All We Never Knew

by Elena Aitken

  Was it really only yesterday that she’d yelled at him? That she’d told him she didn’t want to be with him? That she couldn’t stand the sight of him?

  Did she really feel that way?

  Tears blurred her eyes.

  It was too much. She hated him. Hated what he’d done to her and to their family. But she loved him, too. So much.

  She squeezed his hand one more time and turned around. “Take me downstairs, please,” she said to the doctor. “Take me to my daughter.”

  Sabrina

  Sabrina had been in the waiting room for over an hour.

  The night before, the hospital had called her to tell her that Maren, Davis, and Rylee had been involved in a car crash. Maren had her listed, along with her mother, as an emergency contact. Of course she had. Sabrina was like a sister to her. She was family.

  She had been family.

  With everything that had happened, she wasn’t sure what she was anymore. Would Maren still want to see her?

  After the hospital called the night before, Sabrina had rushed over, but they wouldn’t let her see anyone. Maren’s mom, Barbara, was there, too. They exchanged a few words, but neither of them were in the mood to chat and Sabrina didn’t know how much Barbara knew about what had happened between them all.

  Finally a doctor came out to speak to them both. “Ladies, my name is Doctor Rose. You are…”

  “Barbara Magnus. I’m Maren’s mother. How are they? What’s happening?”

  “Nobody is telling us anything,” Sabrina jumped in.

  “I am sorry about that,” the doctor said. “In emergency situations, the priority is to stabilize the patient first. I know it can be unsettling to the family to not understand what’s happening.” She turned to Sabrina. “I’m sorry—you are a sister?”

  Sabrina glanced at Barbara. Normally she would have instinctively answered yes. But she shook her head. “I’m a family friend. A close family friend. Family, really. I’m—”

  The doctor nodded slightly. “Maren and Rylee are both stable now. Rylee has some broken bones, and a collapsed lung. But she’s going to be okay. Maren is…well, I’m sorry to say that your daughter suffered a miscarriage.”

  “Oh.” Barbara put her hand to her mouth and shook her head. “Oh, no.”

  Sabrina stared straight ahead. A miscarriage? Maren had lost her baby? Her own hands cupped her swollen belly. The enormity of the situation hit her.

  “And Davis?” Sabrina needed to know. “Is he okay?”

  “How is my son-in-law?” Barbara sounded so much calmer as she asked the question. “How is he?”

  “His injuries were much more severe. He’s stable, but he has a head injury. The extent of which we’re…”

  Sabrina stopped listening.

  No.

  A miscarriage. A head injury. This couldn’t be happening. It was like a bad dream. A nightmare. The room spun, and she sank into a nearby chair.

  A moment later, Barbara crouched in front of her. “Are you okay?”

  Sabrina nodded. She would be.

  “I think you should go home, dear,” Barbara said. “There’s nothing you can do and there’s no point in both of us being here. Why don’t you come back in the morning?” Her voice was kind and it took Sabrina a moment to reconcile that with all of the things Maren was always saying about how hard her mom was on her. The woman before her seemed nothing but concerned.

  And she was right.

  Sabrina shouldn’t be there. For a million reasons. Not right then.

  “Come back in the morning, dear.”

  Sabrina nodded. Yes. That’s what she’d do. The morning.

  Which was exactly what she’d done. She’d gone home, where she’d tossed and turned for a few hours before finally giving up and getting out of bed. She’d arrived at the hospital early, where she’d been waiting for visiting hours to start.

  Finally, she was permitted to go up to the third floor and Maren’s room. Her hand hovered over the button on the elevator before she finally pushed it. Maren may hate her for what she’d done. But a terrible thing had just happened, and as angry as Maren might be, she was going to need her. After all, they were family, and Sabrina couldn’t stay away. She just couldn’t.

  The nurse on the ward told her Maren was being discharged right away, but still, she directed her down the corridor to a room on the right, but she hesitated in the hall. The door was open a crack, and finally, taking a breath for courage, Sabrina knocked. “Hello?” She slowly pushed the door open and peered inside.

  Maren was dressed, sitting up on the bed, her legs hanging over the side. She looked up when Sabrina walked in and immediately looked down again. But she didn’t tell her to leave. She’d take what she could get.

  “How are you…never mind.” Sabrina stopped herself. “That’s a stupid thing to ask.” She took a few tentative steps into the room. “Maren? I’m so sorry.”

  After a moment, Maren looked up again. Sabrina barely recognized her. The sparkle that was always in Maren’s eyes had dimmed. Her skin had taken on a pasty, almost gray tone and the dark circles under her eyes were evidence to the way the last twenty-four hours had aged her.

  Conscious of the makeup she’d put on that morning, Sabrina ducked her head.

  “You’re sorry?” There was no maliciousness in her voice but Sabrina cringed nonetheless.

  “I am, Maren.” She moved closer to her friend, wanting desperately to hug her, to try to take away some of her pain. But she knew she couldn’t. She’d lost that right. “For everything.”

  “For everything?” Maren repeated robotically.

  Sabrina nodded, aware that it was woefully inadequate.

  “I lost the baby.”

  “I know. I’m so sorry, Maren.”

  She looked up. “Are you?”

  “Oh my—yes! Of course I am. I don’t even know what to say.”

  Maren looked down again. After a moment, she lifted her head. “Why are you here, Sabrina?”

  “I’m an emergency contact, and…I love you, Maren. You’re family.”

  She shook her head and it broke Sabrina’s heart. “No. You’re not. Not mine.”

  “Maren, I—”

  “You should go. Davis is on the fifth floor. ICU. You should go to him.”

  “I don’t know if—”

  “He’s the father of your child, Sabrina.” Maren’s eyes pierced her. “Go.”

  She nodded numbly and turned to go. Before she left, she turned around one more time. “I really am sorry, Maren. For everything. Really.”

  Maren only shook her head sadly and looked back at her shoes.

  Still numb, Sabrina made her way to the fifth floor and Davis’s room.

  The nurse had tried to prepare her for the monitors and wires, but still, when she saw him lying motionless on the bed, she gasped. He looked as if he were sleeping, but at the same time, he looked…

  No. She wouldn’t let herself think the worst.

  The nurse told her he might have some memory issues or brain damage. They wouldn’t know the full effect or extent of his injuries until he woke up.

  Sabrina didn’t know what to feel as she stood next to him and gazed down at the man who was at once so familiar, and also a stranger to her. He’d been such an important part of her life for so long, but always on the fringe.

  After a moment, she took his hand in hers. “Hi, Davis.” She felt self-conscious talking aloud, but the nurse said he’d be able to hear her. “It’s me, Sabrina. I guess you took quite a hit to your head.” She tried to smile. “You know better,” she teased. “You should have had your seat belt on. Safety first, right?”

  The smile faded. “You’re going to be okay.” She said it more for herself than for him. She needed to believe it. “You have to be, okay?”

  She let her eyes travel over him. The scrapes, bruises, and cuts. The broken leg.

  “We’ve made quite a mess of things,” she said after a minute. “I don’t really know
how to fix it, Davis. I don’t know if I can. But I do know we’re having this baby and despite the mess his parents have made, your son needs his father. I need you to be okay, Davis. Our son needs you to be okay.” She let the tears slip down her cheeks unchecked. She stared at his eyes, willing them to open, but knowing they wouldn’t. He wasn’t going to wake up until the doctors wanted him to. Nothing she said would change that. “I love you, Davis.”

  She said the words for the first time, but they didn’t feel right on her tongue.

  Did she love him?

  Yes. Of course she did. He was her friend. Had been her lover. Her confidant. Her comfort when she needed him. He was the father of her child. But as Sabrina watched him and held his hand, she realized something very important. Something she’d always kind of known.

  She loved Davis. But she wasn’t in love with him. She never had been. She’d made a terrible mistake. She’d been selfish, and childish, and hadn’t stopped to think about what she was doing, and how it would affect anyone else. Not once.

  “I’m so sorry, Davis.” She shook her head. The best thing she could do now was walk away. Davis needed love and support if he was going to heal and properly recover. But it couldn’t be from her.

  “I’m so, so sorry,” she whispered again and bent to kiss his bruised forehead before she slipped from the room.

  There was a lot of healing to be done.

  For everyone.

  Maren

  It was three more days before Rylee’s lung was healed enough that Maren could bring her home. Her wrist had been surgically set with four pins and a plate. She had strict orders to rest and regain her strength and let her ribs heal. She’d need physiotherapy in a few months when the cast came off. But it wasn’t Rylee’s physical injuries that Maren was worried about. Ever since she’d woken up after her surgery, Rylee had been depressed and withdrawn. Maren assumed it was just the aftereffects of the anesthetic and the trauma of the accident. But even as the days went by, she couldn’t get Rylee to open up about it. Not even her mom could get through to her and they’d always been so close.

  “Are you sure you don’t want to stay downstairs, sweetie?” Maren carried Rylee’s bag into the house and helped Rylee slip her shoes off.

  “I just want to go to bed, Mom. I’m tired.”

  “Are you sure? We could watch that—”

  “I’m sure.”

  Maren pressed her lips together and nodded. “Okay, sweetie. Come on. I’ll help you get settled.”

  Thankfully, Rylee let Maren fuss around her just enough to have her propped up in her bed with pillows, a glass of water on the table and a book. “Do you want your phone? Maybe you could check in with—”

  “No.”

  Rylee looked straight ahead and Maren’s heart broke. She’d been trying not to push her, but there was only so much her mother’s heart could take.

  Gently, she sat on the bed next to her. “Rylee, I—”

  “No, Mom.” She shook her head but wouldn’t meet her eyes. “I don’t want to talk.”

  “I know you don’t, sweetie. But I really think you need to.”

  Unshed tears filled her daughter’s eyes, but they didn’t spill.

  Maren took a breath and reached for her good hand. Rylee didn’t pull away, so she squeezed gently. “Okay,” she said after a moment. “I can’t force you to talk, so I’m not going to push. But I need you to understand one thing, okay?”

  Rylee turned a little to look at her.

  “It was an accident,” Maren started. And just as she expected, Rylee squeezed her eyes and looked away. “It was just a terrible accident, Rylee. I’m so sorry this happened to you, and your father and…” She left the thought unfinished. “I wish I could go back in time and change it, but I can’t. All we can do is…well, all we can do is keep going.”

  When it became clear that Rylee wasn’t going to talk, Maren leaned over and pressed a kiss to her daughter’s cheek. “I’ll be downstairs. Just text me if you need anything, okay?”

  She paused at the door and looked back at her daughter. Rylee was hurting so badly she wished more than anything she could take all of the hurt away.

  But she couldn’t.

  With one more look at her daughter, Maren slipped from the room. She got downstairs right in time to hear the knock at the back door.

  Jessica met her eyes through the glass and let herself in. “Hey.”

  “Hey.”

  “Come here.”

  Jessica put the flowers and bag she was holding on the table and crossed the kitchen floor to pull Maren into a hug she didn’t even realize she desperately needed.

  “I’m so glad you’re okay,” Jessica said after a moment. “What a terrible thing. I’m so sorry.”

  “I know.” Maren stepped back. “It is…it was…thank you for coming.”

  “Of course.”

  Maren sat at the table and let Jessica take charge in her kitchen. Her friend set to work, putting the kettle on before digging in the bag she brought. She produced a variety of groceries, including a box from the bakery downtown. Food. Of course they’d need to eat. Maren had spent every minute she could at the hospital, grabbing snacks from vending machines or eating whatever her mom forced upon her. She had no idea what they even had in the house.

  “Here.” Jessica put the bakery box full of cinnamon rolls in front of Maren, along with a mug of tea. “I know they’re your favorite and I brought Rylee some too.”

  “I really don’t know how to thank you, Jessica. This is all…” She let her head drop, suddenly exhausted.

  Maren had been running on adrenaline for the last few days. Between both her husband and her daughter in the hospital, she’d only managed a few hours of sleep at night.

  “Stop,” Jessica said. “You’d do the exact same thing for me. Besides, the last thing you need to worry about is silly little details like food. Now, talk to me. How’s Davis?”

  She shook her head. “The same. Mostly. The doctors are hoping to wake him up in a few days. Then they’ll know more. Right now they’re hopeful.”

  “Good.” Jessica nodded. “That’s good to hear.”

  It was.

  “And Rylee? She’s home and—”

  “She won’t talk to me.” Maren reached for a roll. “She’s barely said a word since the accident. I asked her if she wanted to see her dad, but…” Maren shook her head. “I think she blames herself.”

  “But it was an accident.”

  She’d been drinking. There was yelling. There was so much hurt between them all. But yes, it was an accident. “I know,” Maren said. “But she doesn’t see it that way. She’s hurting so much.”

  “She’ll be okay. Give her time.”

  Jessica was so certain, Maren wished she could share some of that optimism. She pulled a corner of the roll off and put it in her mouth but she barely tasted the sugary treat.

  “What about you?” Jessica looked her straight in the eye. “How are you, Maren?”

  She shook her head. “I’m fine.”

  “Maren?”

  “I am.” She wouldn’t meet her friend’s gaze because they both knew she was lying. “I just want to move on and—”

  “You’ve had a terrible loss, Maren. It’s okay to feel however you feel about that.”

  And that was the whole problem. She couldn’t talk about it, because Maren didn’t know how she was supposed to feel about losing the baby.

  Devastated? Yes.

  Angry? Yes.

  Guilty? Yes.

  Relieved? Also…yes.

  “Mom?”

  It was almost eight o’clock and Maren had been staring blankly at the television, not really watching whatever it was on the screen when her daughter’s voice broke her trance.

  Immediately, she jumped up from the couch and went to Rylee. “What are you doing out of bed?” She led her to the couch. “You’re supposed to be resting, Rylee. You can just text me if you need anything.”

&nbs
p; “I know.” Rylee sat gingerly on the sofa and Maren put a throw cushion under her arm to keep it elevated. “But I wanted to talk to you. Is that okay?”

  Maren hated the question in her daughter’s eyes. “Of course.” She sat next to her. Close, but not so close that her movement would jostle her. “We can always talk about anything.”

  Rylee nodded slightly and for a moment, Maren was afraid she’d shut down again. But then she said, “I know it’s all my fault.”

  “The accident?”

  Rylee nodded and Maren’s heart broke.

  “No, Rylee. It’s not your fault. None of it is your fault. It was an accident.”

  “No, Mom.” She shook her head vehemently. “It was an accident that never should have happened.”

  “Sweetie, that’s what an accident is. Something that never should have happened.”

  “You don’t understand, Mom. If I hadn’t have been drinking, Sienna wouldn’t have called you. You wouldn’t have had to come get me and then…I was yelling at Dad, and I distracted you and I never should have—”

  “Ssh.” Maren moved closer and stroked Rylee’s cheek. “Rylee, stop. It’s not your fault. You can’t do this to yourself.”

  Any one of them could direct the situation and blame themselves for the way things ended up that night, but there was no point. She believed what she’d said. It was an accident.

  “But you lost the baby, Mom.”

  Her words hit her in the heart.

  “I know, sweetie.”

  “But it was my fault, Mom.” Rylee sobbed. “The baby is dead because of me.”

  “No!” She sat back so she wouldn’t jar Rylee’s ribs. “It’s not your fault, sweetie. The baby is…the baby didn’t make it because sometimes that happens.”

  “It was the accident.”

  “Maybe,” Maren admitted. “But sometimes babies don’t make it and there’s nothing we can do.”

  Rylee searched her mother’s face for permission to believe her that it was, in fact, an accident. After a moment, she added, “But Dad. He’s—”

  “Going to be fine.” Rylee’s eyes locked on hers and more than anything else, in that moment, all Maren wanted was to take her daughter’s pain away. “Rylee, please. The accident wasn’t your fault. The baby…it’s okay.” It wasn’t, but neither of them said anything.