that was the most disconcerting about it all. Gloria sometimes figured things out about her girls simply because she was their mother and she intuited them—or because she wasn’t born yesterday. But this was different. They’d been careful. Gloria had gone out of her way not to run into Mary.
Ash told her how Mary had drawn her conclusion.
“She saw me hide at Sainsbury’s?” Gloria had to chuckle at the slapstick of it all. “Oh, God. I’m not sure how I’ll face Mary ever again.”
“You will. And it’ll be just fine.”
“I hope so.”
“We should probably also talk about, um, what happened this afternoon,” Ash said.
“I know, but… Sally’s inside.”
“Not now,” Ash was quick to say. “My train’s about to arrive, but… soon.”
“Jesus, Ash. It’s been quite a day.”
“Yeah. Go be with your girls now. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Okay.” Gloria wasn’t sure how to ring off. She didn’t feel comfortable using a term of endearment, what with Sally who could come into the garden at any time. “Talk soon.” She witnessed how her voice went all gooey and soft when she said goodbye, however. She stayed outside for a while longer. Had Ash actually admitted to her mother, as she had just said over the phone, that she had fallen in love with Gloria? Her heart wanted to leap all the way into her throat, but Gloria was also wary. Sure, Mary’s reaction was wonderful, much more so than Gloria had dared to dream, but they still had a long way to go.
For a brief moment, Gloria allowed herself to envision going inside the house, sitting next to Sally, and telling her she’d met someone. She’d done so before, when she’d started dating Robert more seriously. Both girls still lived at home then and it had been impossible to keep something like that hidden. They’d met him and they’d got along well enough, but there had always been an awkwardness, a forced quality about it when they’d all spent time together.
Maybe because, in the end, Gloria’s feelings for Robert hadn’t been strong enough to take things to the next level. Or maybe because it happened too soon after George died. Or it could also have been that she didn’t want her girls to see her with another man. Or maybe Gloria herself didn’t want to be with another man. Her growing feelings for Ash were obvious enough. Or maybe it was a little bit of everything that had conspired against her affair with Robert turning into a real relationship.
And who was to say the same wouldn’t happen with Ash? If anything, it was more likely, because Ash was a woman. Gloria didn’t want to put her daughters through a journey of acceptance and getting to know her for nothing.
On top of all that, she feared their reaction more than anything. Mary was a woman in her sixties. She had told Gloria, at the very birthday party where she’d met Ash, how much she enjoyed this particular decade of her life. Sally and Janey were only at the beginning of adulthood. They still had so much to learn and experience. Gloria hoped she’d taught them kindness and open-mindedness, but these were girls to whom life hadn’t been very kind, so who knew how much kindness they had left to offer in return?
“Mum.” Sally appeared at the back door. “You’ve been out there forever. Call the Midwife is about to start.”
“Thanks, darling.” She went into mum mode, which was a safe and easy mode right now, at least compared to secret-lesbian-lover mode. “Have you heard from your sister?”
Sally nodded. “She’s on her way. She’ll be here in a few minutes.”
Gloria curled an arm around her daughter’s shoulder and they headed inside together.
The next morning, Gloria had just hung a load of washing on the line when Janey called from inside the house.
“Mum,” she yelled. “Phone.”
“Who is it?” Gloria cursed herself. She shouldn’t leave her phone unsupervised in the house like that. Ash could text her. One of the girls could see and start asking questions.
“Mary,” Janey said.
For an instant, Gloria considered asking her daughter to pick up, but she didn’t want to be a coward like that. It had probably gone to voicemail already by now, anyway. Gloria had to face Mary at some point. She’d already rushed away from her once at the supermarket. Murraywood was a small town. She was bound to run into Mary. Especially now, as it appeared that Ash’s mother wanted to talk to her.
She took her time heading back inside. When she picked up her phone, she saw the missed call appear on the screen. Even though she already knew about it, it still jolted her. The kids were going to start asking questions if Gloria kept talking on the phone outside. But this was another conversation she couldn’t have with her daughters within earshot. Besides, she didn’t owe them an explanation. Their mother was allowed just as much privacy as they were. She took the phone outside and, her palms going clammy, called Mary back.
“Gloria, hi.” Mary sounded as though this was one of her regular calls—as though she didn’t know. “How are you? Happy to have your girls at home?”
“It’s great. Yeah.” Christ. Gloria felt as though she’d been called into her supervisor’s office to be berated for gross misconduct.
“Listen, um, you probably can’t talk right now, but, can we meet? I’d like to have a chat.”
Gloria could make up all the excuses in the world, but it didn’t feel right. This was a woman she’d known since she was a child. Gloria and Mary had grown up in the same neighbourhood. Their parents had been friends.
“Sure. I can stop by yours this afternoon, if that suits you,” she said.
“That would be lovely.” If Mary was at all upset with her, Gloria couldn’t tell from her tone of voice.
Gloria rang off. Should she call Ash? If Ash had known Mary was going to invite Gloria over for a chat, surely she would have let Gloria know.
She looked inside the house. The girls didn’t seem to care that she was spending so much time making private phone calls outside. They had other worries to occupy their minds, like passing exams—and which party to go to next. Or in Sally’s case, Gloria imagined, what she was going to do after graduation. A thought suddenly hit her. Maybe Sally hadn’t discussed it with her yet because she expected not to graduate that year. If Gloria’s own mind hadn’t been so occupied with all things Ash, she would have thought of this much sooner. She would have sat her daughter down already and asked her about it. Again, she made a mental note to talk to Sally. But first, she had another conversation to focus on.
Gloria pressed Ash’s numb
er. She’d be at work. They seemed to have an unspoken agreement not to call each other at work. Half the time, Gloria couldn’t pick up when she was on a shift. If she did, she often couldn’t talk freely. Ash’s phone went straight to voicemail. Gloria left a message but didn’t give any details. She texted Ash as well, hoping she could talk to her before she went to see Mary.
For the life of her, Gloria couldn’t keep her eyes off that bottle of gin on the drinks trolley. Mary had taken her into the living room, whereas they usually had coffee and chatted in the kitchen. Gloria hadn’t been able to get a hold of Ash. Even though she’d had a few hours to think about this, she sat in front of her friend totally unprepared.
She shifted in her chair so that the bottle of gin wouldn’t be in her direct line of vision. But looking into Mary’s face was no piece of cake either. Throughout this thing with Ash, this was one of the moments she’d dreaded the most. It was one of the reasons Gloria had felt they should have stopped seeing each other. But they hadn’t stopped. And here she sat.
They had only made small talk so far, but the tension was mounting. The elephant in the room wasn’t getting any smaller either.
“Look, Mary, I know this is all very odd,” Gloria started. “I’m still adjusting to it as well, to be honest.”
“Is it really that serious?” Mary asked. “I wish I could say I had a good night’s sleep, knowing that Ash had met someone, but…” Her voice trembled. “You know I have nothing against you, personally, Gloria. It’s just that Ash is very vulnerable right now. She’s obviously crazy about you. I’m not sure she could take another bout of heartbreak.”
“Heartbreak?” Gloria expelled some air. That was what Mary was worried about? That Gloria would break Ash’s heart? She supposed it was a valid enough worry.
“You’re not… I mean, I don’t want to pry, but I’ve known you forever and yet I’ve never known you to be attracted to women,” Mary said.
