The Loudest Silence (Part One)

by Olivia Janae

  Max loved decorating, though, and his smile was enough to make her think that she had made the right choice. She would save up, and perhaps they would move once this year was done. In the meantime, if she could, she would make it work. She just needed to run by a hardware store soon and grab a couple of extra chain locks for the front and back doors. No big deal.

  “How come we doing this?” Max asked. Kate held him up so he could place glow-in-the-dark stars over his bed with a critical eye.

  “Because, kid, this is the first job in a while where I know we’ll be here for a few years.”

  “No more boxes?”

  Kate smiled, pleased that she could say, “Not for a while anyway.” The moment she said it, though, a small voice in her head reminded her that it was temporary. She wasn’t worried about Hilary. Her recovery would take time, and that assured Kate of her two-year contract. Still, Hilary would one day come back, and then she would be out of a job.

  In the meantime, she would only keep those two years if she didn’t get fired for already having insulted her new boss. She hadn’t meant to, it was just that she often opened her mouth first and realized later that she shouldn’t have.

  She needed to apologize and explain, but the thought of those dark eyes pinning her, boring into her in their unwavering way, was daunting. She had chosen instead to let Ash walk her to the train and that, well, that had brought its own complications.

  A few nights later, after Max was asleep and the babysitter had flopped onto the couch with a book, Kate found herself double-checking her outfit in the mirror. It had been so long since she had gone out for an evening like this that she was looking forward to all of the first date silliness. The butterflies, the fancy restaurant, the awkward walk to the front door; it all sounded like a nice vacation from the world of mommy to the world of woman. She had chosen a soft wool dress with tall black heels and had spent more time on her hair and makeup than she had in months. All of that was also kind of… nice. There hadn’t been a reason to dress up in anything other than her concert blacks in a long while.

  “Do you know where she’s taking you?” Teresa asked, eyes appearing over the top of her book.

  “Nope. She wouldn’t say.”

  Teresa sighed longingly and clutched the book to her chest, her teenage heart full of unrequited romance. “I bet Chicago is so romantic at night!”

  Kate chuckled to herself. “Mostly I’m looking forward to experiencing a real five-star restaurant.”

  “She’s taking you to dinner, then?”

  “Yes? I think? I don’t know where. She said something about five-star attire, though.”

  Teresa grinned and let out a little squeal. “Is she cute, Ms. Flynn? I’m not like that or anything,” she quickly added.

  Kate opened her mouth and flushed. “Yeah,” she admitted. “She’s very cute. And she smells amazing.”

  “O. M. G,” Teresa sighed.

  A small knock came from the front door, making them both freeze in excited alarm.

  Teresa thawed first. “She’s heeeere!”

  Kate bit her lip to hide her smile and walked down the hall. Teresa’s excitement was just a little bit infectious. She had a feeling that she would have a great time with Ash.

  “Hi, mama,” Ash said as Kate opened the door.

  “Mama? Really?”

  Ash shrugged. “I call everyone that. Don’t make it a thing.”

  “Nothing to do with me being a parent, right?”

  “Nope.” They paused, each looking the other over before Ash grinned and Kate had to smile back.

  “Hi. You clean up well, ma’am.” She had never outright had a thing for the bohemian look, but Ash looked amazing. Her dreads were down under a bright red fedora, and the very strictness of her tight, tailored three-piece suit somehow made it all the more free-spirited.

  “Thank you, ma’am.” Her grin was goofy as she bowed, pulling off her hat and thrusting a bouquet of flowers at her. “Wow, Flynn. You look great.” But she was eyeing her in a way that made Kate feel like perhaps she wasn’t being totally honest. She took the flowers, her eyebrows pulling together. “Sorry,” Ash finally stammered. “I just assumed you were a jeans and T-shirt girl. I didn’t know to expect – you look great. I’m diggin’ the pumps.”

  Kate glanced down at her exposed legs in their high heels, wondering if she had played the five-star thing up too much. “Thanks?”

  “I’m sorry.” Ash pinched the bridge of her nose. “Totally screwing this up. I, uh …” She cleared her throat, fiddling with a dread. “I’m nervous.” She suddenly bowed again and leaned forward to kiss Kate’s cheek. “You look beautiful, Flynn.” Her voice was low, her lip quirking up on the side. “Really good.”

  Kate gave a breathless laugh, her upset forgotten as a wave of charm washed over her. She glanced at Ash, taking in the tilt of her head, the slightly mischievous grin as her hand found Kate’s and gave it a squeeze. “Let’s get those in some water, shall we?”

  It took Kate a moment before she thought to answer. “Right. Uh, yeah.” She realized her mouth was agape and snapped it shut, rolling her eyes when she saw that Ash was clearly pleased. “Come in.”

  Doing her best to subtly hold the flowers away from herself, she turned and started back. It wasn’t her fault. Why would Ash know that she was very allergic to roses? It wasn’t as though it had come up in conversation. If they progressed into something more serious, then she would let her know.

  “This is Teresa, the babysitter,” Kate said with a sniff. Her throat was already beginning to itch. She would text Teresa as soon as they were gone and ask her to put the roses outside or something.

  “Is that your official title, Teresa the Babysitter?” Ash asked with a toothy grin, offering her a hand.

  Teresa just blushed and dove behind her book again, making Kate and Ash exchange amused looks.

  “So,” Ash said, retracting her unshaken hand, “where’s the little man of the house?”

  “Uh, he’s already in bed.”

  “Oh.” Her face fell.

  “Sorry.” Kate gave a shrug, her hands finding her hips. “I try not to let him meet first dates. It’s confusing for him.”

  “Right!” Ash said loudly enough for Kate to wince and put a finger over her lips. “Oh. Sorry,” she whispered. “I guess that makes sense. About Max, I mean.” It was clear that she didn’t understand at all, but that was all right for now. “So then, you ready?”

  “Yup.”

  “Awes. Let’s do this thing!”

  Again Kate winced and pushed Ash out of the front door before she could wake Max.

  Their conversation on the train had been nice, for once not about music or the WCCE but instead about a movie they were both fond of. When that had faded, Ash had introduced her to something called “Snapchat,” and they spent the rest of the ride making ridiculous faces and taking photos, all of which Ash put up on her Instagram account.

  It was going well until Ash chivalrously put a hand on the small of her back and led her from the “L” train into a cramped, dingy-looking pizzeria.

  “Pizza? I had to get dressed up for pizza?” For the most part Kate was teasing, shooting Ash a speculative glance. She was all for unusual dates like this, dress up in your finest and go to a seedy pizza place with bars over the windows, but she was just a bit disappointed. “Is this what you call a place worthy of five-star attire?”

  “What? You don’t like it?” Ash looked up from the phone she had pulled out again.

  Kate opened her mouth but wasn’t sure how to respond.

  Ash shuffled a little beside the door. “Like I said,” she squirmed, “I really pegged you for a jeans and T-shirt kind of girl. Err …”

  Kate was trying not to feel offended, she really was.

  “I just, I dunno, I guess I thought you’d like something chill.” Ash shook her head and smirked. “Haven’t you ever heard that the fun is in the dress more than the activity?”

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bsp; Kate nodded along, but her thoughts were elsewhere. “So, um, when you told me to dress up in my best,” she hedged, nervously smoothing down the waves in her hair, “what did you think that would look like? Jeans and a tee?”

  Ash ignored the question. “Oh, come on, Flynn. Chicago has the best pizza in the world, and this place is the crème de la crème.”

  “I don’t know,” Kate sighed, feeling all the stranger about her clothing choices. “I’ve been in a lot of cities and tasted a lot of pizzas claiming to be ‘the best pizza in the world.’ And I used to live in New York.”

  “I guess we’ll just have to see, won’t we?” Ash grinned and sent her a wink.

  The pizza was good, but Kate was sure that the pizza from a hole in the wall in Southern California had it beat, and even the rat-infested but delicious pie shop in Queens. Then again, perhaps she just hadn’t liked the fact that everyone in the restaurant had stared at her dress and Ash’s three-piece suit as though they didn’t belong.

  Kate finished two slices, leaving her feeling greasy and uncomfortable in the tight dress. It wasn’t as though she was worried about the greasy food. She worked out every day in order to keep her tight abs and trim frame. Still, the fatty food made her feel like there was a pizza-shaped bump jutting from her belly.

  After the meal, they went for a stroll along the Chicago River. Ash had her hand on the small of Kate’s back again, which was nice, but there was construction on the upper part of the river walk. Kate was trying to be smooth and flirty, all while avoiding loose chunks of cement, dead set on making her trip.

  “Here, why don’t we take a seat, love?”

  Embarrassed, Kate smiled and gratefully settled onto the bench. She watched as a boat floated past on the water, as other couples walked arm in arm, locked in loving embraces against the chill. Ash sat beside her, and while she did put her arm around her, turning in close, she kept a respectful distance… which was nice. She tried to enjoy it, really she did, but then again, her teeth were beginning to chatter.

  This was so strange. She and Ash had always had an enjoyable time together. Why was this going so stiffly?

  Silence fell, and Kate cleared her throat, searching for a topic. “So. Um. Ash. Is that short for—”

  “Ashley, yeah.”

  “Ah.”

  The silence fell again. Kate couldn’t help but think how awkward this was.

  “Well,” Ash said, haltingly, “we’ve covered the cities you’ve lived in, and mine. We’ve covered work, Hilary, and the crocodile.”

  Kate laughed lightly into the embarrassed silence that followed. In retrospect, this date had been more like a job interview.

  Ash spluttered. “I’m sorry, usually I’m better at this. What the hell is up with me? That doesn’t even make sense! I think I was just expecting you to be – there’s an arcade up there that we were – but I suppose that’s not – perhaps – there’s a bar – ugh, I don’t even know.”

  She frowned; clearly she had thought Kate was some type of tomboy and she just couldn’t seem to bounce back from her high heels and dress. The thing was, Kate was a tomboy, always had been. She just happened to like heels as much as Vans. Ash’s preoccupation was beginning to make her feel weird. Was she not her type anymore? Why was it that her dress meant that she couldn’t like an arcade?

  “I’m a total dork, I swear!” Ash said. “It’s because I like you, lady. God, you’re killing me so much, I hate you right now. I can’t think of anything to say that doesn’t sound totally lame.”

  Kate opened her mouth to reply but paused when she realized that she was touched. Smiling to herself she leaned over, trying to catch her eye. “We can go, Ash.”

  “No, no, Flynn.” She let out a gruff sigh and pulled her dreads up in fast, jerky motions. “Err, here,” she plopped the fedora on her head because it didn’t fit with the dreads up. “Oh my god, you’re so cute!”

  She let Ash snap a few more photos before she made her offer again.

  “Nah, let’s not. I just, uh, I’ve never been good on my feet, and I planned for one kind of night when I think I should have planned another.”

  Kate smiled softly, wishing she could make her feel better, but also wishing she was at home in her pajamas with a bowl of ice cream. “First dates are awkward.”

  When they arrived at Kate’s door forty-five minutes later, she smiled a little at Ash and tapped her shoe against the hallway baseboard. It hadn’t been a terrible night. Ash was far sweeter than she had anticipated, and yes, it had been a little boring, but it wasn’t the worst date she had ever been on. Now she could say she had dated recently and that could be that. It was too bad, really. Ash was pretty cool.

  “Well, I didn’t exactly hit this one out of the park, did I?” Ash groaned, stretching and popping her back.

  Kate put a hand on her drooping shoulder and gave a little rub. “Look, Ash, sometimes it’s just awkward. It wasn’t as bad as you seem to think it was. Just maybe next time tell me to wear a jacket.”

  She looked up, startled. “Fuck, you were cold, weren’t you? I didn’t even notice. My mind was so …” She squinted, and when she couldn’t come up with another word, she moaned, bending over as though she needed to catch her breath. “Fuck,” she said, and her head fell, hanging loosely. “The fuck, Ash!”

  “It’s all right. But I should probably – you know.” Kate gave her a smile and started toward the door. She was actually still really cold, and ready to throw on something soft and warm.

  “Aww,” Ash groaned, catching her wrist. “Don’t give up on me yet, Flynn.”

  “Um.” She hesitated, not sure if she wanted to go through this again.

  There was something to be said for a spark, a sizzle on the first date. She was a big believer in it, actually, and there had been none of that tonight. Ash was nice, and hot and everything, but they just hadn’t meshed, not like she wanted to, anyway. This was why she dated so rarely. If dating really was like junk food, then she now had indigestion and possibly pneumonia.

  “No, seriously.” Ash pulled Kate back to her by the hips. “You’ll see. Just give me a second date and you’ll see.”

  So, Kate did.

  It was true the second date was better. Not wonderful, but better. Ash took her to a gallery opening, where they shared complimentary glasses of sour champagne and muttered together at the utterly indecent artist’s work. Ash was funny and gentlemanly, seeming to finally have wrapped her head around the idea that Kate was more than jeans. As a matter of fact, suddenly she was holding doors open for her, walking her to her train every night after rehearsal, and eyeing her in such a way that Kate found both exciting and a little exhausting.

  Their third date was back to the strange awkwardness that neither could explain. Frustrated and confused, Kate had insisted that Ash was trying too hard. “Stop trying to be something you think I want and just be yourself,” she had said.

  Ash had nodded along, popping her knuckles and then, openly frustrated, pressed them into her eyes. “Come out with me,” she had finally exploded. “Let’s just go out and do whatever,” and Kate had agreed.

  That was how she found herself taking the Red Line to Lake and then the Blue Line to Damen to make it to ladies’ night at “Club Whatever,” a name that didn’t inspire a lot of hope.

  She had debated her clothes for a while before she left. Club Whatever didn’t sound like the type of place that you would dress up for, so she settled on a pair of skinny jeans, a tank top, and a jacket.

  Kate’s hands were planted nervously in her pockets as she casually walked up the line of women waiting to get in.

  Ash had texted just a few minutes before telling her that they were in line and insisting that she find them, a line of thumbs-up emojis and rainbows following her command. Kate hadn’t been able to stop laughing as she pocketed her phone. All of Ash’s text messages, and there had been quite a few of them, were like that.

  Her phone gave another ding.

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sp; “Where you at, beezy?” The text was followed up by a chin-scratching emoji and another text message with animated words flashing “Hurry up!” in pink.

  Kate smirked and rolled her eyes, but also moved a little faster.

  She heard them before she saw them. Just as she was nearing the front of the line, she heard a whooping as someone exuberantly shouted, “So then Ash here is all, ‘I’m sorry, I don’t talks the English’ and fucking walks away!”

  Ash was under a taller woman’s arm, her face gleaming with pride at whatever story was being told.

  Kate paused, suddenly unsure. Had she misunderstood something? Ash seemed very cozy under that woman’s arm. When Ash had insisted that the solution to their problem was to go out with friends had she really meant as friends?

  She was so out of place in the world Ash lived in, full of young, childless singles. It wasn’t just that their teen years had been over five years after her own, but their early twenties had been so different, too. When she thought about it, she realized that, in reality, her entire life had been different from theirs.

  The other day Ash had used the term “on fleek,” and Kate had been baffled. Had her invitation to go out with friends been similar? Had she thought she meant group date when really Ash had been using some term she didn’t know?

  She glanced around for a second, debating her options and then stepped up. “Hey.”

  “’Eeeeeey!” Ash cried, her voice a passing impression of young John Travolta. “There she is, ladies!” She smirked. “What took ya so long, I was gettin’ old ova here!”

  Kate chuckled, letting Ash pull her into a hug.

  “Yo, bitches,” Ash said, her top lip curling up.

  “Oh my god, dude, stop!” The woman she had been standing with cried and lightly smacked Ash in the face. Ash yelped and smacked her back.