All We Never Knew

by Elena Aitken

  The family of two.

  “You and me, buddy,” she said aloud. Sabrina had never been one to talk to herself, thinking it was for slightly off center, lonely people. But it wasn’t really talking to yourself if she was talking to her unborn baby, was it? She shrugged. “We’ve totally got this, baby.”

  Downstairs in the kitchen, Sabrina contemplated the stack of baby name books on the counter. She’d bought them all in a fit of excitement after finding out she was having a boy. She hadn’t even really wanted to find out the sex, but lying on the table at her routine appointment, the question just popped out before she could think it through.

  “Can you see the sex?” she’d asked Doctor Martinez.

  “I can.” She’d moved the wand around Sabrina’s belly. “Did you want to know?”

  She knew why the doctor was asking. At her last ultrasound appointment, Sabrina had made a big deal about not finding out and experiencing one of life’s greatest surprises. But, wasn’t just being pregnant a big enough surprise? “I do,” she said. “Is it a boy or a girl?”

  Doctor Martinez’s lips twitched up into a smile. “Most definitely you’re having a little boy. Congratulations.”

  A boy.

  Her head rolled away from the screen where Doctor Martinez had been pointing out the defining feature of her baby’s sex and she stared at the ceiling.

  A boy?

  She’d been so sure she was having a girl. And for no reason other than the fact that the only baby she’d ever really had any experience with had been Rylee.

  But a boy?

  “Wow. A boy.”

  “Definitely a boy,” Doctor Martinez said. “Congratulations.”

  She’d gone straight to the bookstore and bought baby name books, even though she knew right away what his name would be. She couldn’t bring herself to say it out loud yet, though. Somehow it didn’t feel right until she was holding him.

  With a whole day stretching out ahead of her, Sabrina worked hard to keep thoughts of Maren and the fight they’d had out of her head. It wouldn’t do any good to dwell in it or relive it. Instead, she threw herself into the never ending list of chores she had to finish before the baby actually arrived. A date that was getting much closer.

  She started with the purchases she’d made the night before. Sabrina retrieved them from the heap by the front door where she’d dropped them and took them up to the spare room that she’d recently cleared out to become the nursery. One by one, she pulled out tiny onesies and sweaters and impossibly tiny jeans out of the bags, clipped the tags and put them in a pile to wash. Eventually she got to a different bag. The one Maren had thrown at her.

  Slowly, Sabrina pulled the tiny jean jacket out of the bag. It was so cute and absolutely perfect.

  Sadness and regret overwhelmed her, and she slid to the carpet, still clutching the jacket. This was supposed to be her time. Maren had her baby. But even though she was so mad, Sabrina couldn’t help it. She wanted her best friend. She wanted her there to help her put baby clothes away, to discuss what she was still missing, and what were absolutely must haves for the nursery. Sabrina’s eyes slid to the box with the crib she still hadn’t assembled. She wanted Maren there to help her with the crib.

  But she wouldn’t call. She couldn’t.

  Instead, she sent a different text.

  * * *

  Are you free today? I could really use your help.

  * * *

  The message changed to indicate the text had been read. She waited a few minutes, and then five more. Still no reply.

  * * *

  I really need to talk.

  * * *

  She knew she sounded needy, but despite the fact that she’d promised herself she’d never do this—that she’d never text the baby’s father, making demands—she couldn’t help herself. She winced as she added:

  * * *

  Please. I really need you.

  * * *

  The three little bubbles that indicated he was typing appeared for a moment before disappearing again. She waited. Still no reply.

  She could get mad. She could demand he come over and help her. She could tell him that he owed her. That despite all the things she’d said about doing it on her own and not needing or wanting him, that it was his baby, too.

  Instead, Sabrina put her phone to the side and reached for the massive cardboard box that had been delivered two weeks previously. The delivery men had been kind enough to take it all the way up the stairs for her. No doubt they felt sorry for her. Either that or they’d been looking for the twenty-dollar tip she’d happily given them.

  A few minutes later, Sabrina sat in the middle of the floor, surrounded by pieces and a twenty-page instruction booklet that might as well have been in Greek.

  Frustrated, Sabrina threw the instructions across the room and another time when she’d been frustrated with a crib flashed through her memory.

  She’d been helping Maren go through her basement. She’d decided she was finally ready to get rid of Rylee’s things, but she’d asked for emotional support so that she wouldn’t cave and keep a bunch of things she didn’t need. Sabrina had been there for hours and it was going well, too, until they decided to carry the large oak crib out of the basement. No matter what they tried, they couldn’t get it around the bend in the staircase and it kept getting hung up. After twenty minutes of trying, they’d given it up and taken it back into the storage room for Davis to deal with later.

  “Are you sure you’re done?” Sabrina had asked Maren as they opened another tote full of tiny clothes. “I mean, Rylee is pretty great.” She held up an impossibly tiny snowsuit she remembered Rylee wearing when she was an infant. “And this stuff is adorable.”

  “She is great.” Maren laughed. “And that is cute. But I’m sure. No more kiddos for us.”

  “You’re sure sure?”

  Maren nodded. “I’m sure sure. Don’t get me wrong, I love Rylee and she’s my entire world, but she’s growing up so fast and can you imagine such a big age gap? It would be like starting over and totally not fair for either of them to have a sibling so much older or younger.” She shook her head a little sadly. “Nope. That ship has sailed.”

  That had been four years ago. Rylee had been twelve. She was about to turn sixteen.

  The age difference between Maren’s children struck Sabrina for the first time.

  There would be more than sixteen years between her children. A huge age gap.

  Again, Sabrina remembered the way Maren had sorted Rylee’s tiny clothes, her toys, and all of the bits and bobs needed to raise a baby. She’d packed almost everything up and set it out for charity to pick up.

  She hadn’t planned to have more children. At all.

  Which meant only one thing…

  Maren hadn’t meant to get pregnant. It had been an accident.

  Her best friend’s pregnancy had nothing to do with her. Which meant, she’d been a total bitch.

  Sabrina heaved herself up off the floor and surveyed the wreckage that was supposed to become her baby’s crib. She reached for her phone.

  No unread text messages.

  He hadn’t responded.

  With a flicker of disgust at herself for being so needy, she reread the last message she’d sent and with a cringe, looked away.

  What the hell was going on with her? She didn’t even recognize herself.

  If Maren’s pregnancy was actually unplanned, she’d be scared and upset and she’d need her best friend.

  But if Sabrina’s first instinct had been right, and it was planned…

  Then she could go to hell.

  She shook her head and looked back at her phone and the unanswered text, everything once more coming to a head. Quickly, she typed one more message.

  * * *

  By the way. It’s a boy.

  Maren

  She didn’t know how long she sat that way, but Maren didn’t move a muscle until the tears slowed and finally stopped. And when they
did, she sat back, wiped her face with the back of her hands, and let out a breath. “You got this,” she said and then promptly laughed at herself for being so ridiculous. Rylee would never let her forget it if she caught her mom talking to herself.

  But Rylee wasn’t there.

  Rylee wasn’t there.

  The thought of Rylee walking in on her while she lost control smacked Maren in the face. She should know better than to lose control like that when her daughter could come in at any moment. Rylee was confused enough. She didn’t need her mother adding to it by being an emotional wreck.

  With a fresh resolve, spurred by the need to protect her child from more distress, Maren reached for a waffle and tore a piece off. The last thing she wanted to do was eat, but like it or not, she wasn’t just thinking about herself anymore.

  Immediately, resentment sparked in her. How could something so small change so much?

  But what if it didn’t have to change everything?

  The thought came so quickly, it shook her with the force of its impact and what it would mean. Could mean, she quickly corrected her thoughts.

  Because it wasn’t an option.

  Was it?

  After all, women ended their pregnancies all the time, for all kinds of reasons. Maybe she…if it meant keeping her family from—

  “No.” She said the word so softly, at first she wasn’t sure she’d said it out loud.

  But she had. And she meant it.

  “No,” she said again. “Never.” The waffle forgotten, she put her hands on her stomach as if she’d possibly be able to feel the life energy inside her. She couldn’t feel it yet, but it was there.

  The little spark of life growing inside her was her child. Hers and Davis’s.

  Her eyes floated to the refrigerator and a family picture of the three of them taken only a few months before. Rylee stood sandwiched between her and Davis. A product of their love. The baby inside her was the same. How could she possibly even entertain the idea of not bringing that love into this world? She couldn’t. Not even for a single second.

  It might be the right choice for some women, with their own circumstances and their own beliefs. That wasn’t for her to decide.

  But Maren knew exactly what kind of miracle their love could create. Rylee might be going through a bit of a phase, but she was absolutely perfect. And the baby, whoever he or she turned out to be, would be the same.

  Even though the timing couldn’t be worse.

  By the time the breakfast dishes were cleared up, and the mostly uneaten food wrapped and put in the fridge or tossed out, Maren felt as though she’d already lived an entire day but it wasn’t even nine in the morning. Unsettled and unsure of what to do, she showered and dressed, her stomach finally cooperating enough that she could imagine going out in public. If she had anywhere to go. The idea of going to the farmers’ market alone didn’t appeal.

  Restless and unsettled, her gaze landed on the stack of files she’d brought back from the office the night before. She’d had big plans of reviewing and preparing for her first official day as a project manager on Monday but she couldn’t bring herself to actually open any of them. It was only a week ago that she’d been so excited about the prospect of taking on her own accounts and what the promotion would mean, not only for her but for her family as well.

  She should have been diving into the files, familiarizing herself with the latest schools and community groups that had requested conceptual plans from PlayTime. She’d been dying to get her hands on an actual project. One that she could work on from the beginning. Something she could brainstorm and design, working all the components until they fit together perfectly into the space.

  It sounded so simple—designing a playground—but anyone who actually thought that had no idea of the care and consideration that went into the selection of each piece of equipment. For example, you couldn’t put a slide facing a swing set. And don’t even think about putting monkey bars above the tilty tiles. Never mind considering the major age groups that would enjoy the playground, and what types of equipment would appeal to them as well, of course, as the budget and space restrictions.

  It was all like one big jigsaw puzzle, and Maren loved fitting the pieces together.

  Despite how much she loved it, and how excited she was—or had been—to take on the projects on her own, she still couldn’t bring herself to look at the files. She could tell herself a story about how it was Saturday and she needed a little break to refresh and recharge, but she couldn’t even muster the energy to tell herself the lie.

  She couldn’t look at the files because Maren knew in her heart that she was going to have to go in on Monday and turn down the promotion.

  The thought made her stomach twist and it had nothing to do with morning sickness.

  But there wasn’t any other solution. How on earth could she take the promotion that after so many years she was finally ready for, if in only a few months, she’d be starting motherhood all over again with a brand-new baby? After all, that had been the entire reason she’d stayed on only part time at PlayTime for so many years. How could she possibly give her career her full attention with another child at home? She couldn’t.

  And she knew it.

  A sob threatened to escape from her throat but Maren clamped a hand to her mouth to stifle it. She was done crying for the day.

  The whole hormonal thing was already getting really annoying. How was she expected to get through the day if every five minutes she was bursting into tears?

  She needed to get some control.

  A flash of movement out the kitchen window caught her attention. Next door, Jessica was puttering in her garden along the side of her house.

  Perfect.

  Maren didn’t hesitate before leaving the stifling quietness of her house, and the evidence of the career she’d now never have mocking her, and headed outside.

  “Good morning.”

  Jessica jumped a little, obviously lost in her own thoughts. But when she turned and saw Maren, her smile was wide and genuine. “Hey.”

  “Gardening?”

  It was an obvious question, but Jessica loved talking about her garden. Sure enough, her neighbor started telling Maren about the early spring flowers and what her plans were for the summer flowers she’d tend to later. After a moment, she changed topics. “Are you feeling any better?”

  Maren’s face flushed. She hadn’t even thought to tell Jessica about the baby. They weren’t really the type of friend who ran to each other first thing with any kind of news. That was Sabrina for her. At least, it had been Sabrina.

  Maren shook her head at the thought of her best friend, but Jessica must have taken the action as an answer.

  “Oh no,” she said. “You’re still not well?”

  “Yes,” Maren said quickly. “I mean, no.” Flustered, Maren sighed. “Remember when you were kidding about me being pregnant?”

  If it had been any other situation, Maren would have laughed watching her neighbor’s face transform as she realized what Maren was saying. Finally, Jessica’s mouth formed a small O and she dropped her hose, causing a spurt of water to shoot up in an arc over them. Fortunately, she was able to recover quick enough to grab the hose before it managed to soak either of them. With a twist, she shut off the flow of water before once more dropping it. This time, she clasped both hands to her mouth and shook her head. “No way.”

  “Yes way.” Despite herself, Maren did laugh a little bit. Out of all the responses she’d received thus far, Jessica’s was hands down the best one. And that was saying something.

  “Oh my God, Maren. That’s…good?” She tilted her head and raised her voice in question.

  Maren only shrugged. “It’s unexpected, that’s for sure,” she answered honestly. “But I guess, it is what it is.”

  A moment later, Jessica had her arms wrapped around her in a tight hug. “This is amazing. A baby? What a blessing.”

  “I don’t know about amazing.” She twi
sted out of her grasp. “But it certainly is something.”

  Her hand went reflexively to her stomach and guilt flashed through her. Was she doing the baby an injustice by not being excited for him or her? Could the baby sense the stress and anxiety so early on? When she’d found out she was pregnant with Rylee, the excitement had been intense and immediate. There could be no doubt that Maren loved her from the moment she’d been conceived. But this baby…would her negative feelings affect the baby?

  Fortunately, she didn’t have much time to dwell on that particular line of thought because Jessica grabbed her hand and was already leading Maren to her front porch. “Tell me everything,” her friend insisted. “Have a cup of tea with me and—do you have time for a cup of tea?”

  Maren nodded. She had nothing but time.

  “Great. But let’s sit out here, okay?” Jessica glanced quickly behind her to the house. “I’ll be right back. Peppermint okay?”

  “Perfect.” Maren settled into one of the rockers Jessica kept on the covered porch. She’d always been envious of her neighbor’s well decorated and comfortable space. Maren herself had never had an eye for putting together the eclectic thrift store finds that Jessica had, making them look chic and new among the beautifully potted flowers. Whenever Maren tried it, the results looked more like a garbage pile than something that belonged in a Pinterest post.

  Maren closed her eyes and let her head rock back against the chair before opening them again. For the first time, she noticed a strange car parked on the curb out front. She laughed as she glanced back at the house and figured out why it was Jessica had wanted them to sit outside. She was still grinning and had a series of questions of her own by the time her friend reemerged with two mugs of tea.