The Loudest Silence (Part One)

by Olivia Janae

  “Stop looking so skeezed out,” she said as she typed something on the phone screen with an efficiency that was impressive. “I’m tagging you on the WCCE Instagram, weirdo. What’s your IG name?”

  Ash had been nice company thus far. She was charismatic, so much so that it was hard not to smile when she wanted you to. She was a solid choice for a work buddy.

  Kate glanced up again and across the room met Charlie’s eyes. She scowled and turned back to Ash. “Are you going to make fun of me if I say I don’t have one?”

  Ash jerked, her phone nearly falling from her hands. She blinked up at her for a second, shocked, as though Kate had said she liked to kick puppies in her spare time.

  “I mean, I have one, but I haven’t used it in years—”

  “We have to fix that,” Ash insisted. “Like, now. Über-important. You have to have an IG so you can follow me.”

  “So I can see all of your selfies and photos of your food?”

  “Hey,” Ash insisted, her voice mockingly serious, “if I put it up, then it was delicious and you should be jealous.”

  “Right. Makes sense.” There she was, laughing again.

  “Plus, who wouldn’t want to see my pretty face?”

  Kate gave a snort, and Ash just grinned, tying her dreads up more securely.

  “You need another round? Yeah?”

  Kate frowned at her almost empty glass before she glanced back up. She should probably go home. Teresa was waiting and Max would be up early, but despite the tension she could feel from across the room, she was enjoying herself. “Sure.”

  “Awesome sauce. Stay here.”

  “Okay, I’m staying.”

  “Don’t move,” Ash said as she backed away, her hands out in warning.

  “Not moving.”

  “Stay right there. ‘Kay, good.”

  Ash disappeared into the crowd, leaving behind a soft scent of sandalwood. It was a nice smell, she realized. Nice enough that it momentarily distracted her before her stomach went back to twisting.

  It was annoying the hell out of Kate that she felt bad. She didn’t want to. Her point had been a valid one, one that had been openly and perhaps even willingly misconstrued.

  The thing was, she had thought that Vivian, the stranger, would assume that Kate had no prejudice toward the deaf because, well, she didn’t; but the more she thought about it, the more she realized that the two women had no way of knowing that.

  “You seem distracted again, Flynnie.”

  Kate jumped, unaware that Ash had returned.

  Ash sent a sour glance toward Vivian and Charlie, who Kate noticed were pointedly avoiding her side of the room. “Still waiting for a crocodile attack?” Ash let out a chuckle at her own joke and genially patted Kate on the back.

  “This whole thing is a freaking mess,” Kate sighed, pushing her hands through her hair in agitation before she leaned against the wall behind her. “I’m starting to feel like crap, which is stupid and annoying. I think I need to say I’m sorry. I just really don’t want to go over there and deal with… that.” She waved her hand vaguely toward the mass of people surrounding Vivian. “She’ll probably just yell at me again. Right? She’s gonna yell at me.” It wasn’t a question.

  “Probably.”

  Kate gave a dry laugh. “Gee, thanks!”

  Ash gave her a lopsided grin and a shrug. “Why don’t you just give her a call tomorrow? That’s all private and stuff.”

  Kate couldn’t decide if she was being funny, extremely rude, or kind of dumb. She waited for a sign of which Ash had intended.

  The bassist stared blankly for a moment or two, aware she had said something but not sure what it was. Finally she rolled her eyes and laughed, “Oh! Right. Oh my god, I just said that. That was stupid of me. Clearly, I’m a genius. Yeah, I guess you can’t exactly call her, can you?”

  Ash smirked, and for a moment Kate wondered if that was something that Ash found funny.

  “Well. Whatevs. You’ll see her again. Besides” – she glanced over at Vivian – “she’s unpleasant at best and a bitch at her worst, so—” Ash backpedaled at Kate’s alarmed face. “Whoa, wait a minute, I don’t say that to be rude or anything. I’m saying that because I’ve been with this group for a few years now. It’s just a fuckin’ fact. The sky is blue; Vivian is a bitch. Just the way it is. I’ve seen the way she treats people who cross her, and it’s never kind. Come to think of it, she wasn’t very nice to you, so why are you even worried?”

  Kate scowled as she saw the duo across the room begin to move in their direction. She turned away quickly, not wanting to be caught looking. “Is she coming over here?” she hissed.

  “Nah,” Ash shook her head. “Talking to Mary.”

  Kate swallowed thickly and looked over her shoulder. They were close. Only a few people away. If she ever had a chance, then it was right now. “I was kind of insensitive,” she reasoned.

  “No, you weren’t,” Ash insisted. “You were telling the truth. Huge difference, chick. I don’t think you need to apologize. She’s an ice queen.” Ash gently pulled on Kate’s arm when her gaze drifted again. “She doesn’t like any of us anyway, and she can barely force herself to consort with us peasant musicians. It’s whatever. Just let her be angry and fuckin’ ignore her. If she wasn’t pissed about this, then she’d be pissy about something else. She’s not going to fire you, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

  Kate didn’t answer.

  “Aw, you’re so cute.” Ash chuckled, opening her arms with a look of sympathy on her face. “Bring it in. You seem like you could use a hug.”

  Kate hesitated, a little thrown by the offer, but let herself step closer to Ash, appreciating her kindness.

  Ash hugged her tightly, her long arms crushing her for a moment before she let go.

  “Thanks,” Kate smiled “That was …” But then her words trailed off.

  In that moment Vivian had turned, caught her eye, and given her the kind of sneer that could turn a person to dust. Kate scowled back, equal parts intimidated, angry, and mournful.

  Ash chuckled, not bothering to lower her voice despite the deaf woman standing feet away. “Told you, Flynn. Total bitch.”

  Charlie’s head whipped around, and leveled Kate and Ash with a look.

  Kate groaned, burying her face in her hands and hoping desperately that Charlie knew Ash’s views did not necessarily reflect her own.

  The sharp, retreating staccato of heels let Kate know it was safe to look up again, but when she did she let out a small yelp. Charlie, the assistant, or rather the interpreter, was leaning over her, far too close as she whispered, “I’m totally sorry.” She looked up and glared at Ash.

  Not to be out done, Ash glared back.

  “You wanna give us a minute?” Charlie said.

  Ash gave a small bow that felt more like a middle finger and stepped away. She didn’t go far, though, and Kate was glad that she had a friend nearby.

  Charlie worried her lip between her teeth for a moment. “I know what you were trying to say, I do. I think even she knows. Vivian can be kind of defensive sometimes.”

  Kate gave her a hesitant smile. “If you know, then put in a good word for me!”

  Charlie laughed. “No way! Plus, she doesn’t mean any of it. She’s just letting you know how she expects to be treated, since you’re new.”

  “With fear?” Kate cried.

  “Pretty much.”

  “Great.”

  “Hey,” Charlie defended. “That’s her right. She’s the boss, and people, specifically some people in the WCCE, really treat her like crap. So what if it makes her a little strict? She’s earned a spot as the boss, despite what some people say.” She glared over Kate’s shoulder again.

  Kate glanced nervously across the room, watching Vivian as she spoke to a number of people with kinder eyes than, thus far, she spared for Kate and she hated it. Vivian required a certain level of docility from those below her, fine, but she could
n’t stay this jumpy.

  “But look, let me give you a piece of advice,” Charlie continued.

  “Yes, please.”

  “Don’t listen to her.” She jerked her head toward Ash. “She might come off all ‘I’m a wise, spiritual hippie, and I care about you and your feelings,’ but she just doesn’t like Viv.”

  “Um.”

  “Also, she’s an idiot.” Charlie was already up and skipping after her employer.

  Kate watched her go, wide-eyed.

  “So, Kate.”

  Her attention was drawn away from her frustration and to Ash as she used her name for the first time instead of ‘Flynn,’ ‘chica,’ ‘gorgeous,’ or some other Ash Campbell term of endearment.

  “My crew is ready to meet, so I’m gonna bounce. Can I walk with you to your train? Which do you take?” Ash clicked off the sceen of the phone she was always on and shoved it into her back pocket.

  “Red Line toward Howard.”

  “Damn.” Ash chewed her lip. “I was hoping we could take the same train. Right, I’ll walk you then.”

  “Okay?” She frowned as Ash tossed her arm around her shoulder companionably.

  Kate watched Ash suspiciously as she walked through the streets of downtown under her arm. She was all for friendly hugs, friendly signs of, she didn’t know, friendliness. She was nice, nicer than she had originally thought, and maybe even becoming her only friend in the city. Still, despite the charm and swagger that Ash often presented, the intimacy was strange.

  Was she about to warn her that being in the bad graces of Vivian Kensington would risk her job? Or maybe that her playing had not been up to snuff tonight? Her wrist had been a little sore, between the recent loading and unloading of moving boxes and practicing, so she had fumbled a little in the third movement of the Mozart. Plus, she had been distracted. Maybe she was going to try to recruit her to attend the Mommy & Me music day that she knew was coming up. Did she not know that Mary had already done that?

  “So. Flynn. When did you get here?” Ash finally asked. “Into the city, I mean.” She gave a chuckle, rolling her eyes at herself.

  “About a day and a half before we met, why?” She seemed… nervous. That goofy yet charming thing she usually had going was thin as ice, which only made Kate’s suspicion grow. Kate frowned. “Hey, actually, I have a question for you, too.” She had been about to ask Ash why Charlie had spoken so poorly of her when her next sentence knocked that thought away.

  “So you haven’t had much time to actually see the city? Or—”

  “Ooooh.” Comprehension dawned. “And you want to show me around it. Right.” It came out more of a statement than a question, and Ash flinched. “Oh!” Kate’s hands went out as though she could give her ego an encouraging pat. “Sorry. I didn’t – did I just kill your game?”

  “A little bit.” Ash chuckled darkly, her thumb toying with the corner of her lip as she studied the ground.

  Kate watched Ash pull her phone out of her pocket, anxiously frown at it, and shove it back in as she thought. It had been a long time since Kate had dated anyone at all, man or woman – both of which she happily considered. Max always made dating a bit more complicated. She refused to allow him to become attached to someone who would be out of their lives a few short months later.

  “So, you’re asking me out.” Again, it wasn’t really a question, and again she could see Ash’s ego take another hit.

  “Seems like it,” she mumbled and Kate found that she liked this side of Ash that squirmed a little as she waited for an answer. It was sweet. She had heard a little bit about Ash since she had started at WCCE. She had been told that Ash was all charm but no depth. She had never seen Ash be anything other than sweet and kind of fun.

  She hated hearing rumors like that; as a matter of fact, she hated rumors altogether, not to mention assigned reputations. Young and still in the system, Kate had learned firsthand how a few small mistakes could earn you an unfair reputation. Try as you might, once you were assigned them, you could never get away.

  Seeming slightly nervous, Ash took a deep breath and straightened her already tied-up dreads.

  “How long have you had those?” Kate asked to give herself more time to think.

  For a moment it seemed as though as didn’t know what she meant. “Oh, err, like a few years or something. I’m not sure.”

  In a thoughtful silence, Kate followed Ash down into the sour-smelling underground. It was getting late, and yet the long, thin room was packed with people, all on their phones and looking like they were trying not to breathe in the stale, recycled air of the stop. Kate settled off to the side, her hands shoved into her pockets as she rocked on her heels.

  “Ash, have I ever told you about Max?” She was pretty sure they had never had a real conversation at all, not outside of rehearsal.

  Ash cocked an eyebrow, zipping her jacket up to the chin for her. “Got a man in your life, Flynn?” she said it with a teasing lilt, but Kate could see a slight uncertainty there. “Did I guess wrong about you?”

  “Guess wrong about me?” Kate scoffed. “What does that mean?”

  Ash groaned, assuming that Kate wasn’t being serious. “Don’t tell me you have a man. You’re too hot to be straight, Flynn. Coooome on!” Ash winked, and Kate realized she was standing very close as she ran her hand over her lapel.

  “You could say that. Max is my son.” She did not miss the look of surprise that crossed her face. She scoffed, the amusement of their banter suddenly darkening. “Yeah, exactly.”

  “What? No, Flynn, you misunderstood! Total misunderstanding, I swear!” Kate had turned away, but Ash grabbed her before she could go. “Bruh! You got it wrong. I didn’t mean anything. I love kids. As a matter of fact, I’m excellent with kids. My niece totally loves me. She’s like my little bro. I can’t wait to have kids. Kids are the shiz. How old is he?”

  “He’s three.”

  “Yeah? Aw, I bet he’s a cute little devil like his mama. Well, I’ll tell you what. Come out with me, and the next time we’ll take the kid to the park or for ice cream or something.” Ash blinked a few times in succession, and Kate wondered if she really had any idea where she would take her son. “Chicago is a great city for children. We can take him to Navy Pier and ride the famous Ferris wheel.”

  Kate studied her eager olive eyes.

  Why was she hesitating? Ash was hot. She had a charisma that Kate had liked in their few meetings. She might be a little younger than Kate, but that wasn’t a deal breaker. And Ash made her laugh; she knew she would be a lot of fun. The idea of going on a date with her wasn’t terrible. It was maybe even good.

  Still, her gut reaction was to turn Ash down flat. It wasn’t about Ash. It was more that she wasn’t sure she needed or wanted to spend time and energy on dating. To Kate, dating was like eating junk food: tasty in the moment but ultimately bad for your health.

  Kate opened her mouth to tell her that, to apologize and let her down softly, but before she could, the memory of a recent evening rocked through her mind.

  Kate had spent the night sitting in her living room with a bowl of ice cream, watching a romantic movie on television. Normally she wouldn’t allow herself to do something like that, knowing the effect that it would have on her, but the two leading actors had been quite attractive so she had given in.

  Sure enough, halfway through the movie, forlorn tears were streaming down her face. Suddenly the apartment didn’t feel comfortable and welcoming, but instead like a huge, lofty space filled with a sleeping boy, bats, cobwebs, and an icy breeze that chilled her to her core.

  She was lonely, to put it mildly.

  Overall that wasn’t such a big deal. Lonely was just part of her, like her calloused fingers and the scar above her left elbow. She had been lonely for years. She didn’t mind. But in that moment, the idea that her night would again be filled with ice cream and lonely television forced an unexpected answer from her. Her lips were still shaped around a ‘no’, but i
nstead “Yeah, okay” popped free.

  All charm dropped away for just a moment as Ash beamed. “Wait, really? Holy smokes.” Her eyes had popped open, her hand cupping her slack mouth. It was clear that she hadn’t expected Kate to say yes. Ash seemed to catch herself then. “So, I’m being a total loser.” She cleared her throat and gave a nod. “Good. That’s great! Awesome.”

  “It has to be after Max goes to sleep, though. I already lose enough time with him thanks to our job.”

  “Right.” Ash beamed again, her hand coming up for a playful fist bump. “We can do that.” She nodded as Kate, amused, gave in to her silent request and bounced her closed fist off of Ash’s.

  Ash smirked and pulled her in for another hug.

  3

  Things fell into a normal pattern over the next week. The apartment began to feel less strange, and Kate and Max found a new routine. It always bothered Kate how good they were at moving from place to place.

  Kate and Max rose each morning for breakfast, then Max would play or watch a movie while Kate did a quick workout. Post-workout came the studious practicing of her cello, a daily requirement. It wasn’t that she was a zealot or even an overachiever, but if a musician wanted to be good and stay good, it simply had to be done. It was just part of the job and to be honest, it was as much of a stress reliever as the workout.

  Once her practicing was done, then the two went to work on the apartment, doing something that they had never done before: decorating. Kate wasn’t entirely sure decorating was a great idea. She knew that the two years on her contract would come and go far quicker than she would be able to believe. She wasn’t entirely sure that allowing Max to grow attached to the room was a smart choice.

  Besides, the apartment wasn’t exactly great.

  She hadn’t been given a lot of time to make the eight-hour drive from Pittsburgh to Chicago to look for apartments. It just hadn’t been possible. She had been forced to sign a lease based only on a few Craigslist photos and Google Maps Street View. It had been a gamble, and they had come up short. The space itself was good, but outside… rap blasted from car windows, people shouted and smoked in their courtyard, pit bulls yowled as they were hit by their owners, and on every corner, men stood in baggy jeans selling little baggies Kate pretended not to see.