All We Never Knew

by Elena Aitken

  “So hard.” She raised an eyebrow and looked down into her cup. She wasn’t going to let him off so easily, tell him that it was okay and that she was fine.

  It wasn’t. And she was decidedly not.

  “We haven’t really…” He hesitated. “Well, we haven’t really talked about…”

  “Our baby?”

  They hadn’t. In fact, beyond Maren letting him know she’d lost the baby, they hadn’t talked about it at all. What was there to say?

  Davis nodded. “I’m really sorry, Maren. I wish I could have been there for you after the accident, after…well, I wish I could have been there.”

  “There was nothing you could do.”

  “I know, but I’m sorry you had to go through that alone.”

  She stared at him and blinked slowly. “I’m still going through it.”

  “Right…I…” He scrubbed his hand over his face. “Maybe it was for the best, you know? I mean, with—”

  “I know.” Of course she did. She’d be lying if she said the thought hadn’t crossed her mind in the weeks since the accident. After all, her life had been thrown into a tailspin; bringing a child into such a situation wasn’t fair. And there was Rylee to think of. She was sixteen. And of course her career that was just taking off. Yes, there were dozens of reasons why maybe it was for the best.

  And one reason why it wasn’t.

  She’d been her baby. Her child.

  And for that one, perfect reason, losing her could never be for the best.

  “But no,” she told Davis. “No matter what, it wasn’t for the best.”

  He nodded. “Right. I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean it.”

  Maybe he did. Maybe he didn’t.

  It didn’t matter.

  “I was thinking,” Davis said after a moment. “I’m going to go stay over at Sabrina’s for a bit. To help with the baby,” he added quickly. “I’m feeling a lot better myself and since the nurse stopped coming…well, I don’t really…I think it’s the best thing.”

  He couldn’t stay there forever. Not the way things were between them. Maren knew that. She’d been expecting it. Preparing for it. But still, hearing him say the words were like another blow to her heart. She wasn’t sure how much more it could take but she nodded. “Okay.”

  “We’re not together,” he said, as if that even mattered. She blinked slowly and he added, “I just wanted you to know that. We’ve never been…well, it’s not like that. I just thought you should know.”

  She nodded slowly and took another sip of coffee, but it was bitter on her tongue.

  They sat in silence for a few minutes before Davis spoke again. “Maren, I love you.” There were tears in his eyes. “More than anything,” he continued. “I wish I could change everything. I’m so sorry I hurt you.” Once he started talking, the words came quickly. “You and Rylee…I love you more than anything and I want to make this right. Give me a chance to prove to you that I can change. I’ll do anything. Really, Maren. Anything. Just say the word. Tell me what to do. Tell me how to fix this.”

  “Davis, I don’t—”

  “No.” He stopped her. “Don’t say no. Please don’t sit there and tell me that there’s nothing I can do. I won’t accept that.”

  There were tears on his cheeks now, and she had to look away. She’d only seen him cry a handful of times before, but only in grief. This was different. But maybe not. Maybe grieving death and the end of a relationship was the same.

  Because that’s what it was. The end.

  She knew it in her heart. On some level, she’d known it from the moment she’d discovered the truth. There was no coming back from this. No way she could forget the hurt and deception. No way she could ever look at him and not remember what he’d done. And the baby…how would she ever be able to look at his son and not see the baby they had lost?

  She shook her head.

  It broke her heart in so many ways, but there was no other choice.

  After a moment, she looked him in the eyes. “You have to.”

  Rylee

  Rylee didn’t think it would ever get easier to see her dad’s empty spot at the breakfast table. After the accident, things had been strange with him staying in the spare room, but it had still been easy for her to believe that everything was normal.

  Well, normal-ish.

  After they’d gotten over their initial weirdness, slowly things had gotten back to normal. They’d talked almost every day when he was staying there, and ever since the baby was born, there’d been lots of texting and video chats. They still had a long way to go before the damage between them was fully repaired, but it would be okay.

  But now that he wasn’t living at the house, it could no longer be ignored. Their family looked different now. Very different.

  She had a brother. And as much as Rylee had wanted to hate Auntie Sabrina for what she did, once she met James, and held his tiny body in her arms, all of that went away.

  Well, maybe not all of it.

  She was still mad and there was no way she’d ever be able to look at Sabrina the same way again. But no matter what terrible decisions she and her dad had made, they were all still family. And that wasn’t going to change. That’s what her therapist said. And as much as Rylee didn’t want to admit it right away, she was right.

  It had been her mom’s idea for her to start seeing a therapist and again, even though she didn’t want to admit it, Rylee had to agree. Talking to Tamara had helped. A lot.

  Especially because she helped convince her mom that Rylee should go back to school and finish out the year with her friends. And once the doctor changed out the cast on her wrist to something a little bit more manageable, he’d even cleared her to drive.

  “You’re late.” Sienna slipped into the passenger seat of Rylee’s car.

  “Hey, you try to put makeup on with this hand.” Rylee lifted her arm and laughed.

  “You look great,” Sienna said genuinely. “I’m really glad your mom let you come back to school. Are you nervous?”

  “About school?” Rylee shook her head. “No. I’m ready for things to get back to normal.” Whatever normal even looked like anymore.

  Maybe Tamara was right and normal would look a little different every day for a little bit. That was okay. As long as she had a few constants to cling to. Like her mom. And Sienna. Rylee took a second to look at her best friend. Really look at her.

  On their way back from visiting her dad in the hospital after he woke up and Sienna texted at the most perfect moment, as if she knew Rylee needed her, she’d asked her mom to stop at Sienna’s house, and she was so glad she had. They’d finally had the talk they’d needed to. They’d laughed and cried, and cried some more. But after all the apologies and explanations and even more tears, they’d come out the other side. Sienna was more than her best friend; she was like her sister and Rylee was never going to take that for granted again. And she was definitely not going to screw it up because of a boy.

  “Hey, do you and Brice want to come with Cole and me to the mall after school? I was going to pick up a birthday present for my brother.”

  Rylee didn’t take her eyes off the road, but she shook her head. “Not today. I’m going to see my baby brother.” Just thinking of James made her smile. He was the sweetest baby and it helped that he didn’t live with her, so she didn’t have to deal with any of the sleepless nights, but got to enjoy as many cuddles as she wanted.

  Sometimes it made her feel guilty that she enjoyed James so much. Was she being disloyal to her mom? Or the baby who was lost? Tamara was helping her to not feel guilty about that, too. But her mom actually seemed to be doing okay with it all. She’d started smiling again and the two of them were starting to figure out what things looked like as a duo instead of a trio. They still had a ways to go, but more and more, it had started to feel right.

  “That’s cool.” Sienna was talking about the mall and how maybe the four of them could go to a movie that weekend. “Doe
s that sound good?”

  “A movie sounds great.”

  Brice and Cole were waiting for them when they got to the school. Rylee’s heart did a little flip the way it still did when she saw Brice. She’d worried so much about what their relationship would be like after the night of the accident. A lot of things had changed for her. And even though everyone insisted that it hadn’t been her fault, she was pretty sure there’d always be at least a little part of her that took responsibility. After all, if she hadn’t been drinking, it never would have happened.

  But she didn’t plan to drink ever again. Well, at least not until she was an adult. She’d more than learned her lesson, and when she told Brice, she’d been afraid he would break up with her. But it was a risk she was willing to take. She needed to be her own person.

  He’d surprised her by not only being totally okay with her decision, but his willingness to support it. “Me either,” he’d said. “We don’t need it. I just really like spending time with you, Rylee.” He’d kissed her and for the first time since they’d had sex, she felt a different connection with him. A real one.

  “There’s something else,” she’d said. “I don’t think I’m ready to have sex.” She glanced down quickly, but then before she could chicken out, looked up again. “I mean, I know we’ve already done it, but…maybe we could slow down for a while?”

  Again, he’d surprised her when he stroked a piece of hair back off her cheek and smiled. “Of course. Rylee, I meant it when I said I loved you. I know…we’re young and…whatever.” He shook his head, a little embarrassed. “But I really do care about you. I never wanted to rush you into anything.”

  Her heart had swelled even more and she stood on her tiptoes to kiss him softly. “Thank you.”

  In the days since they’d had that talk, things had only gotten even better with Brice.

  “Hey there, beautiful ladies,” Brice greeted them as they left the car. “Good morning, gorgeous.” He kissed her softly. “I’m glad you’re back. In fact, I was even thinking of going to all of my classes today in honor of your return.”

  Rylee laughed. “Wow. That is quite an honor.”

  He took her books from her and put his free arm around her waist as they walked into the school.

  Despite everything that had happened, or maybe because of it, for the first time in a long time, Rylee felt like everything was actually going to be okay.

  Sabrina

  “Ssh...baby. Ssh. It’s okay.” Sabrina rocked the infant and tucked him closer to her chest, but still the crying wouldn’t stop. At barely two weeks old, James was quickly starting to become what the books and websites called a fussy baby.

  Fussy?

  Sabrina could definitely think of a few different words. But whatever it was, his constant crying was starting to make her crazy. When they’d first come home from the hospital, James had slept and fed without much trouble. She’d been completely smitten with his sweet face and tiny fingers and toes. Davis had moved onto an inflatable bed in the nursery, since the baby was sleeping in her room. Even with his broken leg, he’d been a big help. Even if it was just sitting up with her during the night feedings.

  But as they settled in at home, something changed. Maybe it was her own lack of sleep. But whatever it was, James was becoming harder and harder to settle, and nursing him was starting to become an exercise in frustration.

  “Please stop crying.” Sabrina pleaded with the baby, whose tiny, scrunched-up face had turned a bright shade of pink.

  “Have you tried changing him?” Davis came into the living room, dressed for work. The crutches were gone, replaced now by his new air boot walking cast. The cuts and bruises had all but healed and there was very little evidence left that spoke of the terrible accident he’d been in and how close she’d come to losing the father of her baby. “Maybe his diaper is—”

  “Of course I changed him.” Sabrina shifted the baby up on her shoulder and resumed patting his back. “I just fed him but I swear my boobs still feel like they’re going to explode. I don’t think I’m doing it right.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” Davis said. “It’s breastfeeding. How could you not be doing it right?”

  It was a good thing she was holding the baby, because Sabrina was fairly sure if she had a free hand, she would have hit Davis.

  He’d been so supportive and helpful but when it came to breastfeeding, there was nothing he could do to help. And hearing about how natural it was, and how Maren hadn’t had any trouble with Rylee, was not helpful.

  “I’ve been reading online.” Sabrina tried to shift James in her arms. “And I think maybe he’s just not getting the latch right so he’s not able to get enough milk.”

  “So how do you fix that?”

  “If I knew that, I’d be doing it!” she snapped at him and immediately regretted it. “Sorry.” She handed Davis the baby. “Take him. Please. I can’t even think.”

  Davis took the baby and started bouncing him while he talked to him in soothing voices. Almost at once James settled, his screams fading into occasional hiccups. More than once in the past few weeks, it had taken her off guard to see how good he was with the baby. It shouldn’t have surprised her, though. After all, he was a father. He’d had experience with all this before. Davis knew what he was doing. It was her who was in way over her head.

  She slumped into the couch. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you.” She tipped her head back and closed her tired eyes. “I really am thankful you’re here, Davis. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

  “About what?”

  “All of this.” She refused to open her eyes. “I didn’t realize it would be so hard. So…exhausting. I mean, I knew. But I didn’t know. You know?”

  He chuckled and she lifted her head to look at him. “I get it,” he said. “I think I’d totally blocked out those early days with Rylee. But I promise it will pass.”

  She assessed him for a moment. He’d sat across from her, the baby tucked into his arms. He looked down at his son with such love in his eyes that if she let herself, Sabrina could forget for a moment that their situation was such a mess. They weren’t together, and even though she’d had some completely irrational moments in the days after James was born, she knew she didn’t want to make a family with Davis. Obviously they’d always be a family, but never in the traditional sense. He didn’t belong with her in her condo. Not long-term anyway. And they both knew it.

  Davis belonged with Maren and Rylee. That was his family.

  But from everything he’d said, as much as he wanted to fix things, it didn’t look as though the situation was fixable.

  “How was your visit with Dr. Tommy?” Davis wiggled his eyebrows and Sabrina couldn’t decide whether she wanted to hit him or roll her eyes. Ever since they’d come home from the hospital, Dr. Tommy had been insisting how much he wanted to come visit her and the baby. She’d managed to put him off for a few weeks, but finally she gave in.

  He’d arrived with an oversized bouquet of flowers—and a cheese platter, of all things.

  “Let’s just say we have enough cheese to feed…well…I don’t know what we can feed with that much cheese.” She let herself laugh. “He also told me how amazing I looked and how motherhood suited me.” She shook her head. “Which is obviously bullshit. I look like a deflated balloon that hasn’t slept in weeks.”

  “You look great.” Davis shook his head. “Have you ever thought that maybe he has a thing for you?”

  Of course, but…

  She shrugged, but no longer brushed it off because she was absolutely sure he had a thing for her. Just like she had one for him. She’d been so scared he’d judge her for her terrible choices, but when Dr. Tommy had come to visit, she told him everything, suddenly filled with the need for him to know the truth. No matter what, she wasn’t going to keep lying about who James’s daddy was. No more.

  “Well, I sure think he does,” Davis said. “I mean, any man who willingly braves a new m
other and all the hormones—” He cut himself off with a laugh when she glared at him. “I’m just saying,” he added.

  “Well, whatever. I have more important things to think about right now than dating. One little man in my life is enough.” She only had eyes for James. “And he actually offered to extend my maternity leave another three weeks if I wanted it.”

  “Really? Paid?”

  Sabrina nodded and couldn’t help the grin that spread across her face. Having a full three months of paid maternity leave was a blessing she hadn’t expected. But she’d take it because for the life of her she couldn’t imagine going back to work on such a little amount of sleep. She didn’t bother telling Davis that Dr. Tommy had also asked if he could come back and visit her and James during those three months.

  And she’d said yes.

  “That’s pretty sweet,” Davis said with a laugh before changing the subject. “I talked to Rylee this morning,” Davis said. “She wants to come by after school today and see James. Does that work for you?”

  “Of course. She’s welcome anytime. I’d love to see her more.”

  Davis flashed her a look, but didn’t say anything. Sabrina knew Rylee was mad at her and it broke her heart. She’d always had such a special relationship with her. It was just one more relationship they’d both ruined with their selfishness. Thankfully, Rylee had a big heart; she might not be happy with Sabrina, but she was completely smitten with her new baby brother and had already been around to visit more than once. Maybe with time, Rylee would be able to forgive her.

  Sabrina bit her bottom lip. “Did she mention anything about Maren?” She hated to ask, but she needed to know. “Did you tell her that she was welcome to come visit and I’d…” She trailed off at the look on Davis’s face.

  “I mentioned it,” he said. “I also mentioned it to Maren when I spoke with her the other day.” He shook his head. “I just don’t think she’s ready, Sabrina.” He shifted the baby in his arms and kissed James’s tiny forehead. “I think coming to visit will be too hard.”