The Loudest Silence (Part One)

by Olivia Janae

  Why had Vivian done that? Why couldn’t she have waited until later?

  Kate’s eyes were still burning when her phone buzzed in her pocket. Though she knew it was rude to check your phone in a conversation, she reasoned that it could be about Max and pulled it out.

  “How’s it going?” – C

  “Vivian seems to be having a great time.” – K

  There was a pause. “My first deaf event was hard too. Actually, my first… many. Don’t worry, you’ll get there.” – C

  “Right now I don’t really feel like I will. We need to triple our lessons, Char. This is beyond. I feel like a fucking gorilla right now. This is so bad. I want a hole to open up in the ground so I can jump the fuck in.” – K

  “Okay, we can do that but don’t forget, Sign is a very hard language to learn. Cut yourself some slack.” – C

  “Nope. No way that will work on me. I can’t remember the last time I heard Vivian use her voice with Max.” – K

  “He’s a kid. That’s how it works when you’re a kid. Their minds are sponges. They’re freaks.” – C

  “Charlie …” – K

  “Cut. Yourself. Some. Slack.” – C

  “I can’t. Not with this stupid bitch who keeps following me around and laughing.” – K

  “Blonde-ish?” – C

  “Yup.” – K

  “Oh god, stay away from her.” – C

  “That’s Vivian’s old roommate and girlfriend. She always hated me. She said it was because I was rude to her, but I’m pretty sure that she just thinks that only deaf people are worth knowing. Seriously, stay away from her. She’s not going to help anything.” – C

  “Yeah, she already didn’t. Also, kind of mad at …”

  Mid-text, her peripherals picked up a subtle change around her. She looked up from the phone to see all hands in the group still, all eyes on her, waiting.

  “I’m sorry!” she cried, shoving her phone back into her pocket, yet again embarrassed.

  “I was asking,” Vivian said, through thinly pressed lips, “if you were ready to eat. Orin has invited us to his table.”

  “Oh! Thank you, Orin, yes, I’m hungry.”

  She smiled at Vivian, but for the first time in a while she only received the icy professional smile back.

  Kate’s stomach dropped.

  Things did not improve from there. She did her best to focus as they ate, refusing to ask anyone to slow their sign. Kate tried, but despite her efforts, she knew she was in deep trouble when she reached to take the bill and Vivian ignored her, paying, tight-lipped and avoiding her eyes.

  Dread filled her gut. She could smell the fight in the air like she could smell rain.

  Vivian was right. She shouldn’t have come.

  Vivian was silent on the way back to the car and the entire way home. Normally they could have light conversations if Kate was willing to sign a little, and to do it up by the steering wheel, or even to lean forward so Vivian could see her well.

  There was none of that now.

  The silence made Kate twitch, her fight-or-flight instincts ringing. She could say she was sick. She could say she had a headache and needed to go straight to bed. Except… she couldn’t. She had insisted that she needed to go to this thing, and now she needed to let Vivian know that she hadn’t hated it, plus apologize for getting caught up in her text talk with Charlie.

  When they entered the loft, Max flew into their arms, expecting and receiving a plethora of kisses before simply grinning at them as if he hadn’t seen them in months.

  “Teresa?” Vivian asked as she hung her coat in the downstairs closet. “Before you go, do you think you could take Max for a hot chocolate at that little place down the block? I know it’s his bedtime soon, but I’m sure you both could use a warm treat.”

  If Kate saw correctly, Vivian had slipped the girl some type of bill – probably for the drinks, as well as the extra task. The sight of the exchange made an unpleasant fire light in her stomach. Her cheeks grew hot, and she wondered just how much money Vivian had spent on her since they met. Her teeth ground together. She had to say something. This was getting ridiculous. She couldn’t see how Vivian didn’t understand that it bothered her, so was she doing it on purpose?

  Max looked surprised at the spontaneous treat but bundled up quickly, like if he moved fast enough then they wouldn’t change their minds. He was out the door in seconds, Kate looking after him, not really wanting him to have that much chocolate or whipped cream before bed. Then again, if she and Vivian were going to fight, as she was sure they were, then it was probably better to have him elsewhere. He wouldn’t understand.

  The moment they were gone, Kate sat with a thump on the kitchen stool, trying to swallow the humiliation of the day. She tried not to, but she couldn’t stop seeing Kristen’s face when Vivian fixed her signing; she couldn’t stop wondering just how much Vivian had given her babysitter. “Hey, so, I get that we are about to kind of go down the rabbit hole and everything, but look, can you maybe, um, stop paying my sitter for me? It’s just, uh, I don’t really need you to do it. You know?”

  Vivian glanced from Kate to her purse on the kitchen island and then toward the door, seeming confused. “I paid?”

  “Yeah,” Kate scoffed. “You did.” She grit her teeth, checking her tone. “And, um, thank you for that. Really, it’s nice of you, but please stop doing it.” It didn’t surprise her at all that Vivian had done it without even noticing.

  “Excuse me?” Vivian’s lips were tight, her eyes swirling in a way that Kate hadn’t seen since the spring.

  “Sorry. That was rude.” Kate winced. “Sorry. But yeah, really, I’m okay.”

  “My, my.” Vivian’s eyes flashed, and she mumbled, almost to herself, “You are full of surprises today.”

  Kate ran her hands through her hair. “I’m sorry about the phone thing,” she said, a little too loudly. She hated fighting, hated when a lover was angry with her, and the pressure of knowing Vivian was made Kate squirm. “That was rude. I was worried it was Teresa, and then I got distracted by my conversation with Charlie. I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.”

  “It wasn’t just that, Kate. I can’t believe your behavior tonight.”

  “Wait, what?” The softness in Vivian’s voice made the hair on Kate’s arms stand on end.

  “Before this evening, I would not have believed that being in a room full of deaf people would make you so rude.”

  “Rude? What?” She blinked, her eyes owlishly large as she tried to process that.

  “Kate, you spent the entire evening completely checked out. After a while, people simply stopped talking to you because you weren’t aware of us enough to answer!”

  “Vivian, I said I was sorry about the phone thing, I really didn’t mean to be rude but—”

  “Do you actually know how rude it is to a deaf person when someone sits on their phone during a conversation?” Vivian’s voice was rising; the fight that Kate had known was coming was beginning.

  “Wait—”

  “Imagine if someone sat with their ears plugged in the middle of a crowd of people all trying to speak to them.”

  Kate frowned. She hadn’t thought about the fact that not looking at the people speaking would come off as ignoring them. She was still getting used to the rules for this new community she had spent virtually no time in. “Vivian, I’m sorry about that. I didn’t think about it that way, but—”

  Vivian held up a hand to silence her, fury etched into her face. “I know. You couldn’t understand them.”

  Kate paused, confused as to why Vivian was angry if she knew that Kate had been struggling. “Well, no, actually, I couldn’t. I feel like I only have the most basic words down, and they all signed so fast and, ugh, fucking Kristen—”

  “Did you know that Orin invited us for cocktails tomorrow night?”

  “He did?”

  “Yes, and he suggested I bring an interpreter,” Vivian snipped, leaning heavily aga
inst the counter.

  “What? Why would you need an interpreter in a room full of—” She abruptly stopped. “Oh… oh god, he meant for me, didn’t he?”

  “Yes, he did.”

  “Shit. That’s, uh, that’s really bad.”

  “Kate, you didn’t even try.”

  “Wait, what?”

  “You didn’t even try to sign or to keep up. You just saw that it was hard, and you checked out. I understand you have things on your mind, but this is ridiculous.”

  “Hey, this isn’t about Hilary! What do you mean I didn’t try? I tried all freaking night. I have a killer headache because I was trying so hard.”

  “To do what? Daydream?” Vivian spat, her hands coming down rather hard on the kitchen island.

  “Vivian! Come on! I’m sorry if I zoned out a few times, but it isn’t fair to say I didn’t try. God, and the one time I did try, you—”

  “You didn’t try, Kate! You didn’t try to communicate at all. Everyone there would have understood that you are a new signer. They would not have had any problem; as a matter of fact,” she said, her voice rising, “they would have tried to help you, but you never even tried to speak their language – to speak my language!” Vivian was yelling, and Kate was in an aggravated state of shock.

  “You’re selling me really short here! That is so not true! Not at all! I did try! Remember? I did sign, and the one time I did, your old fucking roommate laughed at me for, like, ten minutes, and you had to point out that I had done it wrong! You’re making it sound like I don’t want to speak your language, which isn’t true!”

  “Isn’t it?” Vivian glared, icing over.

  “No! If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be trying to learn! I know it’s been kind of slow, but how else can I show that I want to, besides what I did?”

  “By signing, Kate, by signing!”

  “You mean by making a complete fool of myself in front of half of your graduating class?” she fired back. “You mean by having Kristen follow me around all night snickering? By making myself look like a complete idiot – and you, by the way, for dating the idiot.” They had never fought before, not like this anyway, and it was uncomfortable. Kate didn’t like it, and yet she couldn’t stop responding, her stubborn sense of injustice pushing her forward.

  “Maybe! What’s wrong with that? Isn’t that how you learn? You try, and you fail. You try, and you make a fool out of yourself. You were safe in that environment to do that.”

  “Why do you keep ignoring me when I say that Kristen was literally following me around just so she could laugh at me?” Kate was yelling now, too. This wasn’t fair at all. “You’re only seeing what you want to see! You’re not listening to me!”

  “Oh yes, Kate, because I wanted tonight to go how it did. I’m sorry about Kristen, she’s always been an elitist cunt, but that is no excuse. You could have talked to me. You were safe with me, but you did nothing.”

  “Oh bullshit, Vivian!” She sarcastically laughed. “You jumped at the chance to point out that I had done it wrong! You made me look like an ass!”

  “You looked like an ass anyway, Kate, standing there and not even trying to communicate. You made me look like an ass.”

  “That is not fair, Vivian! I tried so hard to keep up. I’m sorry I didn’t try to sign after that one totally embarrassing time. I’m new to this! And frankly, I didn’t think anyone would have the patience for my craptastic signing. I was embarrassed, okay? You basically pointed out to everyone how fucking bad I am! And I won’t do that again, but—” Kate groaned as Vivian cut her off again.

  “And what should I have done, Kate? The sign was wrong!”

  “Literally anything but what you did!”

  “That is just a juvenile excuse from a child, Kate!”

  “No, it’s not!” She stood and paced because that felt better. “I said I’m sorry that I began to daydream a few times, but it wasn’t because I didn’t care, you have to understand that. It’s scary going into a situation like that, and Jesus, I felt terrible – especially when people tried to use their voices for me. You’ve made it clear how much people hate to do it, and yet you kept telling them to, over and over again. I felt like such an asshole, and then when people did their best to use their voices for me, I couldn’t understand them half the time anyway. It’s not like they are used to trying to communicate!”

  Vivian folded her arms around her stomach, looking violent, her eyes dancing with angry fire. Kate knew she had said that wrong.

  “In that way!” she tried to tack on, but it was too late. “That came out wrong. No, Vivian—”

  Vivian turned to get a glass of water, cutting Kate off entirely.

  Kate stomped on the wood floor. “How the hell am I supposed to talk to you when your back is turned?” She wanted to throw something at her, to yank her around, something to get her to stop cutting her off like this. She stomped around the island and stood directly in front of Vivian. “You’re not being fair.”

  Vivian sighed, not paying attention to her. “I’m tired, I want to go to bed early. I think you should stay at your apartment tonight.”

  “Vivian!”

  “No, Kate.” Vivian held up a dismissive hand, brushing her off as easily as a fleck of dust. “I don’t need this in my life. I already have enough people who refuse to communicate” – her lips curled up in a snarl – “as you say. I don’t need that type of lover.” She turned her back to Kate again, completely dismissing her, and started up the stairs to her bedroom.

  Kate watched her go, dumbfounded, her anger building. She took two steps to start after her, ready to inform her of just how stupid she was being about this, ready to insist that Vivian was refusing to acknowledge anything that Kate was saying, but stopped, changing her mind. “Fuck this.”

  She was not going to beg to be heard. She had been kicked out, so she was sure as hell going to go. She didn’t stay where she wasn’t wanted. She’d had enough of that in her life. She didn’t need more of it. Vivian wanted to assume she was just some asshole who didn’t want to sign? Fine. She wanted to assume that Kate didn’t care? Fine. That was her stupid choice.

  She threw her jacket back on, gathering all of Max’s belongings at a manic pace, all the while listening for Vivian.

  There was only silence from upstairs.

  She grumbled as she gathered the things, and when she had everything, she didn’t stop, she didn’t think twice before taking the stairs two at a time and slamming angrily into the elevator. She jabbed the button hard enough to make her yelp.

  It wasn’t until the doors fully closed that a flash of hurt washed over her. She had been sure Vivian wouldn’t actually let her go.

  “Did you guys have a fight?”

  Kate clicked her tongue as she and Max walked hand in hand to the train. “What makes you say that?”

  “I don’t know. You did?” He was staring up at her, daring her to argue.

  Kate sighed. “You know, sometimes, kid, you’re wise beyond your years.”

  Max just shrugged. “I know.”

  He had nearly thrown another fit in the middle of the café when he heard they were going home. Something in Kate’s eye, though, had made him staunch the flow before it could really start. Now he was just staring at her expectantly, as if she was supposed to tell him every little detail.

  “Well, won’t it be nice to sleep in your room tonight?”

  He huffed, as if she was missing an obvious point. “Mommy! I have been sleeping in my room!”

  Kate scowled.

  The apartment felt cold, drafty, and very empty when they entered. Vivian’s apartment always smelled like vanilla, Chanel No. 5, and something spicy and warm. This entirely Kate and Max scent that had always been a sign of home suddenly felt foreign. It was silly, they were there all the time, but now that Kate knew they were there to stay, the place had a whole new feel to it. There was an absence. They shifted uncomfortably just inside the door before throwing forced smiles at one anot
her and stepping inside.

  “Okay, kid,” Kate said, with bravado in her voice, “it’s past your bedtime. Teeth and hair brushed.”

  “Okay, Mommy.” He headed to the bathroom but stopped halfway there, turning and settling his big puppy dog eyes on her. “‘Viv’n tomorrow? Like she said?”

  Kate sighed, wishing Vivian hadn’t told him that. She shook her head. “I don’t think so, kid. I’m sorry.”

  Relationships were such baffling things – here one moment and gone the next. Why had she even bothered? She had thought she and Vivian had something. They had. Still, one mistake and she and Max had been thrown in the trash, unceremoniously kicked out. They had been fine five hours before – happy, even – and yet that clearly meant nothing. Vivian had, apparently, not cared for them enough to behave any other way. A sick feeling crept over her, smothering her as she wondered why that surprised her. A feeling was boiling under her skin, an old familiar feeling that said she was defective in so many ways. Unwantable.

  She stood in the middle of her empty and dark living room, feeling fully alone for the first time in weeks. Not only did she have no one – and wanted no one besides Vivian and Charlie – but, just like always, she had been given the rude reminder that this was how life was always supposed to be. Kate wasn’t meant to have someone; she never had been. Being alone had been Kate’s lot in life for as long as she could remember.

  She could fight it. She could go back over there and insist that Vivian listen, but why fight the inevitable?

  She looked around her living room, her heart aching. Now what?

  22

  “Come out with me.” – C

  “Absolutely fucking not.” – K

  “Come. Out. With. Me.” – C

  “Yeah, because I’m sure that would go over so well. Sorry, Viv, I was busy going out with your ex.” – K

  “Oh my god, you guys are NOT exes.” – C

  “Sure we are. No point in prolonging the inevitable. She dumped me.” – K

  “She did not dump you.” – C