All We Never Knew

by Elena Aitken

  Because on some level, both of them knew that it might not be okay right now.

  But it would be.

  Maren

  Rylee was doing better. Slowly, her injuries were starting to heal. It would be a long process, but more importantly, after their first big talk, she’d continued to open up to Maren.

  They’d talked about how conflicted she felt about her relationship with Brice and how quickly it had become physical. As difficult as it was for her, Maren forced herself to listen and not offer any judgment. It made her heart ache to see how fast Rylee was growing up, but she was still such a little girl in so many ways. She still wanted to cuddle and together they binged more than one Netflix show, wrapped in blankets on the couch.

  As much as Rylee was starting to open up, she still didn’t want to talk about Sienna and what had gone wrong in their friendship.

  “Best friends are special,” she said one night as they were getting ready to start another season of Friends. She stroked Rylee’s hair. “You should call her.”

  “I don’t know, Mom.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “Do you think that sometimes a friend can be so terrible that there’s no coming back from it?”

  She did. Sabrina’s face flashed in her mind. Her best friend. The one person next to Davis who was closest to her. Yes. She did think that there were some things you couldn’t come back from.

  Rylee must have realized what she’d said and how it sounded, because she quickly added, “Sorry, Mom. I didn’t mean…”

  “It’s fine.” Maren tried for a light tone. “I’m sure whatever it was that happened between you two isn’t so big that you can’t get past it.”

  It wasn’t an answer and they both knew it, but it was the best she could do.

  Two days after bringing Rylee home from the hospital, Maren left her in her mother’s care and went into the PlayTime offices. Eileen told her to take off as much time as she needed, but Maren was itching for something else to keep her busy. Something to take her mind off all the things she still couldn’t bring herself to think about.

  “Maren?” She’d only been at her desk for twenty minutes, sifting through files and notes and the messages that had stacked up, when Eileen appeared next to her desk. “I’m surprised to see you.”

  “I know you said I could take some time off, but I just needed to—”

  “I understand.” Eileen’s smile was kind. “I’m the same way. Sometimes work can be a good distraction.” She nodded and seemed to be waiting for Maren to say something more. When Maren didn’t say anything, she continued. “I’m very sorry about the accident,” she said. “But I’m happy to hear that everyone is okay. Is there any word on Davis?”

  Maren nodded. “I’m actually going to go to the hospital after lunch, if that’s okay?” she added quickly.

  “Of course. You do what you need to do.”

  “The doctors said they were hoping to wake him up this afternoon and run some scans. We should know more then.”

  “Good. I’m really glad to hear it.” She stood in silence again. “I meant it when I said you’re welcome to take as much time as you need, Maren. I know this isn’t an easy time for you or your family.”

  Maren appreciated her support more than she could express. But she’d meant it when she’d told her the work was a welcome distraction. “Maybe I could do some of this work at home?” The idea had occurred to her after speaking to the doctors the day before. They couldn’t be sure what level of care Davis would need when he woke up. At least not right away. And despite everything, he was her husband. He’d have to come home.

  Maren hadn’t thought past the idea that Davis would wake up and come home. She hadn’t thought to where he’d stay. Or what kind of care he would need when he did get home or what it would mean to her. To them.

  Her body flushed and it was suddenly too warm.

  “Maren?” Eileen came around the side of the desk. “Are you okay?”

  She nodded and forced a smile. She was anything but okay, and no doubt anyone who looked at her could see it.

  “I’m fine,” she said. “And really, thank you so much for being so understanding about everything. I promise I won’t let you down and I’ll still be able to—”

  “Maren.” She put a hand on Maren’s arm. “Really. There’s no pressure. Just concentrate on taking care of your family. And yourself,” she added. “PlayTime and your job will always be here. You take as much time as you need.”

  For some reason Maren couldn’t even begin to explain, Eileen’s warmth and understanding at that moment almost broke her. In an instant, she was torn between telling her everything that had happened with her family, or just breaking down into tears. But before she could do either, her phone rang.

  “It’s the hospital. I’m sorry.”

  Eileen excused herself quickly and Maren answered.

  “Davis is awake,” Doctor Rose said.

  “But you weren’t supposed to…” She trailed off. It no longer seemed important.

  “I’m sorry we didn’t call earlier,” Doctor Rose said. “We had an opening to run the tests and…well, the good news is, your husband is awake.”

  “Yes.” Maren was already gathering up her files and shoving them into her bag. “And he’s…”

  “He’s doing great. The swelling has gone down and the test results have come back. Things look very positive. He has some memory loss and some other relatively minor issues, but we can discuss all of those things when you come in.” The doctor sounded happy, almost as if she were smiling, and Maren knew she should be happy, too.

  And she was.

  Of course she was happy that Davis was awake and that he was going to be fine. That was excellent news. But it also meant that she could no longer keep hiding. The accident had changed things, certainly. But it had erased nothing.

  Rylee

  Rylee asked her mom to wait in the waiting room for her. She needed to go in alone. Of course her mom agreed. Ever since the accident she’d been…different. More attentive. Acting as if Rylee might break at any moment.

  Not that she minded. Not really. She’d enjoyed having her mom back. Having that closeness again that they’d once shared. Even if it was for a terrible reason.

  She knew her mom had been surprised when Rylee asked her to drive her to the hospital. It wasn’t like she’d been that nice to her dad before the accident. And of course, it didn’t matter what her mom said; she knew she was the reason the accident happened in the first place. Thankfully, her mom hadn’t made a big deal out of it, though. They just got in the car and drove.

  It wasn’t until they were inside the building that Rylee asked her to wait in the waiting room. She’d almost changed her mind about going in at all when she saw the way her mom looked at her. Kind of a mixture of happiness, pride, and sadness all at once.

  It was too much.

  But she wouldn’t change her mind.

  She couldn’t.

  Her dad had been moved to a hospital room almost exactly like the one she’d been in. She followed the nurse’s instructions, and knocked on the door.

  “Hello?”

  No turning back now.

  Rylee took a breath and stepped inside. “Hi, Dad.”

  “Rylee.” He said her name almost like a question. “Sweetheart. I’m so happy to see you.”

  With all the feelings storming inside her, love won. She smiled and went to his bedside. “I’m so glad you’re okay, Dad. I was so…” She couldn’t stop the tears that sprang to her eyes.

  “Hey.” He reached for her, and she took his hand with her good arm. “I’m fine. Just a little banged up. What about you? Your mom said you’re doing okay, but…” He gestured to her broken wrist. “That doesn’t look okay.”

  She shrugged. Her wrist didn’t hurt anymore. At least not much. Not like her ribs. Every time she sneezed or coughed, she wanted to scream. Of course, she kind of liked the pain, not that she was goi
ng to tell her dad that. But she deserved it. It didn’t seem right that she’d walked away so easily from an accident that had caused everyone so much hurt.

  “Hey,” he said again. “What’s going on?”

  Her dad always could see through her tough act. Not that she was being very tough at the moment. In the past, she would have opened up to him and told him what the problem was. But that was before. Too much had happened.

  “Talk to me, Rylee.”

  She shook her head.

  “You know this isn’t your fault, right?” Her head snapped up and he continued, as if aware he’d hit a nerve. “Your mom told me you were blaming yourself.”

  Of course she had.

  “But it was just an accident. If anything, it’s probably my fault.”

  His fault? Was he going to talk about the fight? About Auntie Sabrina and the baby?

  She held her breath. Rylee wasn’t sure she was ready to talk about it, but at the same time, she knew they had to. Their family was broken. She knew she couldn’t fix it, but maybe she could understand it.

  “I should have changed the tires,” he said.

  “The tires?” Rylee looked at him as if he’d just told her he was a circus clown. “What do you mean? That’s why you think it’s your fault?”

  He nodded. “Your mom said it was raining and the car hydroplaned. I knew those tires should have been replaced. I just never got around to making the appointment.”

  Rylee shook her head. “Wait. I don’t understand.” She pulled her hand away. “What do you mean, Mom told you it was raining? Don’t you remember?” She searched his eyes, looking for some sort of recognition but there was nothing.

  After a moment, he shook his head.

  “The doctors said that I might have some memory loss,” he explained. “It might come back, but it might not.”

  He didn’t remember? But she needed him to remember. She needed him to remember their fight and the things she’d said, because even though she’d been drunk, she remembered. She remembered how terrible she’d been to him. But she also remembered that he’d deserved it. She’d been so mad. So hurt. She wanted him to hurt, too.

  Her eyes lifted to her strong dad, who looked so much weaker than she’d ever seen him, but she dropped them again. Unable to look at him. She’d wanted him to hurt. But not like that.

  “What do you remember?”

  He forced a small smile. “I remember talking to your mom and then she got a call from Sienna. We went to pick you up.”

  “And that’s it?”

  He nodded. “Do you want to fill me in?”

  She shook her head. “Not right now. I was pretty mad at you and I’m sure Mom told you, I’d been drinking.”

  “She mentioned it.” He reached for her hand again, and Rylee let him take it. “I don’t remember the fight,” he said. “But I know we had one. And I do remember why, Rylee.”

  “You do?”

  She wanted so badly to be mad at him for breaking their family. For ruining everything. But she couldn’t. He was her dad and despite his terrible choices, she loved him.

  “I do, sweetie, and I want you to know how much I love you and how sorry I am for everything.” He closed his eyes for a moment and Rylee’s heart stopped.

  “Dad?”

  “Sorry.” His eyes opened again, but she could see the exhaustion in them. “I’m still so tired, sweetie.”

  “Of course. I should—”

  “We’ll talk about everything.” He squeezed her hand. “I know I can’t make it right, but I hope you can forgive me.”

  She nodded.

  “And Rylee, you need to know that this isn’t your fault. I mean it. Sometimes terrible things happen.”

  He closed his eyes again, and a moment later, she knew he was asleep.

  She pulled her hand out of his and stood for a minute, watching him. Nothing would ever be the same, that much was certain. But he was her dad and despite it all, she loved him. That much was also certain.

  They were back in the car driving home before her mom asked her how she was doing.

  “It was good to see him,” Rylee answered truthfully. “I didn’t know how I’d feel. But… I’m really glad he’s going to be okay.”

  “Of course you are.” Her mom’s smile was sad, but she said, “So am I.”

  Rylee believed her.

  She looked out the window at the other cars and wondered if any of those people had just had their worlds turned upside down. Maybe they were just going about their normal lives? But maybe they, too, had just gotten some news that would shatter everything? How was it that life could just continue on for everyone around her, while at the same time everything for her had changed?

  “You okay, kiddo?”

  She nodded. “Just thinking, Mom.” She swallowed hard. “I think I understand now that it’s not my fault. Not really.”

  “Oh, Rylee. I’m so glad to hear that.” Her mother’s voice was loaded with relief.

  “I know that sometimes things just happen and maybe there would have been an accident even if you hadn’t come to get me. And maybe if I hadn’t been yelling at Dad you wouldn’t have gone off the road. But maybe you would have. I guess we’ll never know.”

  “No,” her mom said. “We’ll never know. And it really doesn’t matter.”

  “I know,” Rylee admitted. “But I still feel terrible.”

  “I understand that.” Her mom glanced at her. “So do I. After all, I was the one driving.”

  Her mouth dropped open. Rylee had never considered that her mom might feel responsible for the accident. She’d lost her baby. She was a victim. She… “Mom. It wasn’t your fault.”

  “And it wasn’t yours.”

  Rylee sat back and let that soak in. Really soak in.

  “And it wasn’t Dad’s fault either,” she said after a moment. “I mean, the accident wasn’t,” she clarified and her mom nodded.

  “No. It wasn’t his fault either.”

  They rode in silence for a bit, and as the minutes ticked past and they grew closer to their neighborhood, Rylee began to finally feel lighter.

  Her phone chimed with an incoming message. She was going to ignore it the way she’d been ignoring all of her messages, but then she changed her mind.

  * * *

  How are you? I’ve been thinking about you.

  * * *

  She didn’t respond. Not right away. Instead, Rylee turned to her mom. “Can we make one more stop, please? There’s someone else I need to apologize to.”

  Maren

  She’d been putting it off long enough. Doctor Rose told her that Davis would be released from the hospital the day after tomorrow, which meant he needed a place to stay. Maren had already made the decision to bring him home. After all, despite everything that had happened, he was her husband. And it was his house.

  Maren had also decided that the spare room was the best place for him to recover. There was an attached bathroom and although it was up the stairs, and would be tricky initially to get him settled, he’d be the most comfortable there while he recovered.

  But if Davis was going to stay in the spare room, it meant she needed to go in there.

  She’d been standing in front of the closed door for almost twenty minutes, but she hadn’t yet been able to bring herself to turn the handle and go inside.

  “Come on, Maren.” She took a breath, pulled her shoulders back and put her hand on the handle. “It’s only a room.”

  Only a room, she reminded herself as she turned the handle and stepped inside.

  But it wasn’t only a room. It was to be the baby’s room. It had been only a few weeks ago when she’d started mentally planning the decor. Without knowing the sex of the baby, she’d thought a baby animal theme would be cute. Prints of different baby animals on the walls that were painted a light brown with chocolate and cream accents. She’d already found a crib and change table set online in dark oak. Mercifully, she hadn’t ordered them yet. A
nd really, there wasn’t much in the room that would indicate what it was supposed to become.

  The queen-sized bed still sat in the middle of the room, made up for guests with a bright-yellow and blue comforter she’d once thought so welcoming and cheery with the matching shams and pillows. But it wasn’t the comforter or the throw pillows Maren focused on. Instead, it was the shopping bags she’d left on the bed to be put away later, once the new dresser had been ordered, and the tiny hangers purchased.

  She hesitated, but she couldn’t avoid it forever. The bags would have to be dealt with. She could just take them and put them straight in a donation bin. She didn’t have to ever see them again. That’s what she should have done. It would have been the easiest thing to do and no one would have blamed her.

  But she couldn’t.

  She opened the first bag and pulled out the onesie that had caught her eye. There was nothing special about it. No funny expression printed on the front. No special fabrics or color or patterns even. It was newborn sized, impossibly tiny and plain white cotton.

  Just like the ones she’d favored for Rylee when she was born. Maren sat on the bed and held the onesie between her hands. She remembered those days when Rylee was little. She’d been an easy baby. Always settled and content. The pregnancy had been so hard, but once she was there in her arms, it was like all of that went away. She was so perfect. They’d been perfect. The three of them against the world.

  Except that hadn’t been true.

  The thought pierced her and tainted her memories. How much of what she remembered had been colored with the sins of Davis’s actions? So much.

  Too much.

  She put the onesie aside and reached into the next bag, already knowing what it contained. A mint-green teddy bear. Not too big and not too tiny. It would have been the baby’s first teddy bear. Just like the one she’d bought for Rylee the day she found out she was pregnant. It sat in her crib and then when she was old enough to reach for it, the bear became her bubba and she’d taken it everywhere. Rylee didn’t want anyone to know about it, but Maren knew that Bubba the bear still slept under Rylee’s pillow, where it was close enough for comfort, but not too close that it wasn’t cool.