The Loudest Silence (Part One)

by Olivia Janae

  “So, I was thinking,” Ash started, somewhere in Kate’s consciousness, far, far away.

  Kate’s mouth fell slack, an onslaught of new thoughts filling her mind as she watched Vivian, her hair bouncing, her grin wild. She imagined reaching forward and running just one hand down the side of Vivian’s twisting stomach. She thought of running her nose across her slightly glistening collarbone, feeling her hair tickle her forehead, running her hand over the back of the pulsing thigh.

  In that moment Vivian looked up and straight into Kate, as if she had known exactly where she was without even trying, her grin perking up in the corner. Biting her lip, she beckoned to Kate with one finger.

  The summons was so casual, and yet the pull was something that Kate couldn’t refuse. “Hold on a sec, be right back.” She tried to move, but Ash held her tight.

  “Where are you going?”

  “My friends and my son are calling me. Ash, what the hell, let go!”

  “I was about to ask for a dance. I was in fuckin’ the middle of it, actually.”

  “Mommy!” Max cried, running full tilt into her legs and yanking on her arm. “Come here!”

  She smiled and nodded at him, taking his hand, but Ash didn’t let go.

  “Ash! I’m going to go dance with my son,” she hissed in a whisper, trying not to draw attention to the fact that Ash wasn’t letting her arm go.

  “Can I have a dance first?”

  “No. Let go!”

  “Come on. I wanted to talk to you. I think that maybe we can work this out. How today has been, that’s totes mcgoats how things can be every day, and—”

  “Ash!”

  “Just one dance.”

  “Moooommy!” Max groaned and pulled a little harder.

  “What the fuck is this, Katie?” A few heads on this side of the pool turned, surprised by Ash’s sudden shout. “This is literally the first fuckin’ time I’ve asked, man. Are you going to spend any time with me today? Is there anything I can do to get your attention? Damn! Why am I even here?”

  Kate felt herself blushing as her anger coiled.

  Max called her again, this time his voice shaking a little. She scooped him up, trying to soothe him before he began to cry.

  “Katie.”

  Kate’s teeth ground together, furious. Stepping into Ash, her arm still stuck between them she let out a growl of her own. “Let me go.”

  Ash’s eyes popped wide in surprise. “Fine. Go.”

  “Thank you. It’s time for you to leave, Ash. I would like you to leave. Now.”

  Ash glared, her lips a thin line.

  Kate didn’t notice. She pushed a grin on her face. Putting Max back down, she danced them over to her friends, boogying with them, not at all surprised when Charlie, who had been talking with the only single dad again, joined them to complete the circle.

  “I’m sorry,” Vivian said, with a surprised shake of her head. “I didn’t mean to cause—”

  “So, are we dancing?” Kate asked. She took Max’s hand and spun him. She didn’t want to hear Vivian apologize for what was her own fault. She should have known better than to allow Ash to stay. But it was fine. She wouldn’t make a mistake like that again.

  It was easy to laugh again as Max put on a show, wiggling his butt and shaking his limbs, his face contorting to match his movements.

  Lip between her teeth, she glanced up at Vivian, watching the way her hips swayed as Max pretended to be a ballerina in the circle between them.

  She had always been a sucker for a woman who could dance well. Who would have known that Vivian would be so good at it.

  She jumped as though she had been stuck with a pin when she realized that Vivian’s eyes were on her. “I didn’t know you could dance!” she blurted, cheeks burning painfully.

  Charlie laughed beside Kate, her hair flying around her. “Oh, if you only knew.”

  “Hmm?” She looked back to Vivian and faltered, losing the beat for just a moment as she felt that look again, the look that had rocked through her at the bar. Kate could feel it even through Vivian’s sunglasses. Her stomach curled in on itself, bubbling something warm and then hot. Mind blank of everything except that look, she opened her mouth to speak.

  “Cake!”

  “You’re kidding!” Kate looked around confused as the children all ran indoors cheering. She was supposed to announce the cake. She caught Ash’s eye and frowned at her dark scowl. Ash glared back for a moment, throwing cold water over the warmth in Kate’s gut, turning it to ice. Ash’s eyes were violent as she stared, before she turned and went inside.

  “What happened?” Vivian asked, watching Max go with a laugh.

  “Cake,” Charlie laughed.

  Vivian nodded, watching Ash retreat and made the “I see” sign.

  “Didn’t you ask her to go?” Charlie whispered, as Vivian started toward the patio doors.

  “Uh, yeah,” Kate frowned, watching the kids pile inside. “Several times.” Charlie’s shoulders squared, her face set. It was clear that she was about to march in there and kick Ash out, but Kate stopped her. “Just leave it. The party is almost done. We both know she’s going to make a scene. Plus, I have something that I want to say to her.”

  The rest of the party moved quickly after that, until finally it grew too cool out for the kids to continue to swim. Soon after, parents began to gather their children to say goodbye and the party drew to a close.

  At the door, Ash came at Kate so fast she couldn’t prevent it. She wrapped herself around Kate and kissed her deeply. “I’m sorry,” Ash frowned, bowing her head to catch Kate’s averted eyes.

  “Here’s the thing, Ash. Today was my son’s birthday, and you did your best to make it about you over and over again. You weren’t even invited.”

  “I know, I know, I know,” Ash whimpered, her hands closing tightly around Kate’s biceps and pulling her close. “I’m sorry! I’m so stupid! I just – fuckin’ fuck, Katie, Max scared the shit out of me! When I saw him falling, I thought he was going to die! Like, literally dead.”

  Kate winced.

  “Come on, don’t make me go, Flynnie. I miss you.”

  “You want to stay and hang out here?” she asked, laughing a little bitterly. “Because that’s what we plan on doing.”

  Ash’s grin spread, and she lightly pawed at her. “Nope.” Her smile dropped as, with a glance around, Ash pushed them back into the corner beside the front door. “I wanna go back to your place.”

  Kate just stared for a moment, not comprehending. “Wait. You’re trying to come home with me?”

  She watched as Ash bit her lip, her thumbs rubbing over Kate’s skin, and Kate realized that was exactly what was happening.

  “Damn it, Ash!” she cried, trying to push her way out of the corner.

  “No, no, no!” Ash caught her before she could go. “Noooo, I mean, let’s go back to your place. We’ll, uh …” Ash smirked. “I dunno, play a board game with Max or something; maybe watch a movie. Ya know, whatever. Don’t stay here. Come spend that time with me instead. Don’t you wanna spend time with me? All I’ve wanted all day was some time with you. Is that really so bad? Am I really such a villain here for liking you?”

  “Right, because a movie is what you’re thinking about.”

  Ash’s smile grew lecherous. “A movie would be… nice. Come on, I’m not asking for some Netflix and chill or anything… but if something else were to happen later then it’ll be my lucky day. It don’t have to, though.”

  Kate’s eyes narrowed in disbelief, and she tried to block her as Ash kissed her jaw.

  “Come on, babe,” Ash purred.

  “Ash. I don’t want to. I want you to leave. I asked you to leave earlier and you ignored me and you know what, that’s my fault. It is. I shouldn’t have let you stay. But now it’s time for you to go.”

  “Come on, Kate!” Ash’s charm dropped into anger. “At some point—”

  Kate exploded in a whisper. “How many times are
we going to go through this? Un-fucking-believable! You’re a piece of work. Let go! Jesus!” She spun her around and softly shoved her toward the door of the elevator, but she just wouldn’t go.

  “Katie.” Ash checked to see if the coast was clear and then pulled her tightly against her, fingernails digging suggestively into Kate’s bikini clad hips, her unwelcome thigh trying to push between Kate’s.

  “Um, whoa!” Kate cried, glancing around for Max, eyes wide.

  “Kate! Come on!” Ash pulled her in closer. “Don’t you feel anything right now?”

  “I do! I feel seriously creeped out! Get off of me!”

  “How can you be this cold to me? How are you always this damn cold?”

  Kate had been struggling, pushing to get Ash’s octopus arms off of her. Now she froze, shocked and furious. “Did you just freaking call me frigid?”

  “Flynn, you’ve used every excuse in the book not to be close to me. What is it? What’s the real problem? I’m beginning to think you don’t want to do this or even be with me.” Ash’s arm snaked around her waist, drifting low on her back.

  She pushed her back. “That’s exactly what I’m saying! Are you freaking deaf?” Kate froze, her mouth slack as she ridiculed herself for that. She hadn’t meant it like that. It was just an expression, and yet Ash’s smirk grew. “Oh my god, are you kidding me?”

  “Hey, Kate.” From the floor below them, Charlie’s head appeared around the edge of the stairs. “Everything okay?” Her usually bright and warm eyes grew hard as she glared at Ash.

  “Yeah.” Kate pushed Ash back a little. “It’s fine. Thanks, Charlie. Ash was just leaving.”

  Charlie didn’t leave right away; instead she watched for a moment before she gave a small nod. “Okay.”

  Kate’s head dropped back on her neck, studying the ceiling as embarrassment washed over her.

  “Oh my god,” said Ash. “I’m a total idiot.”

  “What?” Kate asked, rubbing her temples. A headache was beginning to stab behind one of her eyes, and she wished Ash would just leave.

  “You’re fucking Charlie! Are you fucking kidding me?”

  The accusation was so obscene that at first it only confused Kate. “What?” She wasn’t sure if she had ever once thought of Charlie that way.

  “She’s not even that hot! What is it with all of the girls? God, I’m so stupid! What the fuck, Kate? For how long?”

  “Ash, you sound crazy! I don’t, ugh, I feel like I keep telling you what the deal is and you’re not listening to me. It’s not about Charlie! I’m not sleeping with Charlie! I’m not sleeping with anyone! I don’t want—”

  She choked on her words as Ash’s bold hand twisted and slid across the back of her bikini bottom.

  “Hey!” She slammed Ash back, not caring if she hurt her. Ash bounced off the wall, her grin growing. “Touch me like that again, and I’ll punch you, okay? I don’t want you to come home with me. I’m not your girlfriend, and, you know what, I don’t want anything to do with you.”

  She shoved her hard, trying to turn away. Ash wasn’t going to listen, and so she was just going to leave.

  Ash caught her before she could go anywhere, though, her fingers digging into Kate’s arm. “Ash!” Kate cried out, her skin beginning to hurt as Ash’s fingers kept moving over it. Panic began to blossom. “Please, stop touching me! Do you know what you’re doing right now? You’re not letting me leave!”

  “Kate, if you’re worried about Max, he’s busy. He’s not—”

  “Stop!” She shook her head, her hands out and pushing Ash back. She felt trapped. Her heart rate was picking up, her skin unpleasantly tingling as Ash refused to let her out of the corner. A low hum of panic was starting in her extremities, making her want to move, to pace, to run.

  Kate gulped in a deep breath, turning a little so it was her side that was to Ash instead of her front, wanting a little space. “Ash,” she said in her most level, most reasonable voice. “Last time. Can you let me out, please?”

  She was starting to have a hard time breathing. It took a great effort to reach out and cup Ash’s cheeks, but she made herself do it. She was moving on instinct at this point, desperate to have her stop touching her. “I mean it. I don’t want to be a part of this anymore, okay? You have me trapped in the corner, for god’s sake! This isn’t okay. All right?”

  Ash rolled her eyes, her smirk patronizing. “Ooookay, Kate. Come on, come here. I’m sorry, I’m being pushy.” Ash’s bottom lip popped out as her shoulders gave a playful wilt. “Can I have a hug?”

  “I don’t want to hug you, Ash!” If she couldn’t get her to move, then she was going to get forceful. She could feel it building in her, but she was an adult. She didn’t do things like that anymore.

  “Come on, just one hug. I—”

  Ash yelped like a kicked dog as she was ripped backward, away from Kate.

  Vivian was holding Ash by the tender part of her ear, pulling her the last foot toward the door. Ash yipped and shouted, stumbling as she tried to regain her footing. Vivian tossed her easily into the elevator.

  “I might have to watch that at work, but I do not have to watch that here. Not in my home, thank you,” she muttered and mashed the down button. The elevator closed with a ding before Ash had regained her balance.

  Kate knew her eyes were wide when Vivian turned on her, face set.

  She knew that what had just happened to Ash wasn’t exactly fair, but the fierce twinkle in Vivian’s eyes made her laugh, warmth spreading through her chest. “She’s going to kill me, you know.” Kate said and was surprised when she smiled. She felt… lighter. She felt a million times lighter. She felt freer. She didn’t care if Ash was going to be upset. She took a deep breath and felt cleansed.

  The scowl on Vivian’s face cracked. “Was that rude of me?”

  “Vivian, I’m willing to bet you already know whether or not that was rude.”

  Vivian’s lips twitched harder, the fire in her eyes melted into a glittering humor and an obvious pride at her deed against Ash.

  Kate couldn’t help it; she started to laugh as she reached for Vivian and pulled her into her arms for a tight hug.

  She heard Vivian gasp at the contact, but to Kate’s surprise, she returned the hug willingly and without hesitation.

  The moment Vivian’s arms closed around her, the moment that she felt Vivian’s warm hand splay across her bare back, Kate wished she hadn’t done it. Everything shifted from first gear to fourth in a sputtering, angry fury as Vivian’s face buried against her temple and then the underside of her jaw. Her skin had already felt electric with stress, and now it sparked to life again.

  She could feel every inch of contact, wildly aware of Vivian’s cheek resting against her collarbone, her hair tickling her chin, their stomachs and thighs grazing as they seemed unable to remain completely still in the embrace. Lightning crackled and sizzled. Fire roared to life, was doused and caught again. Her head swam as if she were suddenly and heavily intoxicated.

  She absolutely adored her.

  Kate released Vivian quickly, her poker face settled in place. Her thoughts rattled through her mind, telling her she was being awkward, that hugging her had been a strange thing to do.

  “Um, thank you for doing this for Max.”

  Vivian nodded, barely looking at her as she abruptly turned and headed down the stairs.

  “Vivian?” Confusion fluttered nervously as the cheer she had been filled with dropped away. Had she just gotten herself into trouble? Made her friend uncomfortable? Kate followed, her hand resting on Vivian’s arm. “Are you okay?”

  Wordlessly, Vivian stared, hidden behind her glasses.

  “Oh. You’re mad at me!” she exclaimed. “You’re mad at me. Why are you mad at me?” She was starting to realize just how tired she was.

  “Hey, Max,” she heard Charlie say, “you want to show me your new basketball? The lobby is huge. We could play some one-on-one.”

  Kate watched th
e pair go, wishing she could hide behind them.

  She shouldn’t have touched her. What was she thinking? They didn’t hug. They had never hugged before.

  “Look, Vivian, I’m sorry about Ash. It won’t happen again. Really.” She sighed, knowing that wasn’t why Vivian was upset, not really. She squirmed as she dredged up things unsaid. “I shouldn’t have hugged you like that, I’m sorry. I’m sure it, uh, you know, made you uncomfortable and—”

  Vivian shrugged.

  “Vivian!” Kate caught her arm as she turned away again. “Why are you so mad at me?”

  Vivian studied her for a moment before deciding to speak. “I’m not mad at you! I’m frustrated with you, Kate!” The words came out of her mouth harsh and quick as if she had wanted to yell them for a very long time.

  “What? Um, why?”

  Vivian put some distance between them, her hands on her hips. “I cannot for the life of me understand why you’re choosing to be this girl!” she exploded, gesticulating wildly. “You’re not this girl, Kate!”

  “What girl?” Her eyes had blown wide in surprise.

  “The girl who dates a woman because, what? She’s attractive? Because other women want her? Because you are lonely? I just do not understand why you’re seeing her. You don’t even like Ashley… romantically or socially.”

  “Whoa, wait, who said that is true?”

  Vivian scoffed, her arms crossing over her chest, challenging Kate to prove her wrong.

  “She’s a good person, Vivian! I stuck with it because she deserved a chance! Everyone deserves a fair chance! I don’t just give up on people like that! But it’s already over! You’re mad at me, but it’s over! We’re broken up! Not that there was really enough of a… thing… to equal a breakup.”

  Vivian didn’t seem to see her words. She continued over Kate’s protests. “And how many chances is she going to get? I’m sure she’s past her second. I’ve watched her disappoint you over and over again, Kate, and yet you trudge on as though you owe it to her to see it through. Also, if she deserves such a chance, then why aren’t you giving it to her instead of being here with me? Why aren’t you spending the evening with her? Why aren’t you out at night with her instead of at home texting me? Kate! You’re at home texting me! It’s absurd, Kate. She just had you locked in the corner! You don’t like her. And you definitely don’t want her! Not in the way she wants you, anyway. Though, I must say, even the way she wants you is only as a prize, not for who you are.”