The Loudest Silence (Part One)

by Olivia Janae

  “Totally. We both had fun.” – K

  “Good.” – V

  Kate toyed with her phone as she began to make Max lunch. She didn’t have anything to say, but she also didn’t want to let the conversation end there.

  “What are you up to today? Stuck inside?” – K

  “Sadly, Ms. Flynn, I’m always stuck inside.” – V

  Kate laughed.

  The next morning was not a good one for Kate. She hadn’t been able to get the knot out of her stomach all night long, and when she finally did sleep, acid reflux gave her stress dreams.

  It was lunchtime before the day settled enough that she put on a CD for Max and sat down to her cello, ready to practice. She needed the stress relief.

  She pulled her bow across the strings and winced. Her arm gave a dull, warning ache that roared to life as she held the position. Still she pushed on, promising herself that she would ice it and rub some arnica cream on it later.

  She closed her eyes, her head drooping a little and let herself simply feel the vibration through her body, embracing the ache.

  The dark melody made her sigh, and she closed her eyes, hiding in it for a moment.

  How come Viv’n can’t be my friend cuz she can’t hear?

  Ash hadn’t texted her back, and she knew why.

  She couldn’t believe that Ash had said that to him.

  She couldn’t believe a lot of things about Ash.

  Her head fell to the side as she played through the pain.

  Things had never been easy with Ash. Honestly, she was beginning to feel as though it wasn’t worth it.

  No. She turned a little, relishing the way it made her sound bite and snap. It wasn’t beginning to feel that way. She had felt that way for a while.

  Dating was an experiment, right? It was seeing how your life fit with someone else’s. In this case, it was pretty clear that their lives didn’t mesh.

  It was strange, but the moment she thought this, the moment she decided not to move forward with Ash, was the moment the resonance deepened even further in her cello, and she sighed, feeling lighter.

  Next time she saw Ash, they would have to have a talk, and if she were being honest, she was pleased about that.

  9

  Kate didn’t actually see Vivian again until June had blossomed into July, but in that time, their phones had become well acquainted. The double chime that Kate had set specifically for Vivian went off four or five times a day. They never spoke about anything particularly important, but instead kept a meandering stream of consciousness going between them.

  “Max-o-million says, “Hi, Viv’n.” I keep trying to get the IA out of him, but so far no luck. I think you’re stuck being Viv’n. Which, I know you can’t hear it, but you should be okay with it because it’s adorable when he says it.” – K

  “My mother swears these board meetings are enjoyable, but I will always need an extra cup of coffee just to stay awake. How these idiots come up with the ideas they propose is beyond me.” – V

  “I’m pretty sure Max is in the kitchen trying to sneak a cookie. He doesn’t seem to get that I know exactly what he’s doing. Kid is not sly at all.” – K

  “I think the lunch vendor was trying to ask me on a date a few days ago, but I was looking for change in my purse so I missed half of what he was saying. Now there is something weird happening there whenever I pick up my lunch and I’m not sure how to address it.” – V

  Every now and then, Charlie would throw herself into the mix as well; she and Kate were becoming fast friends, too.

  “Do you think ants feel it when we step on them?” – C

  “My work day needs to move a bit more quickly so I can spend some quality time with my swimming pool. I can’t believe it is so hot.” – V

  “This day needs to be over soon so I can use Viv’s pool. Why is it so fucking hot?” – C

  Her texts from Vivian and Charlie were becoming almost as frequent as her texts from Ash had been before the park.

  It had been a week since Kate had sent Ash that text asking her question and still there had been no reply. She had messaged Ash twice since then, asking if she could speak to her. Nothing. There hadn’t been many rehearsals, as the chamber group was between gigs. At the few there had been, Ash smiled but seemed abnormally busy, slipping away before Kate could grab her. It was as though Ash knew she had made a decision and she didn’t want to hear it.

  Kate wasn’t sure exactly what she should do about that.

  A few days later, Kate was sweating heavily as she pulled her hair back into a professional ponytail, clad in her concert blacks. She was trying to calm down; she knew there was no reason to stress or be this nervous, but she couldn’t seem to stop.

  It was the first official concert of the season. Her palms were sweating and her face was rotating between ice hot and flushed cold. She groaned and wiped her upper lip clean, knowing there would be a gross sheen of sweat across it.

  Kate was sure she was going to vomit.

  That happened to her sometimes; too much stress and suddenly she turned into Linda Blair. It was humiliating to be that girl, the one throwing up in the concert hall bathroom.

  Why had she come so early? She would time her arrival for their next concert so that she could walk in and right out on stage. These nerves were killing her. She could hear the audience chattering away, happily calling to friends and other regular attendees as she stood waiting in the wings, trying not to look out to see just how big the house was.

  She remembered how it had felt to stand in the sea of red seats, how small she had felt, how from the house floor she had barely been able to see the top balcony. Her stomach started to cramp, making her moan into her hands a little.

  “Buck up, Flynn. You’ll be fine, chica.”

  Kate just frowned.

  “Hey, gorgeous, what it do?” Ash asked, wrapping her arms around Kate’s waist. “You all pissy because I’ve been MIA?”

  Kate’s frown grew, not sure how to answer that. Was she pissy? That seemed like something you called a teenager or a cat that had just come from the vet, not a grown woman who had a legitimate thing she wanted to talk to someone about.

  Ash continued. “Hey, baby girl, I’m sorry about that, all right? I had a broham come into town, and I got distracted. I missed you, though. Every time I was free enough to text you I didn’t because it was late and I didn’t want to wake Max.” She poked Kate in the side a little. “That’s what you want, right? You want me to pay more attention to him, right? See, I was thinking of him.”

  Kate tried for a smile and gave Ash something more like a grimace. She didn’t have time to think about all of this now.

  “Aw,” Ash cooed, pushing her hair out of her face. “You’re nervous.” Ash grinned, biting her lip like Kate’s nerves were delicious. “That’s so cute.”

  “What? That I’m about to lose my dinner?” Kate grumbled, pushing Ash away. “Give me some space, will you?”

  She gave her cheek a quick peck. “Breathe. You’re allowed to be nervous, crazy.”

  Kate took a few deep breaths, but it was futile; her heart insisted on doing the tango. It didn’t help that just as she got in a good, deep breath, the telltale sound of clicking heels started from behind her.

  She looked up fast, forgetting for a moment to play it cool and casual, far too excited to see her friends.

  She had thought that she would be lonely in Ash’s absence, but she hadn’t been. There had been Charlie and there had been Vivian.

  Her smile faded a little when Vivian blew by her, deep in an argument with another board member, Charlie’s hands flying.

  Kate didn’t notice that, which said something, because everyone else had turned to watch the two pairs of hands move. She was too busy doing her best not to stare, but not at the signing. In honor of the first concert of the season, and all the hands she would most likely shake before the night was through, Vivian had stepped up her business casual game. She wore a
long, tight, single-strapped black dress that trailed all the way to the floor. A high slit up one side exposed a toned and highly distracting heeled calf. Charlie had even given up her jeans and comfortable shoes for a long, impressive blue number.

  Kate blinked, momentarily dumb; a little intimidated by the sight of them. It was rare that she felt like she understood the constant trepidation the other musicians had about the duo, but right now it was perfectly understandable.

  “Have you ever noticed how happy she looks when she’s yelling at someone?”

  “What? Oh.” She laughed a little. “I guess so.”

  It was true: while Vivian was forbiddingly intimidating, there was also an underlying, fierce joy in her eyes, as if she would like nothing more than to rip the still beating heart out of this man’s chest. It made Vivian seem scarier – to those who didn’t know her.

  Kate knew that she didn’t really know Vivian, not as much as she wanted to, but she had seen her softer side. She had seen her face as they talked that day in the park, as Vivian had grown nervous and almost shy that first night at the Bean; she had seen her sadness when she hadn’t been able to hear that forlorn trumpet and her hunger as Kate did her best to describe it. Between that and their weeks of texting, Kate was sure that her coworkers at WCCE were totally wrong. Vivian wasn’t what they thought she was.

  She caught Charlie’s eye, and they shared a quick smile.

  Kate felt like a child on the playground watching the popular girls, hoping that one day she could play with them. It was silly, but try as she might, she couldn’t help the feeling. She tried to force her hands into her pockets and was thwarted. She always thrust her hands into her pockets, or possibly hung them off the back when she was nervous, and right now, well, she could use some pockets. She tried to cross her arms, but that wasn’t as satisfying. Awkwardly, she popped her neck and just let her hands drop, not knowing what to do with them, her eyes shifting covertly back to Vivian and down, down, down, settling on that heeled calf.

  Ash let out a low whistle, making Kate flinch and look away. “Gotta say, she might be a total bitch, not in a fun way or anything, but dayum, she’s wicked hot.”

  Kate just stared back at Ash blankly until Ash frowned.

  “What?”

  Not wanting to go into all of the ways that Ash’s words had been offensive, she just shook her head. She closed her eyes, reaching for that place of meditation, the mental state she liked to be in whenever she walked onto the stage. Calm. Cool. Ready.

  “What? Are you okay?”

  “Yes!” she snapped.

  Ash looked offended as she mumbled “Whatever” and went to unwrap her bass.

  Instantly Kate felt bad. She hadn’t meant to snap. “I’m sorry, Ash.”

  “Look, you wanna be all salty and whatever then fine, but don’t fuckin’ come at me with it, okay? Chill.”

  “I just said I was sorry,” Kate scoffed. “Would you like a written apology letter? I’m sorry I snapped.”

  She watched as the hardness in Ash’s eyes melted. “It’s all right.” She gave her ponytail a little pull. “Let’s blame the nerves.”

  The touch had been embarrassingly demeaning, and it exacerbated her ire. “Look, I need to talk to you. Can we talk after this? Or maybe tomorrow?”

  Ash smirked. “Hells yeah, sexy. We need some catch-up time.”

  Kate opened her mouth to protest that but changed her mind. The more she pushed, the more Ash would insist on a full-blown fight right now. Instead, she let her kiss her cheek and then grudgingly accepted a high five and fist bump before Ash started out to warm up.

  She watched her go, amazed and envious at how easily she stepped onto the well-lit stage and took her seat. Half the musicians were already out there, warming up before the concert started. The thought made Kate shudder; she had never been that person.

  She began to stretch, popping her back and her neck, massaging her arms and hands. Without permission, her eyes flicked up quickly and back to Vivian, who was still arguing with the board member. Could she simply go over and say hello? She didn’t want to be weird, to assume a friendship where there wasn’t a real one. She wasn’t sure. She had never been very good at making friends, and she wasn’t sure that she really knew how to do it now.

  Kate yelped as, her eyes busy, she went to grab her water bottle and nearly tripped over nothing. She caught herself just in time and stumbled back to her place beside the stage door, groaning internally. She really needed to relax before she broke something… like her face.

  She crossed her arms and leaned against the wall, trying not to feel like everyone was watching her after her less than graceful trip.

  She hadn’t even realized that she was watching Vivian again, not until her throat closed like a fist had come down on it hard. Vivian’s eyes had bounced to Kate’s. It was only a moment before they snapped away again, but Kate had seen it.

  Kate could have matched the beat of her heart and done the tango across the room. Vivian had noticed her. Maybe there really was a friendship developing between them. She hoped so. She wanted there to be.

  Someone softly tapped her shoulder, and her head whipped so fast that she nearly knocked foreheads with Charlie.

  “Jesus, Kate!”

  Hand over her heart, Kate yelped. “I’m sorry! You scared the crap out of me!”

  Charlie grinned, showing every one of her teeth. “Hi.”

  “What’s up?” Kate asked. She was beginning to realize that Charlie sometimes had no idea what personal space meant.

  “Oh! Right!” Charlie leaned in impossibly closer and whispered in Kate’s ear. “Um, we’re going out for drinks after the concert. Should we wait for you?”

  Warmth flooded through her at the assumed inclusion.

  It wasn’t “Do you want us to wait for you?” or “Do you want to come?” but “Should we wait for you?”, as though they had already assumed she would be coming.

  She laughed. “Totally.” She didn’t even have to think about it. Max would be asleep under Teresa’s care. She could just send the babysitter a quick text to let her know she would be later; something she knew would please Teresa, since the girl was always hinting that she needed more hours to buy herself a nice prom dress that year.

  When Vivian’s eyes bounced back again, Kate grinned, a clear acceptance of the invitation. Though Vivian’s face stayed cold and her eyes remained trained on the man, Kate saw one quickly drop into a wink, which she knew was for her.

  Kate flushed scarlet, pleased enough that when she picked up her cello and started on stage she barely noticed the lights or the fact that she had just walked out before the gathering audience.

  “So, Flynn.” Ash caught her just after the bows, as they stood collecting their things. “I was thinkin’ we should get a drink tonight. You know, celebrate the concert ’n’ shit. Ana and the girls are comin’ down for an opening, and you gotta join us. It went well tonight, right? I don’t know how you do it, but you always sound better than you did last time.”

  “I bet you say that to all the girls,” Kate mumbled.

  “Only if it’s true, I promise you that. This job, man …” Ash sighed. “People lie to a lot of people.” Her back straightened a bit as she gave her a cocky shrug. “Not everyone is good.”

  Kate popped her neck and both of her wrists, trying to track down Vivian and Charlie in the crowd of people milling around the enormous hall. They would probably be in the lobby by now. No doubt Vivian would be doing her job of greeting and thanking donors.

  Her hands were still shaking a bit, on a cheap high from a concert that had been nerve-wracking and wonderful. She was ready for a drink. “Um, I’m sorry, but I can’t tonight. I already agreed to go with Vivian and Charlie.”

  Ash stared at her, her eyes owlishly large for a moment before she looked away. “I see. But you said you wanted catch-up time.”

  Kate was shaking her head without much thought before Ash had finished. “No, you said
that. I said I wanted to talk.” She looked up and was startled to see Ash looking at her as though she was very dumb. “It’s not really – um – maybe another time, when we would be on our own.”

  “Yeah, okay, whatever,” Ash grumbled.

  “Sorry, maybe next—”

  “So, what? Am I, like, totally not allowed or something? Is that some new rule of Vivian’s?”

  “What?” Kate frowned. “No, of course not.” She chewed her lip again, wishing she didn’t have to answer this.

  She could just invite her, despite her plans to break up with her, and then no one would have to feel left out. Only, that was so gay to do. It was always the joke, right? Lesbians couldn’t actually break up with one another. She wasn’t gay, but she knew she counted well enough and asking to hang out with the woman she was going to break up with seemed like a lesbian joke waiting to happen.

  Besides, with the way that they all behaved around one another, Kate didn’t think that was really an option. She could only imagine how Ash would behave at a table with Vivian and Charlie, let alone how Vivian would react to her. She thought of sitting between Vivian and Ash, knowing their history and trying not to picture it throughout drinks.

  That sounded horrible.

  “Do you really think that would be a good idea?” she asked.

  Ash didn’t answer. Instead, she glared and started packing up her bass.

  “Ash,” Kate tried after a few moments of silence. “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. But listen, we need to have a talk and we can’t have it tonight so—”

  “You know what really pisses me off?” Ash jerked upright, her voice loud enough that the other musicians backstage glanced their way.

  “Ash!” she hissed.

  “You said that we were gonna hang out more, you said that we were going to hang out again, and yet, here you are, not hanging out.”

  “We just—”

  “Yeah, we went to the park,” Ash cut her off. “Which was super-duper great and everything.” Kate’s mouth dropped opened, hurt and annoyed by the sarcasm in Ash’s voice. “But that’s not really adult time, is it?”