All We Never Knew

by Elena Aitken

  Sabrina nodded. “I understand.” And she did. But it was still hard. She knew it was her fault and she deserved to be shut out and pushed away. Hell, she deserved worse than that after what she’d done. But she still missed her best friend so badly it caused a physical ache. “I get it.”

  Davis kissed the baby again and moved to hand him back to her. “I need to get going,” he said. “I have a client in less than an hour.” Davis had gone back to work on a part-time basis as he recovered from the accident. Sabrina hated that he had to leave her alone, but he didn’t have any other choice. Financially, things were going to start getting tight, and as much as she’d prefer time to freeze, it wasn’t an option.

  She tensed the moment the baby was placed in her arms again. Maybe if she didn’t move he’d keep sleeping. Just long enough for her to rest her eyes for a moment.

  “You’re going to be okay,” Davis said. “I’ll be home before you know it.”

  She tried to smile, but all she really wanted to do was cry.

  Thankfully, James slept for almost twenty minutes, during which time Sabrina scoured the internet and the baby forums and read everything she could about latches and breastfeeding problems. So when the baby woke up and predictably started screaming again, she was equipped with slightly more information and a few new ideas to try out.

  “Okay, kiddo.” She placed the baby in her lap while she lifted her shirt and unsnapped her nursing bra. “We’ve got this.” She made a number of attempts to get James to latch and finally, mercifully, he did. She could have cried from the relief of having him feed. Instead, she stroked his soft cheek and gazed into his perfect blue eyes.

  She was so exhausted and equally enamored with her baby while he fed that Sabrina didn’t even notice the time passing until there was a knock on the door.

  “Dammit.”

  She’d been hoping to at least brush her hair before Rylee came by, but she’d completely lost track of time. James didn’t show any signs of finishing up, and she wasn’t about to disturb him, so she whisper-yelled, “Come in,” and turned back to her baby.

  The door opened behind her.

  “Hi, Rylee,” Sabrina said, careful not to raise her voice. “I’m sorry I didn’t have time to clean up. Come on in.”

  “I’m not Rylee.” The familiar voice made Sabrina’s breath catch. “Can I come in?”

  Maren

  Maren almost turned back a dozen times.

  Once she pulled up to the condo unit, it had taken her almost fifteen minutes to get out of the car and walk to the door.

  She didn’t know how she was going to feel or what she was going to say or…anything, really.

  The only thing she knew was that in order to heal, she needed to see Sabrina and her baby. Ignoring their existence wasn’t healthy and the weight of not visiting them weighed much too heavy on her heart.

  She finally worked up the courage to knock on the door. Not one time since Sabrina had moved in had Maren ever knocked. She’d always just walked in and announced herself as if she belonged there. And she had.

  But not anymore.

  “Come in.” She heard the voice from within, followed by a welcome to Rylee. But it was too early for Rylee, who was still at school and had told Maren she’d be visiting the baby. Maren encouraged her to get to know her baby brother, as much as it hurt her. Every time Maren thought about her daughter holding her new baby brother in her arms, it caused a physical pain in her chest. She hoped it would lessen over time, especially for Rylee’s sake, because for better or worse, that was the new reality. After all, it wasn’t her fault all of this happened and James was her brother. They deserved to have a relationship despite the actions of their parents.

  Rylee still struggled to accept everything that happened, but she was trying. One more reason why Maren needed to do this herself.

  “It’s not Rylee.” She walked through the door of the condo. “Can I come in?”

  Sabrina’s head twisted around from where she sat on the couch. She nodded. “Of course.”

  Maren had tried to prepare herself for seeing baby James for the first time but still, the image of Sabrina nursing her baby hit her in the gut. It was a physical pain that no doubt showed on her face, but she didn’t try to hide it.

  “I’m sorry it’s such a mess in here.” Sabrina started prattling on about the state of the house and her appearance, but Maren didn’t have eyes for anything but the baby, who was starting to fall asleep at the breast. “I think he’s almost done,” Sabrina said. “It’s been such a battle to get him to…I’m sorry, would you like a tea or cheese or—”

  “Cheese? No.” Maren shook her head. “I can’t stay long.”

  They were silent for a few moments while James finished nursing. Sabrina lifted him to her shoulder and patted his back until he let out a little burp.

  “He’s beautiful.”

  Sabrina lifted her eyes to meet Maren’s. “Thank you. Do you…I mean…would you…”

  Maren shook her head, answering the question that she didn’t have to ask. She wrapped her arms around herself in a hug. “Not right now.”

  “Okay, I just thought maybe…I don’t know…” Sabrina swallowed hard and sat back. “I don’t know what I’m trying to say. This is just so…”

  “Awkward? Completely awful? Really hard?”

  Sabrina chuckled. “Yes. All of those things.” The laughter died on her lips and she shook her head. “Maren, I’m so sorry that all of—”

  “No.” She stopped her. She didn’t come for apologies. “I don’t want to talk about any of that.” She’d already decided the details of the past weren’t important. She’d been through it all a million times. The lies, the way Sabrina had gotten so mad at the news of Maren’s old pregnancy…it all made as much sense as it ever would. And talking about it wasn’t going to change it. Not anymore. “I just wanted to see you and meet James.” Her eyes drifted again to the sleeping baby. “He seems like he’s a pretty calm baby.”

  That made Sabrina laugh again. “Now he is. I swear, he’s been so difficult, Maren. I had no idea that breastfeeding was going to be so hard. Davis keeps saying how easy it was for you, and I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong.” Tears flooded her eyes.

  Despite herself, Maren felt a pull to ease her former friend’s distress.

  “Davis is an idiot,” she said instead. “Sure, breastfeeding was easy for him. He didn’t have to do it.”

  That made the other woman laugh.

  “No one tells you how hard it can be,” Maren continued. “And those first few weeks were challenging, but we got through it and you will too.”

  “God, I hope so.” She shook her head and looked down at the baby.

  “Just keep to a schedule and don’t forget to switch sides.” Maren offered suggestions. “If one side gets too full, it makes it harder for them to latch. At least that’s how it worked for Rylee.”

  “Thank you.” Sabrina looked at her with such a potent mixture of love and sadness that something inside Maren shifted.

  She moved closer. “I changed my mind. Can I hold him?”

  Sabrina handed her the baby and Maren sat down on the couch with the infant, who wasn’t quite asleep yet, in her arms. She wasn’t sure how it would feel, but when she looked down into the eyes that were the exact same sea blue that Rylee’s had been when she was born before they faded to match Davis’s green ones, a flood of love and regret rushed through her. Baby James was forever linked to her as Rylee’s brother and Davis’s son. But she’d never have the relationship with him that she’d once thought she would. She’d never be Auntie Maren to this little boy.

  Those days were gone before they began and the thought made her immeasurably sad.

  “He’s beautiful, Sabrina. Really.”

  “Thank you.”

  His eyes finally closed in a milk-drunk sleep and she shifted the baby against her shoulder and let herself feel the weight of him against her chest. For a moment, she clos
ed her eyes and let herself believe that it was her baby she was holding, but only for a moment. Because it wasn’t her baby in her arms. It never would be and as acutely as she felt the pain of that, Maren also felt peace.

  She opened her eyes and with one more look at him, handed the baby back to Sabrina, who watched her with an unreadable expression on her face. “I should go.”

  “You don’t have to,” Sabrina said quickly. “Why don’t you stay? I’ll make some tea.”

  Maren shook her head. “No. It’s time. But thank you.” She stood and straightened her blouse but before she turned away, she looked at Sabrina. “You’re going to be a great mom. Don’t doubt your instincts.”

  “Thank you.” Tears pooled in Sabrina’s eyes, and Maren had to turn away.

  “Maren?”

  Slowly, she turned back. Sabrina’s lip quivered and her eyes were rimmed red with a mixture of exhaustion and emotion.

  “Can I…” Sabrina swallowed hard. “Can I call you sometime?”

  More than anything, Maren wanted to say yes. She missed her friend and the way things used to be.

  But there were some things you couldn’t come back from. She pressed her lips together in a sad smile. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “I understand.” Sabrina nodded. “And Maren?” she said before Maren could turn away again. “I know you don’t want to hear it and I know it won’t change anything. But I really am sorry. I wish I could change everything.”

  “Don’t waste a wish.” Maren shook her head. “Besides, if things were different, you wouldn’t have James.” She let her gaze linger on the infant for one last moment before she turned and left.

  As she drove away from Sabrina’s house, Maren found it easier and easier to breathe, as if a weight she didn’t know she was carrying had been lifted. It had been harder than she could have imagined to look Sabrina in the eye after everything she’d done. Harder still to hold her baby, the product of her husband’s deception, in her arms. But it hadn’t killed her.

  She’d not only survived the moment, but she felt better than she had in a long time.

  The closer she got to home, the lighter she felt until finally she pulled up in front of the house she’d once loved so much. The house that was supposed to be their forever home. Where she and Davis would raise Rylee and then wait for grandchildren to fill the rooms once again with their laughter and love. They were going to retire there, spending their days tending the gardens in the summer, traveling to warmer climates in the winter, but always returning to their home. Together.

  Maren stood on the sidewalk and looked at the white clapboard-sided house. She took in the maple tree they’d planted the summer they moved in. It was almost as tall as the house now. The gardens she’d spent so many hours watering and weeding had filled in beautifully with perennials and bright blooms.

  Inside, the rooms had been full of love and memories that she’d spent the last fourteen years working for. She’d dedicated her entire life for her family. Sacrificing herself to create the perfect home. To be the best mother and wife she could be. And she’d done a damn good job.

  But the whole time, there’d been an undercurrent of deception waiting to bring it all down.

  Would it have mattered?

  Would it have changed anything if she’d known that one day her world would implode and everything she’d worked so hard to create would shatter around them? If she could have guessed at all she never knew, would things have been any different?

  Would she want it to be?

  Despite the warm summer day, Maren wrapped her arms around herself and squeezed.

  No.

  She wouldn’t have changed a thing.

  It had been a good life. Not a perfect one. But it had been theirs.

  No matter what Davis had done—the way he’d violated their trust—the memories of the past couldn’t be changed. It had happened. It had all happened. And she didn’t regret a moment of it.

  Just as she wouldn’t regret the decision she’d come to a few days ago.

  There was no going back. Only forward. Which was why before she’d gone to visit Sabrina, Maren had made a visit to her lawyer’s office.

  She was forty years old.

  She had the rest of her life in front of her.

  She was ready.

  Maren

  Maren had thought a lot about how she’d feel. She’d imagined almost every possible scenario. But nothing could have prepared her for how it actually felt to hold in her hands the thick envelope that contained her divorce papers.

  The courier from her lawyer’s office had dropped them off earlier that morning, but Maren wasn’t quite ready to open them. Not that she expected there to be any surprises. She knew exactly what the papers said. She and Davis had agreed easily and amicably.

  There’d been hurt on both sides. But there hadn’t been any anger.

  As much as she loved Davis—would always love him—there was no coming back from what he’d done. They both knew that.

  In the months since the accident, Maren had grown stronger and for the first time in her life, she was standing on her own two feet. And it felt good.

  It was only four in the afternoon, but Maren poured herself a glass of wine and took the envelope outside to the backyard. She sat on the patio and closed her eyes, letting herself feel the heat of the summer sun while she took in the sounds of the neighborhood, the birds chirping in the trees, the delicate scent of the rosebushes she’d planted years ago and tended carefully every summer.

  When she opened her eyes, she was ready.

  The document was thick, yet surprisingly thin. An entire lifetime summed up in a packet of papers. A life and a marriage divided into words and paragraphs.

  She didn’t bother to stop the tear that slipped down her cheek as she signed and initialed in all of the necessary places.

  A thick cloud of suffocating sadness swallowed her, but only for a moment as she let herself think of all the hopes and dreams she and Davis had for their life. All of the plans they’d now never realize. But then the cloud passed, the skies cleared, and the sun once more warmed her through because with every dream that died, another was born.

  Carefully, she tucked the packet of papers back into the envelope and pushed them aside in favor of her wine glass.

  Maren lifted it in a silent toast to the life that was and drank deeply.

  To the start of her new life. Forty was always meant to be a fresh beginning for her. Although she never could have imagined her life would take the turn it did, she was ready to embrace whatever came next.

  Leaving the envelope on the patio table, Maren took her wine glass and walked around to the front yard.

  She was so lost in her own thoughts that she didn’t notice right away when Jessica came—her own wine glass in hand— to join her where she stood, facing her house.

  “I’m not going to lie,” Jessica said softly. “It feels really strange to see this.”

  Maren nodded, knowing exactly what her friend meant.

  The blue-and-red For Sale sign stood in stark contrast against the backdrop of her white house. A SOLD sticker splashed across the front.

  “It’s time,” Maren said.

  “Selfishly, I wish it wasn’t.” Jessica laughed. “But I get it,” she said. “I really do.”

  Maren put her arm around her friend and they tipped their heads together. She was more and more grateful for the support Jessica had given her and the way their friendship had deepened.

  She’d made the decision to sell the house the same day she’d visited her lawyer and met baby James for the first time. It was time to move on, and she couldn’t do that living in their family home. Rylee had been sad initially. After all, it was the only home she’d known. But together they picked out a much smaller bungalow in a nearby neighborhood with huge windows and a lemon-yellow kitchen. They’d both rolled their eyes at the paint color, but ultimately decided to keep it. At least for a little while.r />
  They moved in two weeks.

  “I’m only going to be a few minutes away,” Maren said. “Besides, you and Chad…you guys seem pretty serious.”

  She shrugged. “Who would have guessed, right? I guess I was more ready than I thought I was.”

  Jessica’s smile brightened her entire face. Maren had been so wrapped up in her own drama that she’d hardly noticed her friend’s transformation from a bitter divorcée, stuck in the past that hadn’t gone her way, to a woman in love and full of life.

  “You deserve to be happy, Jess. You really do.” She turned to face her friend. “I’m so happy for you.”

  “Thank you.” She paused for a moment. “I know this seems like a strange thing to say considering everything that’s happened, but…I’m really happy for you, too, Maren.”

  She couldn’t help it; Maren laughed a little.

  “Seriously,” Jessica continued. “I know it might not feel like it right now, Maren. Not entirely. But this is only the beginning.”

  “I will absolutely toast to that.” They lifted their glasses, first to the house, and then to each other, clinking before drinking.

  It was a bittersweet day, to be sure. And Maren had no idea what the future held for her. But the one thing she did know for sure was that her friend was right.

  This was only the beginning.

  I hope you enjoyed Maren’s story! All We Never Knew was truly a labor of love, inspired by my own life, and the crossroads I found myself facing.

  If you enjoy stories about second chances of all kinds, you’ll want to check out the Timber Creek series. These books revolve around four best friends and their unique circumstances. These stories are emotional, heartwarming, full of love of all kinds and will have you smiling at the end!

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  When We Left is FREE right now and you can read an excerpt right after this…