TAT Box Set

by Emjay Soren

  “Dr Hotty giving you grief?” Candy asks as she sidles into the room like she owns the place. Dr Harding looks at her and rolls his eyes with a genuine smile. He has obviously grown accustomed to Candy and her uncontrollable mouth.

  “No just a few pains here and there.” I reply and feel tears build from the joy of seeing her. “I’m so glad you’re here.” I whisper through tears and watch as Dr Harding leaves the room closing the door behind him. Once the door was shut Candy released a deep sigh and hugged me as close as she could without hurting me.

  “I have never been more fucking scared in my life Cares.” She says but doesn’t release me. “You said you were going to the bathroom and the next thing I know we get a call your being rushed to Overlake Hospital via life-flight. Thank God we were in Seattle Carrie. We got here before you did.”

  I am nodding as she vents to me and I feel awful for ditching her at the concert. “I’m sorry I bailed, now so more than ever, but I couldn’t watch him melt the entire stadium with winks and smiles why my heart was breaking and he sings a fucking ballad with her of all people.” Remembering the feeling of betrayal and how much I loved him at the same time was hard to take.

  “Don’t apologize Carrie. What he did was fucked up and I would have bailed too.”

  “We don’t know for certain if it’s true Candy. I need to talk to him.” I had to admit I was a little thrown that he wasn’t here and worried. Had I really meant so little, had he played me that hard?

  “I fucking do know for certain and so does Noah. Didn’t he tell you what happened?”

  I am still as stone when she says Noah knew the truth. I needed the truth and knew it would kill me to hear it. “No he didn’t. But now your gonna tell me.”

  I swallowed and tried to breathe. It was obvious he did in fact cheat but I wanted more than a simple yes or no.

  “When he got off stage I was already freaking out and trying to call you. I thought you were lost at first. By the time they were done I was beyond mad, I knew you ran off. I just assumed you were at the bus. Chad stormed away and headed for the bus when Noah was curious where you were. When we got to the bus Chad was freaking out, calling your phone like a maniac and kept getting voicemail. He turned on me and started yelling, and that pissed Noah off, so then Noah started yelling…” She shakes her head and rolls her eyes in a ‘boys will be boys’ eye roll.

  “So, sick of hearing them roar at each other I whistle all loud and commanding and then I laid into Blake good and hard. I told him everything that bitch Trisha said, even the reason for their break-up and why she supposedly slept with him.” She gave air quotations when she said supposedly and continued in her natural dramatic fashion.

  “The minute I finished the story I turned on Noah. I told him that bro’s before hoes was fine unless it was blood, then it was blood is thicker than water and he had no right keeping anything from you in Chad’s defense. Noah said that Trisha had filled our heads with half truths, but that pretty much Chad did fuck up. By then Chad was storming out of the bus and before we could chase him down your uncle was calling Noah. It was almost two in the morning and Noah knew it was about you. It was eerie how he knew what happened before he even answered.”

  I let her words sink in. They still weren’t verified but I wasn’t a desperate fool. Half or whole truths didn’t matter in the end. In the end I was now the latest ex girlfriend to Chad Blake.

  I think you can do much better than me

  After all the lies that I made you believe

  Guilt kicks in and I start to see

  The edge of the bed where your nightgown used to be

  Hinder

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  I was released from the hospital on Tuesday morning just after my final vitals check. Noah had gone back to work on Monday and was booked almost immediately. Apparently the media frenzy was at an all time high courtesy of our dad admitting guilt so there would be no trial. Thank fuck! That meant what little privacy we had left would remain ours. He had been charged on so many counts of abuse, it was hard to remember. I spoke with the cops the day I woke up and gave them my signed statement explaining in as many details as I could remember. The cops said I could have written ‘he beat me’ in bold letters and he would still die in prison.

  I called Noah when they told me I was being released and that it would take a few hours and he told me Candy would be there to get me because he had a huge piece that was a six hour appointment. I had begged him to go back to work and stop with being my nurse maid. I loved him but he didn’t do worry wart well. It had been nice resting alone in my quiet room yesterday and today.

  I was coming from the restroom after having got dressed in a pair of tight and comfortable yoga pants and a spaghetti strapped tank top in pale purple. My hair was in a knotted mess and pulled up and I was still a few weeks away from wearing any make-up. Right then though, I would have given anything for my peaches and cream lip gloss. There before me in all his denim clad glory was the love of my life.

  “Hey Carrie girl.” He said but made no move to leave the doorway. I said nothing but stared taking in how perfectly perfect he was. His shirt was white and had the slave to the needle logo on it, his jeans were tight in all the right places and his hair was pulled back under a ball cap. I looked like absolute hell, the bastard was always one upping me.

  “What are you doing here?” I don’t notice that my voice is almost a whisper.

  “What do you mean? I had to see you for myself and make sure you were okay.” He sounded distant like he was choosing his words carefully, smart boy. Too bad I was in the mood to fight dirty.

  “Your almost a week late.” I snap and look away heading for the bed and my bag to pack my few remaining items.

  “Maybe in seeing you I am but I’ve been here every day sitting in the waiting room waiting on Noah or Candy to talk to me.”

  I glare at him and see that he knows why I’m mad. It has everything to do with Trisha and very little to do with him being at the hospital. “Every day huh? What about Harvey?”

  “Gramps has women coming out of the woodwork keeping him healthy. I needed to be where you were, he understands that.”

  “Sounds like you and Harvey have more in common than I thought. Who’s been keeping you warm at night? I know it’s hard for you to go longer than five days before you need a warm body to curb the loneliness.” My words were sharp and it took everything for me to not outright bawl. He was hurting me by even being here, pretending that he gave a fuck.

  He stepped from the door and let it shut behind him as he made his way to me. I stepped back and lifted my hand to his chest to stop him from getting closer. The smell of him hurt, hurt so fucking much because memories flashed through my mind like a deck of cards being shuffled. Those memories had made me feel safe and loved once, now they made me feel pathetic and deceived. It was all fake, every last touch and every last word. It all meant nothing.

  “You need to let me explain Carrie. I know you’re pissed and I would be too, but you said you trusted me and I need you to trust me now.” He was pleading with me and I wanted to smack him. I did and then I pushed him back from me, turning away unable to even look at him.

  “How long did you date Trisha?” I ask, looking for the answers I need to move on. He had hidden things from me that I had the right to know. I promised all in and didn’t push. I should have shoved him and made him tell me everything I didn’t know I needed to know.

  “On and off for almost three years.”

  “Why did it end?” I wanted to see if their stories matched up.

  “I cheated on her when we were at a show. A few months later the girl I slept with showed up saying she was pregnant and it was mine. I said I wanted a test and she agreed but it ended up not being mine. Trisha and I were on a break when I slept with her but we had said we would stay faithful while we were apart working shit out. The truth was, I didn’t love her and I didn’t like me when we were together. I was happier when
we were apart so I took the pussy way out and fucked Leslie who I knew would tell Trisha. They were best friends at the time. Once we knew her kid wasn’t mine, I was over the bullshit with Trisha. She was with me for status and every time we called it quits she would fuck my friends, so I returned the favor.”

  “Like Shame and Noah and Cal?” I hated that I felt bad for the bad relationship they had and that he felt trapped. It didn’t mean I would forgive him though.

  “No never them. She would hang out at the shop and hit up parties I was at and then she would leave with a previous client or even a few guys from work. It was cool, they knew I didn’t care about her that she was a guarantee piece of ass and a warm body when I needed one. It’s cold I know it but I never pretended to be anyone else. I never told her I loved her and I never made her a single fucking promise. Not like I did with you.”

  “And Spokane? What happened?”

  “We were celebrating and drinking with the guys from Sinners. There were backstage chicks everywhere and the bus was crazy. We knew we had an entire days drive so we could rest up. I started telling Noah, Shame and Cassa that I was booking you a flight because I missed you. Every time I tried to get my phone out and call, Cassa and Shame would take it from me saying drunk dialing you would make me look like an ass.”

  Little did he know I wish like hell he had called me.

  “Around two in the morning I stumbled to bed. I had the absolute craziest dream about you, about being inside you. I was hard and aching and went to stroke my cock when my hands dropped on an ass. I remember saying your name a thousand times but when my eyes opened and I saw Trisha, I flipped. I threw her off me so hard she landed on her ass on the floor. I was screaming at the top of my lungs, Cal was in the bunk above me and he was trying to calm me down when Noah came in. Fuck I thought he was gonna kill me.”

  He stepped closer and took one of my hands into his. “Trisha didn’t hide anything baby. She told Noah exactly why she tried to sleep with me and laughed when he booted her from the bus. By the time I had calmed down and sobered up, Noah had talked me down and told me shit would be fine but to tell you when the tour was done so my head was straight.”

  I scoff and yank my hand back. “You needed your head straight? Chad you fucked me without a condom. You were never gonna tell me. Noah might believe you but I don’t.”

  “Carrie this is ridiculous. Shit like this happens to guy all the time when they are in a band. Women have been known to steal condoms, break into rooms and busses. I admit I should have told you when it happened, I should have told you how serious Trisha and I had been at one time, but I never would have sang with her, slept with her or even talked with her back when I met her if I had thought I stood a chance with you. I swear baby that if I could fix this I would, I’d have never let her on the bus, let alone the few shows she sang in.”

  MY heart was breaking while fighting to stay strong. He was pleading with me, begging, his hands grabbing at me now to force me to look at him when every move he made toward me caused me to flinch. “I’m sorry baby I didn’t mean to grab you and hurt you.”

  “I don’t hurt from your touch Chad, its everything else that’s breaking me right now. I told you how sacred I was, I begged you to never betray me and you promised me you wouldn’t.”

  “Carrie I know and I swear I will never drink again, I’ll never let a fangirl near me again I’ll leave the band if I have to Carrie. You are all I want from this life, everything else is a bonus, it’s you I can’t be without.”

  “Don’t talk like that. The band isn’t just about you and quitting won’t make me stay. Your bed could get cold any time of the day no matter where you are. You think that two days away from me and you end up in bed with her, that once you guys really tour the bed wouldn’t get colder? I have dreams of my own Chad. I want to write books and tell stories, finish college. You want to tour and make it big which will be easy from what I understand. Let’s call this what it was and be done.”

  He looks at me with pain, like he is physically ill from my words. “And what was it?” He asks his voice eerily calm.

  “A summer fling.” I speak noncommittally and shrug my shoulders, inside I am breaking.

  His eyes were hard and focused on mine. His words laced with fury he stalked me until we were face to face. “Fuck this Carrie. I don’t deserve it. I get why your gun shy now, after what happened but I fucking didn’t know and I kicked her off me harder than I should have. I was damn near physically violent because I was that scared, and you’re gonna pretend I was a thing? Fuck you baby, don’t bother. I’ll get over this and over you if that’s how little I meant to you but do not lessen what you meant to me.”

  “What I meant to you are you kidding me? Why even talk to her still Chad? And why never tell me about her or the fact you were singing fucking ballads with her. You promised me that I could trust you and you broke it, broke me!” I was screaming, tears dripping from my eyes as I tried to catch my breath. Pain was beating down on me from every angle the harder I cried.

  “Go Chad.”

  “Carrie-“

  “Go Chad!” I yell as loud as I can before running to the bathroom, not leaving until I hear the door to my room click shut. I bent my knees and slid my back down the wall until I was firmly planted on my ass.

  And I cried.

  *

  Candy and Noah ended up being my ride home from the hospital. I called Candy the minute I left the bathroom bawling my eyes out. Nurse Brenda came in and loaded me full of drugs because my crying fit had seriously caused pain in my ribs and stomach as well as the monster headache I was fighting to be free from.

  “What the fuck Carrie?” Noah demanded the minute he walked into the room, not bothering to look at me as he hauled my few bags in his hands and then left the room.

  Clearly he was pissed at me, but why was beyond me. I followed a scowling Candy out of the room, her eyes were pinned on Noah’s retreating back.

  “What is he so pissed about?” I ask my eyes now bearing down on him as he flirts with Brenda sweetly saying his thanks for taking care of me. “I didn’t ask him to drop everything and come get me.”

  “That’s not it Cares. Chad showed up at the shop and laid into Noah.”

  “What?” I gasp and stop walking turning to look at her, the girl with all the answers.

  She nods and sighs. “He railed on Noah telling him all this shit was his fault. He said that he blamed him for telling him to tell you after the tour, that Noah always knew what was best for you and Chad wanted to do right by you. He told Noah that he never thought he wouldn’t have his back but that he was wrong. He thinks Noah told him to wait in telling you knowing you would dump Chad since Noah was never on board with you guys dating in the first place. It was bad Cares.”

  Noah had been the one telling me over and over, calming me when it came to Chad. He was defiantly not the type of guy who would pull shady to break us up. It pissed me off that Chad would accuse him. “Well Chad still fucked her, regardless if he stopped her, he put himself in that situation knowing she was on that bus, desperate to get with him and I was far fucking away.”

  Candy pulled me into a hug. “I’m not defending what happened Carrie, but I don’t think he went into it knowing what was going on. Chad was a serious whore before you came along Carrie and seriously, he probably woke up to sex more often than not. That being said, yeah he put himself in the situation, but he stopped. He threw her across the bunk rooms and she landed hard. Once he knew who it was he stopped. Don’t you think that might be innocent in any way?”

  I started walking with nothing more than a shrug because I had done nothing but think about all of this, what I knew and what I didn’t since the day I woke up. I missed him, felt broken without him but I can’t get over the fact he made love to me, completely naked, skin on skin, soul to soul and heart to heart, knowing what happened.

  I said nothing as I got in the car and nothing when Noah got in the driver seat and sla
mmed the door. Noah had a seriously bad ass 66’ Camero complete with 427 Big Block engine and dual exhaust. It was a man’s car and this man loved it second only to me. However he was scowling not bothering to look at Candy or me. I had chose the backseat so I could stretch out and Candy was sitting shotgun looking out the window.

  “Noah.” I said sweetly hoping to get his side of the story. His cobalt blue stare met me in the rearview mirror and then the car was filled with the blasting tunes of Alice In Chains ‘Down in a Hole’. It was a rude and affective way to tell me he wasn’t talking.

  Fine by me I love Alice in Chains. I closed my eyes and let the lyrics wash over me.

  Down in a hole and they’ve put all

  The stones in their place

  I’ve eaten the sun so my tongue

  Has been burned of the taste

  I have been guilty

  Of kicking myself in the teeth

  I will speak no more

  Of my feelings beneath.

  Yeah that about summed it up.

  Everyone is changing

  There's no one left that's real

  So make up your own ending

  And let me know just how you feel

  'Cause I am lost without you

  I cannot live at all

  My whole world surrounds you

  I stumble then I crawl

  Puddle of Mudd

  Chapter Twenty-three

  Six months later

  It was early January and I was freezing my ass off trying to get to my next class. It was my final year and this was the one and only credit I needed to graduate. Dr. Haworth was a professor and some kind of friend I guess. He had found me interesting the minute we met, asked me to write my dissertation on my life in a story. The news had a field day with me and Noah and the abuse our dad so easily exposed with no shame but Dr Haworth said to make it a positive.