The Loudest Silence (Part One)

by Olivia Janae

  Kate studied her, the guilt in her stomach congealing. Overall, Kate considered herself to be a good judge of character, but maybe she had been wrong? She watched Ash turn away like she was going to cry, a response that surprised her.

  Ash coughed, turning her head so that Kate couldn’t see her face.

  “Ash,” she started, but she wasn’t sure what to say. She felt bad that she had hurt her, and yet her gut told her that she wasn’t wrong.

  “Mommy! Mommy! Push me!” Max called from the swings.

  “I got it,” Ash thickly said, and was up before Kate could move. She watched them have a small conversation, and then Ash began to push Max.

  At first Max stayed unsure, half a smile on his face as he swung back and forth, twisting to keep Ash in his line of sight.

  It wasn’t until Ash began to tease him, pretending she was going to get his sides each time he swung back toward her that he gave in and started to laugh.

  “Higher!”

  “Any higher and you’ll be flying!” Ash laughed back.

  Kate watched them play, confused and frustrated.

  Giggles fell from Max in a steady stream as he pumped his skinny little legs.

  Whatever had happened the day before, she couldn’t deny that right now Max looked happy and that his happiness with Ash eased some of the angry pressure in her chest.

  Kate pushed up from the grass, smiling as Max begged for more.

  “He’s so cute,” Ash grinned as Kate approached. Though she was smiling, there was still a dull ache in her eyes, a lessening of her usual cheer.

  “He is. I’m not sure where he got it from.”

  Ash smirked. “I can see where it came from. I can’t wait to have kids, you know?” She smiled, shielding her eyes and studying Kate. “Like, it’s all, I mean, yeah. Kids are just the best, ya know? A total gift.”

  Kate just nodded, her chest throbbing happily as she looked at her son.

  Kate watched Ash’s depressed eyes, saw how desperate they were for her to understand and to give in and so, with a sigh, she did. She didn’t believe her, but she gave in.

  “Is there water?” Max asked.

  Ash frowned. “You thirsty, kiddo?”

  “Noooooo, silly. Water like the park with Viv’n!”

  “What?”

  Kate chuckled, leaning against the leg of the swing set. “We took him to that water statue downtown.”

  “Oh,” Ash said, her voice clipped. “No, sorry, dude, not this park.”

  Kate stood by Ash for a long time, watching Max swing back and forth, never tired of his happy laughter.

  When he started to shrill “Lemme down! Lemme down!” it was once again Ash who stopped him and pulled him from the swing.

  He jumped off, wobbling a little. His entire face was alight as he cried “Get me!” and tore off across the grass.

  “Hold on, little dude!” Ash called, laughing when he began to spin in circles. “We all right?” she asked Kate.

  Kate hooked her thumbs in her pockets, looking at Max’s grinning face. “Yeah.” She nodded a little as she relented. “Yeah, you know what, it’s fine.”

  “Yeah?” Ash smirked, pulling her shirt a little so that she stumbled into her. “Awesome.”

  Kate smiled a little as Ash kissed her cheek. “Come on.” Ash took her by the hand and sprinted off after Max, pulling Kate along with her.

  He squealed and instead of running he dropped like a stone, collapsing under the weight of his giggles. Together they attacked, tickling his sides and making his scream.

  Kate scooped him up, giving his cheek a quick kiss, and then set him on his feet so he could run. They both called after him in pretend angry voices, running slowly after him.

  “Not like that!” Max cried at Ash as she caught him for the fifth time. “Like dis! Like Viv’n!”

  Kate gave a snort as Ash froze in place, a jealous scowl on her face.

  “I’ll get you the Ash way, okay, sir?”

  “Noooo!” Max cried again when Ash was still not “getting him” correctly. “This!” He wiggled his fingers, a grimace on his face.

  “That how Vivian does it?”

  “Yeah!” Max leapt up and down. “Like that!”

  “I don’t want to do it like Vivian, though.”

  “You have to!” he cried, eyeing Kate to make sure she wasn’t going to sweep in and attack while he was distracted with Ash.

  “But I don’t want to do it like that.”

  Max gave a pout so deep that his dimple turned into a crater.

  “It’s too bad your bestie isn’t here, huh, dude?”

  “Yeah!” Max cried again. “Mommy, can we call her?”

  “Oh, come on! We don’t need her,” Ash said, but Max’s face set.

  Kate swallowed down a laugh. While the idea of getting ahold of Vivian was nice, Ash looked like she was about to implode. “Max, why don’t you go back to the park?”

  She didn’t have to tell him twice. The moment he was given the idea he went flying back.

  “He’s a big fan of the crocodile, huh?”

  “I told you,” Kate chuckled.

  Ash just gave a grunt and wrapped her arms around her, burying her face in her neck, groaning unhappily.

  “Oh my god, Ash.” Kate playfully pushed her a little. “It’s not a contest.”

  “Isn’t it?”

  Kate rolled her eyes. “It doesn’t have to be.”

  “Sure. Whatever.” Ash pulled away, heading around the circle to see Max better.

  “Ash, it really isn’t.”

  “Everything is a contest with Vivian.”

  Kate frowned, wondering if it was really a contest when the other person wasn’t competing with you at all, or even in the same weight class.

  “Hey, dude, can I play?” Kate heard Ash call from the opposite side of the park.

  She craned her neck and then cringed when she spotted, in the middle of the huddle of children, Ash climbing up the fake rock wall, Max looking at her like she had sprouted two heads.

  Her tongue clicked, and her hands shoved into her pockets. She really didn’t know how to make Ash understand that she was trying too hard.

  Ash and Max started a game of chase, a few of the other children laughing and joining in.

  The game made Kate nervous, though, watching Ash jump in and out of park equipment far faster than the children could follow.

  “Like Spider-Man!” Max called, giggling and stumbling to catch up. “I’ma Lizard!”

  “Ash, slow down a little.”

  Ash didn’t respond, jumping so a little brunette girl just missed her. She reached and swung over the side of the railing, dropping five feet to the floor.

  Little bodies paused, evaluating how to follow in their excitement before they all started down the stairs.

  “Andy!” a mother a few feet away from Kate called to a kid on the equipment. “Go play on the swings, please!”

  She couldn’t blame her. “Ash, seriously! They’re little!”

  Again Ash didn’t seem to hear, running at full speed up the slide, nearly knocking into a toddler.

  “Ash!” She stood, her fists clenched nervously as Max laughed and tried to make his way up the slide, too. “The park is not really made for you!”

  The children were in fits of laughter, barely able to breathe they were having so much fun, but Kate didn’t like how close they were getting to some of the edges.

  Ash waited a second until Max almost caught up with her before she gave a mocking cry and vaulted over him, using a swing like a Tarzan vine to fly over him.

  Confused and a little dazed, Max’s head craned back to watch, craning so far that he tipped and plopped down on his butt. “Whooooa!” he cried, his eyes huge. It took him a second to get to his feet again, too excited to coordinate properly. “I’ma get you! I’ma get you!” He tore up the steps to the equipment, chasing after Ash, who was hovering by the rock wall.

  Nervous, Kate leapt fo
rward, seeing him teeter at the edge of the steps. She could only imagine the type of scraped knee he would get from falling there.

  She got there, but Max didn’t even notice her. His footing steadied, and he climbed up the second set.

  “I’ma get you! I’ma get you!”

  “No way, dude!” Ash shouted.

  Max gave a happy squeal as Ash waited for an extra second.

  Relief washed through Kate, pleased that the game was going to be over. Ash was going to finally let Max get her.

  “I’ma get—”

  “Too slow, sucker!” Ash suddenly vaulted off the platform, ignoring the rock wall all together.

  Max screamed with excitement, his knees bending, and Kate saw white.

  “Max!” She turned to run, to get there before Max in his excitement followed Ash by leaping off the park equipment. “Max, don’t jump!” she cried, running at double time.

  Through the bars of the equipment she saw Max startle at her scream just enough to pause, only he had already started, and now his whole body went rigid, as if realizing he was about to throw himself off the edge of a cliff. The motion was enough, though, and he went down on one knee, his arms flailing, his face twisting with sudden terror.

  “Ash!” Kate cried, hoping the person who was closer would catch him.

  “What?” Ash turned, cockily grinning at Kate as though she should be happy that Ash was playing with her son so well.

  Max started to tip, and though he grabbed for the bar, it was too late, he was tilting headfirst toward the ground.

  Kate didn’t bother to try to get Ash to understand. Instead, she dived.

  She knew she connected solidly with Ash, shoving her harshly out of the way, but she barely registered that. All she saw was Max’s little face heading straight for the ground.

  “What the fuck, yo!” Ash bellowed, twisting and landing on her butt.

  It was a close call. Kate grabbed Max when he was still a foot from the ground. She hit the ground first, her elbow connecting with the metal foundation poles with a resounding thunk that made her yowl, but she caught him.

  “YO!” Ash roared. “That was so ninja!”

  Kate ignored Ash, ignored the screaming pain in her bow arm, her hands feeling every inch of her screaming son.

  Tears were streaming down his red face, but as far as she could see, there was nowhere he was hurt.

  Panicked and relieved at the same time, Kate scooped him up and held him close.

  As happens in parks filled with mothers, two women had rushed to Max just as quickly as she had, all hoping to stop the disaster that had been on its way. “That could have been a nasty fall,” one of them said, brushing Max’s hair from his eyes. “I think he’s okay.”

  Kate wanted to snarl at the woman, annoyed that she was touching her crying son.

  “I’m glad you saw! We weren’t sure if you were watching.”

  Kate’s jaw clenched, her cheeks flaming.

  “You know, honey,” one of the mothers whispered, pushing Kate’s hair from her face, “There are age limits on the equipment for a reason.”

  Kate just stared back at her, feeling the spot the woman had touched throb as her heartbeat began to pick up in her ears.

  She was horrified and furious.

  She pulled Max in closer, letting him bury his face under her hair.

  She had no idea how to respond.

  “He’s all right, Flynn.”

  Kate looked up at Ash, aggravated to see that she looked a little annoyed. She was right, of course. Max was fine. He wrapped his arms around her neck, cuddling in, but his tears dried.

  “Thanks, um, for the help,” Kate mumbled to the watching parents, feeling their judgment, their mom-shaming, like the hot air from a hairdryer. She stood and walked back to the blanket, barely breathing.

  “Buddy, are you okay?” Max just clung tighter to her neck, so she rubbed his back, cooing to him a little as she rocked him. Her elbow throbbed, making her arm feel like Jell-O.

  “What’s wrong?” Ash asked, flopping down on the grass and glaring at a mom across the park. “You know that bitch just told me I should stay off the park—”

  “Ash! You can’t do stuff like that!” Kate suddenly exploded. She had been scared, and she knew she was snapping because of it, but she couldn’t get her heart out of her throat. “You can’t work up kids like that where they aren’t safe.”

  Ash glared, clicking her tongue. “Geez, sorry for being fun.”

  “Clearly he’s having a great time right now.”

  “I wanna go to the water with Viv’n!” Max suddenly cried, wiping his runny nose across Kate’s shirt.

  “Max!” Ash groaned. “Vivian isn’t as much fun as me. She’s not that much fun, dude, I promise.”

  “Yeah-huh! She’s pretty, and she’s fun!”

  “Ash!” Kate cut her off before she could argue with her son. “Here. Fill this up, please.” She thrust a half-full water bottle into Ash’s hand.

  Ash glared like a petulant child but did as she was told.

  Max had stopped crying by the time Ash came back and was ready to timidly play again a few minutes after that.

  Kate let him go with a kiss on his cheek, despite the fact that she didn’t want to – at all. She tried to take a deep breath but struggled.

  Beside her, Ash huffed.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing!” Ash shrugged, but clearly something was wrong. “He just won’t stop talking about Vivian. Like, fuck!”

  Kate popped her knuckles and winced. “It’s not personal, Ash.” She absently rubbed her sore elbow.

  “What’s wrong?” It was Ash’s turn to ask.

  “I hit it when Max fell.”

  “Whoa.”

  Kate swore a little. There was already a large bruise forming. They needed to go so she could ice it. Panic fluttered in her chest as she wondered how she would practice.

  “It’s just fuckin’ annoying!” Ash had picked up the Vivian train of thought again. “I’m sick of hearing it, like, everywhere with him.”

  “Ash.” Kate pushed herself up. “He’s a kid.”

  “It’s just, the fuckin’ crocodile. Like, really? She’s—”

  “Hey, whoa.” Kate’s hand went out. “I don’t even want to know, okay? Leave me out of the drama.”

  “Whatever.” Ash pushed herself up and headed back to the park.

  Kate began their leaving routine, picking up any trash, and, though she was nervous to leave him, heading to the bathroom.

  She powered through the bathroom run as quickly as she could. When she stepped out, she couldn’t see Max anywhere.

  “Ash?” she called. Concerned, she started around the outside of the play area.

  On the opposite side of the park, she saw them, just beside the slide, Max in Ash’s arms.

  She groaned, giving in to an eye roll.

  Max was drawing away, his head bowed, looking upset. Why did she keep insisting on ignoring his personal space?

  “Ash, I think it’s time to call it a day,” Kate said as she trotted up.

  Anger darkened Ash’s face as she looked up. “So that’s it. You’re just going to go?”

  “Whoa.” Kate blinked in surprise.

  Max squirmed, and Ash plopped him on his feet. He slunk over to Kate, his arm around her leg, tears on his face again.

  Angry, she picked him up and let him cuddle under her hair.

  She was going to have a talk with Ash about this when Max wasn’t around. She was sick of it.

  “Yeah. I think it’s time to go. We’re gonna go,” she said through clenched teeth.

  “Can I come with you?”

  “No, not today.”

  She watched Ash pout and marveled that the nickname ‘the Millennial’ had never felt so accurate.

  Her anger didn’t subside until she was back on the train, Max cuddled into her side. She gnawed on her fingernails, lost in her thoughts as she criticized hers
elf over and over again. What had she been thinking? Thank god Max wasn’t hurt.

  He was still quiet when they arrived home, a fact that only worried her more.

  “Max, what’s going on? Are you hurt? Does something hurt?” she asked, crouching down to his level.

  He shook his head.

  “Did you have fun?”

  He paused, his bottom lip trembling as he nodded.

  Her hand went to his hair, running through it without thought. “What’s up, kid?”

  “How come,” he hiccupped, his voice still subdued, “how come Viv’n can’t be my friend cuz she can’t hear?”

  “What? Who told you that?”

  “Ash.” He sniffed, a tear rolling down his cheek.

  Kate gaped, her mind suddenly wiped blank of all maternal wisdom. Surely Ash hadn’t actually said that. She knew that Ash didn’t like Vivian, but in a world where Sesame Street had an autistic character, surely Ash wouldn’t actually think that, let alone say that to him. “Max, of course Vivian can be your friend. She is your friend, remember?”

  “Yeah,” he sighed, his shoulders rising and falling.

  “Max …” She chewed her lip, thinking. “Do you remember exactly what Ash said?” He had to have misunderstood.

  He shook his head, another tear falling. She could see the worry on his face.

  “Okay. That’s okay.” She hugged him. “I think that Vivian can be your friend. Do you want to text her?”

  His face brightened as he nodded, his finger pulling on his bottom lip.

  “Okay!” she said with fake cheer and gave him a high five.

  She pulled out her phone, but before they could text Vivian she typed off a quick message to Ash:

  “Hey, did you tell my son that he can’t be friends with Vivian because she’s deaf?” – K

  “Okay, what should I say?” she asked Max. “You want to say hi?”

  “Yeah!” He pulled on her leg, trying to bring the phone down to his level.

  “Okay.”

  “Max wanted to say hi.” – K

  “Hi Max! I’m glad you texted. I was about to thank you and your mom for the nice day yesterday. I hope it can happen again soon.” – V

  Kate sighed, smiling a little at the message. Though she didn’t want to, she found herself wishing that it had been Vivian who had invited them out today, instead of Ash.