The Loudest Silence (Part One)

by Olivia Janae

  Kate grinned as Vivian laughed at Max’s enthusiasm, her eyes alight, her smile wide. She was so beautiful standing there. Kate remembered her tears from the night before and, heart warm, she pulled her arm back, aiming for the dry woman, wanting to pull her into their excitement.

  “Hey!” Vivian yelled, a finger out in warning. “Don’t you dare!”

  Teeth between her lip, she and Max exchanged mischievous grins and pummeled her with frosty snowballs.

  Vivian screamed, trying to escape inside, but Kate caught her around the waist and tossed her up over her shoulder before, with a thunk, she dropped her into the largest snow pile. Max cheered, jumping up and down, lobbing snow at both women, his feet dancing as he tried to stand barefoot on the snowdrifts.

  Kate bit her lip, delighted with the coating of white in Vivian’s hair, with the fact that she was there. She watched Vivian shake her head and give a huff, blowing her hair off of her forehead.

  “You’re fired, Ms. Flynn.”

  Kate gave a blissful laugh that was cut off as one of Max’s snowballs collided with her head. “Why, you little!” She grabbed Vivian, using her as a human shield before they turned on him, pitching a few snowballs from their hiding spot behind the lawn furniture and stealing a passionate kiss when Max was busy gathering ammo, Vivian’s icy fingers clutching Kate’s face to hers until another snowball hit them.

  It wasn’t until their hair was wet and Max’s lips were developing a blue tint that Vivian insisted in her strictest voice that both of the children march their butts inside this instant before they all froze.

  Each changed and wrapped themselves in a blanket before meeting wide-eyed at the window of the guest room. The view from there was exquisite, sweeping over downtown Chicago. Everything had been covered in a thick, white blanket, making the usually dirty and dark city seem almost magical.

  “It’s so pretty, Mommy,” Max said burrowing under his mother’s blanket. Kate nodded and took Vivian into her arms on the other side. “It really is.”

  She kissed Vivian’s temple and then the top of Max’s head, warmth radiating through her. She kissed Vivian’s temple again, watching her animated face as she looked out to the world below. Kate had gotten so lucky. Deciding to be with Vivian was one of the wisest decisions she had ever made. She smiled and looked back out, feeling Vivian scoot in a little closer.

  She sighed. With the two pressed into her like this, cuddling close, she was utterly content. “Our very first Chicago snow.”

  21

  “You want to come with me to an all-deaf dinner?” Vivian deadpanned. “You do understand, Kate, that almost everyone else there will be deaf, correct? I’ve been told that can be quite intimidating – hard, even.”

  “Why would I care that it’s all deaf? I just want to meet your friends.” Kate tossed her arms over the face of her cello. She had stayed behind after their afternoon rehearsal, stretching and popping, working through the new music they had been given. She hadn’t expected Vivian to show up, and yet she was pleased she had.

  Vivian rolled her eyes, her heels clicking loudly on the stage as she pulled up one of the thickly padded stage chairs and sat, crossing one leg over the other. “But I haven’t seen most of them since I was at Gallaudet, Kate.”

  “Well, that wasn’t that long ago!”

  Vivian laughed, tossing her head a little. “It has been a good eleven years since I finished my undergraduate degree! It’s silly.”

  Kate rolled her eyes right back.

  She had seen the Gallaudet flag hanging over Vivian’s computer in her office, along with a flag from Northwestern and the University of Chicago. She had recognized the latter two since they were local, highly prestigious schools, but being unfamiliar with the first, she had asked about it.

  Vivian’s eyes had boggled; surprised that someone could have gone their entire life without hearing of the school. Hips swaggering with pride for her alma mater, she had said, “Think of it as Harvard for the deaf.” Vivian denied it, but it was clear the school meant a great deal to her. She was a generous donor and attended many alumni events. When asked, she simply said that Gallaudet had been her first experience of living in a community of people who had been like her.

  “Why is it silly that I want to go?”

  “I don’t know, exactly. Perhaps because the main reason I am going to this dinner is because I feel as though I have to.”

  “And you don’t want a date?” Kate stood, setting her cello down and wrapping her arms around Vivian’s shoulders. “You don’t want to show me off?”

  Vivian quirked her eyebrow, her hands carefully grasping Kate’s hips. Kate smirked as Vivian pushed, and suddenly it was Vivian who was in her lap. “Actually, that does sound rather nice.”

  “You know, all we need is someone to walk in right now.”

  Amused, Vivian looked around the stage. “This has always been a fantasy of mine.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  Vivian grinned, but her eyes were pulling back to the fly lines above them. “I think it’s time to remind maintenance that they are supposed to clean these curtains.”

  “Hey.” Kate poked her in the nose. “You’re in my lap.”

  “Oh yes.” Vivian’s grin stretched wide. “What was I thinking, allowing myself to be distracted?”

  “That’s right, lady.” Kate laughed, only to choke on it when Vivian leaned down and carefully bit Kate’s bottom lip.

  “All right, if you insist. There’s no need to dress up, since we’re just going to a Chinese restaurant.”

  “Right,” Kate croaked as Vivian stood. She cleared her throat and tried to stop her rapidly beating heart.

  “I have a meeting soon. Would you like to come up, and we can get dinner afterward? The meeting should be somewhat short. It’s just a check-in with Hilary.”

  Kate looked up fast, her nerves suddenly tight. “Hilary Ajam?”

  “Indeed.”

  Her face must have shown her sudden worry because Vivian gave a gentle laugh. “Don’t worry too much. I assure you it’s routine.”

  “Sure. Uh, yeah.” Kate stood, wondering if Vivian would protest to her dragging her into the wings.

  Vivian sighed, looking around the huge room. “I do love this hall.”

  “Yeah. It’s a good one,” Kate muttered, knowing Vivian wasn’t looking.

  They took the short walk to Vivian’s office hand in hand, chatting lightly about memories from school. It was nice. Since the night after Jacqueline’s, something had changed. They shared things in a way they hadn’t before.

  Vivian was still chatting about the time that Charlie was dating the dean’s son as they entered.

  Kate was oddly nervous as they rode the elevator up to the correct floor. It was strange meeting the person you had replaced, someone whose bad luck had been your own gain.

  She wasn’t sure what to say.

  The elevator gave a ding, and absently, her hands still moving, Vivian started out, chattering happily.

  “Anyway, you would think that Charlie would learn her lesson.”

  Kate gave a withered smile and nod.

  “Hey!” Charlie grinned the moment they walked through the lobby doors. “I didn’t know you were coming.”

  “Hey, Char.”

  “Viv, your appointment is here.”

  “I see that.” Kate watched as Vivian smiled, her hand outstretched.

  Hilary rose, a smile on her face.

  She was pretty. Kate had known that a bit, her headshot had been everywhere when she first arrived, but still, it surprised her that Hilary was so delicately pretty.

  “How are you? Oh, Ms. Ajam, this is Katelyn Flynn. I don’t think you have met.”

  Kate flinched, worried that maybe Hilary would be angry at her presence, but instead Hilary’s face lit up. “Oh, that’s perfect! Hi!” Awkwardly, she shook Kate’s hand, using the hand that had not been her dominant one before the accident.

  “Hi. It’s nice to fina
lly meet you. How are you feeling?” She had heard that Hilary had been pretty banged up, but she looked pretty good.

  “Great!” Hilary gushed. “As a matter of fact, that’s why I’m here. And now I can tell you both at once! I’m ready! I think I can come back next season.”

  Kate’s mouth hung open; she wasn’t sure what to say.

  “Look!” Hilary delicately pulled her arm out of the brace and rotated the wrist. “The PT is going well, and we have the off-season break coming up after Christmas, so I think I can make it.”

  Kate’s throat gave an uncomfortable click as she tried to swallow, everything suddenly dry.

  This couldn’t be real. There was no way. No way at all that Hilary’s doctors would let her come back. She wanted to laugh with relief, her suddenly aching shoulders slumping. There was no way.

  Only, when she looked up, ready to share a look of commiseration with Vivian, the look she saw wiped her ease away at once.

  Vivian’s wide eyes were trained on Kate, and there, open and honest, was shock… and panic.

  It turned out the Gallaudet Alumni Association did not just commandeer a large corner of the restaurant, they had completely rented the space out.

  Vivian stopped just outside of the door and took a deep breath. “Are you sure you’re ready for this?”

  Kate kissed the top of her hand. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

  Vivian’s eyes lingered for a moment, and though her lips pursed, she said nothing. They both knew that Kate had been a little bit of a mess since Hilary’s announcement. To top it off, they both knew this was something they hadn’t done before. An all-deaf event was a new step.

  The moment they walked in together, Kate finally understood Vivian’s hesitance at having Kate join her in the first place. Her eyes popped wide, and she had to blink a few times to get used to the sight in front of her, of all the hands. As soon as the doors closed, a sudden sea of them came flying in their direction, swarming like excited bees.

  Kate recognized a few flying signs like “How are you” and so on, but for the most part, she was an English speaker in a room full of native Mandarin speakers.

  Instantly overwhelmed, she felt panic rising and sent her girlfriend an anxious glance, but Vivian had dropped Kate’s hand and was grinning exuberantly, her hands moving just as quickly as everyone else’s.

  Kate squared her jaw. She could do this. She would do this, and she would ask Charlie to double her lessons, because this not understanding thing was getting old.

  She settled herself behind Vivian, following her through the crowd, watching for her name sign and thankful that Vivian always introduced the other person using her voice. There were so many people, and Kate could feel her mind grinding to a halt. Sign language felt so complicated for her. She hadn’t progressed to being able to respond well, opting instead to speak back to Vivian’s sign, but she usually understood it pretty well, assuming the speaker signed slowly. Now, however, with so many speeding hands, her comprehension level dropped to zero.

  Vivian was obviously excited as she pulled her over to a tall strawberry blonde and signed as she said, “Kate, this is my college roommate, Kristen. Kristen, this is Kate, my girlfriend.”

  Kristen smiled, and her hands began to race.

  Kate felt her eyes widen. ASL really could be an intimidating language. A smile snapped in place automatically, her hands coming up as though, if they were ready to sign, she might somehow pick up on anything this woman was saying.

  Vivian chuckled at Kate’s deer-in-headlights look and tapped Kristen’s shoulder, her hands moving as she said, “Voice. She’s still learning ASL.”

  Kristen nodded, only a bit grudgingly, and said… something.

  Kate blinked.

  She had absolutely no idea.

  Is that what Vivian’s voice would have sounded like if Jacqueline hadn’t forced her into speech therapy? Vivian had told her that a large part of the deaf community hated to use their voices, and she wondered if this was why.

  It wasn’t words as much as a collection of vowel sounds. Kate flushed, wishing more than anything she didn’t have to say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand.” If this was embarrassing for Kate, then it had to be embarrassing for Kristen.

  A flash of furious annoyance passed Kristen’s face, but she covered it, a moment too late, with a smile and spoke again. This time, Kate got it. “Hearing?”

  “Oh, yes.” She flushed deep and hard so that even her ears burned. “Yeah, I am.” She didn’t like the way that Kristen made the word “hearing” sound like a derogatory term.

  Kristen patted Kate’s shoulder in a way that could only be seen as condescending. “Well, good for you for trying to learn.”

  Kate didn’t know if she should laugh or punch her. What she had really just said was, “Our local Mandarin is far too complex and regal for a silly hearer like yourself, but good job for trying. If you make it into the Temple of Doom I will be shocked.”

  Kate had never felt so stupid. She forced on a fake smile and shoved her hands deep in her pockets.

  She got it. Vivian had explained it to her before, how sometimes the deaf weren’t so comfortable with hearing people, how sometimes trying to force themselves into the world of the hearing made them resentful, or even cliquey. She had told her horror stories of being bullied, or people assuming she was stupid because she couldn’t hear, of people trying to take advantage. She understood. She just also felt like a “hearing asshole” right about then.

  Vivian took her around the room, passing her from swirling hands to swirling hands until Kate was dizzy, feeling like she was on a never-ending teacup ride at Disneyland. She was lost, useless… and completely invisible. People tried to talk to her, they really did, but they all quickly realized that she couldn’t understand and moved on, talking to Vivian while she stood there, feeling like an idiot.

  She was in over her head. Vivian had been right.

  Overwhelmed and needing a break, she found her way to a table and took a seat, ordering a beer from the server as she walked by.

  The room was fascinating, she thought as she looked around. While a few people made the odd sound here and there, the only concrete sound besides the occasional cough or sneeze was the strange piano versions of pop songs the restaurant had on as background noise for a group who wouldn’t notice it. She closed her eyes; it was as though the room was empty, but the moment she opened them again it was a visual explosion of hands and facial expressions.

  She smiled, amused, and took a long pull from the beer when it was handed to her. She wondered if this was what Vivian felt like when she was in a room full of hearing people. That thought made her sick. But it couldn’t be, she reasoned, Vivian was so good at communicating. She couldn’t feel as isolated as Kate felt sitting at that table and watching the tide of hands.

  She rubbed her fingers across her face. They hadn’t been there long at all, but she was exhausted.

  Across the room, she watched Vivian smile and talk, for once completely in her element, her grin lighting the seven seas. She looked comfortable in her world, and it was amazing.

  Vivian caught her eye and waved her over, calling, “What are you doing all the way over there? How can I show you off when you’re sitting by yourself?”

  Kate grinned and made her way back over.

  She slipped her arm around her and tried not to hyperventilate at the speed of the sign that was turned on her.

  “I was just talking to Orin here,” Vivian explained, when Orin was through speaking, “about the Gallaudet football team. They kicked Notre Dame’s ass this past season.”

  Kate chuckled. “Go Bison!” Vivian had been trying to include her. Kate just didn’t have the heart to tell her that it was pointless. Still, at her response, Vivian beamed and Orin, laughing, mumbled something unintelligible.

  Kate nodded, embarrassedly hoping that was the right response. She wished, above all else, that the people Vivian kept introducing her to would stop t
rying to use their voices for her benefit. Not only were most of them completely incomprehensible, but Kate felt like a jerk every single time they awkwardly cleared their throats to begin speaking, like trying to turn over a dead car.

  “Where did you go to school, Kate?” Orin finally asked, rubbing his throat like he disliked the uncomfortable sensation of speaking.

  Kate felt her hands twitch in her pockets, pulling themselves halfway out to try, to spring into action, but across the room she noticed Kristen was watching, her look cold and smug. Kate’s cheeks flushed red, and she paused, letting them fall back into her jacket pocket, self-conscious in her stage fright.

  Orin smiled, nodding her on, so, blushing, she quickly and clumsily signed, “New York University.”

  “Ah, I see!”

  Kate was about to smile, feeling less foolish under Orin’s warm gaze, when Vivian reached over and reformed her fingers, showing her that she had done the sign incorrectly and, with a bemusedly sarcastic smile, how to fix it.

  From across the room, Kate heard a loud snort as Kristen began to laugh behind her hands.

  Kate blinked at Vivian, her cheeks burning so painfully that her eyes prickled. She felt like a child being corrected by her teacher and wished that, for this one moment, Vivian would let the incorrect sign slide. She tried not to look back at Kristen, but it was impossible. She looked gleeful, as though this were the best thing she had seen in weeks.

  Kate’s hands buried themselves in her pockets, but neither Vivian nor Orin noticed, busy discussing the opposing schools.

  She had never felt more embarrassed – literally never. Still, she had no choice. Smiling a bit, she did her best to dive into the conversation, her hands firmly in her pockets.

  Instead of swimming, she sank.

  Kate stayed by her girlfriend’s side, smiling when everyone else did, chuckling when everyone else did, only understanding bits and pieces.

  The strawberry blonde across the room was thankfully occupied now, but Kate couldn’t do that again. She had looked and felt like such an idiot.