All We Never Knew

by Elena Aitken

  There was nothing graceful or discreet about an eight-month pregnant woman getting up off the floor all by herself, but she didn’t care.

  “Sabrina?” Ariel floated over to where she was currently on all fours, trying to heave herself up to a standing position. “Do you need a potty break?”

  With a grunt, Sabrina managed to get herself to standing and push her hair off her face. “No,” was all she offered in way of an explanation before squatting to grab her bag. The blanket she’d remembered to bring could stay there, because there was no way she was going to be able to bend down far enough to retrieve it. “I just realized I needed to go.”

  Behind her, Sabrina heard Ariel saying something to the rest of the class about how important each and every session was, but she didn’t care. The most important thing at that exact moment was that she get the hell out of there before she burst into tears. Because she was afraid that once she started, she’d never be able to stop.

  Ever since the catastrophe that was Rylee’s birthday, Sabrina had done a pretty good job of keeping her tears at bay. At work, she spent her day creating special projects and training a temp who would take over when she went on maternity leave. Dr. Tommy noticed the change in her, and more than once, he tried to reach out to see whether everything was okay. But she continually pushed him away and dropped the once flirty tone from her voice. Even if she had allowed herself to entertain the idea of anything happening with him, there was no way it could now. How would he react if he knew the truth about her baby? About what a terrible person she was, to completely tear apart so many lives?

  It wasn’t until she was home alone that she had time to remember the way Maren’s face had looked when she’d walked into the kitchen and seen them standing there. In that one moment, everything they’d ever hid from Maren came to light in horrifying Technicolor. She never asked for details, but it was only a matter of time before Maren put it all together. How Sabrina and Davis had carried on a…she couldn’t call it a relationship because it wasn’t that. It was something else. Something both deeper and less important all at the same time.

  Almost like a comfort blanket.

  They turned to each other periodically over the years in moments of sadness and crisis. It was never about an affair. She hated that word. That was the word used to describe something illicit. A relationship with feelings and expectations and…that’s not what they had. Not at all.

  But how could she explain that to her best friend? Yes, it had been about love. But not romantically.

  The first time it happened, she’d just flunked out of college in her first semester. She’d spent too much time partying and not enough time studying and her parents were going to kill her. She’d been beside herself and she’d needed someone to talk her off the ledge. Maren was in the middle of her own final exams so it was Davis who came to her dorm room and tried to calm her down.

  He had.

  And one thing led to another and they’d ended up sleeping together. Afterward, they’d been almost shell-shocked that they’d let something like that happen. After all, neither of them had ever had feelings like that for the other.

  “I don’t know why that happened,” Davis said. “I’m sorry. It never should have—”

  “But it didn’t feel wrong.”

  “No.” Davis shook his head and looked at her. “I mean, I know it was wrong. But…you know I don’t have feelings for you, right?”

  “Oh my God.” Sabrina had laughed. “I know. You were just trying to make me feel better.”

  They were young and stupid, and neither of them realized that what they’d done was wrong. At least not in any type of real sense. They’d been friends for so long, it had felt natural. At least that’s how they’d managed to convince themselves that what they’d just done wasn’t terrible.

  But it was.

  And it was even more terrible when a few years later, it happened again. And then again. But each time they got together, it was because something had happened. It was almost like they needed each other to feel better about whatever awful thing had happened in their lives. At the very time they should have been turning to Maren, they were secretly, quietly, completely destroying her.

  On some level, Sabrina had always known it was wrong. She was hurting the one person in her life who would do anything for her. But on another level, she’d enjoyed their deception. It had given her a thrill that made her feel alive, and like the most terrible person on earth all at the same time.

  More than once she’d decided to put an end to it, but then years would go by and she and Davis were nothing more than friends. So it didn’t seem so necessary to come clean or to really do anything.

  And then…

  And now…

  It was too late.

  Despite the early hour, Sabrina was exhausted when she finally pulled up in front of her condo. All she wanted to do was make a cup of chamomile tea, crawl into bed, and forget exactly how much she’d messed up her life. But as she walked up the path, it was clear from the man sitting on the porch, his head dropped into his hands, that wasn’t going to happen.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “I called.”

  “I know.”

  Sabrina stepped past Davis and unlocked the door. She didn’t invite him in, but she didn’t slam the door either. He followed her inside and into the kitchen.

  “We need to talk.”

  Talk. Wasn’t that what she wanted to do before? Before all their secrets and lies came bursting out in the worst possible way at the worst possible time? “That’s exactly what I wanted to do, Davis.” She dropped her bag and spun around to face him. “I wanted to talk to Maren. I wanted to tell her the truth so she could understand that…” She waved her hand between them. “That this isn’t, wasn’t, whatever she might have thought it was.”

  “Well, it’s too late for that.” He scrubbed a hand over his face, and Sabrina noticed for the first time how exhausted he looked, as if he hadn’t slept in days. He probably hadn’t. “She knows everything and she doesn’t understand anything.”

  “Everything?”

  “Well, not all the gory details, Sabrina,” he spat at her. “I thought maybe I could spare her that at least.” She recoiled from his anger, and he immediately stepped toward her with an apology. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I don’t mean to lash out at you. I just…”

  Sabrina watched as Davis slumped into a chair at her kitchen table. Instinctively, she wanted to go to him and comfort him. But that couldn’t happen. Instead, she just stood there and stared at him until he spoke again.

  “We never should have said anything.”

  “No.” She shook her head. “We had to tell her, Davis. It was never right to keep it a secret. We couldn’t bring a baby into this world under those circumstances. It isn’t right.”

  “What about my baby?” He lifted his head. “Mine and Maren’s baby? What about him? Or her.” He shook his head again. “Fuck. What about my baby?”

  For the last few days, Sabrina had felt nothing but regret and sadness, but as Davis spoke, another emotion emerged. Boiling, red-hot anger. “Your baby?” She slammed her fist down on the counter and ignored the sharp pain that raced up her arm. “What do you mean, what about your baby?” Her hands cupped her now huge stomach. “This is your baby, Davis.” She was almost yelling, but she didn’t care. “Or did you forget that with all of our lies? This baby is your baby. And what about him?”

  “Oh my God, Sabrina.” He was up out of his seat and standing in front of her in a flash, but she didn’t want to look at him. “I’m so sorry. That’s not what I meant.” When she wouldn’t meet his eyes, he turned, walked to the wall and punched the drywall. “Fuck.”

  “Davis? What the hell?” Sabrina crossed the floor and tried to take his hand in hers. “You might have broken it.”

  “No.” He pulled it away from her grasp. “I didn’t break it.” He flexed the fingers.

  “What were you thinking
?” His aggressive outburst seemed to have broken the tension in the air and they both sat at the table. “Why did you do that?”

  “Because I don’t know what else to do. We’ve ruined everything. It’s such a mess.” He dropped his head for a moment before looking up again. “I’m sorry I said that about the baby. You know I…well, I don’t know what I feel.”

  She knew what he meant. When they’d discovered she was pregnant, they’d discussed what a baby would mean, and how they would proceed. More than anything, Sabrina wanted to be a mother. Something she didn’t even know about herself until that moment when two pink lines showed up on the stick. But of course there was no way Davis could claim the baby, not without destroying everyone’s lives—a detail that had definitely proved to be true. So they’d lied. And they’d planned to continue to lie as long as they possibly could. Hopefully forever. It was best for everyone.

  Until she’d changed her mind.

  She reached across the table and took his hand, but it felt wrong so she immediately released it. “I went to prenatal class alone tonight.”

  After a moment, he looked up at her. “You can’t expect Maren to—”

  “I don’t.” She shook her head sadly. “But I thought maybe you could—”

  “Are you serious?”

  Sabrina sat back.

  “My entire life just imploded, and you want me to start playing happy family with you?”

  “No.” She shook her head. “That’s not what I’m saying at all. I just—”

  Davis jumped up from his chair. “I never should have come here. It was a bad idea.” He looked at her with so much distaste that, for the first time in their lives, Sabrina didn’t recognize him. “All of this was a mistake. A huge mistake.” With one final shake of his head, he turned and left her alone.

  She heard the front door close, but still she stared straight ahead, Davis’s words ringing in her ears.

  Tears streamed down Sabrina’s cheeks. She may have made some terrible choices—huge, life-altering mistakes—but she refused to believe that the life growing inside her was one of them.

  Maren

  “Thank you for coming with me, Jessica. I know you had to use a day off and I really—”

  “It’s nothing.” She interrupted Maren, who had thanked her at least three times already since they’d gotten in Jessica’s car. “I already told you,” she continued. “I have more holiday days banked up than I know what to do with. Besides, I’m more than happy to go with you.” She looked over and smiled at Maren as she easily navigated the streets. “I’m glad you asked.”

  Earlier that week, Maren didn’t have any intention of asking Jessica to go with her to the appointment but as the days passed and she still hadn’t had any real conversation with Davis, she was suddenly faced with the prospect of walking into Doctor Harrison’s office for the procedure to remove her IUD and to see her baby on the ultrasound screen, while at the same time her entire life fell apart around her, and the idea seemed entirely unbearable. And what if something happened? At least if she had Jessica by her side, she might not feel completely and desperately alone.

  Which wasn’t entirely fair. Rylee had been like a different kid since their heart-to-heart the other night, and she’d been spending the evenings with Maren on the couch, catching up on all the past seasons of the shows they liked to watch together. She wasn’t entirely back to her old self, but it probably had a lot to do with the way her own life had spun out into all different kinds of new directions, too. Never mind her parents’ drama, Rylee had had sex.

  The thought still made Maren’s stomach clench into a tight knot, but ultimately she was happy Rylee had told her about it. Even if she hadn’t wanted to discuss it any further. At least she still felt she could come to her mom. Maybe she wasn’t totally failing at the parenting thing after all.

  “Even so,” Maren said to Jessica. “I am really thankful that you’re here. I honestly don’t know what I would do without you right now. And there’s something else…” It had been nagging at Maren all week. Every time Jessica called to check up on her, or popped over with a tea latte or some flowers from her garden, or some other thoughtful thing she’d seen that “just reminded me of you,” or most importantly, just sat with her on the couch while she cried about the way her life was falling apart, Maren couldn’t help but feel a little bit guilty. “You’ve been such a good friend,” she said quickly to Jessica. “And it made me realize that when you and Brent split up, I wasn’t there for you. Not the way I should have been.”

  “Don’t be silly.”

  “I’m serious, Jessica.” Maren turned as much as she could so she faced her friend. “I mean it. I had no idea how…well, how shitty it felt to have your marriage fall apart and I didn’t appreciate for one second what you must have been going through. I’m so, so sorry.”

  “Thank you.” Jessica took her eyes off the road long enough to glance over at Maren. There were tears in her eyes, but she quickly blinked them away. “That means a lot. But honestly, it’s okay. I think divorce is one of those things that you just can’t sympathize with unless you’ve been there. Right? I mean, you can feel badly for someone or wish them happiness, or any number of things. But unless you’ve walked through the fire of hell that is the breaking of a promise for forever, you just have no idea.”

  Maren nodded and sat with that for a moment. The breaking of a promise for forever.

  “But…” Jessica held up a finger. “That doesn’t mean that you’re going through a divorce,” she said quickly. “I mean, you guys are just having a tough spot but that doesn’t mean you have to end it.”

  Maren stared at her as if she’d never seen the woman before in her life. “Pardon me? Are you the same woman who kicked your husband out when you found another woman’s panties in his jacket pocket?” That was exactly what had happened. Maren remembered listening to Jessica retell the details of the discovery over and over for at least two weeks before she moved from the disbelief stage to the red-hot anger stage of divorce. She wondered which stage she was in.

  The coping with her life stage, she thought with a grunt.

  “It’s not the same thing.” Jessica shrugged, dismissing the way she’d handled things. “It’s not the same at all.”

  “Of course it’s not the same.” Maren tried not to raise her voice. “Your husband only had one affair, one time. Mine had a full relationship with my best friend for decades and is now the father of her child.” She shook her head. “It’s certainly not the same at all.”

  “You also have a family,” Jessica pointed out. “One that’s soon to be even bigger.” She raised an eyebrow at Maren’s barely bulging stomach. “And I don’t think that’s something that should necessarily be thrown away so quickly.”

  Maren couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Whose side was Jessica on, anyway? “Are you saying I should forgive him? Just pretend it didn’t happen and that everything is exactly the same as it was a week ago, when poor, stupid, blind Maren didn’t notice what was going on right under her nose?”

  “No!” Jessica turned to face her slightly as she pulled up at a traffic light. “That’s not what I’m saying at all, and…hell.” She shook her head. “I don’t know what I’m saying. Maren, I’m so sorry this is happening to you, and I really don’t know what I’d do if I were in your position. But I guess what I am saying is that no matter what you decide to do, you’re always going to have a child…children…with him. He’s always going to be part of your life. So, at the very least, I think it’s worth sitting down and discussing things with him. At least for the sake of the kids.”

  The light turned green and Jessica kept driving, leaving Maren to stare out the window and think. Her friend was right. She couldn’t ignore the fact that there were children involved. Quite a few of them, as it turned out. She dropped her forehead against the cool glass and closed her eyes for the rest of the drive.

  “Everything is looking really good, Maren.”
/>   She’d been worried, but the procedure to remove the IUD wasn’t nearly as complicated as she’d built it up to be. And the doctor was happy with how everything looked. One less thing to worry about.

  Doctor Harrison continued to move the wand around her stomach. “The heartbeat is right there and it looks strong. And you’re measuring right on schedule. Just over three months now. Everything looks great. The procedure didn’t disturb your uterus at all or the baby’s placenta. I’m very pleased.”

  Maren released the breath she’d been holding. The baby was fine.

  Not that she really thought something would happen, but the worry was always there. Plus with the stress of the last few days, she couldn’t help but wonder whether maybe the baby had felt it too. She’d been so worried about the procedure to remove her IUD harming the baby, that she hadn’t stopped to consider what her stress level could do.

  No matter what happened with Davis, she vowed she’d stay calm. For her baby.

  “That’s so great,” Maren said. “And I’m three months. That means, I’m…”

  “Out of the danger zone, as they say?” Doctor Harrison smiled. “Like I said, there are always risks with a pregnancy, particularly at your age, but yes, I’d say that everything looks as healthy as it can. Beyond doing some more testing, if you’re interested in ruling out any genetic defects or potential issues that are a higher risk, I think it’s safe to proceed as normal with your pregnancy at this point. It’s probably a good idea to take it easy for the next few days as well.”

  Doctor Harrison clicked a few buttons and a pulsing beat filled the room.

  “Is that? Oh my God.” Tears sprang to her eyes, and Maren pressed her hand to her mouth.

  “The heartbeat,” Doctor Harrison said. “And it sounds strong.”

  “Wow.” Jessica shook her head with wonder. “That’s so…”

  “Amazing?”

  “Totally.”